Shattered

(Barrier Book 2)

Chapter 1

Pebbles crunched into the mud under Kaidan's sandy running shoes. With water tied up in the snowcaps, the river withdrew from boulders usually hidden under the rush of water. It made a broad riverbank stiff with cold and perfect for running near the tree line. A morning mist rolled down the mountainside adding to the fog blowing in off the ocean shore ahead. Waves roared in the distance. Hearing it from this far, the wind must be picking up along the coast.

Kaidan kept to the rocky, compacted sand along the top of the bank. Veer too close to the water where the sand changed to rolling stones, he'd turn his ankle. He knew that too well. That had been a long summer. He'd regretted it every day as he hobbled around his parents' deck. Everyone else had been out swimming, playing sports, training, or working job angles. It hadn't all been a waste though. It was the same summer he'd decided to apply to the Alliance.

Kaidan cantered to a walk catching his breath. His shoes smudged the single set of tracks pointed the other direction, his own from an hour ago. Or was it an hour and half? He reached for his wrist then frowned. Right. No Omni-Tool. It had been blasted to pieces. Pieces that could be put back together, granted, but it would take some time. It was more than half fixed though. At least, it gave him something to do. As for the the Omni-Tool he'd borrowed from the Alliance, well, there was a reason it was a loaner. Not that it wasn't appreciated. It worked to get ahold of him and did the basics. The sun stood over the mountains as a faint white haze in the overcast sky. It was probably ninety minutes then.

Kaidan rubbed his neck as his breath plumed out as a vapor. If he didn't start running again, his sweat would turn cold. Cold and sweaty was a bad combo. It felt good to walk for a moment though listening to the ocean churn in the distance. The cool, damp forest air fresh with pine and rain had a brackish hint now. It had sprinkled earlier. From the feel of it, it might again, but he was almost back.

Everyone was probably up now. For a moment when he left, he thought he'd woken Kate. He'd paused in the entry way swaying on one foot, a shoe halfway on, and the floor boards creaking under him. But there was only silence. He'd slipped out the door. They were back home all together. Well, almost together. There wasn't going to be a real "together" again. Not anymore.

Cold air chilled back of his sweaty neck. It felt good in a way as his heart rate slowed. It was peaceful, quiet. The river water reflected a mix of silver and greens. It was beautiful here. It was beautiful elsewhere though too.

He'd seen a lot. Who would have thought while he sat on his parents' deck with a twisted ankle deciding what to do and where to go, he'd go on to see all this? All the things he'd seen. He'd walked on the quarian homeworld, something generations of quarians had longed their whole lives to see. He, only a human, not even part of the galactic community fifty years, had walked there. He'd seen geth and quarians, bitterest enemies brimming with distrust, put it aside and work together. He'd made friends with krogans, AI's, a prothean. Maybe "friends" was optimistic on the last one. He'd met Councilors, Spectres, a Primach. He'd received recognition from admirals. Become a Spectre. Met Shepard.

Kaidan's chest tightened as his pace slowed. Shepard. He missed her. He thought of her every day. Caught up thinking of something else, he'd realize he wasn't thinking of her to only then be thinking of her. It was aggravating really. But maybe, he wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes he wasn't sure.

Gulls screamed as waves roared louder nearing the beach. It was still a way off, but he could see the silhouette of home up on the hill rise to his left. The third story just crested the treetops. It was too far to make out the wrapped deck or see how many lights were on. The loud business swarming inside was going to be a system shock after being out here, like blanching a vegetable. Some of them were head out today though.

They'd visited the memorial gardens in Vancouver the day before. Seeing his dad's name, he'd seen it so many times alone in the garden while at HQ, but there was something seeing it again with everyone gathered. Painful. It would have been better to have just left it with the small service they'd had months ago when he'd first gotten back, but Uncle Mikhail leave hadn't lined up with Kaidan's until now. Besides more than just he, Mom, and Kate's family wanted to remember Kaidan's dad too, even though it felt like picking at an open wound.

Anderson's name had been there too. Kaidan had walked along stone slabs full of names until he found it. Wiping dew off the plaque, he saw his own reflection looking back at him. The name on the plaque could have been his own name or anyone's. It should have been Shepard's. He was still shocked and gratified knowing all those months holding out hope, feeling foolish and naive, in the end, he'd been right. It was unbelievable when he heard it. It was unbelievable now, months later. So much time had passed now since he heard it standing on the bridge of the Normandy. He'd stood rigid after hearing it repeating it over and over in his head, afraid to react in case the information was wrong or he was misunderstanding it. It wasn't until he looked over at Liara, wet trails down her face and a smile, that he let himself feel it and believe it. Even now, Shepard was still alive out there, somewhere, doing what she loved, what she was meant to do.

Kaidan moved to the grassy embankment. Twisty tree roots exposed from the receded water provided steps onto a worn trail in the wet grass. Toward home. Geese passed overhead honking. Kaidan tried to smile and drink in the outdoors again, but he'd thought too much about Shepard now. It was like a gloom shrouding an already hazy sun.

He didn't want to feel this way. He should be content with Shepard being alive and well. He was alive and well. His mother, sister, nieces, friends were all alive and well. People he'd agonized over on his return flight, he'd returned to find them safe. But it wasn't enough. Maybe it was a character flaw to not let it be enough. Focusing on his own self-interest had to be controllable. You couldn't control a lot of things, even most things, but you could control yourself. Perhaps controlling your head was easier than controlling your heart though. Or maybe, he just had more practice with the other. Hell, after this, he didn't want any more practice again. Ever. He missed her. He'd give anything to see her right now, here or anywhere, just to talk. One time was never enough. He sounded like an addict.

He was almost there. A drop of water hit his forehead. Streaks of rain only visible against the distant mountain dripped through the canopy. He could run the rest of the way back, but the urge was gone.

They could see each other just as friends, he and Shepard. Here he was, telling himself this again. It comforted only an instant, knowing it couldn't be true. Not for him, not now, hard to imagine ever really. It sounded awful, cold. Eventually, they'd be a first time when he'd see her, talk to her knowing she was with someone else. It was inevitable. It would kill him. It killed him now, and it was just his imagination. No, he couldn't be any kind of friend feeling that way. Too much pretending, too painful. Seeing them together and hearing about it from her. And if it was serious …

Kaidan ran his hands through his hair spraying droplets of rain into the air. He clenched his eyes shut as his head started to ache. He was working himself up over a figment. He just need to focus on breathing. He kept doing this to himself – agonizing over her. Going down this path over and over again. He needed to keep busy. Once he got back to his biotics teams and the next assignment, then—

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan eyes snapped open. His mom picked her along the stepping stones slopping down from the house. She was almost to him. He'd gotten further to the house than he realized.

"Hey, Mom." Kaidan took wide steps up the path to her. "What're you doing out here?"

She pulled her coat tighter. Rain sprinkled her salt and peppered hair. "Just thinking, and waiting for you."

"Waiting for me?" He put his arm around her.

They walked up the stone trail toward the house. She reached up and held his hand on her shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm okay. Worried about you though. Things going all right?"

Kaidan felt sick in the bottom of his throat. She thought he was upset about his dad. He was, of course, he was. Only, he thought of Shepard more. More than his own dad. Here he was to remember his dad for the weekend, his whole extended family here, and he was mourning more for someone still alive. He should be focusing on his father who raised him, someone he'd never see again, than dwelling on someone he felt almost cursed to see again. Not cursed though, no, not exactly. Hell, it was a paradox. He was an addict. It was true. Still, it had to be a healthier vice than red sand. Hopefully.

"Why did you wait out here? It's freezing," he said.

"I kept thinking you'd be back any moment. It was nice though. Haven't spent much time out here since … things happened. Fresh air, couple cups of tea, stood on the deck until I saw you coming."

"I wasn't gone that long."

"Two and a half hours," she said. "Kate heard you leave. Said it was still pitch dark."

"The sun was coming up soon."

"Hmm." She didn't sound convinced.

They neared the long set of stone stairs up to the front door. Kaidan's mom stopped. She twisted out from under his arm and looked him in the eye. Kaidan's heart beat harder. He had to look away.

"Hey." She turned his face to her. "What's going on with you? It's like, since the last time I saw you, things have gotten worse. Is everything just hitting you now, or what's going on?"

Kaidan swallowed. His throat felt dry. He'd never told his parents about Shepard. Never told anyone, even Kate. Fraternizing with a fellow officer, especially when she'd been his CO, was bound to be unpopular. He could still imagine what his father's face would have looked like had he ever known – the distant, blank stare and disappointed frown. It stung just flashing through his mind's eye. Stung that he'd never see it. Never be able to tell his dad something to disappoint him. Never be with Shepard to disappoint anyone else.

"I don't know," he said instead.

She frowned at him. "Yes, you do. But …" She held his eye for a moment before sighing. "Have it your way. You always do."

"No, I don't."

He supported her elbow as they worked their way up the stairs slick with dew

"I'm not a cripple, you know?" She smiled.

"They're slippery."

They came to the front door. His mom paused.

"Hey, I almost forgot," she said as Kaidan turned to her. "Someone called for you."

"Called for me?" He frowned.

His borrowed Omni-Tool was by his bed. He wasn't even sure if it was on, let alone why anyone would answer it for him.

"The house's comm," his mom said.

That didn't make sense. The Alliance knew how to reach his loaned Omni-Tool. He should have taken it with him on his run.

"It was an asari."

"An asari?" Kaidan's attention snapped to her.

"Yes."

A brisk stride and he was at the door.

"Was her name Liara?" Kaidan pushed the open button.

"Maybe. I wrote it down somewhere. Doctor … oh, doctor something. I have it …"

Kaidan rushed through the doorway as it opened but lingered at entrance for her. She eyed him as she came forward. He ushered her inside. He pressed a palm to the entryway's wall and flipped his shoes off.

"Kaidan, you're making a mess." His mom pointed at the caked mud and sand scattering across the floor. "Let me find that name."

"Don't worry about the name. I'll come back and clean this up." He leaped up the stairs.

"Kaidan …"

"I got it. Thanks, Mom."

He bounded up the stairs and cut around the corner of the landing. He collided into Kate.

"Whoa." She smacked him on the shoulder. "Holy—" Her eyes darted to Lauren toddling out the bathroom door toward them. "Never mind."

"Sorry."

"What's the hurry? A three-hour run on the river not enough? Hallway's fair game now?"

"You're always fair game." He poked her as he passed. "Hey, Feisty." He rustled Laruen's blonde hair.

Her face puckered. She snatched at his hand, but he pulled it back.

"Got to be quicker." He grinned.

She growled at him.

Kaidan laughed. "Just like you, Kate."

"Maybe you're the common factor there, Kaidan." Kate came over and gave him a sharp poke back. "Poke him like this."

He glanced at his room but waited. Lauren tentatively poked his leg.

"Ah!" Kaidan said.

Lauren laughed, pulling on his hand, and poking him again and again with her other finger.

"Okay, okay." Kate pulled Lauren back. "Revenge was had. Let's have breakfast."

Kaidan smiled at Kate. "Good thing you have Richard. Your kids need a good influence."

"You're such an …" Her eyes flickered down to Lauren. "Sure as heck not it."

"Yeah!" Lauren hollered pointing at him.

"Geezzz, let's go." Kate ushered her down the stairs. She called back over her shoulder. "Nice to see you smile for once."

Kaidan dodged to his room. It wasn't really his room, not anymore. He wasn't home enough to expect anything to be his. Now it was a guest room, which was fitting. In a lot of ways, he was just that. He rushed to his bed and bumped into the end table as he fumbled for his Omni-Tool. The end table's lamp rocked precariously. Kaidan steadied it then put on his Omni-Tool.

Henry rolled over on the couch against the wall.

"What the hell?" He sat up shoving off a blanket. "Kaidan?"

"You're still sleeping?"

"That was the aim." Henry rubbed his face. "The sun just came up."

"It's been up." Kaidan popped up the Omni-Tool's interface.

"Over China maybe. Just came up here though, I swear."

Kaidan shuffled to the door flipping through a screen.

"Who you calling? A girl?"

"In a way."

His cousin stretched and dropped his feet on the floor. His hair stood on end in disarray.

"Haven't found out yet, huh?" he asked.

"An asari."

"Oh." Henry stood. "Meet a dancer?"

Kadian smirked. "You think I go clubbing?"

Henry shrugged. "How should I know? Been like five years."

"I haven't changed that much."

Henry held up a finger. "First lie. Now I really can't believe you." He grabbed Kaidan's shoulder and pulled him back from the doorway. "I'm going. Have a nice chat."

"You can keep sleeping. I—"

"Nope," Henry waved back at him as he headed down the hall. "I smell sausage."

Kaidan closed the door and hit the green button on the holoscreen. He waited. An asari lit up the screen, but it wasn't Liara. Kaidan blinked at her. It was the number Liara had given him. Maybe he'd misentered it into his contacts. The asari cocked her head at him for a moment then looked to the side.

"Dr. T'soni."

Footsteps came over. Liara's face appeared.

"Kaidan?"

"Oh. Hey, Liara. Were you trying to contact me?"

Liara ushered away the other asari and settled herself in front of the screen. "Yes. Sorry. Where are you calling me from? My assistant didn't recognize the number."

"My Omni-Tool."

"I tried it earlier."

"It's a different one. I'm borrowing it while my other is fixed."

Liara nodded. "I'm sorry to have called your family's residence. It was listed for you, but I didn't know … A human child answered. A relative, I assume?"

"Niece."

"Right. Then I am correct. You're on leave in Vancouver with your family?"

"A little outside Vancouver but essentially."

"Good," Liara leaned in closer. "I need your help with something. I didn't want to inconvenience you too much."

"What do you need?"

"You."

XXX

Kaidan carried his bag down the stairs and dropped it on the landing by the front door. Dishes clanged from the kitchen down the hallway. Laughter mixed with Kate's voice. It was always so loud.

Rebecca wandered from the great room to his left. She looked up from her Omni-Tool. "Oh, hey. I'm meeting my friends downtown at nine. Want to tag along to Vancouver? They're in my doctorate program. Told 'em I have fun cousins. You'd like them. Promise."

"Maybe another time."

Emily burst past Rebecca from the living room. Her hair sprang out half combed and wild.

"Kaidan!" She bumped into him and threw her arms around his legs.

"Hey." Kaidan bent and grabbed her under the arms. He lifted her overhead. "How's it going, Em?"

"Your hair's wet!" She grabbed at his hair.

"I know." He ducked out of reach. "I took a shower."

Rebecca grinned and returned to her Omni-Tool. She retreated down the hall to the kitchen.

"Hey." Kaidan set Emily down. "You know where Grandma went?"

"Downstairs. Getting Henry's towel."

Kaidan put out his hand. She grabbed it with a goofy grin. They walked downstairs. The room opened out into a large living area. A hazy light came through the patio slider and flanking windows. In the distance, the fog bank still hid the ocean from view. The back of Henry's head poked above the couch facing the windows. Emily tugged Kaidan forward. Henry slouched across the couch studying a datapad.

"Where's grandma?" Kaidan looked down and squeezed Emily's hand.

"Over there." Emily pointed at the laundry room.

"Hey, Kaid." Henry sat up and turned the datapad to him. "You seen this?"

Kaidan's heart skipped a beat. He let Emily's hand drop. She tore across the carpet to the laundry room. His mom's voice yelped in mock surprise from somewhere inside.

"The news article or the person?" Kaidan asked stiffly.

Henry turned it back to look. "You worked with her, right?"

"Yeah."

"She's a bombshell. I mean, really, come on."

Kaidan's mom hobbled out of the laundry room with a basketful of towels. Emily hung on her arm. His mom smiled plopping the basket on the end of the couch.

"You're making this hard, dear."

"I know." Emily giggled.

Kaidan's mom cocked her head to see Henry's datapad. "Commander Shepard, right?"

"She single?" Henry asked.

Kaidan crossed his arms. "Far as I know."

"Introduce us." Henry grinned. "I mean, really, give her my information some time."

"I'm not setting you up. Meet her yourself."

"How's that going to happen? You work with her."

"Not really. Not anymore."

Henry looked down at the picture on his datapad. Kaidan squinted at it. It wasn't even part of a news article, just pictures, results of a picture search.

"Getting a good look?" Henry craned his neck to look up at Kaidan. "How 'bout it?"

Kaidan stepped back. "You seriously want me to set you up? You know anything else other than how she looks?"

"Uh, yeah. She's hot."

"You don't even care whether she has a good personality or anything?"

"Does she?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then." Henry laughed. "Case closed."

"Kaidan! Kaidan!" Emily skipped sideways over to him.

"Em! Em! Em!"

"Are you going to have breakfast?" She grinned at him missing a front tooth.

"Already ate."

"Fine," she sighed with a pout. She motioned at his mom. "Everyone's already eaten."

Kaidan's mom pulled a towel out of the basket. "You better go eat then."

"Fine," she drew out the word.

"Fine," his mom echoed.

Emily rolled her eyes and stomped with exaggeration up the stairs. "I'm going."

His mom chuckled. "Pretending to be upset gets attention."

"So," Henry sat up straighter waving the datapad at Kaidan, "back to this. How do I get a piece of this hot ass?"

Kaidan ripped the datapad out of his hand. "Show some respect."

He slew it spinning across the glass coffee table and walked over to his mom.

"I would show her respect, Kaidan." Henry grinned. "I'd respect her so hard, she'd be arching her back moaning for me to stop respecting her."

The towel dropped from his mom's hands. Her head snapped to the empty stairway. Kaidan snatched the towel up and threw it at Henry's face.

"That, what you're waiting for?"

Henry chortled pulling it off his head. "Kaidan, what the hell?" Henry glanced at Kaidan's mom and stopped with a flinch. He looked back at Kaidan. "Sore subject?" He leaned over and picked up his datapad. He grabbed the towel. "Damn, Kaidan. You have a thing for her?"

"You shouldn't say that about anyone. She saved your sorry ass and everyone else's."

"Kaidan." His mom frowned at him and nodded toward the stairs.

No one was there. It wasn't even much of a curse word, but she was probably right.

Henry stood and flipped the towel over his shoulder. "Okay. Well, guess you haven't changed that much after all, Kaidan. Hey," he paused with a grin. "Next time you see her … give her my respects, won't you?"

He turned with a laugh and rushed to the stairs. His feet caught, and he stumbled spilling forward onto his hands and knees. The runner in front of the stairs scrunched up by his feet. He twisted around sharply holding his towel against the floor with a fist.

"You do that to me, Kaidan?"

Kaidan shrugged. "You're just clumsy."

"Right." Henry pushed himself up, his face reddening. He gripped his towel with tight knuckles, but he didn't say anything. He turned and tromped up the stairs. His footfalls muffled with each step until he was gone.

"Kaidan. You didn't need to do that."

"I know I didn't need to." Kaidan yanked a towel out of the basket and started to fold it.

His mom paused then pulled another towel out. "You seem upset."

Kaidan set the folded towel on the arm of the couch and motioned at the stairs. "He was being an ass."

"Well, that's Henry for you." His mom sighed. "You're on edge though. More upset than usual."

Kaidan hesitated and finally said. "Fine. Yes."

"'Fine. Yes?'"

They folded towels in silence. A murmur of voices and dishes came down the stairs. Someone ran over head. A bang. Wailing. Kate's voice and rushing footsteps. Kaidan's mom bumped his shoulder to get his attention.

"Still stewing over it?"

"I didn't like how he was talking about her."

"Her?"

"Shepard. I care about her."

"Hmm."

Kaidan rushed to add, "We've worked together a lot, had each other's backs. She doesn't deserve that. Just rubbed me the wrong way, I guess."

He turned the towel over on his arm and set it down. His mom studied him then nodded slowly. She set a folded towel on top of his and touched his arm.

"I remember how upset you were when the Normandy was destroyed. You thought she was dead."

"We lost a lot of crew."

"Your dad said you were upset about Shepard."

Kaidan reached for another towel. His mom laid her hand on it. "Kaidan." He met her eye. "Is this what you're upset about? You have feelings for her?"

Kaidan's breath caught. "What?"

"It's just, I know you were back on the Normandy during the war. You've hardy said a thing about it."

"A lot happened. I'm still processing it all."

"And that's all?"

"I don't know." Kaidan shifted on his feet.

His mom eyed him. He turned away, walked down the couch, and sat with a heavy thud. His mom didn't say anything and folded another towel. Kaidan felt her eyes on him. He hunched forward folding his hands and squinted out at the gray fog. His mom set down the last towel and walked over. She sank down next to him.

"Did something happen?"

Kaidan looked over at her for along moment before looking back down. He unfolded and refolded his hands. Finally, he let out a long breath.

"Yes." Kaidan closed his eyes. "We … we were together before this."

"The war?"

"Yes. No." Kaidan sighed opening his eyes. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" His mom leaned down by him.

"I meant, before the reapers were destroyed. Before the mass relays were damaged. After that, the crew and I were stranded on the Normandy all those months. Shepard was here on Earth."

"And now you're not together?"

Kaidan dragged his hands down his face. "I can't believe I'm telling you this."

She put a hand on his back, "Kaidan …"

Kaidan looked over sharply. "You know, it's against regulations to be with another officer."

"Even when you don't work the same—"

"Doesn't matter." He paused, then shrugged. "Well, maybe it matters in determining the degree of reprimand. But either way, you couldn't carry on after being reprimanded, not without being dismissed from service. And that's if the initial reprimand wasn't just to dismiss you. Dishonorable discharge."

"Kaidan."

"Look. Ultimately, it's fine. As it should be."

"Does she want to be with you?"

"I—I don't know. She knows where I stand."

"Which is?"

"Mom!" Kaidan sat upright. "I shouldn't even be talking about this stuff. Imagine if Dad were here. He'd be mortified. Probably ask himself how he could raise me to do something so stupid. It just … it didn't matter at the time. There wasn't a future to worry about."

His mom pressed her lips together and rubbed a circle on his back.

"I'm fine though." He pulled away. Her hand dropped. "I just need time to – like I said – process this."

"Kaidan …"

Footsteps reverberated down the stairs. Kate's voice.

"Kaidan, what's with the bags? You—"

His mom looked back at her sharply. Kaidan fixed his eyes ahead on the window. He watched his mom out of the side of his eye. At least, she wasn't mouthing anything. Her lips twisted as she gave Kate a nod.

"Grandma?" Maddy's voice came from above.

Little footsteps tapped down the stairs. Kaidan straightened, took a breath, and turned to the stairs. Kate already had her back to them looking up the stairs. Small red galoshes peeked from the top of the doorway. Kate made an ushering motion and moved up the stairs.

"Maddy, come help me with something." Kate's voice faded out.

The upstairs' door closed. His mom turned back and touched his knee.

"Kaidan, hey. Look at me. You know, your dad and I are … were …" She took a breath.

"Mom." Kaidan put an arm around her.

She smiled. "We were and are proud of you, you know."

"I know."

"But, you know why?"

"Of course."

"It's not just your service."

"I know that, Mom."

"We are proud of you for the man you've become. Yes, we - okay, especially your dad – were proud when you joined. We're proud of each commendation, each promotion. Proud of what you did on the Citadel. He'd be proud of what you did in the war, being a Spectre. But …" She twisted to really look at him. "But … we're more proud of who you are. Who you've become. Your dad was more proud of how responsible and kind and good you are than all the promotions and commendations you could ever earn. If we were proud of those, it was because it represented the person you were becoming. That's what made him proud and me too."

Kaidan squeezed her shoulder. "Thanks, Mom. That means a lot."

"And forget what Henry said." She rolled her glistening eyes.

"Already have." Kaidan handed her the tissue box off the table. "If Shepard was here, she'd kick his ass all the way to the Terminus System. Makes me feel better just thinking about it."

"Careful." His mom glanced backward. "The kids."

"The door's closed. Besides, they live with Kate. They're already screwed."

"Kaidan." She shook her head and plucked a Kleenex out.

Kaidan set the box back. He kissed her forehead and stood up.

"I have to go."

"What do you mean?" She frowned. "You're leaving tomorrow morning."

"I need to leave now. I'm sorry."

She stood up. "Why? It was that call earlier?"

"I'm needed back at Alliance Headquarters in Vancouver."

"You could come back for the night."

"It's not worth it. I needed to leave early anyway. I have a few things to wrap up at Headquarters before we deploy. This just gives me more time."

"Fine." She pulled him into a hug. "How long this time?"

"Few months maybe, then something longer. I'll be back on leave before that though."

"But I won't hear from you until then?"

"Probably not," he conceded and pulled away. "I'll go say good bye."