Aimless Victory

(Barrier Book 1)

Human Systems Alliance

The Uniform Code of Military Justice

UCMJ Articles 77-134: Punitive articles of military law for offenses that, if violated, can result in punishment by court martial.

Article 134-23: Fraternization – Personal relationships between officers that are unduly familiar and prejudicial to good order and discipline or that are service discrediting are prohibited. Dating, shared living accommodations, intimate or sexual relationships, commercial solicitation, and private business partnerships are considered unduly familiar and violate the long-standing tradition of the armed services. A relationship is considered fraternization even when parties are in different organizational and chain of command lines. Conduct, which constitutes fraternization, is not excused or mitigated by subsequent marriage of offending parties.

(1)That the accused was a Humans System Alliance commissioned or warrant officer

(2)That the accused fraternized with one or more Human System Alliance commissioned or warrant officer(s) and/or enlisted member(s)

(3)That the accused then knew the person to be a Human System Alliance commissioned or warrant officer(s) and/or enlisted member(s)

(4)That such fraternization violated the custom of Human System Alliance regulations that members shall not fraternize

(5)That under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed services

Violations of such regulations, directives, or orders are punishable, with or without verbal reprimand, by an order to cease, reassignment, denial of a promotion, demotion, and court martial. Maximum punishment will not be greater than dismissal barring reenlistment, forfeiture of pay and allowances, and confinement for two years.

Such punishments generally signal the end of a Human Systems Alliance military career.

Prologue

Rain poured outside the hospital window. Shepard stared through the running glass at the charred husks of Vancouver skyscrapers. Silhouettes of lifting cranes moved in the gray skyline. Down below, umbrellas hurried on pedestrian walkways as a single car idled waiting for the intersection's light to change. Her view was momentarily eclipsed by a passing shuttled as it rumbled by so slowly it had to be looking for one of the hospital landing pads. Behind Shepard, the hospital room's door opened with a vacuumed hiss. Heels clicked across the tile to her bed.

"Not getting out of bed again today?" Miranda said.

Shepard stared at the streams of rain on the window.

"Well?" Miranda said rounding the foot of the bed.

Shepard folded the pillow under her head and tucked her hands beneath.

She sighed. "I've gotten up."

"More than just the bathroom?"

"Yes." Shepard flicked her eyes down to Miranda. "Filled my own sippy cup, even went down the hall for ice."

"Oh, well, then."

Miranda slid her hand along the hospital bed's railing until she loomed over Shepard. She snatched the sippy cup off the rolling table at the head of the bed. She sloshed it around, frowned down at Shepard, and taped it back onto the metal table top.

"What?" Shepard said. "You think I'm lying? Ice melts you know."

"Must have been a while ago. Only got ice once? And, it's full. You haven't been drinking it?"

Shepard nodded up at the IV dripping above. "Got it coming by vein. By mouth's a lot more work."

"And, you're not going to work for anything?" Miranda put both hands on the railing and stared down at her. "You want me to bring in your medals and a fish bowl? Maybe hang a few pictures up on the wall? No reason to ever leave."

"My medals were on the Normandy."

Miranda tapped her fingernails on the railing and nodded with pressed lips.

"Okay." Miranda shoved away from the rail.

She grabbed the back of a chair sitting against the wall. The metal legs skipped across the tiled flooring until she reached the head of Shepard's bed. Shepard lifted her head off the pillow. Her eyes widened watching Miranda settle into the seat.

"What? No," Shepard said.

"Here." Miranda leaned over and clicked a button on the side of the bed.

The bed hummed. Shepard sat forward and swung her head back to watch the pillow rise with the head of her bed.

"I can get more ice," Shepard said snapping her head back to Miranda.

Miranda pulled her fingers off the button after a moment and sat back. She gave Shepard a dull, level look.

"Just sit back," she said.

"You want ice too?" Shepard scooted up and threw the blanket off her feet. "What are you drinking, Miranda? Got tap or filtered."

Miranda folded her arms and cocked her head. "You brought it up."

"Because that's where my medals are. Just correcting the sarcastic dig."

"Let's talk about the Normandy. It's why you're still in here, isn't it? Staring forlornly out the window."

"Forlornly?" Shepard sputtered. "Please."

"You've been like this for months, ever since you woke up. We don't know anything yet. The Normandy could be out there, maybe stranded on the other side of some distant relay."

Shepard folded her hands in her lap and matched Miranda's level stare. She didn't say anything.

"You know, you're lucky to be alive."

"I know that."

"Then stop mopping and work on getting out of here."

Shepard rested her head back on the pillow and sighed. "Fine. I'll get ice more often."

"That's not what I mean."

"Then what?" Shepard sat forward. "You want me running laps by next week? Tossing boulders around, climbing cliffs, jumping rooftops, doing jumping jacks?"

Miranda sat silent and stared at Shepard with an unchanged expression.

"Done?" Miranda asked.

"Two hundred chin ups?"

"Shepard." Miranda scooted her chair closer to Shepard's growly sigh. "Shepard, you're a strong person. This isn't you."

"It's the new me." Shepard's forehead pinched as she picked at a cuticle. She didn't say anything more but neither did Miranda. Finally, Shepard sighed. "I don't know, Miranda. This has … I feel weak and left open. Didn't know I was giving myself a damned kill switch. Mindoir, Akuze, I came out stronger. But now with Kaid—the Normandy, I don't know."

"You'll get back up. You're expecting too much."

"I've become this irrational weakling, emotional and feeble. There's this weakness in me."

"We all have weaknesses. Losing people we care about is a weakness everyone carries."

"No." Shepard pressed fingers to her pinched lips and shook her head. "No, that's not true. I've lost people before – my parents, best friends, comrades, mentors - nothing …" She gasped against her fingertips and squeezed her eyes shut. "Nothing like this. It's not the losing part."

Miranda sighed. Her chair scrapped back. A touch hesitated on Shepard's shoulder then moved to her back. A stiff palm rested between her shoulder blades. Miranda cleared her throat.

"It will be … It's okay. Time. That sort of thing."

"And the geth too," Shepard mumbled.

"Geth?" Miranda's palm tapped her back. "Now you're just letting this upset spread into everything." Shepard shook her head inhaling a sharp breath. Miranda's hand tapped faster and her boots creaked as she shifted on her feet.

The hospital room door clicked. Shepard's spine straightened. The doors hissed open, and she scrubbed roughly at her face with both hands. She slowed her breathing dropping her hands to her side and turned to the door with a smoothed expression.

Admiral Hackett shifted in the open doorway. Shepard's stomach went up her throat. He glanced back at the hallway before taking a single step in.

"Is this a bad time?" His eyes went to Miranda.

Miranda didn't answer though and gave Shepard a sharp pop on the back with her palm. Shepard pulled her shoulders back and nodded at him with a pulled-up smile.

"Perfect time. It's fine," Shepard said.

"Good, good." A smile grew across his face, and he stepped further in. "I have some good news for you, Commander."

Shepard kept her smile fixed as he stopped by the side of her bed. He was practically beaming. Shepard's pulse beat in her ears, and she gripped the rail of the hospital bed.

"We got word," Hackett said. "Ship to ship. She's light years out, but she's safe. The Normandy's on her way home."

Chapter 1

"What happens now?" Shepard leaned back in her chair.

Sunlight spilled over the patio's cafeteria tables. Alliance Headquarters bustled in the background beyond the patio's open door. Alliance officers and Council diplomats rushed between appointments and endless conferences. A salarian argued into a short-range comm in his ear as he dodged around a group of elcor. The elcor gazed through the hallway's glass walls and beyond the patio. They'd been there for a while drinking in the Vancouver skyline. Seemed like a boring drink. They couldn't even see the ocean from that angle. A shuttle passed in the distance adding to the clamor of feet and voices. It wasn't the comforting roar and hum of a ship's engine, but at least it was sound. Anything was better than silence.

"What happens now?" Kaidan repeated sitting across the table. He shrugged. "We rebuild. Everyone gets home. Eventually."

The coffee at his elbow sat untouched. It wasn't steaming anymore, even with the cool air coming off the bay.

Shepard nodded idly and gazed out over the horizon. "Ten months, Kaidan. Long time not dropping anchor. You all right?"

"Yeah," he said. "Long time to ration though. Never cared about a can of peaches so much."

"I heard what you did - pulling the crew together, taking command."

He shrugged. "Everyone did their part. Tali and that flotilla workaround for the fuel. Joker measuring, charting the discharge stops. Dr. Chakwas. Any one of us, we wouldn't have made it back."

"Still," Shepard glanced at him, "a good leader knows how to use the team, make the calls. You kept everyone from killing each other. Talking to Garrus, it sounds like that wasn't far off."

"Well," Kaidan paused. "Thanks."

Shepard drummed her fingers on the chair's narrow metal armrest and concentrated on the table's cleaning streaks. Kaidan's eyes weighed on her. She could see him in the top edge of her vision. She shouldn't have put him off all week. She should've just met with him straight off after he'd gotten back.

"Tali's discharged," Shepard said.

"Yeah?"

"Dextran food that's not rotted, fresh filters, antibiotics - recipe for quarian health."

"For a while, Dr. Chakwas was saying if …" He stopped, and his eyes drifting off for a moment. He looked back at her quickly. "Well, I'm glad she's all right."

He watched her quietly as she drummed her fingers again. She should probably just say it. That's why he was here after all - his email to meet, grab coffee, or whatever. He'd probably been trying to talk to her since his migraine broke, and he was back on his feet.

"I never expected this." She said it as she thought it.

Sometimes things came out like that. It was as if some subordinate submitted a document for distribution before it had come across the editor's desk to get stamped for publishing. Kaidan though, she was pretty sure what he said went through a rigorous editing process. He probably had a whole panel of editors sitting around discarding first drafts, sending manuscripts back to the writer with sticking notes on every page, the document dripping in red ink. Sometimes, he didn't answer things right away. She imagined the panel blowing up into a debate, talking over each other, shoving their chairs back as they pointed and waved fingers in each other's faces. Just a delay, then a decision was made, and he said something just-right and political. No wonder the brass loved him. Not everything was so deliberate though. He had a few rogue subordinates running around distributing raw copies. She's seen it - Horizon and other times. That was the past though.

"None of us expected this," Kaidan said. "We all thought it was 'good bye' that day in London, for some of us, for all of us. No time to think about tomorrow when you still haven't made it through today."

"That's very lyrical, Kaidan. Would go well in one of my speech. How about I borrow it?"

"My royalty fees are pretty steep."

"Then I'll just steal it."

Kaidan shrugged. "You've stolen larger things."

"True." Shepard smiled. "Then, so have you. Watching over my shoulder the whole time does make you an accomplice."

"I knew what I was doing. Already had my outfit picked out for the firing squad."

Shepard smirked. "Really? Something other than your uniform?"

"No, it was my uniform, but I had a matching blindfold for it."

"Uh huh," Shepard said. "I'd be more focused on picking out the last meal."

"Has to be steak. Don't even show me the menu."

"Figures," Shepard said folding her arms. "Well, I'm glad you didn't need your matching blindfold. A little sad you didn't get your steak. But, getting all the promotions made up for that, right?"

"Hey, speaking of which." He straightened.

"The steak?"

"The promotions. Congrats. Staff commander."

Shepard gave a lopsided smile. "Yeah? Thanks, Major."

"Hey, everyone knows it's overdue. They can't launch you straight to the top. Still a step up from lieutenant commander."

"You met this new Alliance brass yet, Kaidan? They're not launching me to the top. Maybe launching me somewhere, but sure as hell not up."

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

Shepard put a hand on her coffee cup and twisted it around in the table. "Don't take my word for it, but go to a few more meetings and shake a few more hands, you'll see. With everyone stranded here and the Council living in HQ, the Alliance seems positioning to be king of the mountain. And trust me, they're trying. Worried I'll usurp their control or undermine it or something."

Kaidan's frown deepened. "But Hackett—"

"He's just an admiral, Kaidan. It's the flight admirals in the Alliance Parliament."

"I thought we lost most of the flight admirals. Then I saw Dumas, Linahan, and Sheng at the meeting this week."

"They evacuated from Arcturus. Holed up on some planet. Got back to Earth maybe six months ago. Parliament's one big melting pot though – all the greedy hands helping each other to the top. Earth-based military leaders and government heads filling the power vacuum. And now, the flight admirals that survived Arcturus are back. Alliance is essentially head of humanity, and there's a lot of power to consolidate while everything's new and in flux."

Kaidan sat silent.

"Trust me," Shepard added. "If I hadn't been in the hospital for seven months, I would have done something before they planted flags. They know that. It's probably why they hate me. But they're dug in now and been in power nearly a year. We'll just have to do our part to make sure they don't get carried away. And, we still have Hackett. He's not underhanded and quid pro quo enough to have gotten a hand up, but he has sway. He's political enough to be on their good side, I think."

"You really think they hate you?"

"Sure. Doesn't mean they'll hate you. I hope."

Kaidan rubbed the table edge with his thumb.

"You've met with them, right?" Shepard asked.

"Uh, yeah, but I didn't …" Kaidan focused back on her. "You think they plan to undermine the Council?"

"Not precisely," Shepard said. "Not officially anyway. How could they?"

Kaidan's brow wrinkled. He stared at the table, quiet.

"Hey," Shepard booted his foot under the table. "It'll work out. It's a nice summer day. It's Earth, and you're home, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." He gave a small smile.

His eyes scanned her face studying her. The coffee cup crumbled slightly in her hand, and she loosened her grip before drawing her lips into a smile. Kaidan opened his mouth as if to speak.

"So, uh … Kaidan," Shepard said quickly.

She needed to get back on track. She'd always gone off the cuff in her speeches, and she'd accomplished a lot not knowing a word she was going to say. She'd brought together the krogan, turiens, quarians, … the geth. Shepard swallowed and refocused. Yes, she'd accomplished a lot just telling it how it was, blunt and unscripted. But Kaidan, he was so careful with what he said, he deserved better. Better from her. She'd thought about how to say it, how to lead into it. She'd gone over it again and again in her head. She just needed to get it done.

"I saw Garrus and Tali at the Dungeon last night." The opening line in her script.

"The Dungeon?" Kaidan let out a breath and leaned back in his chair. He crossed his arms and then quickly, as if realizing he was giving closed off body language or something, uncrossed them. He pulled his coffee cup closer but didn't drink it.

"The Dungeon," Shepard repeated, then paused. "What? I don't look like a Dungeon regular to you?"

A weak smile.

"Do you want to? I mean ... I guess, where else are you going to find a good fight near Alliance Headquarters?"

"The council chamber for one."

He nodded. His smile stretched more genuinely, and he gave a light laugh. Not a real laugh but one conceding the humor in what you said.

"Yeah?" He actually picked up his coffee and took a drink. "The council chamber? Bet you can't find the same discounts on red sand."

"You find red sand on someone in the council chamber, I'm betting you can work out a discount on whatever you want."

"I think, I'd rather have a Dungeon drug lord as my enemy."

"What? Come on. What's a politician next to brutes and banshees?" Shepard said. "I'm not in the little leagues anymore."

"The Citadel's arena reader board was destroyed. Is there really any proof what league you're in, Shepard?"

"Damnit. Knew I should've been taking more pictures."

"Should have upgraded your Omni-Tool camera instead of adding that extra melee blade."

"Hindsight." Shepard sighed holding her coffee at chest level. She took a sip.

Kaidan lounged back with his arms on the armrest and watched her. Her hands tightened around the cup again. She still wasn't ready.

"Think the stores on the citadel would've accepted my Spectre discount on an upgrade for my Omni-Tool camera?"

Kaidan shrugged. "You'd know. You're Commander Shepard, and all your favorite stores were on the citadel."

Shepard tapped her coffee cup onto the table and leaned forward. "Don't be sore you missed all the endorsement opportunity by being the second human Spectre."

"Probably for the best." He leaned forward also. "I couldn't have matched your zeal in capitalizing on all those opportunities."

"Hey, hey. Can't help if advertisers love me."

"Your good looks get you everything."

"Get me everything, huh? Probably why my warnings were taken so much to heart then. The Alliance, the Council, the media - their elaborate over preparation for the reapers."

"Overpreparation? Good thing too. You might have hijacked a ship or blown something up otherwise."

"Well, that sounds more fun anyway."

Their hands nearly touched on the table. His smile broadened as he gazed back at her. He was close enough she could touch his face if she wanted. Her fingertips could brush down the smooth graininess of his jawline, his brown eyes searching deep into hers. And, if she drew his face in closer, she'd feel his jaw tensing under her fingertip and his breathing tightening. She'd smell the soap from his morning shower.

A boom exploded behind her. She jumped and swung around reaching for that feel of biotic energy. A cafeteria tray clattered to a stop on the patio floor behind her.

"Uh, sorry," an asari said picking up the tray.

Shepard released her breath. Kaidan touched her hand. It jolted her. It shocked her more than the cafeteria tray hitting the cement. She twisted back to the table.

"You all right?" His eyebrows furrowed.

"Of course." She drew her hand off the table.

Kaidan's eyes flickered down where her hand had been. He looked up quickly, but his mouth tightened.

"Jumpy," he said.

"Sometimes."

"Yeah. Me too."

With the shock passing, the queasiness in her stomach returned. She needed to stop sidetracking and just say it.

"I almost used my biotics," she blurted out instead.

"You're can't use them?"

"Not until Miranda clears me. The implant might be damaged, my cybernetic implants are still settling, and everything needs to heal before it can handle the metabolic load."

"I didn't know." He sighed and scanned her face. "How're you feeling?"

"Me? Fine," Shepard said.

He held her eyes but didn't say anything. She rolled her lips then shrugged.

"Weird sometimes," she admitted.

"Weird?"

"Off maybe?" Shepard leaned her elbows on the table. "I don't know. Miranda says everything's fine."

"But you feel 'weird'?'"

Shepard put her chin in her hands. "How's anyone supposed to feel being rebuilt twice? It would probably be more wrong if I felt right. I don't know how to describe it. It's weird. Like I shouldn't be here, and my body knows it."

Kaidan frowned down at the table. The breeze rustled his hair as seagulls called in the distance. A shuttle passed low overhead.

He looked up. "Did you feel like this before? After Cerberus rebuilt you?"

"No, but I didn't have all these implants to jar up. How much is messed up from actual physical trauma? How much from that energy burst on the crucible? I'm part synthetic and all the synthetics are gone." Shepard sat up taller and took a deep breath. "Everything's fine though. Miranda says that what she put in for Cerberus is functioning. Everything just needs time to settle down, heal. Then we can introduce my biotics back."

"Shepard." He glanced around them before turning back to her. "What happened up there? Anderson, the Illusive Man …"

Shepard focused on her hands. She folded them in front of her on the table.

"Kaidan, you know what happened."

"Do I? I know what I read." He searched her face. "But from you … what happened?"

Shepard's throat tightened. If she said it, told anyone about the choices, then it became true. The Crucible's decision was made, and there was no going back. People knowing, so they could doubt and debate possible outcomes, wouldn't change anything. She'd debated all the options inside herself a million times over a hundred sleepless nights in the dark. Whether she made the right choice on the Crucible was moot. Nothing good came from people micro analyzing it. In the end, the best choice was to never mention there being a choice.

It was a weight around her neck though - the geth extinction. Everyone suspected, but with the comm buoys and relays down, no one knew for sure whether all the geth were gone. The other choices could have saved every lifeform. The relays probably wouldn't be in pieces. Millions across the galaxy wouldn't be stranded, starving, and reverting to savagery. Shepard would live with her choice until her dying day. It didn't mean everyone else needed to.

"Something happened up there, didn't it, Shepard?" Kaidan asked.

He moved a hand toward hers then stopped. He drew back and rested his hands in front of him on the table instead.

"Shepard?"

"A lot happened," Shepard said staring at her hands and listening to her heart beat. She couldn't doubt herself on this or every choice she'd ever made, that she was making, all of it, would crumble around her.

"It's okay," Kaidan said. "I shouldn't push you. I wasn't planning on asking about it."

"Kaidan," Shepard looked squarely at him. "I want to tell you, but I can't. There was a decision to make. I made it. I'm … I'm still coming to terms with it."

Kaidan gave a small smile. "I'm sure you made the right decision, Shepard."

"You don't know that," Shepard said sharply.

"Shepard …" He leaned over the table.

"Kaidan, stop," Shepard said. "You don't know."

Kaidan's face tightened, but he didn't lean back.

"Shepard, you got further than anyone else."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Just listen," Kaidan said. "Whatever the choice was, you're the only one that made it far enough to find one. The only option the rest of us had was destruction, the Reapers harvesting planet after planet, and everything we fought for these last years, all the people – Jenkins, Ash, Anderson – dying for nothing. You brought everyone together, and that's never happened. And it all would've been for nothing, except that you made a decision." He swallowed and shook his head. "Shepard, it doesn't matter what the decision was, you made the right choice just by making one at all."

Shepard stared at him. He smiled.

"Maybe," she said. "I don't know, but thanks."

She smiled back, but at the same time, a heaviness settled in her chest, a bitterness in realizing where they were - here on the Alliance patio, facing the future, and the return of Freality. She leaned back in her chair and snatched her cold coffee off the table. She just needed something to focus on and hold.

"Anyway," she exhaled.

Kaidan didn't move and searched her face. She had to stop procrastinating. Make it light. Make it natural.

"Anyway," she continued, "I saw Garrus and Tali at the Dungeon."

Kaidan's eyes dropped, and he glanced away.

"Full circle, then?" He pushed back in his chair. "Continue." He made a waving motion with his hand.

Full circle? 'Ah, back to the uncomfortable tension as before' is what he meant.

Shepard pushed on. "Garrus talked to the primarch. He heard from a ship that heard from a ship that Palavan's comm buoy is nearly up. Palavan's mass relay is likely on schedule with Sol's if their buoy's almost repaired."

There was a dullness in Kaidan's eyes now, as if she was talking about the weather to fill up time traveling with a stranger on an elevator.

"And?" he prompted.

"Garrus will return to Palavan. Probably still a year off. Tali has plans on Rannoch."

Kaidan nodded. "Returning to your homeworld after so many generations has to be unbelievable."

His words sounded sincere, but there was hesitation. He seemed to be waiting for the punchline.

"Liara," Shepard said. "I'm sure she's finding her contacts again. Haven't seen her much yet, but I imagine, she'll probably go back to Illium or Thessia when the Relays are up."

"Liara's a good friend. I think she worried about you as much as I did. You should track her down. It was a rough several months. Hard on everyone, but some more than others."

"She's busy with Javik and his celebrity, but I'll see her. I'll make it a priority. And Joker too."

"Joker …" Kaidan said. "You know, he's not a big fan of mine. I think the time on board just cemented that, but he'll listen to you. His dad and sister, EDI. He needs someone. I think he left Headquarters for a while though."

"He'll be back. He just needs some time to clear his head."

Kaidan gave a slow nod.

"So," Shepard took a breath, "everyone is moving on. All these futures we didn't think we had or at least didn't really consider."

Kaidan sighed. "This is a very long lead in. Just say it. I don't need coddled."

"Kaidan …"

"Just say what you mean, Shepard. You always have before." He straightened in his chair. "I love it about you. I'm a big boy. I can take it."

Her eyes drifted to the birds soared over the ocean behind him. Seagulls.

Kaidan glanced behind at the birds then squared his gaze back on Shepard and prompted. "Everyone is moving on. Futures we didn't think we had …"

"Kaidan. All right." No more distractions, procrastinations. "When everything's falling apart broken regs can be overlooked, forgiven. But now? Our relationship is common knowledge. Neither of us knew we would both we standing at the end of the war. The odds … The Alliance won't turn a blind eye on it anymore."

"We're Spectres."

"And Alliance officers. The way things sit now, the council may be boss in name, but the Alliance calls the shots and has all the power. The citadel orbits Earth now. Play their cards right, the Alliance may stay on top. Besides, Kaidan, the Council doesn't give resources to Spectres. You know that. Without Alliance's resources, all we have is a name badge."

"The other races won't let the Alliance dictate everything."

"It's politics. Closed doors. Right now everyone's on our court. Set the foundation, it might stay that way, at least through our lifetime. Besides, we're both career soldiers. It's who I am. It's who you are, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Yes," Shepard repeated. "You're one of the best soldiers I know, Kaidan. You're an asset to the whole Alliance. You've already risen up the ranks. The higher, the more say you'll have. We need someone with integrity like you influencing the Alliance's future. And the brass like you. With your background, skill in bioitics-"

"You're one of the most powerful bioitics I've seen, Shepard. What you do with barriers, their impermeability, it's astounding."

"Regardless of that." She wasn't going to be diverted off topic. "The Alliance, the Council, everything counts more than ever. How we rebuild, how we lay the foundation for the future, we're both needed in different ways and we can't achieve anything without the Alliance. As long as we're Alliance soldiers, if we carry on, everything will all be taken away."

"Have you been reprimanded?" Kaidan frowned. "Did Admiral Hackett—"

"No, not yet, but we're high profile, Kaidan. It's not going to be swept under the rug. It would be a reprimand conditional on a change of behavior, or that's replaced with a court martial. At best, it would be a terrible blow to our career. At worst, it's dishonorable discharges. If they wanted to follow our relationship back to the days on Normandy SR-1, when we were in the same line of command and Virmire …"

"We weren't together before Virmire."

"We know that, but you think they'll take our word on it? They'll subpoena our friends in the Alliance. Joker'd be hauled in there under oath. He knows everything."

"Everything?"

"A lot. Adams, Cortez, Donnelly, Daniels, Dr. Chakwas, Vega, all the soldiers surviving the Normandy 1's explosion who're still alive, maybe even your biotic students. They saw you kiss me in London. Our hearing would have quite the roll call, and it would be big news. Think of the situation we'd be putting our friends in, the media storm and slander, losing our jobs, disgraced. What would your family think?"

"They don't know about us."

"They would after our disciplinary hearing gets front page," Shepard said. "What other option is there? Just sneak around hoping we don't get caught?"

Kaidan stared down at the table. "I don't know. Maybe …"

"We'll get caught. Matter of time. Guaranteed. And what if we didn't get caught? Or the brass did decide to turn a blind eye, which they won't, what then? Sneak around forever?"

"No, that's not … I don't want it to be that way, Shepard." He looked up at her. "I just know I want to be with you."

"Sneaking around has no end game, Kaidan. Best case, we put off the decision we should be making right now. Ending things later won't be any easier, it'll probably be worse. We can't just sneak into each other's rooms forever. You'd start feeling guilty. I'd be paranoid, hyperalert."

Kaidan sighed and rubbed a temple. "That's not what I want anyway. We're alive. There's a future. I want something real."

"Then sneaking around …"

"Fine. No, okay?" He folded his arms and looked down again.

"Okay. Then, if we're not sneaking around, and we're not leaving the Alliance, those are the options. And don't leave the Alliance, Kaidan."

"I didn't say I would."

"Good." Shepard leaned forward to catch his eye. He looked up with a frown. Shepard forced a smile. "Hey. I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to see everything you've earned taken away or given up. Besides, there's a need greater than either of us. You on your path, me on mine. We're stronger that way. Together, we're an easy target and out of the game. We accomplish nothing."

The breeze off the ocean picked up. A salty mist hung in the air. Kaidan's eyes dropped to the table, and he tightened his arms across his chest. They sat in silence except for the bird cries over the waves and the waxing and waning of passing shuttles.

Kaidan passed a hand over his face still staring at the table. "I love you, Shepard. I have for a long time. I've only ever wanted to get to this moment – the Reapers defeated, both of us alive, the Normandy and everyone safe, the galaxy saved. You saved it, Shepard." He let out a long breath and looked her in the eye. "When the Normandy crashed, all I could think about was you. Whether you were alive, in pain, alone. Was anyone looking for you? I knew I should be focusing on the crew, the problems, the solutions. And I did. We did all those things - repair the ship, orient ourselves, plan our way back, fuel, food, survival - but a part of me only wanted those things, so I could find you. When I heard you were alive, I can't even describe how I felt. Being here with you now, it's beyond the luckiest break anyone deserves. Just to spend one more day with you after that day in London … I don't need anything else."

Shepard tightened her fingers around the metal arms of her chair. Later. It was what she always told herself in these moments. Think about it later or never.

"Kaidan …" She wasn't sure what to say.

"Don't worry about it, Shepard." He stood up sliding his chair back and gave her a small smile. "Just stay safe. If you need anything …"

Shepard returned a tight smile. "If you need anything too. You know that."

He touched her shoulder as he passed. "Take care, Shepard."

Then, he was gone. Shepard scrambled to her feet. She fumbled with her Omni-Tool and checked her calendar. She always had a full schedule. She needed a full schedule now more than ever. She grabbed their cups off the table and dashed them into the garbage can as she rushed into the busy hall.