I didn't know how to set things back to how they used to be. As much as I had loved to keep her happy, I also had a mean fucking streak in me. And so when I saw her hugging her fucking ex that's when I formulated a plan to have her hate me. The hug was apparently innocent and with no meaning behind it but I just couldn't do that shit. From what she had told me about him I just couldn't see why she would do that. It felt like a slap to the face. I was there to help pick up the pieces when she thought she was irrevocably broken by him. I was there to help her get herself back together. As selfish as my fucking ass sounds I was there when that jerk was no where in sight to at least atone to the bullshit he put her through. These past few weeks I've made it a point to ignore her. If she stops by when I'm in my dorm I stay silent and play stupid as if it's empty. When we pass each other on campus I act as if I haven't seen her. When she calls I don't pick up. And when she leaves messages, wether by voicemail or paper, I send them automatically to the trash. My sister is pissed at me but I don't expect her to understand. She didn't see the mess that was left behind by someone who had supposedly loved her.
- I don't get why you're doing this to her but it's fucked up. Please just talk to her and whatever it is fix it. You know I love you and I know this is not you. - Alice
I throw my phone across the room and I hear it hit the wall. Not giving a shit if it's broken or not, I stalk across my room and get ready. I knew for a fact that she would be at this party with the hopes of seeing me and I was going to be there. Slipping on a pair of jeans, a plain black T-shirt and my Adidas sneakers, I grab the cologne that she gifted me for Christmas and spray some on me. I knew that I was being petty doing so but pettiness be damned. Without glancing at myself in the mirror, I grab my keys and leave. Walking the few blocks to the house where the party is at, I contemplate what my reaction will be when I see her. Will I chicken out and not go through with this? Can my selfishness really run that deep that I'd be willing to purposely fuck up her life? Those days that I was there for her I promised that I wouldn't hurt her like he did and yet here I am. Worse than the last fucker.
As I walk up the few blocks to my destination, I can see the line of cars parked up the block and going up around the curve. A few people say hello my way and I manage to smile. Once I get there I stand outside with my hands in my pockets. It's now or never. Making my way inside, I see my friends standing in the open doorway that leads between the living room and dining room. They're laughing and joking about something that I don't pay attention to. All I can see is her. She looks at me timidly and smiles. I look at her straight faced and in that moment a red haired girl, Victoria, that is in my Physics class comes up beside me. She laughs, at what? I don't know and I don't care. She grabs my hand pulling me along with her and I steal a glance in her direction and that's when I see her world shatter. When I emerge later back into the living room, my clothes are a little more discheveled, my hair is in worse disarray and I now have the sick, sweet scent of her perfume colliding with my cologne and invading my nose. My heart clenches and I almost stop breathing at the sight before me. She looks so fucking broken just like before but she wouldn't stop staring. Alice is watching me shaking her head and whispers something to her as she grabs her hand pulling her out of the room. The rest of the evening I'm in a daze. I don't see her and my friends keep their distance. I don't blame them. Half way through the party I see she heads outside and I excuse myself to follow. Victoria brushes me off and I want to look indignantly but I shrug my shoulders and go in search of the one person I want to see at this moment. Emmett stops me and I physically growl. He lifts a brow at me with a small chuckle and I shove past him out the back door. When I see her next she is looking up at the night sky with tears streaming down her face. I want to reach out and wipe them away but I've lost that right. Instead I slowly approach and she turns around.
"Why?" She asks with a broken voice.
"You know why, Bella," I gruffly say and catch my bearings. I don't want her to see me falter and so I put my mask back on playing the asshole role I know I can.
"You know that it meant absolutely nothing and yet you couldn't talk to me before deciding for the both of us what was better."
I inhale sharply knowing now that Alice has told her and run a hand through my hair giving it a pull. I can hear Victoria in the background and soon she's calling my name.
"Then you should know that this is absolutely nothing also."
Before I even know what's happened she's slapped me across the face and I stand there accepting the sting that follows. I don't call out to her and I let her leave. For this to work my facade has to be perfect. As much I still loved her, the way that I've fucked this up leaves no way to return.
"I'm sorry, Bella," I mumble to no one but myself and make my way back to the party.