The Horror! Oh, The Horror!
Bella, the Volturi, the wolves, and the Cullens (15 yrs after Bella's change) read a mysterious book found in Forks. And the book just happens to be…a MARY SUE FANFIC! Read for Edward's reactions, if nothing else. R&R please!
Chapter One
Bella Cullen: Prologue of Doom
It was a Saturday. I was lying on Edward's bed, fiddling with my shoelaces. Everyone but Rosalie and myself had slipped out for a spot of hunting. You know, a deer or two. Your typical quick outing. Rosalie and I had hunted a couple days ago, so we were fine.
Truth to tell, I wasn't so happy to be stuck with only Rosalie for company. Although fifteen years had eroded some of her animosity towards me, she still didn't like me much. She was in her room, trying on some new clothes, as far as I could tell, while I was in Edward's room, at a loss for anything to do.
Then my sleek, silver cell phone rang, singing "Bubbly," the song I had designated, quite fittingly, for my sister Alice. I had the phone up to my ear in less than a heartbeat.
"Alice?"
"Bella!" she cried, her high soprano voice smooth. "Guess what?"
"What?" I asked. Alice was too far away for me to read her mind. That was part of my gift—no mental power, such as Edward's or Jane's, could touch me, but I could absorb it, ready to use whenever I felt like it. I could also shield people from mental gifts. This came in handy when we were interacting with other covens.
"I saw something."
"No, really," I laughed sarcastically, my words too fast—and soft—for a mere human to hear.
"Bella! Just be quiet for a second, okay?" Alice's tone surprised me. She sounded very worried. "The Volturi are coming."
The Volturi. The words sent chills down my spine. "Wh—why?" I asked, my usually velvet voice rough and trembling.
"They're just traveling. It's Aro's birthday or something. But they're going to come to our house, Bella."
"Well, I'm changed! I've been changed for fifteen years. There's nothing to worry about…nothing…" I finished lamely, trying to convince myself as well as Alice. "Go back to hunting. I know you're thirsty."
Alice sighed. "All right, Bella. Bye."
"Bag an antelope for me."
Alice's tinkling wind chime laugh rang in my ears even after I flipped the phone shut. I got up and walked over to Rose's room, my feet soundless on the white carpet. I knocked.
"Come in," came Rosalie's voice, albeit a bit begrudgingly. "Bella. What do you need?" she asked when I came through the door.
"The Volturi are coming." Rosalie's smug expression froze in place and then melted off her perfect face like ice in summer.
"Just thought I'd let you know," I continued, eager to get out of her room. I slipped out, her shocked face still embedded in my mind.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"I hope that's not who I think it is," I muttered as I zoomed downstairs. Rosalie was hot on my heels. I flung open the door and saw something I did not expect.
The Quileute werewolves.
They were all minutely older and slightly taller, their black eyes wiser, like they'd seen more of the world than they'd really wanted to. They smelled positively disgusting, like human feces. Except ten times worse.
It was all I could do not to wrinkle my nose, but hey, these guys were our friends. At least, Seth, Embry, Quil, Jake and Sam were. The rest…er…let's just say they were absent.
"Um, hi?" At least I didn't have to get into the whole treaty thing. It had been dissolved a while back, due to the friendships that came up between vampire and werewolf, and because we were deemed "not dangerous."
I heard a hiss behind me. Rose's delicate nose was crinkled, her perfect eyebrows raised disdainfully over her ocher eyes, her crimson mouth pursed. "Rose!" I admonished quietly.
"Sorry," she mouthed. She arranged her facial features into a semblance of politeness.
"Hi," Jacob offered tentatively. "Uh…it's nice to see you again."
"Same to you. Come in," I remembered to say, inviting the werewolves in. "The rest of the family will be back soon. They're…they're out hunting."
Rose hissed behind me, "The Volturi!"
"I know," I whispered. "Don't worry." Just as I had ushered the men in, what should happen but the doorbell rang again. I groaned as I answered the door. Big surprise.
It was the Volturi—well, at least two of them. Was the house becoming a gathering place or something?
"Greetings, Bella!" cried Aro in his feathery voice. He was accompanied by Jane, who shot me a furious look. You know, your typical greeting-after-ten-years. "Jane and I were traveling…thought we'd stop by…"
"Of course," I said automatically, waving them in.
"What is that awful smell?" asked Jane sweetly, speaking for the first time. I used Edward's gift to hear what she was thinking.
Ugh. I can't believe Aro has dragged me here. Carlisle isn't even in by the looks of it. And what the heck is that dang stink?
It's you, I thought privately.
"It's werewolf," I answered, turning away just in time to see her gag.
Aro: Ah, Carlisle. Ever the friend-of-all-the-world.
Jane: I am seriously starting to think Aro is gay. What is with this obsession over Carlisle?
I chuckled. Aro looked at me, bewildered, while Jane and I shared the flicker of a smile.
"Right in here," I said hospitably, ushering them into the family room. Jane stopped momentarily and gagged, but Aro continued on to sit on an ottoman, the stares of the werewolves boring into his back. Jane chose to lean on the wall. And then guess who came in?
Oh yeah. My family.
They were probably bewildered at seeing Seth, Embry, Quil, Jacob, Sam, Aro, Jane, Rosalie and I all in the same room, but if they were, they didn't show it.
"CARLISLE!" yelled Aro, jumping up to hug the doctor.
Esme did not look happy. She looked extremely jealous.
Carlisle tactfully broke off the hug as soon as he could.
"Hello," mumbled the werewolves and Jane, looking down.
And then guess what compounded my perfect day?
A gigantic, lime green book fell through the ceiling, raising massive clouds of dust. Everyone jumped back, coughing. I picked my way though the wreckage and gazed up through the hole in the ceiling.
Oh no. Oh no! Edward's prized collection of CD's had been pillaged, ruined, scattered, by the green book. I composed myself, trying not to let the horror show on my face, and then looked down at the book.
And what a book! It was covered in bright pink hearts, and read, "The Smexiest Gurl in Forks, by Smexy Hawt Eddie Luvr." Whatever that meant. I picked up the book.
"Does anybody know what the hell this is?" I inquired, raising the book high for all to see.
"I do," came Jane's droll voice. "It's called a fanfiction. People write about you and Edward"—glower—"or your whole family. Sometimes they introduce whole new charac—I mean people. Occasionally, these people can be totally perfect. They're called Mary Sues."
It was the longest speech I'd ever heard Jane make. "Oh."
"Well, read it already!" said Embry impatiently, flicking back his long, silky black hair.
"Well…if you really want me to…" I sat cross-legged on the floor and opened the book.
"The Smexiest Gurl in Forks, by Smexy Hawt Eddie Luvr," I read.
"Chapetr 1: Pwnsome Vampireness
"Once upon a time there was a gurl named brianna asteriala who lived in chicago. she was ttly smexy. she had long, wavy, shiny, strawberry blonde hair with gold hilightes, and she had ttly hawt purple and silvert eyes—"
"You can't have purple and 'silvert' eyes," Edward pointed out. "Or strawberry blonde hair with gold highlights. Although Tanya comes pretty close," he added, jokingly. I kicked him lightly.
"she was tall and selnder. she lived all by herself cause sge was ttly responeisble and cuz she was an orfun. one tday she was walkinh back from her boryfriend cole's house—"
"She has a boyfriend? Who would stoop that low?" asked Jane.
"A fellow Mary Sue," suggested Jacob.
"Yeah, a crossdressing one," laughed Emmett, sending everyone into fits of mirth. When the laughter died down, I went on.
"—when a ttly hwat dude with red eyes came up to her and was like, "prepare to die!" Brianna screamed, but it was too lat.e He had bit her.
"aaah help me it heurts!" she yelled. Well, duh," I supplied.
"No," he said meanly, adn walked away.
"and then she was avampire."
Carlisle interrupted. "One, no vampire would walk away from the human they had just turned like that, and two, no one gets changed that fast. No one."
"It's stupid," muttered Quil.
"Like we didn't know that already," chuckled Sam.
she was evn hawter than she had been whern she was a human. her eyes haad gold in them now. and she was tttly hwat and semxy.
then uesing her ttlyy pwnsome vmap skillz she wnet all the way to forks wasing\ton and ended up in a totally lameth forewst.
"Well this frickin sux," she said. wht am i supposed to do now?"
"How about go and kill yourself?" Jasper suggested brightly. We all laughed."oooooooOOOOOO!! cliffie I bet u guyz can't' wait!!!! Omg!!!!1111 read &Reveiw!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:d."
I stopped, horrified. What was this crap? "Um…I think that's the end of the chapter."
"That was horrific," supplied Esme.
"It sure was," agreed Aro. He looked dazed.
"On to the next chapter?" Alice suggested brightly.
"You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me."