The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone missing among the roses. Not even this idea is completely mine. Part of it comes from reading old comics. And then my insane little brain came up with this.
Welcome To Rose Creek Acres
"Why do you think your mother invited us out to dinner?" Lana asked as she parked the car near a nice restaurant.
"Payback," Archer shrugged.
"I'm serious."
"So am I!" Archer told her.
"Archer," Lana let out a breath. "Your mother and Ron are treating us to a nice dinner. Pam is babysitting AJ so we don't have to worry."
"Lana we are going out to dinner with my mother," Archer gave her a look. "Worrying is pretty much mandatory!"
"Maybe she's just trying to be a better mother and grandmother?" Lana asked. "We have been through a lot these past few years. Maybe she realized that it might not be a bad idea to be nicer to us since we're family?"
"And maybe Steven Segal will win an Oscar?" Archer mocked. "But I wouldn't bet even money on that happening! Again."
"Archer…"
"This is some kind of torture payback I know it!" Archer snapped. "She's getting back at us for keeping our relationship from her a secret! It's the only possible explanation!"
"Well maybe she just wants money or something?" Lana asked.
"Don't get my hopes up Lana," Archer groaned. "I just know that woman is planning some horrible emasculating payback. I just know it. The second we walk into that restaurant she is going to grate on us like a block of parmesan cheese over a hot Italian meal!"
Twenty minutes later…
"Isn't this nice?" Mallory said in a pleasant voice as they were all sitting at the table after ordering their meal.
"It is isn't it?" Lana said.
"It's nice," Ron said.
"You know what else is nice?" Archer finished his drink. "This wine."
"Well good thing we got the bottle," Mallory said cheerfully.
"I kind of figured it was a given," Ron sighed.
"It's just nice that the four of us can have a nice dinner," Mallory said in an uncharacteristically pleasant manner. "We don't do this enough do we?"
"I guess not," Lana blinked.
"Wait a minute…" Archer was starting to realize something.
"It's just nice that we're all here together," Mallory smiled. "As a family. Just the four of us. It's just very nice."
"Hang on," Archer frowned. "We've been at this restaurant exactly twenty minutes. And during all that time you haven't called me an idiot, a moron, an asshole, a disappointment, a failure, a man-whore, or an ungrateful child. Oh great, what do you want?"
"It's either a shady illegal mission or it's money," Lana realized something was off.
"Told you they'd figure it out," Ron gave Mallory a look.
"Ron!" Mallory barked.
"Your mother's come up with some cockamamie real estate scheme she wants us all to invest in," Ron explained.
"There it is," Lana sighed.
"Real estate?" Archer was stunned. "Why are you getting into real estate?"
"Because Sterling," Mallory sighed. "Your grand idea of running a detective agency isn't exactly breaking the bank. So we have to look for other ways to make money. And I figured what better, easier way than real estate?"
"Real estate?" Lana blinked. "Seriously?"
"It's all right here," Mallory took out a brochure. "An old friend of mine is letting me in on this deal! And it's a golden opportunity!"
"Rose Creek Acres," Archer looked at it.
"Fourteen acres of prime real estate outside of Los Angeles," Mallory said. "And do you know what's on those fourteen acres?"
"Gold?" Archer guessed. "Silver?"
"Wrong! Roses!" Mallory said proudly. "Beautiful Arabic Damask roses planted there by the previous owners."
"Since when do you care about flowers?" Lana was stunned.
"Not just any flowers," Mallory sniffed. "Arabic Damask roses!"
"And that's a good thing?" Archer was puzzled.
"The land is only twenty grand," Mallory said. "I figure if the four of us each pay five thousand…"
"I'm still not convinced," Ron folded his arms. "Twenty thousand dollars for a bunch of roses?"
"Roses can be used in cosmetics as well as medical treatments," Mallory said. "I'm sure we can find some hippies to buy our flowers to make their all natural makeup products somewhere! Or better yet, find an actress that will use them in her product line!"
Archer began to say something. "Not that bitch Veronica Deane," Mallory cut him off.
"Awww…" Archer pouted.
Lana scoffed in amusement. "HA! But seriously Mallory…Flowers?"
"The roses are just gravy," Mallory waved. "The real money is in the land itself! It could be used for farming or development. Whichever is more profitable! But I have to pay by tomorrow morning!"
"Nooope," Lana said.
"Lana it's only five thousand dollars," Mallory protested. "For an actual share in actual land!"
"Sorry Mallory," Lana said. "But this sounds too much like one of your crazy get rich quick schemes and I don't have enough money to waste on it."
"What do you mean?" Mallory snapped. "What are you spending your money on? Boots for your big feet?"
"Actually it goes to this tiny little person that just happened to come out of my womb one day," Lana gave her a look. "I believe you know her. Her name's Abbiejean. Your granddaughter?"
"This is for AJ," Mallory challenged. "For her future! Sterling I know you still have some of the money you weaseled out of Shapiro after the whole clown incident."
"Some," Archer admitted. "You'd be surprised how fast Kurgerrands go."
"Count me out," Lana said. "I'm not paying."
"I'm with Lana," Ron spoke up. "I'm not convinced. I'd like to see this land first before buying it."
"You can see it right here!" Mallory pointed to the brochure.
"You do know that pretty much anyone can put anything on a brochure right?" Ron asked her.
"It's still land!" Mallory snapped. "Real estate is an investment! An investment in our future!"
"Why don't you ask Cheryl or Cyril for an investment in their future?" Lana asked her.
"Those idiots?" Mallory scoffed. "No one else at our agency deserves this!"
"Interesting choice of words," Lana remarked.
"Sucking money out of our pockets is an honor reserved for family," Ron added.
"Well I'm investing in this," Archer said. "Count me in for five thousand dollars!"
"You're not seriously going in on this are you?" Lana was stunned. "Why?"
"Well for one thing, because you won't," Archer shrugged. "I'm a risk taker Lana! Besides even if the roses aren't going to pan out it's still land."
"It's still insane," Lana gave him a look.
"Well call me Captain Crazy," Archer pulled some gold coins out of his pocket. "Here Mother. These are my last few Krugerrands. I was going to use them to pay for a decent cordwainer and get some new shoes but…"
"Hang on," Lana interrupted. "You actually carry Krugerrands in your pockets?"
"Well I'm not going to put them in some kind of man purse," Archer scoffed. "And if you tip a bartender with one you get great service!"
"You know there's a saying about a fool and his money," Ron gave him a look.
"Is it shut up?" Mallory gave him a look as Archer gave her the money. "Sterling I am very proud of you!"
"I think you're being an idiot," Lana groaned.
"I'm with you Lana," Ron said. "Good thing one of you has some sense! What do we really know about this Bowers guy?"
"Bowers?" Lana asked.
"The guy who's making the offer," Ron said. "Fred Bowers. He's the one who called and sent your mother this brochure."
"Fred Bowers?" Archer did a double take. "Hang on. This is one of Flim-Flam Freddy's schemes?"
"Flim-Flam Freddy?" Ron glared at Mallory. "You're giving money to a guy named Flim-Flam Freddy?"
"I can't believe you're falling for one of Flim-Flam Freddy's schemes again!" Archer shouted. "Oh wait, yes I can! Wow you really can't say no to a drummer can you?"
"Isn't he the one that convinced you to invest in that Ponzi scheme?" Lana realized. "The one you lost all that money on?"
"He lost money too!" Mallory protested.
"Who is Flim-Flam Freddy?" Ron glared at Mallory.
"He's this old boyfriend of Mother's," Archer groaned. "A drummer who will play in literally any band that will give him food or weed. But his real talent is being con artist!"
"Wait, what?" Ron did a double take.
"Uh…" Mallory coughed.
"Every seven to ten years he blows into Mother's life like a bad actor in a soap opera," Archer groaned. "And causes just as much drama!"
"Did you or did you not tell me once…" Lana began. "And I quote. 'If I ever see or hear from that loser Freddy I will personally insert several cacti into every orifice in his body'?"
"What did he do?" Archer folded his arms. "Sleep with you again in order to charm more money out of you?"
"WHAT?" Ron shouted.
"That's kind of his modus operandi," Archer explained.
"I just got the memo, thanks!" Ron said sarcastically.
"I didn't sleep with him this time!" Mallory snapped. "I haven't seen Freddy in years!"
"Oh its Freddy is it?" Ron glared at her.
"He only e-mailed and called me," Mallory told him. "He needs money to start a new band."
"And he turned to you in his hour of need," Ron mocked.
"For crying out loud Ron!" Mallory said. "You have nothing to be jealous about! I've known Freddy for years. Decades even. We're nothing more than friends!"
"That you've slept with," Ron glared at her. "And never even mentioned!"
"Here we go…" Archer took another drink. "Waiter we're gonna need another bottle of wine! Or two…"
"Why can't you be honest for one minute about your past?" Ron shouted.
"Ron there are things about my past that are best left alone!" Mallory shouted back.
"Oh and I'm just supposed to accept that?" Ron shouted. "I've put up with a lot of things from you, Mallory! Your crazy employees, getting shot by the Yakuza…The treason!"
"Those charges were dropped and you know it!" Mallory shouted back.
"And then…then I agree to follow you all the way out to LA," Ron shouted. "To this smog laden nuthouse of a city! I didn't have to do that you know? I could have stayed back in New York with my seven going on eight dealerships! But nooooooooooooo! I had to be a sap and leave New York for you!"
"Well this hasn't exactly turned out to be a fairy tale dream come true for me either Ron!" Mallory shouted. "You think I enjoy uprooting my entire life and coming all the way across the country to start over? At my age?!"
"Seriously we need some wine over here," Archer groaned as he finished the bottle.
"I think you'd go anywhere for a quick buck," Ron told her. "Even New Jersey!"
Mallory made a shocked gasp. "How dare you?"
"How dare me? How about how dare you?" Ron shouted. Now everyone in the restaurant was looking at them. "I've met hookers with fewer men in their pasts!"
"Like the one you used to shack up with?" Mallory snapped.
"I told you all about her!" Ron shouted. "Unlike you who doesn't tell me anything! What? Are there so many men you can't keep track of them all?"
"How can you be so crude?" Mallory shouted.
"How can you be such a tramp?" Ron snapped.
"Still think it's possible to have a nice family dinner with these two?" Archer gave Lana a look.
"Sometimes I can't believe I married you!" Mallory snapped. "I had my pick of all the eligible wealthy attractive men from New York and I settled for you!"
"And who were these men exactly?" Ron shouted back. "I'd like some names and phone numbers. So I can compare notes! Maybe there's a reason they didn't marry you! Which I should have picked up on!"
"It was quieter meeting Ray's family," Archer groaned as the two fought. "And considering the fact that there was a shootout with the cops, that's saying something!"
"Waiter!" Lana shouted. "Where the hell is that wine?"
Two Days Later…
"Let me get this straight," Pam asked Mallory as she drove Krieger's van. "You willingly walked out of your own bedroom to sleep in the guest bedroom? Why didn't you make Ron sleep in the guest bedroom?"
"I was trying to make a point!" Mallory snapped as she rode in the back of the van with Archer. "In hindsight it wasn't one of my best ones but still…"
"Still this place better be worth the five thousand dollars' worth of Krugerrands I gave you," Archer told his mother. "The last thing I need is Lana saying 'I told you so'!"
"She does tend to do that," Krieger nodded. He was in the van as well.
"Oh yeah," Pam agreed. "She's like a bitch with a bone when she gets in one of her I Told You So moods."
"Alright I get why we brought Krieger," Mallory groaned. "It's his van and your piece of crap car simply doesn't work."
"It does work!" Archer snapped. "It just needs some work done on it."
"Yeah like a new engine," Pam quipped. "New brakes. New tires. New steering wheel…"
"But why the hell did we bring Pam?" Mallory snapped, interrupting. "Krieger could have driven us!"
"And miss out on seeing this patch of dirt you think we're not good enough to invest in?" Pam scoffed. "No way! I gotta see this!"
"Not to mention she's the only one in this van who's sober," Krieger added. "I had a few drinks and a few groovy gummies before we left so I'm a little buzzed."
"This just better not be one of your stupid get rich quick schemes that makes us poorer," Archer told his mother.
"I don't know why you're complaining," Mallory grumbled. "I'm the one who's out fifteen thousand dollars of my own savings!"
"Yeah, Ron won't pay fifteen cents for anything Flim-Flam Freddy hocks," Pam snorted. "Not that I blame Ron. I'd be pissed too if I was being tricked into buying something from my lover's old flame."
"Yes and thank you very much for that Sterling!" Mallory glared at her son.
"How was I supposed to know you didn't tell Ron about your past with him?" Archer asked.
"Are you kidding?" Pam laughed. "Like Ms. Archer ever tells Ron anything?"
"Look it doesn't matter now," Mallory let out a breath. "All that matters is making Rose Creek Acres profitable."
"I don't know Ms. Archer," Pam frowned. "You in the rose market? That doesn't sound like you."
"You really think you can make money selling roses?" Archer asked.
"There's a market for them yes," Mallory said. "They're not just for florists anymore. And if you read the brochure you will find that that quaint little farmland grows other crops that can put a pretty penny in our pockets. Like wild poppies."
"Poppies? Why would poppies be…?" Archer did a double take. "Are you kidding me?"
"There's still a market for opium?" Pam was stunned.
"Believe it or not yes," Mallory shrugged. "Besides technically we're not making the drug. Just selling the poppies to another party. And if they decide to turn those poppies into opium…"
"Rose Creek Acres will become the new Afghanistan," Archer groaned.
"You have to admit the shipping costs would be a lot cheaper," Mallory pointed out. "That's how we separate ourselves from the competition!"
"Okay that sounds more like her," Krieger told Pam.
"Mother even for you this plan is insane!" Archer barked.
"It's called diversification!" Mallory barked.
"It's called a felony!" Archer barked.
"Since when did that ever stop you before?" Mallory barked. "Besides we're still going to be selling the roses once we get a buyer. It is farmland after all. All we need is to hire some field hands to tend to the roses, poppies and a lovely little apricot orchard."
"Who cares about stupid apricot trees?" Archer scoffed. "I mean the only thing they're good for is jam and…Oh dear God no! You're not serious are you?"
"What?" Pam asked.
"She is," Krieger did a double take.
"What?" Pam asked. "What's wrong with apricots?"
"It's not the apricots that's the problem," Archer explained. "It's the pits!"
"So are all your mother's other plans," Pam quipped. "Hey-O!"
"No, I mean the apricot pits!" Archer snapped. "They're used to make a drug called Laetrile. Which is illegal!"
"Only in the United States," Mallory waved. "It's perfectly fine in Tijuana."
"What is it some kind of party drug?" Pam asked.
"No, it's an alternative cancer treatment," Mallory explained.
"Very alternative considering it doesn't work!" Krieger told her.
"The jury is still out on that and you know it!" Mallory snapped. "It's not the drug's fault Ralph Moss overhyped it."
"Ms. Archer it doesn't work!" Krieger snapped. "It also contains cyanide! Even I won't experiment with that poison!"
"And that is a very high bar to cross," Archer pointed out.
"This from the idiots who had no problem jumping into cocaine industry!" Mallory groaned.
"True but that drug did work," Pam pointed out.
"Not really," Mallory gave her a look. "You're still alive."
"Mother that's low even for you…" Archer gave her a look. "Besides everyone knows about how ineffective Laetrile is now. Not even idiots would buy it."
"You have a point," Mallory frowned. "We'd better set up a marijuana barn too just to cover the bases."
"So let me get this straight," Archer groaned. "You convinced me to give you five thousand dollars of my money…Which should have gone to decent cordwainer…To fund a drug farm?"
"Only sixty-five percent of it will be a drug farm," Mallory told him. "Seventy tops."
"Mother…" Archer growled.
"Fine!" Mallory groaned. "We'll bulldoze the apricot orchard after the first crop and build a condo on it. Happy?"
"No! If Ray hears about this neither of us will ever live it down," Archer groaned.
"Odds are that already happened," Pam snorted.
"You know Lana tells Ray almost everything," Krieger agreed. "Especially when it involves one of Ms. Archer's schemes that Archer falls for."
"This is not a scheme," Mallory snapped. "This is a real estate venture. I have the deed right here in my purse."
"Are you sure this is the way?" Krieger looked around. "Because all I see is desert."
"According to the GPS it's not that much further," Pam said. She pulled out a Red Beer and took a swig.
"I thought you were sober!" Mallory shouted.
"Sober-ish," Pam shrugged. "What? I've only had two of these!"
"With your body weight that won't affect anything," Mallory groaned. "I've seen you function perfectly with a half dozen tranquilizer darts in your body."
"So you're really going to use the land to grow plants for drugs?" Krieger asked.
"And beauty products," Mallory added.
"People actually buy roses in bulk to make cosmetics?" Archer was still confused.
"Yes, Sterling," Mallory was annoyed. "For the hundredth time they do! All we have to do is find a buyer!"
"I know a guy," Krieger spoke up. "A couple guys actually."
"See?" Mallory said. "There you go!"
"Krieger's friends Mother?" Archer gave her a look.
"Hey, it can't be any worse than the deal she set up with Ramon Limón!" Pam spoke up.
"I didn't want to say anything Mother," Archer said. "But technically what happened in Miami was half your fault!"
"I'm not the idiot who lost the cocaine, brought back counterfeit money and got Pam addicted to cocaine!" Mallory shouted.
"No, but you are the one who set up the deal where we got double crossed in the first place!" Archer barked.
"That does seem to happen to you a lot," Krieger nodded.
"Who asked you?" Mallory snapped.
"And I didn't want to say anything in front of Lana and Ron," Archer went on.
"But you're going to power through," Mallory gave him a look.
"A land deal with Flim-Flam Freddy? Seriously?" Archer barked. "After what he's done to you in the past?"
"Boy she really can't say no to a drummer can't she?" Pam remarked.
"Why do you think I took up the drums?" Krieger asked.
"Ewww!" Archer and Mallory said at the same time.
"Fred has given us some good intel in the past," Mallory reminded him.
"And a lot of bad ones," Archer said. "Remember the Ponzi scheme?"
"He didn't know either!" Mallory snapped. "He lost money too!"
"What about that can't miss opportunity to run a brewery?" Archer asked.
"How was he supposed to know the place was built on a toxic landfill?" Mallory snapped.
"All right Mother," Archer gave her a look. "Two words: Pango Pango."
"I knew you'd bring that up!" Mallory groaned.
"That was a disaster!" Krieger admitted.
"What's Pango Pango?" Pam asked.
"Freddy somehow convinced my mother to invest a hundred grand in this island resort he was building," Archer said. "Spoiler alert, there was no island resort!"
"What was it? A leper colony?" Pam asked.
"Sort of," Archer sighed. "It was a dance club that played disco twenty-four seven. And it turns out someone else owned it!"
"It was next door to a leper colony so…" Krieger added.
"Wow you really got hosed," Pam laughed. "So you're basically this guy's patsy huh?"
"I am not a patsy!" Mallory snapped.
"You know Ms. Archer for someone who claims to be a hot shot super spy," Pam went on. "You really can't see them coming can you?"
"That does seem to be a rampant theme," Krieger admitted.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.
"Hey guys according to the GPS Rose Creek Acres is right…here!" Pam stopped the van.
There was nothing but desert all around them. And across the street was a run-down gas station. "I don't see anything," Archer blinked.
"I see something," Pam said. "I see rocks and dirt and dust and a big ass side of nothing!"
"This can't be the place," Mallory looked around. "There must be some mistake."
"Pam did you drive us to the wrong place?" Archer asked.
"I followed the GPS coordinates Krieger put in," Pam said.
"Krieger did you put the coordinates in wrong?" Archer snapped.
"I'm pretty sure I didn't," Krieger said.
"Pretty sure?" Archer did a double take.
"Mostly sure," Krieger shrugged.
"Oh great!" Mallory grumbled. "We're lost because of your incompetence!"
"There's a gas station right there," Pam pointed across the street. "We can ask someone. Besides the van needs a fuel up anyway!"
"You think they have sushi?" Krieger asked as Pam drove the van over there.
"I wouldn't chance it even if they did," Archer looked at the run down place in disgust.
"Let's just get the gas and ask for directions," Mallory sighed. "This can't be Rose Creek Acres."
Five minutes later…
"Yup," A scruffy looking gas station attendant told them. "This is Rose Creek Acres all right."
"Told you!" Krieger said. "I knew I put in those coordinates right."
"It can't be!" Archer gasped. "Where are all the roses?"
"Roses?" The gas station attendant asked.
"Yeah the roses!" Archer said. "Rose Creek is named for all the roses that grow here right?"
"It's called Rose Creek because back in the pioneer days there was a woman named Rose O'Shannon," The gas station attendant told them. "And she drowned all five of her husbands in that creek."
"That creek?" Pam did a double take at the tiny muddy ditch nearby.
"Well it was a lot bigger back then," The gas station attendant told them. "Before the state built that dam up the road."
"This does not bode well," Mallory groaned.
"She was hanged right over there," The gas station attendant pointed. "Right on the old oak tree."
"There's no tree there," Krieger said.
"Well it burned down in the great Wildfire of 68," The gas station attendant said. "During the drought so…"
"You have got to be kidding me!" Mallory shouted.
"Let me guess," The gas station attendant looked at her. "You paid ten thousand dollars for Rose Creek and you think that deed you got is worth something?"
"Twenty actually," Pam pointed to Mallory and Archer. "Just those two."
"And it's still land…" Mallory began.
"Which is actually owned by the state," The gas station attendant informed them. "Guess Bowers is still running that land fraud scheme huh?"
"LAND FRAUD SCHEME?" Mallory shouted.
"Hey Earl!" The gas station attendant laughed. "Guess what? Ol' Flim-Flam Freddy got another sucker!"
"I knew it!" Archer shouted. "Thanks a lot Mother! FOR NOTHING!"
"I don't f#%^$$^ believe this!" Mallory shouted. "DAMN YOU TO HELL FREDDY!"
"Thank you Mother!" Archer shouted. "I'm out five grand in Krugerrands because of you!"
"SCREW YOUR KRUGERRANDS! I'M OUT FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARRS YOU ASSHOLE!" Mallory shouted.
"Again you really never see these things coming do you?" Krieger remarked.
"Thanks for not letting the rest of us in on this!" Pam laughed as she played with her phone.
"Pam, Krieger!" Archer warned. "Do not tell anyone about this!"
"Too late," Pam grinned as she showed her phone.
"You mean…?" Mallory did a double take. "PAM!"
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"AH HAA HA HA HA HA!" Lana, Cyril, Ray and Cheryl were having laughing fits in the bullpen.
"I knew it!" Lana grinned. "I knew it!"
"And I know you're going to enjoy telling Archer and his mother," Ray laughed. "Which I will actually enjoy watching."
"Me too," Cheryl laughed. "God I love hanging around stupid people!"
"You know sometimes you think life isn't fair. Then the universe just gives you a freebee," Cyril laughed. "And that just makes everything better!"
"Oh I can't wait to tell Archer how wrong he was," Lana grinned. "I am so not going to let him forget this screw up!"
Back at Rose Creek Acres…
"Lana is never going to let me forget this," Archer groaned.
"Forget Lana!" Mallory snapped. "Ron is going to crow like a rooster for weeks! Damn it! I'm going to be in that guest bedroom for longer than I thought!"
"You folks must be the twelfth group of people that bought into Freddy's land scam," The gas station attendant remarked. "Course I never heard of Freddy taking people for twenty grand before. He must really need money after he got paroled."
"Paroled? What was he in for in the first place?" Archer snapped.
"Uh hello?" The gas station attendant pointed around them. "He's been doing this land fraud scheme for years! Got caught in an undercover sting about six years ago."
"That explains why he hasn't called in a while," Pam said. "I guess we might as well head back huh Ms. Archer?"
"First we're going to find some cacti to dig up and bring back with us," Mallory gritted her teeth as they went back to the van. "I'm going to need it when I track down that little freeloading weasel!"