This was written a long time ago (over the winter hiatus, I think), long before any finale speculation, and I had no intention of posting it ever because it's silly and pointless, but now it's surprisingly relevant, and we could all use a laugh, so I decided to put it up... I hope you enjoy!
Callie Torres scanned the tops of heads in the cafeteria, automatically searching the room for her wife's blonde hair. She found it with Teddy, and surprisingly, the pair of Yang and Grey. They were all leaning over, huddled around something that was laying flat on the table. There was a twitter of acknowledgement when Callie joined them, putting her tray down on the table across from Arizona and the group.
"Hey, everybody. What's so interesting over there?" She tore into her bag of chips and pulled one out, crunching on it.
"Yang's offering her expertise on motorcycles," Arizona answered her, looking up from the magazine they were crowded around and smiling in greeting. "Ooh, barbecue!"
Callie obligingly offered the bag of chips to her wife, letting her take a few. "And why is Cristina's expertise necessary?" she asked, frowning in curious confusion.
"The best one to put a sidecar on," her former roommate said, still perusing the catalog. "I think this one is the best bet." She pointed out her selection out on the page. "She's still a little small, but she'd grow into it and in the meantime you could stuff the front of the pod with padding." She tapped her pick again decisively. "This is definitely the one to get."
Intrigued, Callie frowned. "Yang, you're getting a sidecar? What for?"
Her friend scoffed in denial, shaking her head. "Please! Do you know me at all, Torres?"
"I thought so, but -" Another possibility dawned on her and she shifted her gaze to her wife, eyes narrowing. "If someone is under the mistaken impression that our daughter will be riding in or on a motorcycle, I'd like to go ahead and say that that will absolutely not be happening."
Teddy and Arizona exchanged glances and Arizona cleared her throat pointedly, pushing her chair back from the table. "I'd love to stay, but I have to check on some post-ops," she declared cheerfully, standing up and rounding the table to kiss Callie's cheek and steal another pinch of chips from her wife. "Find me later?"
"Yeah," Callie agreed, distracted and not entirely sure that she wasn't being put off. Sensing her mood, Yang wisely faded into the background, pulling Meredith along with her.
"Actually, I have a surgery," Teddy said, hurriedly drinking down the last of her soda. "See you, Torres."
Callie leaned forward to grab the abandoned magazine, spinning it around so that she could read. What she found drew a frown to her face. Surely Arizona wasn't that foolish. She knew how dangerous motorcycles were. And she was married to an Orthopedic specialist, for crying out loud! How many times had she sat at dinner and listened to her rant about a patient's horrible, traumatic injuries - injuries that would have been avoided if they hadn't been on a bike…
And she was just cavalierly shopping for one at lunch?
Oh hell no.
Forgetting her lunch, she left the tray and grabbed the magazine, thinking absently about beating some sense into her wife with it. Toward that end, she rolled it against her thigh into a hollow paper tube.
Arizona was surprised to be shoved unceremoniously into an on-call room, unconsciously shielding herself when Callie swatted at her with what felt like a folder or something. "Hey! Oww! What did I do?" she questioned, catching her wife's wrist before she could land another hit. "Calliope!"
"When exactly were you going to talk to me about this? We're married, Arizona! We're supposed to discuss things before we make big decisions! And you can't do it anyway! I won't let you!"
Arizona just looked more thoroughly confused, shaking her head with a frown. "Exactly what big decision am I making that I didn't talk to you about?" she questioned, Callie's fervor dying gradually as she saw her wife's genuine confusion. "And you won't let me do it?" Being challenged for something she didn't even know that she'd done was frustrating her and there was a tone in her voice when she shot back at her partner.
"You aren't shopping for a motorcycle?" Callie countered, letting the magazine fall open, though it stayed curled somewhat as she shook it at the blonde. The counterattack from Arizona had her determination to lay down the law back in a heartbeat. "Arizona, you have to know how dangerous they are! And I will be dead before I let Sofia on a motorcycle, even with you!"
The blonde's mouth dropped open to protest, but Callie had her steam built back up and she cut her off. "No! You don't get to get yourself killed on some stupid bike!" Arizona was hiding a smile, but Callie's ranting ensured that she didn't even notice.
"You are too important to me and you are too important to our daughter that either one of us are going to risk losing you, Arizona! I won't do it! I can't do it! And I'm totally not above using our baby's completely adorable pouty face to make you listen," Callie warned her.
Amused, Arizona stepped into her wife's space, both hands catching Callie's shoulders. "Do I get to talk at all here, Calliope?" Callie's mouth was left hanging open, obviously conflicted by the dueling desire of making Arizona understand the risks and letting her speak for herself. "Because if I get to talk, I'd tell you that Mark is the one shopping for a midlife crisis." She smirked at Callie's dawning stupefied expression. "Because obviously I'm much too young and hot to be having a midlife crisis," she added smugly, straightening her lab coat and combing fingers through her hair.
"Mark?" Callie asked in disbelief. "Not you?"
"Of course not me, Calliope!" denied the blonde. "I do listen when you tell me about all these terrible injuries people get on those things." She smiled reassuringly. "And no matter how fast they can go, nothing is worth risking getting taken away from you and Sofia," she promised softly.
Brown eyes fell closed as Callie relaxed, releasing a deep breath. The magazine fell to the floor as both of her hands found Arizona's hips. "I'm a jerk," she said, suddenly meek. "And I hit you! I'm so sorry, Arizona!"
"Oh please." Arizona waved off her apology. "I was raised by Marines. Hitting each other with magazines is practically how we said good morning," she said, trying to reassure her. "And I know there are people all over the world that ride motorcycles every day for years and nothing ever happens to them, but they must not have a wife and a daughter that are their whole reason for living," Arizona reasoned. "Because I do and there's nothing more important than getting to come home to you every day."
Callie arched an eyebrow at her. "So Mark's excuse is…?"
"Well, he does have a cute daughter, but he doesn't have a miraculous wife that he adores," she pointed out.
Brown eyes rolled. "You're being all sweet to make me feel bad about the whole freak-out, aren't you?"
"It's possible," Arizona answered her cheekily, dimples popping as she smirked.
"That's fine. I deserve it." Callie let out a deep breath. "I'm really sorry again that I freaked out on you without even letting you talk."
Shrugging, Arizona gave her a smile. "Hey, don't worry about it. It was kind of awesome to hear you lay down the law because you love me so much." She took a step forward to be further in Callie's personal space. "And the fiery, bossy thing?" Callie smirked as she noted her wife's smoky, flirting tone. "Super hot."
"Yeah?"
Arizona leaned in slowly, head already tilting. "Definitely," she breathed, Callie's hands on her hips already steering her back into the closed door. Just before the kiss connected though, she used both hands on Callie's shoulders to hold her at a distance. "And while we're talking about things one of us wouldn't let the other one do - you telling Owen that you would go into a sinkhole?" she questioned, voice suddenly cool.
Drawing her head back, Callie's guilty expression was already in place. "You heard about that?"
"Dr. Hunt was kind enough to inform me that my wife offered to jump into an unstable sinkhole, yes."
Callie took a moment to consider her argument, licking her lips. "Okay, but I didn't," was what she came up with.
Blue eyes rolled. "Because Owen wouldn't let you! But you'll shove me in here and yell at me over something I wasn't even doing? Really, Calliope?" Arizona shot back. "And Mark is the one who wants the motorcycle! Are you going to yell at him?"
"No, of course not," Callie answered, frowning lightly.
"And why not? You'll yell at me, but not at Mark Sloan?"
Callie's expression abruptly transformed into a slow smile and she shook her head. "Mark's not my wife," she reminded her. "He's free to be whatever kind of stupid he wants to be as long as it doesn't risk Sofia." Her voice was becoming lower and she stepped in to press her body against Arizona's, noting her wife's breathing getting shallower at the contact. "Because he doesn't have a family that depends on him like you do," she continued. "You can't imagine what would happen to me and Sof if we lost you."
"Actually, I can, Calliope," Arizona corrected her breathily. "I nearly lost both of you," Callie swallowed thickly, leaning in to nuzzle her nose under Arizona's jaw. "And I will never be ready to feel like that again," she said, hoarse with emotion. "So I won't buy a motorcycle and you won't volunteer to climb into sinkholes," bargained the blonde. "Or any kind of crazy dangerous disaster scene."
"You've got a deal, babe." Unexpectedly, Callie laughed. "I thought a patient was going to stab me the other day," she said, chuckling.
Arizona whined in reaction, fingers tightening in Callie's shirt to drag her closer. "I don't want to hear stuff like that," she grumbled. "How would you feel about becoming a housewife? For my sanity."
"Housewife? Honey…"
"I know, I know!" Arizona agreed. "But I don't like hearing that a patient almost stabbed you! Did you call security? How come I didn't hear about that?"
"He didn't stab me. He got a bit upset and he jerked this woodworking tool out of his bag and I jumped back like a big, scaredy girl," Callie explained, head turning to kiss her neck soothingly. "He was just going for his phone and I overreacted. Nothing happened. We both laughed about it, actually. No reason to call security."
"Fine," Arizona sighed, fingers slipping over the back of her wife's neck and into her hair, holding her head. "But we're married now, Calliope. And we have a daughter. You need to be more careful," she stated pointedly, edge in her tone, practically daring Callie to argue with her.
Another kiss pressed to her neck. "I promise," Callie whispered. "I love you and I'm not going anywhere." She slid both arms around Arizona's waist, feeling the blonde's hands gripping and relaxing in her hair. "Would it make you feel any better to help me remind Mark that he will never be putting our little girl on a motorcycle? I could bring the magazine to make sure he really gets the point."
Arizona's laugh sent a thrill down her spine. "Actually, I think it might."
Fun fact, the title was borrowed from a song (since I, like Grey's, like to borrow titles from songs that I *disclaimer* don't own) called 'Motorcycle Mama' by Sailcat and I found these lyrics interesting -
And maybe in a year or two
We'll have a little one
She'll look just like you
We'll add on a sidecar
Electric guitar
We'll be a trio
The baby makes three, oh
I just thought it was funny given the subject and the fact that I've never listened to the song before today - I just googled motorcycle songs when I started looking for a title...