Super Mario World: The True Story
Author's note: WELL! It looks like all three super Mario Bros. Stories have been covered by us! Looks like we're done, right? WRONG! There's always more Mario for you to enjoy! Lucky you! If you are easily offended, I recommend using some discretion when reading this. This is also a long story, but it is good. I would reccomend reading this if you have enough time, it really is pretty good! (But I guess that is an opinion) Well, here you go!
Part 1: The Madness
"Ha ha!" Mario shouted. He was overjoyed that the third and final "Super Mario bros." was over. Now, he could look forward to his life anew. Or so he thought.
BOOM BOOM POW! came a noise from upstairs. Mario's joy turned to grief as he slowly made his way for the stairs, already expecting something extremely stressful to be on the other side.
Surprisingly, by the time he got up, there was nothing out of the ordinary. He opened the door to his brother's room, sure something would be wrong. To Mario's absolute shock, he saw Luigi typing on his computer in a perfectly clean room.
"Oh." Said Luigi. "Forgive me for the noise, brother. I was trying to cite my six hundred page document while solving my rubix cube, which caused me to lose my temper and dispose of it in a violent manner." Luigi said in a sophisticated tone.
"Luigi?" Mario asked astonishment. "You're not an idiot anymore?"
"Not in the slightest, Mario. You see, in the first few stories, the mentally disabled Luigi was merely an alter ego portrayed by myself for the sake of humor. Now that all three stories are covered, I can act as I would in reality."
"Well, okay. That's good news. I'm gonna hop in the shower, then." said Mario. Luigi smiled and nodded. However as soon as Mario stepped foot in the bathroom you would be able to hear Mario shout "WHAT THE FUCK!" The bathroom was completely destroyed, and all that was left of it was broken pipes.
"Oh yeah..." said Luigi. "I had to take all the pipes to make a really cool stick figure. It's in my closet, if you want to check it out!"
"WHAT! Damn it, Luigi, I thought you weren't retarded anymore!" Luigi started laughing out loud.
"I was just pulling your leg!" He said. "You're funny, Mario." And he skipped towards the living room. But then he fell down the stairs, destroying them on the way down, and if you were an architect, you would know that the stairs are the only thing holding up the second floor. All of a sudden, the whole house collapsed, like it would in an earth quake, and Mario and Luigi emerged from the rubble.
"Hehehehehe! That was fun!" Luigi said.
"That's it!" Mario yelled. "I NEED A VACATION!"
….And so the madness begins...
Mario and the Princess were in a hot air balloon, listening to some tunes by the world famous Rick Astley, who everyone in the whole world adores. They were looking forward to their trip to Las Vegas, to finally escape the pressures of the real world.
"Ahh!" said Mario while taking a deep breath. Well, the balloon was automaticly floating there, when ALL OF A SUDDEN...
...the princess grabbed her picnic basket. Then suddenly, Luigi popped up out of the basket.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they both screamed. "OH MY GOD" They also said. Then they said "WHAT THE FUCK!" Then the balloon turned out of control and crashed into a deserted island. Needless to say, the landed.
The balloon landed on a patch of...
TREES! What did you think I was going to say, pubic hair? I mean, just because I said the word patch, doesn't make me a pervert.
No, I'm kidding. In the game, it's a bunch of trees, but I want to make it funnier, so in the story, it's going to be a bunch of pubes.
Mario sat on a rock, conveniently shaped like a dick so Luigi could laugh at it.
"Why do you do it? Why do you torture the living FUCK out of me!" Mario yelled.
"Like Mommy said, we just gotta stick together!"
"Shut up, I hate that bitch."
"Mom's not a bitch! She gave me five dollars!"
"I told you before and I'll tell you again. That was FAKE MONEY!"
Flash Back to Luigi trying to buy candy
"Hi, lady!" said Luigi to the lady at the candy store. "I have five dollars, and I want to buy some gum!"
"Well," The lady said, "This isn't real money, and that's not our gum. You brought it from home."
"Hehehehehe!" Luigi laughed. "You keep the change!" and he skipped out the door.
Return to the story
Mario was sitting on the rock, strongly considering committing suicide. Mario decided it was worth a try, and took a sharp rock and went behind a tree. Luigi followed him. As Mario prepared to slit his wrist, Luigi yelled "MARIO!" Mario dropped the rock and yelled in Luigi's face "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW!"
"I'm hungry."
Mario punched Luigi in the face and forced him back. And guess what happened when they got back. THE PRINCESS
...was right there. Mario turned around and said "Thank god she didn't get kidnapped!"
"Hey, Mario." said Luigi.
"Hold on, let me think of a way off this island."
"Mario." Luigi said as a claw grabbed the princess.
"Maybe we can build a canoe."
Luigi put his finger over Mario's mouth. Then he stuck it up his nose. After he had Mario's attention, he pointed over so Mario could see that the princess was gone.
Mario's face was pale and he was completely silent. Mario turned over to Luigi, who was surprisingly was also silent and completely pale. It took Mario some time to realize that the reason for this was that Luigi was being strangled by a long, stretchy pink thing that was wrapped around his neck. Then, he saw that a baby green dinosaur was choking Luigi with his tongue.
"Eww!" Mario said and he punted the thing's head off its shoulders. As the creature's bloody top half flew over the patch, the tongue snapped and freed Luigi's airway. The tongue then slingshot the opposite way and hit a yellow floating block. Out of the block, rolled a white egg covered with green dots.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mario said.
"You mean we hatch the egg, hope it's one of those dinosaurs, see if we can domesticate it, and use it to get to the princess faster? Then, maybe come up with a clever name for it based off a noise it makes? Then make it a major character in our franchise, ultimately replacing Toad as the main supporting character, thereby causing disappointment in our Toad fan base, but also causing an up rise in fans of this certain character, and also making this particular part in our series overwhelmingly famous for introducing this new character?"
"FUCK NO!" Mario said, ignoring Luigi's temporary break in character. "We're scrambling that bitch! We can discuss our mission over breakfast."
"Meh, sounds good to me." Said Luigi. "I can make a mean omelet!"
"Yeah, literally." Mario said.
Flashback to Luigi working at an IHOP
"Okaaaaay..." Luigi said as he ran to a family of a mom, dad, and young child. "Two large pancakes and a kids' meal?" He set the food on the table and left. The kid lifted up his silverware with a grin and prepared to eat his junior omelet. All of a sudden, the thing grew a face and started yelling.
"Hey. Hey! HEY!" It said. "What the hell do you think you're doin'? What do ya' think this is, you little bastard!"
"But my dad paid for you." the kid said.
"Oh! Your dad paid for me! That changes Eeeeeverything." it said in a sarcastic tone. "That don't change a thing, you little twerp!" Then, the "Mean Omelet" snorted and spat st the young boy's eye.
Return to the Story
"Wait." Mario said. "If you served the food, wouldn't that mean someone else made it? Explain that to me."
"Oh," Luigi said. "The common cold was going around that week. They didn't want the sick people coming to work, so we were a bit empty handed. I had do double task a few times."
"Did you get paid extra?"
"No! That's the part that sucked the most!" Luigi said.
"Yeah, I would demand more money, they can't just say 'do this for me' and not pay you for it."
Part 2: The Companion
Anyways, Mario and Luigi scrambled the egg the next morning. While they sat back and enjoyed their breakfast, they gathered what they could from Peach's picnic basket. They found a revolver with eight bullets, a few spare bullets, a flare gun with one flare, a feather, a dieing flower, a rotting mushroom, and a blue clear box that looked like it could fit a mushroom or something in it, even though a mushroom could be carried in your pocket just as easily. They also found two AA batteries and a copper wire.
"Okay, Luigi listen up." Mario said. "I came up with a plan since you're a dumbass. We use the batteries to power my GPS, which will show us exactly where Peach is. We can use the eight bullets on Bowser's children, and the extras on Bowser. He's probably using some retarded balloon or something, so it's going to take more than one shot to kill him. Once we find Peach, we'll use the flare to signal a boat and get us off this island. We'll be considered heroes, and everyone will love us. Then, I'll use the mushroom to trip out and hallucinate that I'm in Vegas, because we only had enough time for a one-week vacation, and YOU had to ruin that. The flower will look nice in a pot if we can save it, and I don't know what to do with that other shit yet, but maybe we can find a use for it. What do you say?"
"YOSHI!" came a noise from behind a bush.
"What the hell was that?" Mario asked. Luigi shrugged. All of a sudden a whole bunch of dinosaurs of various colors jumped out from behind the bushes. They all screamed "Yoshi! Yoshi!" and attacked Mario and Luigi and ate their breakfast. Mario panicked and grabbed the pistol, and fired away at viscous beasts. But there was still some left, and Mario was out of ammo.
"Luigi, reload this!" Mario tossed him the gun. There was only one dinosaur left still attacking. Mario was sure he was about to be eaten, when all of a sudden it collapsed in what looked like a bottle rocket attack. Mario looked up to see Luigi holding the gun. The problem was, the gun Luigi had was orange, and the revolver was silver.
"No! Luigi! You just used our only flare!" He yelled. "How are we going to signal for help now?"
"We'll find a way." Luigi said calmly.
"Look! There's a helicopter passing over us now!" Mario started jumping around and shouting, trying to signal the chopper.
"Look, we still got four spare bullets." Luigi said. "I can signal it with this!" Luigi loaded the gun and started shooting at the helicopter. The first two missed. Bang! Bang! The third hit the fuel tank. Bang!
"What the hell?" The pilot yelled as the fuel drained. "Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!" he shouted into his radio. The fourth one hit him in the shoulder. Bang!
"I'm under attack! Nuke the island! I repeat! Nuke the island!"
"I don't believe it!" Mario said. Mario thought that since the helicopter was spinning toward shore, that it was landing.
"You did it! You sonofabitch, I could kiss you right now!" However, as the helicopter got closer, Mario realized that it was spinning out of control! Mario turned to his brother.
"FUCK YOU LUIGI!"
The helicopter was coming right at them, and there was no way human legs could get away on time. Lucky for them, one of the green dinosaurs, the one that Luigi shot with the flare, wasn't dead after all. It got up and started running. Mario had enough time to hop on its back and Luigi grabbed its tail and started getting dragged behind them. They got out right before the explosion engulfed the forest. The three of them ran up a cliff before the dinosaur stopped.
Hey, Mario! I think he likes us!" Luigi said, petting the green dinosaur.
"He doesn't LIKE us," Mario said, "You damaged his brain with the rocket. He'll live the rest of his life as a dumbass like you! That's why I wanted you to just put him out of his misery. JUST LOOK AT HIS GOOFY EYEBALLS!" This was true. The rocket blast to the head did scramble the dinosaur's brain, making him a cross-eyed dumbass who was dependant on someone else for his survival.
"Mario, can we keep him?" Luigi asked.
"No way! You'll take no responsibility for him!"
"Yes I will! I'll clean up after him, I'll pay for his vet bills, I'll even buy food with my own money!"
"Luigi, you don't even know what it eats! You don't even have a job! Get rid of it!"
"I don't wanna!"
"Fine! But we gotta make him useful."
Mario learned to ride the dinosaur, and also learned to control him. If you punch him in the face he would shoot his tongue out to eat enemies. Mario decided to call him Yoshi, despite Luigi's wishes to call him Dingleberry. Luigi didn't know what that word meant at the time. Luigi was too lazy to learn how to use Yoshi, so Mario just tied them together and dragged Luigi along. And so the journey begins. That's right, we're this far along and just getting into the main part of the story! This is going to be a real drag, isn't it? Nah, once it gets going it will go by like that. And by "That" I mean quick.
Part 3: The Actual Journey
Mario and Luigi made their way into Donut Plains.
"Mario!" Luigi wined. "When do we get to see the donuts!" Mario was getting annoyed.
"For the last time!" Mario shouted. "It's just a name! There are no actual donuts!" But Luigi would just not accept that.
"Maybe the donuts grow on the trees!" Luigi started climbing the trees until his head was in the leaves.
"I FOUND ONE!" Luigi yelled. Mario heard some ruckus and then he saw a freshly killed bird with human tooth marks in it fall to the floor. Yoshi ate what was left. Luigi fell out of the tree with a feather in his mouth, but when he hit the ground the feather turned into a yellow piece of cloth. Mario took it.
"Do you know what this is?" Mario said.
"Uhh... Toilet paper?"
"No, dumb shit, this is a cape."
Mario, Luigi and Yoshi found themselves on a tower of pipes. Mario and Luigi had capes tied around their necks. Luigi got his from the feather Peach left.
"You go first." Luigi said cowardly. "I'll be right behind you." Mario jumped off the pipe, and fell straight to the ground. Honestly, did you actually expect a yellow strip of cotton to make you fly? Mario screamed on the top of his lungs and hit the ground in seconds. Both of his wisdom teeth snapped out of his mouth, which was very painful, needless to say. He just sat there in pain.
"Okay! Here I come!" Yelled Luigi. Luigi ran and jumped and actually flew for a few seconds. One problem. The cape was wrapped around his neck. He started choking himself and then totally wiped out and landed directly on top of Mario. Then Yoshi jumped off the pipe and landed straight on top of both of them. Luigi heard sobbing from the bottom of the pile. Was Mario actually crying?
"Mario!" He said. "It's okay!" Then he started singing, "Don't worry. About a thing!. 'Cause EVERY LITTLE THING! Is GONNA BE ALL RIGHT!" Mario punched Luigi from underneath, blocking his horrible voice from the air. He emerged without a trace of tears on his face. Perhaps he was faking it? There was a million different things that Mario could have shouted into Luigi's face that wouldn't have made a difference. Instead, he just hopped on Yoshi and walked away.
Mario and Luigi carried on a mile or so, defeating a castle and doing stuff nobody cared about. They found a cave called "Vanilla Dome" when Mario remembered something.
"The batteries!" He searched his pockets and found something that looked like a gameboy.
"Dude! Can I play?" asked Luigi.
"This isn't a game, you retard! I couldn't get reception earlier but maybe now that we're out of all those trees..." What Mario said didn't make much sense. True, they were out of the trees now, but they were underground. Despite the odds, Mario found reception thanks to luck and the batteries.
"Yes!" Then the screen went blank" NO!" Mario checked the batteries.
"Mama-FUCKING-Mia! Leave it to Peach to pack two USED double A batteries!"
Well, the Mario brothers and their new friend were just shit out of luck. They kept going, using their instincts to find where Peach might be. Mario also wondered how Bowser and his kids came back to life after he killed them a few days ago. You know, you really ought to feel sorry for Mario. It takes a few months for you to beat a Mario game, but for Mario it probably takes place over a few days. Anyway, after three hour of searching, THEY FOUND...
A rock. Yep, three hours and all they found was a flat rock that was roughly in the shape of a star.
"Hang on, I gotta go to the bathroom." Luigi said and went behind the rock. Mario heard Luigi sigh a sigh of relief.
"Whoa-ho-ho! I wish you could see this, Mario!" All of a sudden, the rock started glowing yellow, and without warning, teleported Mario, Luigi and Yoshi to a mysterious star world. There were four other star shaped rocks there.
"Luigi, I think we can get to Bowser's castle from here." Mario said
"How?" Mario pushed Luigi off the cliff and Luigi fell all the way off. Mario used his cape to float him and Yoshi down where he saw Luigi sitting there like nothing happened. They were at the castle. This castle had a really big neon sign that read "Bowser's castle. And I mean the Bowser that's a giant turtle with a mohawk and horns, and also loves to capture the princess because she is blond ans therefore stupid. Also, he is Mario's worst enemy, so don't tell him where this castle is!"
"Maybe Bowser's keeping the princess in here." Mario said in an epic voice. "Let's go" But Yoshi wouldn't go.
"What?" Mario asked. "Come on!" but the dinosaur refused to go. Mario had enough and picked him up and dragged him into the castle. Mario and Luigi ventured through the castle, which was way easier than everything else for some reason. They came to a big red door. This was it. For this big red door led them... to the hallway... that lead them... to another door... which led them outside, to the final battle.
Part 4: The Final Battle
"I better prepare" Mario took out the flower. "Luigi eat this. It will make you shoot fireballs." Luigi actually ate it, and started freaking out. Apparently the flower was planted in genuine manure.
"Ewwww! Why did you lie! That was mean, Mario!" Then something slowly appeared. It was a giant balloon, and Bowser was sitting right in it. It was painted like a clown, but it also had something else on it. It looked like some black spray paint that was trying to draw a dick. Luigi started laughing in a voice that sounded like a fat Greek guy. "AH! HA HA HA HA HA!" Mario punched Luigi in the arm.
"Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?" Mario yelled.
"Now," Bowser said. "Since I've magically resurrected myself, you're REALLY going to pay!" Bowser threw two robots shaped like him from the balloon, and then started bouncing the balloon around trying to crush them. Yeah... orange crush, that's the stuff!
"AHHHHH!" They screamed. "SHIT SHIT SIHT!" Mario threw the robots at Bowser. It didn't work. He threw Yoshi. Didn't work. He threw Luigi. It didn't work. Mario was cornered, nothing to do but get smashed. H reached through his pockets, desperately hoping for something to use. He found the copper wire! Immediately, he knew what to do. This is what happens when you use a sharp wire against a giant balloon with Bowser in it. Mario threw it. It went down Bowser's throat. Bowser started choking. He fell and his spike put a hole in the balloon. Needless to say, his balloon propelled away from the air rapidly being let out. But the princess unbelievably fell out and landed by Mario. They kissed. Luigi looked Yoshi. He leaned forward.
"*Grrr*" Yoshi said. Luigi backed off. Fireworks filled the sky. The four gathered to watch. The last one was shaped like a heart. Tears of joy filled their eyes. Then, something else came down. It wasn't a firework. Everyone's tears stopped except Luigi's.
"Oh... shit!" Mario yelled. It was a missile.
"I know..." Luigi said with a sob. "It's so beautiful!"
Part 5: The Aftermath
Did I mention that Yoshi could fly? Yeah, Mario gave him a blue turtle shell and they flew back home. Also, they brought back several other yoshies before the island was completely uninhabitable. Mario and Peach rode Yoshi home as Luigi dangled from a rope underneath them. Mario was about to say something, but as soon as he opened his mouth, several bugs flew down his throat. Yoshi dropped Mario, Peach and Luigi off in Peach's room before he went to run around the Mushroom Kingdom, creating an unsafe environment for the kids.
"Luigi, get out." Mario said.
"But Mario!-"
"JUST... get out." Mario said. Luigi went to his room. Mario had just finished his fourth greatest adventure of all time, and he even made a new friend along the way. And that friend was Jesus. Without Jesus, Mario would have never survived that fall from the pipe tower. So everybody, I beg of you, find something to believe in if you haven't. Remember, everyone, it's never too late. Stay tuned, for more epic lollage, more slap-happy retardation, and more devastating twists in... Super Mario 64: The True Story.
The End...
Author's Note: A lot of effort went into making this one. It's about five times longer than most of our stories. Also, it took much longer, but we're all still alive here! If you've read to the end, I thank you. Well, if you feel like it, review, I like getting reviews, criticize, express any questions, comments, concerns, whatever. Until next time, stay smart!