Disclaimer: I do not own the characters (Stephenie Meyer's and I reference Harper Lee's Scout. I'm not Harper Lee or Stephenie Meyer.) And I do not own this amazing song- "Dear Darcy" by Joshua James. I could never do what he has done. It makes me want to cry every time I listen to it. And without further adeiu (did I spell that right? Gosh, I'm in French. I should know this

regular print= what's happening in the present to Edward
Italics= Past memories that Edward is having
Bold= the letters from Edward to Bella

Well, Dear Darcy,
How do I even start?
These plain and broken hearts,
How I left you in the cold, dear.

Dear Darcy,
Do you remember when,
White lights & wedding bells,
As we danced across the floor, love?

Don't you fret,
I'll be home soon.
My boss says maybe a couple of days.
Just gotta figure out what we're doin',
And I'll be back in your arms to stay.

Well, Dear Darcy,
How are the children now?
How I miss their sound,
When I come home after work, dear.

Yeah, Dear Darcy,
Don't you worry at all,
I'll be home at Fall,
With tales of love and glory.

They have us on some secret mission,
Across and way passed any lives.
But I'll be home before you know it.
Opening gifts, early at Christmas time.

Well, Dear Darcy,
Supplies are running down,
And I highly doubt
That I'll see your face again, love.

Yeah, Dear Darcy,
Kiss the children for me,
And tell them their daddy
Will be watching them from heaven.

I never thought
That I'd be choosin'
Between your kisses and this gun.
But the president, he seems so determined
To finish what his father never won,
To finish what his father never won,
Yeah, to finish what his father never won.

I looked down at the paper in front of me, my eyes watering as I wrote the letter, remembering how it all happened so horribly.

---------------

"I think I might be shipped out soon," I said in a cool manner, as if discussing what show to watch on TV, at the table. Bella went silent, the spoon she held for one year old Masen stopping mid-flight to his mouth. I continued, "I just think it's a possibility. I mean, my training is done. It's only a matter of time before they sort me into a platoon."

She said nothing, and the kids seems to understand the tension in the room so they didn't talk.

My Scout-like, four year old daughter, Elizabeth, broke the tension some by asking, "Does that mean you'll be leaving for a long time then?"

I kept my eyes on Bella, who was staring at the floor, and then moved them over to Beth to answer her question. "Three to four years, but I'll get to come home on leave a couple of times."

Nessie, our eldest child at five, stayed quiet. She sat next to me andwas staring at the ground, but suddenly looked up at Bella. "I thought you said we should be proud of Daddy?"

Bella was still looking at the ground, not saying anything. "You should be proud of me honey. I'm going to go off and serve our country," I said answer her question, but I looked over at Bella and said; "I'm going to go protect you and our family."

Masen gargled his mouth and reached for the spoon himself, trying to take it from Bella's hand.

She seemed to be shaken from her shock and smiled up at me. Bella has exactly five smiles- a laughing smile, a genuinely happy smile, a special smile for when the kids make her proud, a smile I call my smile, and a fake smile she usually uses for people like Mike and Jessica. This smile was the last smile. But I stayed quiet.

"You're right, Nessie- we have to be proud of your Dad," she said in a breathless voice that was hollow and not her usual caring voice. Nessie and Beth looked at each other but didn't say anything. They were too young to really understand the weight of this situation and the possibilities that I knew were running through Bella's mind.

"Why do you have to leave?" Bella yelled at me exactly two hours after we had put the kids to bed. "Why can't you teach? Or be in computers or something? I know you're good at computers. Or Air Force! You can fly away from a fight in Air Force! And those planes are fast- they can break the sound barrier or whatever it's called," Bella ranted, throwing her hands in the air in some parts to emphasize her point. I sat down in the chair opposite the living room door, leaving her pacing in front of me.

"Bella, you and I both know that won't happen. I've spent years training for the Army, I can't just switch to Air Force- which by the way, can be even more dangerous than the Army," I said, looking up at her and willing her to listen to something.

"Won't they understand? I mean, you have three kids-"

"I have to go Bella. I started this and now I have to finish-"

"You're leaving your kids! How can you just abandon them like this?" She screamed at me. I jumped up, getting in her face and making her look into my eyes.

"Don't you even say that Bella," I told her, my voice dangerous and low after her loud shrill accusation. "You know damn well I have to do this."

She looked me in the eye, not wavering, even though her eyes were watering up. "How can you leave me?" She asked, her voice cracking and very soft.

"I'm not leaving this minute," I told her, I tried to hold her, but when my arms started to wrap around her, she slapped me. I was about to try again when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.

My eyes that were a minute ago hard, immediately turned soft and surprised when I saw Nessie and Beth sitting on both sides of the living room door, trying to hide on the other side of the wall, but their head were still sticking out.

I jumped away from Bella and hurried towards them. "What are you doing out of bed?" I asked them. My voice sounded weak and ashamed. I hated that they caught Bella and I fighting- and I really didn't want them to hear some of the things we had said.

"Are you really leaving us?" Beth asked her voice curious rather than hurt. I smiled at her and shook my head.

"I promise I'll come back," I smiled at her and I heard Bella's sniff from behind me, her hand grasping mine. She knew better than these kids that it was a promise I couldn't make.

The week after the fight was torture. I knew I was leaving Monday the whole time, but I didn't tell anyone. Bella just avoided the subject and the kids knew better.

Monday morning was approaching quickly and by Sunday night I had made a decision; I wouldn't tell them.

Monday morning- the flight. I woke up at 5:30, as per usual, and showered. Bella stayed fast asleep because she had gotten Masen to feed him again last night. She didn't even wake up as I lugged my large military bag out of the closet and walked through out room to the front door. They were going to pick me up in fifteen minutes.

I grabbed the letters I had written and taped them all to the inside of the front door so they'd all see them. I just had to hope and pray that this was the right decision.

I was about to walk out the front door when a sickening thought ran through my head- I might never see them again. The people I help most dear to me. The people I was ready to die for, and there was a chance I would never see them again.

I set my stuff down by the front door and walked quickly to our bedroom. Bella was in the same position as usual- rolled on her stomach, covers resting right on the small of her back, one leg over the covers, and arms under the pillow.

I just stared at her for a minute, committing her beautiful brown hair and soft pale apricot skin to memory. She shifted as I stared at her and blinked her eyes open lazily.

"Hey honey," she said slowly, My Smile on her face. I walked over to her slowly and placed a knee next to her hip and bending over to give her a soft kiss on her shoulder.

"Morning love," I replied. She hummed as I kissed her again, slowly making a trail up her shoulder, her neck, and finally to the corner of her mouth. She turned her head a little more, allowing me access to her lips. I kissed them slowly and softly, as if she would pull away if I woke her up much more with a hard kiss.

She slowly rolled over and wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me down on top of her. I felt the leg that wasn't under the covers wrap around my waist and pull me down to rest between her open legs. I felt myself instantly go hard from the position. She moaned against my mouth, not helping the situation at all.

I tried to pull away but she whimpered and her hips bucked- a trick she learned as a senior in high school that I could never say no to. I started to push against her center, trying to create friction. She shuddered against me and moan a little more loudly.

"Shhh," I whispered to her, kissing her neck softly. "Don't want to wake anybody."

She nodded and sucked on my throat. I just kept pushing against and her when I felt close, I lowered a hand under the thin sheets and under her panties to rub her clit. She halted her movements on my neck and let her head fall back, her eyes rolling back into her head. She moaned as she lifted her head back up to me and bit down lightly on my shoulder.

I was holding back desperately, trying to wait for her. I felt the build up and when I couldn't hold on any longer, I felt her stiffen and shudder against me, her head falling back and eyes rolling back in her head again as I kept rubbing her clit. I let myself go, letting the feeling shudder up my body and then back down to my curled toes.

I collapsed on top of her and felt her panting under me. I saw her eyes were closed so I closed my own eyes and rested my forehead against her shoulder. I lifted my weight a little, but she pulled me back down. I kissed her cheek, only to taste salty tears.

"I love you. You're going to be late. Bye," she said as she pushed me off of her. I kissed her again and heard a beeping noise outside. I groaned in frustration.

"I love you. I promise to write," I told her holding her in my arms for a minute before she pushed me away again after yet another car beep. "I love you so much. I'm coming b-"

"Don't make a promise you can't keep," she replied as she walked into the bathroom, leaving me.

I ran to each kid's room, waking them up to tell them I was leaving and that I loved them. They were all so hard for very different reasons; Nessie seemed to know it was causing stress and knew it wasn't to be taken lightly, Beth was just curious and thought I was taking another training trip it seemed, and Masen might not ever know his dad. We might not ever go to games together, or threaten the boys Nessie and Beth bring home.

I heard the beep for the hundredth time and kissed each of them again, before running out to the big van that was transporting us to the airport

Dear Bella,
I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I left. You don't even know how sorry. I'm so broken hearted on how I did things- just leaving you there by yourself. You don't have to write back. Tell the kids I love them and I wish more than anything to be with you and them, sitting on the couch and watching that God-awful American Idol show you seem to love so much.
I love you more than words can say.
Edward

"We'll probably be going home in a couple of days boys," the commander yelled to us. "We have to figure out the next mission, and then we're out of here!" I heard a couple of holler and men talking with high spirits. But I didn't care to socialize- I ran to where my stuff was and grabbed my pen and some paper.

Bella was a vision in her white wedding dress. As we were called to the dance floor, I couldn't look at where we were walking, but at you. Alice had outdone herself with the lighting and how it made you positively glow.

We danced around the floor, barely moving really, and others joined us but I could only see Bella.

Little did we know that a couple months after the wedding, we'd be expecting our first child. Bella's baby bump made her look even more adorable, but it also made her even grouchier in the mornings.

"Do you have to get up so fucking early?" She growled at me, rolling out of bed with a slight wobble, trying to regain her balance.

"I have to go to school and training, so yes I do have to get up so early," I replied back with a bit more bite than I should have. Bella's face went red and she let out a shallow, low breath.

"I don't get any sleep at night because I can't sleep on my back or my stomach- only my side! And do you know how uncomfortable that is? And on top of that, it kicks me! And it kicks my bladder in the middle of the night! You carry around this, this thing-"

"Don't call her an 'it' or 'thing' again! She's our baby! How can you be such a bitch as to call her an it?!" I let it slip. I immediately wanted to take all the words back. She didn't deserve those hateful things I said. I was a grade-A asshole. She was carrying my baby for Christ's sake!

Her eyes started to water and she pushed past me, running out the bedroom door and towards the kitchen. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I heard the freezer door open and knew she was going for the peanut butter ice cream with a scoop of Peter Pan peanut butter on top.

I walked in after her, slowly rounding the corner. She was facing out the window, the whole container of ice cream in her hands, and I saw most of the contents of what used to be a full peanut butter jar gone.

I walked up behind her and slowly wrapped my arms around her large middle. She had been the biggest at the last parenting class we had been to- that was a very dark day in our household- but I thought she was perfect. I kissed her shoulder softly and rested my head on her shoulder. The smell of the peanut butter started to make me nauseous from how much I'd smelled in the last seven months.

"I'm an asshole," I admitted softly. She didn't do anything. "You're the best woman in the world, carrying my baby and looking good while doing it, too. I mean, most couples right after they get married do it like bunnies, but you have those pregnancy hormones, too," she giggled some to show me the next emotion was coming in just like the last mood swing- fast and like a freight train. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world and I say shit like that. I should have to beg at your feet every night so you will let me sleep in the same bed as you."

She smiled and set the ice cream down next to her on the counter. She turned around in my arms and kissed my lips. "You're forgiven. Almost," she smiled. It was My Smile.

I bent down and kissed her softly but she pulled me harder against her lips. I smiled and she back us back down the hall and back into our bedroom.

Dear Bella,
Do you remember out wedding? How beautiful you looked? Well I think you've only gotten prettier.
Guess what, I have some great news! I'm going to be home soon. The boss hasn't said any dates, but after this next mission, I'm coming home! I don't think I'm ever going to let you go when I get back. I love you! And tell the kids I said hi and that I love them!
Edward

I was getting ready for the mission- it turned out that it took us longer then we all anticipated to get organized. I missed my children the most and I felt I had to write another letter.

"Bella!" I yelled, Beth running towards me with Nessie's toy in her hand and a very upset looking Nessie running behind her.

A chorus of "Daddy!" rang in my ears as Beth reached me first and jumped up, arms in the air. I caught her, of course, but what I didn't expect was Nessie to come flying up right after her. I threw Beth into my left arm and caught Nessie in my other arm. It was good to be home.

"Daddy, Beth stole my toy!" Nessie complained as Beth hid her face in the crook of my neck.

"Ness, honey, maybe you should share your toys," I reasoned with her. Nessie's eyes started to water.

"Yeah, Nessie, why don't you share your toys?" Beth added, picking her head up long enough to stick her tongue out.

"Elizabeth," I warned. "If you keep sticking your tongue out at people, I'm just gonna grab on to it and never let you put it back into your mouth. And you shouldn't be taking Nessie's toys without asking first."

Beth hid her face back in the crook of my neck. Bella came waddling from down the hall that led to the kitchen. She stretched her neck out and I leaned down, giving her a quick kiss with the girls still in my arms.

"How was your day?" I asked as I followed her into the kitchen.

Dear Bella,
So we aren't coming home as soon as we anticipated. But I'm coming home soon! I just miss the kids and how they used to greet me after work everyday. I thought they might miss me, too. Tell them I love them. I love you so much it hurts because I'm not with you.
Edward

They had another mission for us. We got back tired and excited to go home, but get some stupid mission instead. I had to quickly write another letter to Bella to explain why I wasn't coming home for summer.

"Daddy! Mommy!" The kids yelled, jumping onto our bed to get us up. I groaned and rolled over, throwing my arm and a leg around Bella to protect her from the jumping perpetrators.

"We'll be down in a couple of minute guys," I told them, making them stop jumping around. "Go downstairs and sort presents until we make it down."

The showed their excitement by yelling and screaming all the way down the hall, past the kitchen and front door and into the living room.

Bella pushed back against me and I groaned a little, feeling her ass rub up against me.

"Merry Christmas," she purred at me. I kissed her neck, and she slowly turned so she was lying on her back and I pulled down her tank top shoulder, exposing her to me so I could suck on her. She moaned and arched herself to my mouth.

I started rubbing myself against her leg when I heard the kids screaming about how they were done. No better birth control than kids. I groaned and stopped kissing her, pulling her tank top strap back into place.

She smiled and sat up with me. She kissed right under my ear and gruffly said into my ear, "We'll finish this later."

She got up and walked out of the bedroom. I grabbed some jeans and followed her out.

Dear Bella,
I'm sorry. Don't worry, I'm safe but they're sending us on super secret mission. (Tell the kids that- they'll get a kick out of it.) But I'm sure I'll be back around mid-fall. I'll be there for next Christmas for sure. Be home before you know it! Tell the kids I love them and miss them! I love you and you have no idea how happy it makes me just thinking of you.
Edward

I felt my heart drop at my boss's words. It was no secret around camp that we were running low on supplies. Men around me were staying strong, some letting a few tears running, but I felt the flood gates open. We wouldn't make it out of this alive.

"Honey, do you think it's really a good idea?" I asked Bella, stopping her mid-kiss. She pulled back from me, looking offended.

She had been on this crazy work-out and dieting thing so she could get back to weight that she was when we got married. I told her she was gorgeous, but she wouldn't listen. She reached goal last night and went shopping this morning.

Before me now, she was wearing nothing but some black lacy thing that could barely be considered underwear. She had even sent the kids off to stay with her father for the night.

"I mean," I started, kissing her mouth quickly before I did damage control. "I want to do this," I said, waving a hand in between us to signify sex, "but with a condom." I said the last part slowly, her face falling with each word.

"I thought we agreed on four kids. And what better time than now? I'm recovered after Masen and we still have enough time that Masen and a little baby would be really close," she reasoned. I nodded along, not looking her in the eye.

"But what about when I leave? I'm probably going to be leaving in less than nine months. You'd be in labor by yourself with four kids that aren't even old enough to go to full-day school."

I looked at her face only to see her glare. "I want a fourth child," she replied stonily.

"And you will have another baby," I promised her. "Just not right now. Wait till I get back. That'll give you enough time to actually miss having a baby in the house," I joked. She only cracked a small smile that I couldn't categorize between genuinely happy or My Smile.

"Okay. I'd like that," she said, kissing my lips softly.

Dear Bella,
I don't know how to say this but to tell you the facts. We're running low on supplies. There's still a chance that we'll make it back. They're sending a rescue mission as I write this actually. But I also highly doubt I'll ever your face again, love. Tell the kids I miss them. I love you more than you have ever thought possible.
Edward

I felt so devastated after the last letter. I had lied to her. I don't know if I lied for her, or for me. But most of the men have died already from dehydration or starvation. I'm going to write one my letter.

"If I ever die-" I started, but Bella cut me off.

"Don't even think about that!" She said, her voice wavering.

We were both cleaning up after my graduation party. I could be assigned a platoon anytime, but it would most likely take a couple of weeks, if not months. I knew I had to think about these things, even if she didn't want to.

"Love, we have to think about these things."

"Don't talk to me as if I'm two, Edward," she said, shoving some poor, unsuspecting paper plates into a trash bag in a harsh way.

"Then just listen, Bella," I said, my voice pleading. She stopped with her back to me and took a deep breath. She stood still, her back to me, and I continued. "If I die, I don't want you to raise the kids alone. I don't want you to be alone. I want you to find someone. And I've already talked to my parents, they'll watch the kids during the summer. Actually, they want that even if I come back, since they live on the east coast and never see the kids. And I've paid for the house. There should be enough money in the bank account for at least a year and a half, that's not including the four years that I'm going to be gone, which we already have saved up."

She turned around and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "I know all of that Edward," she whispered. I dropped my trash bag and ran to her, wrapping my arms around her and we kissed each other's face like we wouldn't see each other tomorrow.

"I know now I made the wrong choice," I murmured again and again into her hair after our faces parted. She just cried. I don't think she understood what wrong choice I had made.

Dear Bella,
I don't know if you'll get this letter, but I hope you do. Kiss the children for me. Tell them I'll be watching them from heaven.
When I chose this, I never thought I'd have to choose between you or this, but I did and I know now that I picked the wrong thing. I don't know what to say except that I love you. You have no idea how much I love you. I'll see you in heaven one day.
Love,
Edward

AN: I know, I know. I'm a terrible person, blah blah blah. :/ I killed off Edward. Again. Well, if you listen to the song and you feel the emotion you'd kill him off, too. And I edited the whole "The president seems so determined to finish what his father never won" part out. Yeah... didn't want to get too many people upset over that.

Well, anyway... I hope you liked it! Listen to the song! "Dear Darcy" by Joshua James. It's the live version on iTunes and it sounds like a recording! He's that amazing!