Chapter 1

"Ha! Tic Tac Toe, 3 in a row!" Dipper snuffled as he linked the X's across the tic-tac-toe board. He pumped his fist in the air weakly. "Victory is-" His celebration was cut short as he doubled over in a coughing fit.

"Not again," Mabel sighed, glancing around them. The attic floor and both of their beds were littered with crumpled up sheets of paper. It was evidence of their long day spent cooped up, bedridden with a mystery illness.

Dipper pointed the pen at his defeated sister. "Well, maybe if you put as much thought into strategy as you do drawing faces on the O's, you'd win more," he suggested gently.

She gasped in mock astonishment. "You dare question my artistic genius?" Grinning, she doodled a heart-shaped dimple onto the middle "O". "Perfection!"

"Hey dudes!" Soos thrust his head through the doorway. The manchild hefted a large soup pot onto the attic floor. Shimmering silver steam wafted off of the contents. Soos clambered into the room, revealing his pink frilly apron. "Ready for Granny Mabel's Super Soup?"

"Yeah!" Mabel called hoarsely.

"How can it be 'Granny Mabel's' if you're only twelve?"

"Silly Dipper, everyone knows only grannies make the best soup," Mabel sniffled. Soos ladled a large portion of the soup into a bowl and handed it to her. She inspected it closely, sniffing it and rubbing some between her fingers. "Did you remember the extra glitter?" she asked.

Dipper lowered his bowl onto the floor. "I'm not hungry anymore." Waddles tottered up to the bowl and began licking at it.

There was a sudden crash downstairs. "Ow, stupid cataracts!"

Mabel bolted upwards. "Grunkle Stan!"

The old man reached a hand through the doorway, grabbing on to the frame. Soos took hold of his hand and pulled him in. "Mr. Pines, are you okay?" Stan brushed him off. "Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Geez! You knock over an aquarium one time…" He sat down on the edge of Dipper's bed. Ruffling his nephew's hair, he asked, "How ya doing, kid?"

Dipper pushed himself into a sitting position. "Oh, I'm alri-ah-ah-ACHOO!" The force of his sneeze knocked Dipper flat on his back.

"Yeesh," Grunkle Stan said. "That's some flu. You know, the doctor said that there hasn't been a case of Sabertooth Grippe since, like, the Ice Age. What, you been playing around with mammoths or something?"

"Haha, what? Pssht, that's crazy." Dipper reached his hand behind his back and tucked Journal 3 further beneath his pillow. Now he knew for next time: tar pits and crazy sisters with grappling hooks did not mix.

Grunkle Stan pulled out a black, leather bound book. "My ma always used to read to me when I was sick. Who's ready to hear this one? It's called The Princess Bride."

Mabel gasped. "A story about princesses and brides? I'm in!" She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged Mr. Rhino close. Turning her purple-ringed eyes to her Grunkle, the brunette gleamed with anticipation. Soos plopped down on the floor, a bowl of Mabel Soup at the ready.

Dipper glanced warily at the red skull insignia on the book's cover. "So, is this like a book from your childhood or something?"

"Nope. Nabbed it for free at a dark arts shop going out of business a few years ago. But I completely trust One Eye Larry. Even if he did sacrifice a goat to the demon realm."

"Grunkle Stan, maybe we shouldn't-"

But it was too late. As Grunkle Stan opened the book, the pages began turning themselves, faster and faster, and the room was bathed in a golden light. The pages slowed, landing decisively on a certain page. A deep voice, dark and fathomless as eternity,thundered out-

"-Chapter One."