Heiwajima Shizuo never expected to have a friend. He expected that people will be scared of him and view him as a monster. But then, he just thought. There is this person named Kishitani Shinra who is weird enough to even want to spend time with him.
But this person called Shinra, no matter how weird he is, is important to Shizuo. He trusted this person, and most of all. . . This person was the one who started it all . . .
"Shizuo-kun, this is Orihara Izaya. We were classmates during middle school. He's not a good guy; he's more like an asshole, actually."
Shinra was the one who introduced Orihara Izaya to him. He felt an unusual flutter in his chest when he looked at that hair as black as the night sky, those eyes as red as blood. . . He didn't understand what he felt that time. So he was pissed, really pissed. He thought that Izaya was the reason he was pissed. So he voiced it out.
"You piss me off."
He tried to throw a punch at this Orihara Izaya, but his attack was dodged and the next thing he realized, his shirt was already slashed. It was fast, really fast. He didn't know how it happened, but seeing Izaya hold a switchblade in his hand, it just means that he was the one who slashed Shizuo.
And thus, their murderous relationship has begun.
Shizuo was positively convinced that he hates Izaya. He always chases the latter away and stuff. Yes, it was all fine. They fight and bicker. Yes, this is what's right.
Until that day. . .
It was a perfectly normal one. He was walking on the corridors, enjoying the beautiful weather and the fact that he hadn't seen Izaya yet.
And then he heard a familiar voice. The corridors are quiet, and most of the other students are in the courtyard, so it was easy to hear it clearly.
"S-Shinra. . . I. . . I've always . . . liked you."
Shizuo didn't need to look to know who owns that voice. He quickly ran away, not caring where to go. He just ran and ran, thanking whatever God is out there that he isn't bumping into anything or anyone.
And that's when he realized everything. That feeling that he had during their first meeting. . . It wasn't dislike. It wasn't hate. It was a completely different thing. He doesn't hate Orihara Izaya.
It's too late to realize these feelings. What can he do now?
He couldn't say or do anything. He wished he didn't act that way during their first meeting. This was his entire fault. If he didn't do it that way, Izaya wouldn't even need to defend himself. Izaya wouldn't even need to hate him.
Salty tears ran down from his chocolate-brown eyes. Why, why? His chest felt like it is prickling. It hurts a lot. It feels like it wants to go out of his ribcage.
He covered his eyes, trying to stop the tears, even though he knows that he will fail.
Why didn't he realize these feelings sooner? Would he have been able to do something about it then? It doesn't matter if Shinra likes Izaya or not. It was Izaya's feelings that matters.
It's painful, it really is. It's worse than any of the injuries he had before. It's so much worse.
Izaya's little voice echoed in his mind repeatedly.
"S-Shinra. . . I. . . I've always . . . liked you."
He has realized his feelings, but what good will that bring now? He will never be able to voice it out anyway. He tried to stop himself from crying, but it doesn't look like that his tears will stop soon.
It's starting to be really painful to sob, his chest doesn't help either.
The next day was so much worse. He tried ignoring the prickle in his chest when he sees Izaya. . . Or Shinra for that matter. He didn't expect Shinra to return Izaya's feelings. Kadota and some other people he didn't know congratulated the new couple.
Izaya was smiling like he never did before. It wasn't like those cunning smirks he always does. It looked sincere and peaceful. The same goes with Shinra. Obviously, they were happy, and Shizuo isn't in the position to destroy their happiness.
"Ah, yeah. . . I don't really care, but congratulations." Those were the words that he said. He thought that he can rely on his strength to not be affected, but then after 'congratulating' them, he went to a place where he can be alone again and cried.
It really hurts. . . To have no choice but to be 'happy' for them. He cannot tell anyone about these feelings. He has no choice but to keep these to himself. Anyway, he's strong. He can do this by himself.
Right?
So that's what he did. He acted strong and as usual as he could. But the more he tries to do so, the more the sting in his chest increases.
It isn't really pleasant to feel this . . . especially that he doesn't really know when this pain will stop.
Days went by. He continued chasing Izaya like they always did before. It gives him a temporary feeling of satisfaction to think that at least for a short time, Izaya's attention is undivided and directed only to him, but as soon as they were finished, that feeling of happiness converts itself into pain. More pain for him, as if what he has isn't enough already.
If that is the closest he can be with Izaya, then it's fine. He'll be contented. That's all what he needs. Because reality is harsh. He wouldn't be able to change anything even if he wants to.
So he didn't say what he feels. He couldn't say what he feels. He will never get another chance.
"S-Shinra. . . I. . . I've always . . . liked you."
He can still clearly remember those words. It's really painful, but he cannot forget them. It was the day that he was woken to reality.
Izaya's gorgeous crimson irises . . . his stunning smile. . . His elegance and grace. . . Shizuo loves them all, even if they're not for him.
Does that make him strange?
Even if Izaya doesn't know, even if Izaya has no clue about it. . . Shizuo will continue loving him even if he doesn't show it.
It's fine. Shizuo can do it. No matter how painful it is, it's fine. As long as Izaya is happy, it's fine.
Right?