Author's Note: Though I wrote this, I am NOT responsible. I was simply having fun times. I don't claim any of the things I reference and I don't expect a bunch of people to love it, but I did it anyway. A massive crossover parody. Lesse if I can even name all of the things I reference. Matrix, LOTR, Back to the Future, Star Wars, Princess Bride, Ice Age, Emperor's New Groove, Lion King, Smallville, Jak, Mummy, Galaxy Quest, Incredibles, Shrek 2, and quite possibly others. Anyway, I hope it causes some laughter even scornful laughter is ok…
So there's this dude walking along, but it is not just any dude, it happens to be nifty Neo himself, but not as we know him, this Neo is a youngling. The youngling Neo walks along the street to his good ol' friend's house. Now his friend is none other than Doctor Emmitt Brown, and he is working on an uber scientific project. So Neo walks in.
"Hey Doc. Whazzat?" He stares at the contraption eagerly.
"This, my boy, is a time machine!"
"You built a time machine out of a Dolorian?" For that is, of course, exactly what it is.
Doc jist rolls his eyes.
So some pretty nifty things happen to Neo the youngling and he finds himself transported… elsewhere.
The woods have a very quiet, peaceful feel and Neo nearly falls asleep. Suddenly some hecka tall beings appear out of thin air and begin jabbering at Neo in a language he does not understand. He simply stares at them. The beings, Elves, to be sure, cease yammering when they realize Neo does not understand. However, they tried all the languages they know and Neo did not understand even one. That is because Elves have never heard English. It does not exist in Middle-Earth. You see, Tolkien found the Red Book of the Westmarch and had to translate it from Westron into English. But I digress. The Elves cease their yammering and instead seize Neo to bring him before the Council.
Neo comes along simply because he has no other choice. He is placed on the floor in the middle of a very round room surrounded by many odd-looking creatures in funny little chairs. He nervously glances around.
"From these parts you are definitely not." a tiny green one with huge ears states.
Neo says nothing as the rest of the Council nod.
"No precioussss… he is from the nashty lighted places. Oh the yellow eye! It burns ussss, it does, preciousss!" the skinny grey creature begins to writhe in his seat until his neighbor thwaps him with a skillet.
"Send him we will on a quest to…" the one who we know as Yoda is cut off.
"Right then. Where are we going?" Pippin randomly appears next to Neo and nods.
Neo simply stares. He hasn't been able to muster a single word since his transportation.
"You will need some people of intelligence on this mission, quest, thing." Pip glances angrily at the thief of his line, then quickly looks abashed. Lex Luthor, as played by Michael Rosenbaum, appears out of the corner to stand next to Neo and Pip.
"More do we need." Yoda nods slowly, thoughtfully.
"We must call on a person of great humor and strange appearance." Morpheus chimes in.
Kit Fisto strides from the shadows and places a thick greenish hand on Neo's shoulder. He says nothing. One must wonder if he is mute.
"Now one of great bravery in adventure." Plo Koon adds from behind his mask. He beckons and Jak trots to the center. His hair is spiked nicely and his green goatee is trimmed perfectly. Even his precursor armor gleams. Everyone in the room whistles in awe. Jak pretends not to notice.
"Protecting these won't be nearly as hard as defending all of Haven City from the metalheads, or fending off Cyber Errol!" He tilts his head and fondles his blaster. Neo looks on in awe.
Within the next few minutes Neo finds several more persons added to the quest. Obi-Wan Kenobi is among them as are Kronk, Diego and Scrat. Even Trinity shows up with her new sidekick Edna Mode. The adventurers now number in the twenties and still Neo knows not what the quest is about or where it is to go. He decides to wait patiently and stares at Trinity.
"I will enjoy watching you die…Mr. Anderson." Neo jumps. "Hsssskaa, hssssskaa." Behind him stands Darth Vader, helmet and all. Neo tries to hide behind Pippin, but is saved the trouble by another voice.
"You know, Vader, we should have a baddie contest." The young bald-headed billionaire slowly adjusts his trench coat as the room fills with clamor.
"As you wish, my master. Who shall attend said contest? Hsssskaa." Neo watches in wonder as Agent Smith himself appears with Syndrome, Scar, the Merovingian, General Grievous, and the mummy. All face off and nod seriously.
"Who is the best baddie folks?" Syndrome squeaks. He is instantly tossed from the fray. After a few hours of constant analyzing of the clips these baddies appear in, we are left with Lex, Vader, Agent Smith and the mummy. General Grievous is cut out on account of the lack of footage to study. So we have before us two bald guys, a guy in a mask and a guy who talks in a continuous monotone.
"Mr. Skywalker, it seems you have lived two lives. In one of them you were an eager little boy who loved his mummy and wanted to be a Jedi. In the other you are a Dark Lord intent on destroying the remnant of Jedi and ruling the universe. One of these lives has a future; the other was killed off during your years as a Padawan. We might be able to blame Mr. Kenobi for that." Agent Elrond hesitates for a moment. "Can we get some high-priced lawyers on that?" He glances imploringly at Lex. Lex grins cryptically and nods. Soon after this monologue, the mummy is cut from the contenders because he speaks no English. His only merit is his hecka cool looks. So we are down to three. And don't expect this to be solved. The truly complex baddies cannot be weighed. They have an incredible back story or even a history of being goodies. I mean, Lex has gone four seasons as Clark Kent's good buddy, but you know it is inevitable that they will become fierce enemies. I personally root for Lex. Then there is Vader. He was a little boy who showed promise. Granted he was played by a kid who couldn't act worth a holy halibut. Twice. But as a baddie he turns good again. How complex is that? He kills his own master after maliciously following his bidding to harm his own son. The there is Smith. I mean, he is actually the son of the Oracle! Man. Talk about family disputes. Anyway. These three will forever be locked in combat. Moving on with the story.
"By Grapthar's hammer, let us move!" One random and nameless Fellowship member cries out. So off they go, trekking out of the Council Chambers and out of Lorien Wood altogether. Neo is quite confused by this point and simply walks along with the rest in a daze. He soon finds himself being instructed by the cool, silent Jedi, Kit Fisto. He is handed a length of cylindrical metal. Kit nods encouragingly. Neo finds a small button and nervously pushes it.
Zzzzzft! A blinding shaft of orange light springs from one end of the metal and an extreme weight and heat envelopes Neo. He clings to the cylinder with both hands, directing the shaft away from his body. A steady hum fills the air and all the travelers stop to stare in awe.
"I am Inego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." A random Spaniard steps forward from the crowd. "Do you by any chance have six fingers on you right hand?" Neo looks hesitantly at his hand, still grasping the hilt of the lightsaber. "Oh. Ok, never mind. You did not kill my father. You don't need to die." Inego walks back into the crowd.
Kit suddenly advances on Neo, drawing his own green saber. Neo nearly drops his saber, but manages to point it toward Kit. Suddenly an orange blur separates them and stills. A very small orange cat stands between them. He tips his hat back and stares directly at Kit.
"I am Master Puss, in boots. Fear me if you dare. Rrrow." In slow motion he reaches to his belt and draws a saber of his own. The blade hisses out in a flash of violet. "Ah hah!" Puss springs toward Kit's head executing a neat front flip on the way. Kit parries just in time and Puss drops back onto the ground. "The force is strong in this one." He muses. He continues to attack with swift flips and twists, but Kit proves a worthy match and soon Puss is panting on the ground. Kit puts his saber away and bows to his tiny opponent. Then he opens his mouth in more than a wry grin.
"I have a confession. I am not left handed." Kit then turns and leaves Neo with the lighted saber. Suddenly Neo feels a vibration against his hip and nearly jumps out of his skin.
"Neo. Neo can you hear me." Neo glances around.
"Hello?"
"The com link, you fool!" Neo drops the saber and it retracts as it hits the ground. He quickly reaches into his pocket and withdraws the round communicator that he finds there. He looks at it curiously, wondering how it got into his pocket.
"Neo! Neo!" Neo nearly drops it as Doc's angry voice erupts from the speaker.
"Yes darling?" He answers "I do that for you. You push to hard!" His odd words startle him and render the box silent.
"Neo, what have you been up too? You must tell me everything."
Neo gulps and begins "Come in, quickly! No! Not that quickly, you will trip over the mat and decapitate yourself!" He gulps again. "Release him or I'll cut your throat." His audience begins to titter and chuckle now. "My shoulder angel?" He glances around. "Do or do not. There is no try." This brings a peel of laughter from his companions. "The rudder's shot away. Steering won't answer!"
"Great Scot! The Force has you Precious!"