Why have I not submitted this yet? Anyway, his all started on an AIM conversation between me and my friend Cameron. We have this inside joke about how he didn't see the Twilight movie, because our friend Alex was obsessing over it and Cameron said he'd seen and hated it to shut him up. I told Cameron that I would force him to see Twilight and he didn't like the idea very much. xD
Cameron: I DUN WANA WATCH TWILIGHT
Me: I DO
Me: okay we'll comprimise
Me: we can go see New Moon when it comes out lololol
Cameron: AHH
Me: YESSS
Me: THEN YOU WILL BE BORED
Cameron: NOO
Me: /AND/ CONFUSED
Me: CAUSE YOU WONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST ONE
Cameron: OH
Me: unless you want me to tell you o3o
Cameron: OK
Me: YAY
And thus, this comical rendition of Twilight was born. xD Enjoy.
THE TWILIGHT MOVIE
So Bella Swan moves to Forks to live with her father Charlie when her mom gets remarried. Three separate boys have crushes on her, and she makes a few friends. But all and all she hates the place—it's too wet, it's too small, etc.
Then she sees the Cullens, this adopted family who are all extremely handsome/beautiful: Rosalie and Emmett (married), Alice and Jasper (dating), and Edward. Bella thinks Edward is hot. But he hates her and he tries to switch out of the one class they have together just because she's in it
But after being absent for like a week of school, Edward comes back and he's civil to her but still not uber-friendly. They get along okay.
And then in the parking lot of the school Tyler Crowley is about to accidentally hit her with his car. But Edward, even though he was like yards and yards away, manages to get to her side in a second and push the car away from her.
So she goes to the hospital to make sure she's okay, where she meets Edwards's adoptive father CARLISLE CULLEN WHO IS THE MOST AMAZING THING IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. YAY CARLISLE LOVE. (He jumped from great heights, but that's only in the book, not the movie.)
Bella's like, "WTF, Edward? What you did is IMPOSSIBLE."
Edward's like, "Too bad. No one will believe you," and he won't tell her how he's so strong or fast.
Then Bella's all pissed cause he wouldn't tell her, so she goes on a shopping trip with her new friends Jessica and Angela to take her mind off of Edward. They're gonna buy dresses for prom, which she's lied and said she can't go to because none of the guys who asked her are good enough for her. Anyway, then when her friends realize she's not at all into helping them shop, they let her go off to find a bookstore.
She wants to get books on the Quilete legends because a few days ago she had asked her dad's friend's son, Jacob, who happens to be a Quileute Native American at the local reservation called La Push, about the Cullens and why the Quileutes hate them so much.
Jacob said that their legends say the Quiletes were descended from wolves, and the Cullens were these creatures called the "Cold Ones" that wolves hated, so they made a treaty with them: if the Cullens didn't hurt anyone and stayed off La Push land, they could live in Forks.
On the way back from the bookstore Bella almost gets raped by these creepy guys, but Edward's car pulls up and he saves her. So Bella finds her friends and tell them she's okay, but they've already eaten dinner. So Edward takes Bella out to dinner (she orders ravioli but he gets nothing) and offers to drive her home.
Bella keeps pestering Edward about what he is, and he says he can read everyone's mind except hers. And when they're in the car their hands bump and his skin is cold.
Later that night Bella looks up the Cold Ones online and she figures out that Edward is a vampire because all of the strange things about him add up to that.
So she tells him that and they go to a meadow together and lie in the grass after he tells her about his family and shows her how strong and fast he is firsthand. (He throws around trees and runs. No, it's NOT what you're thinking.)
Edward says that Carlisle Cullen was changed into a vampire four hundred years ago and decided to only drink the blood of animals because he hated hurting people. Then he got lonely. So he changed Edward, his wife Esme, and Rosalie to keep him company, who are also "vegetarians" who only eat animal blood.
Rosalie found Emmett in the woods about to be killed by a bear and brought him back to Carlisle to save (because he reminded her of her friend's child, but that comes in book three). And Jasper and Alice randomly found the family and joined (that comes in book three also). Alice can see into the future, Jasper can control the mood of the people around him, and Edward can read minds.
Edward takes Bella home to meet his family and shows her his house. Bella finds out that Edward has been watching her while she sleeps for the past month or so, so now he lies next to her (he doesn't sleep) while she sleeps and they kiss but not too hard cause then he'll want her blood.
Oh, the reason why Edward "hated" her at first was because her blood smells more strongly to him than anyone else's and he really really wants to drink it but he can't because he's a vegetarian. He just needed to get away from the smell.
So Charlie doesn't approve of Edward, but Bella doesn't care, and she goes to play baseball with the Cullens. They have to play during a storm so people mistake the crack of the bat for thunder. Bella referees because she has a huge disadvantage of not being able to run a hundred miles an hour.
Then these random nomads named James (creepy tracker), Laurent (coward), and Victoria (James's creepy redhead girlfriend) come and ask to play, but James realizes Bella is a human and wants to eat her. So Edward won't let James eat Bella and James decides to track her down and eat her then.
Bella makes a big show of leaving Charlie's house so James will see and not go to the house and hurt Charlie. Bella tells Charlie she broke up with Edward because she doesn't want to get attached to Forks and she wants to go home. She, Alice, and Jasper fly to Phoenix, her old home, to hide.
But Alice has this vision of a ballet studio where Bella took lessons when she was little and James is there. That means James has decided some course of action that will lead him to the studio.
Edward is flying in on a plane that afternoon, but Bella gets a phone call from James with her mother screaming in the background. James says he has Renée (her mom) captive and if Bella comes alone and lets him kill her, he'll let Renée free.
So at the airport Bella shakes of Jasper and Alice and goes to the studio. There she finds out he was playing an old video that the dance studio had where Bella and her mom were talking, and her mom was actually not there. James tries to kill her and bites her hand to drink the blood, but Edward appears out of nowhere and knocks him out of the way.
Now Bella has vampire venom in her, so if it's not removed she will become a vampire. Edward, Emmett, and Jasper kill James (I think) because Alice and Esme are elsewhere, Carlisle is a sissy, and Rosalie hates Bella's guts.
Then Bella is like dying. Edward sucks the venom out of her, but he's not sure if he'll be able to stop, and if he doesn't she'll die.
He stops.
And Bella's in the hospital all beat up from James with the excuse that when she ran away from home, Carlisle and Edward appeared to try and convince her to come back, but she fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. Renée says she can move back in with her as soon as possible, but Bella says she doesn't want to because she wants to stay with Edward.
Later Edward kidnaps her and takes her to prom, where she actually has a good time. She asks Edward to turn her into a vampire but he refuses, and then they dance.
THE END
BONUS: NEW MOON SUMMARY.
Edward breaks up with Bella and his family leaves.
Bella is emo for 290-some pages.
She makes friends with werewolves, namely Jacob.
Edward tries to kill himself.
Bella interferes.
Edward comes back and they get back together.
Jacob is pissed.
THE END