Lemony had many things to think about during his trip in the Clusterous Forest. There was work to do, there were answers he still hadn't found, and he worried about many people, including himself. Still, often his mind- against his wishes- went back to green eyes and curved eyebrows, and a smile he knew he would never see again.
He would never be Ellington Feint's friend.
He never intended to lie to her, but how could he possibly have told her that her beloved father and the dangerous villain that caused all of that trouble were the same person? He knew the truth would have hurt her. If she even believed him.
He never intended to break his promise, but everything happened so fast. Everyone was in danger, and no one was going to do anything to stop Hangfire. He had to do it. He didn't regret it. It was for the greater good, to protect Stain'd-by-the-sea and the good people who lived there, and to protect Ellington herself. No matter how many times she had said her father was a kind man, Lemony knew Hangfire would hurt Ellington as well. He'd already done it.
He also knew that Ellington would never forgive him. Even if one day she came to understand why he did it, she still wouldn't forgive him. He tried to tell himself that it didn't matter, that what mattered was that he did the right thing. But it did matter. Maybe not to the world, but it mattered for him.
He liked Ellington. He liked her curved eyebrows and her black clothes, the scent of coffee that lingered on her and the song which name he never learned but that would always remind him of her. He liked talking to her, the way she asked her questions, and even the way she spoke too much when nervous, like he did as well. He didn't like her lies, but he liked how she was willing to do whatever it took for her family, even if her way of doing so was wrong, in his opinion.
But what he liked best in her was how she seemed to understand him. From their first meeting, from when she commented that they both had had unusual educations, he knew he wanted to be her friend.
Friend.
Lemony wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he never had a friend. He had many associates, people who fought for the same goals and were a part of the same organization, but it was not the same thing. He had his brother and his sister, who were also his associates: as time passed they felt less like family and more like… just associates.
He could feel the business cards in his pocket. Moxie wanted to be his friend. The others too, maybe. But he wouldn't know how to be their friend. They grew up in normal homes, despite the unfortunate events that broke their families. They couldn't understand the burden he carried. They couldn't understand the dangers of being friends with someone like him. It would be unfair to impose it on them.
But Ellington could understand it. In her own way. And he liked to think he could understand her a little better than the others.
Feeling the weight of the Bombinating Beast in his hand and of the secrets he knew, Lemony Snicket made his way. He would never be Ellington Feint's friend. He would maybe never be anyone's friend. But it didn't matter now. He had a work to do.