A/N: If you think you recognize these stories, there is every possibility that you're not imagining things. They were written years ago, and posted on my LJ. I found them again and kinda still liked them, so I did some editing. All of them features Jess in one way or other, and here is the first one.

Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls is not mine. Not now, not ever.

Ocean Feeling

Summary: It was a completely unrealistic feeling, but it was comforting none the less. Jess in California, after the end of season 3.

He walked slowly down the boardwalk, his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans and his eyes cast down on the ground before him, ignoring everyone and everything around him. The sun coloring the sky over the houses to his left a bright red, but he didn't really pay any attention to it. He was too lost in thought. He came to the now familiar crack in the pavement and stopped for a brief second before looking up and changing his course, walking out in the sand, down to the water.

He stopped again a few feet above the water line, observing the still dark ocean. It was calm today, no surf waves welling in towards the shore, no floods of water spraying up over the sand. He stood there for a moment before he seemingly woke to life and hurriedly removed his shoes and socks. He placed them down on the sand and walked down the last steps to the water, letting his feet sink down in the wet sand with the water softly washing over them.

He stopped right at the edge of the water, standing still and looking out over the wide space in front of him, his hands once again stuffed deeply in his pockets. The sun was slowly rising behind his back and for every second the world around him became a little bit brighter and more defined. The colors started to appear more clearly, the ocean shifting from a dark blue, almost black, to a deep azure color. He took in the scenery, watching the now well-known changes and felt the usual sense of calm settle over him.

He was coming here more and more often as the days turned into weeks and eventually months. At first he didn't know why he kept coming back after that first time, didn't want to make the connection. He had never believed in things like soul mates or been one for romantic gestures, always considering it to be ridiculous nonsense. But eventually he had admitted it to himself. He came here because it reminded him of her; in some strange way the vast space in front of him made him feel connected to her. It was an unrealistic feeling, didn't make any sense at all, he was the first to admit as much, but it was comforting none the less.

Lately he had been here almost every morning, walked here early and spent what time he had before going back to change for work. It helped him relax, helped him achieve the calm he needed when dealing with the more often than not grating customers.

He worked in a book store not far from the beach, had been for about three weeks now. Truth be told, it wasn't that bad. It could definitely have been worse. But even though he enjoyed the surroundings, the smell and even sometimes got along just fine with the other employees, the amount of completely senseless customers always left him exhausted and with an even more waning hope for the human race.

But he got cheap books and it was a lot better than working for Jimmy. That had been an interesting experience to put it mildly, filled with a lot of time spent staring in disbelief or rolling his eyes. It hadn't taken them long to realize that spending almost their entire days together was not such a great idea, more often than not leading to heated arguments over the most ridiculous thing. He at least drew a breath of relief when it was over, and he was sure Jimmy had done the same thing.

These mornings also gave him the energy he needed to, after a long day in the store, make it through his night classes, make the tedious hours slightly less unbearable. It wasn't that he hated learning, or school in general for that matter. At one point he'd actually enjoyed it, but as the years went on, that feeling had faded. He just didn't see a point in learning the things they wanted him to learn. Most of it he already knew, and the rest he wondered if he'd ever have any use for.

But every time he thought about quitting he saw her face in front of him and it made him go on. He knew she would probably never even know he was doing it, but it was still a big part of his motivation, however foolish that made him. And the mornings in her imagined presence helped him recharge his energy reserve.

He had almost begun to understand his father's fascination with the beach, though he had a completely different reason for his attraction. It was still something they had in common, something more than a last name, their shared tendency to screw things up and similar tastes in books and music. He was sure there were other things, but this one seemed most important somehow. Maybe because it had become such a big part of both their lives.

These morning ventures down to the beach had started after his silent phone calls and her painful admissions. He had been searching for an outlet for his regret, pain and anger at his own stupidity, a less destructive one than going out and getting drunk, which was something he had promised himself a long time ago that he would never do. Not after growing up the way he did, with Liz strung out more often than not for long periods of time.

It had been a coincidence that he ended up on the beach that first time and he couldn't quite remember how it happened anymore. But ever since that first day it had been a reoccurring event and eventually his anger had subsided and the pain had dulled down to something that was at least manageable.

The regret was still with him all the time, nagging at his mind and sometimes blowing out in full force, igniting the pain once again. But it was getting better and he had almost convinced himself that it was all for the best.

There were still times when he couldn't think of anything else than getting on a bus and once again make the trip across the country. But every time the feeling came over him he went down to his spot and breathed in the sea air, filling his mind with the calm he needed to resist.

He had caused her enough pain already and he loved her too much to add to it. It had taken him some time to admit the depth of his own feelings, the realization only adding to the pain of knowing how badly he had screwed up. Standing here he imagined that maybe, some day, he could find a way to make it up to her. He hoped so at least because the thought of her hating him forever was utterly too painful to bear. But in the meantime he kept coming down here, contenting himself with his blue world and the artificial sense of comfort it offered him, the closeness he felt to her.

In the beginning people had looked strangely at him where he stood, completely still just at the edge of the water. But as time passed they got used to him and now they probably saw him as a part of the scenery. He supposed a lot of them thought him at least slightly crazy, but he couldn't be bothered to care. He was used to ignoring other peoples opinion of him by now, had nineteen years of practice. And besides, he rarely noticed any other people while down here anyway. Nothing existed but him and the blue world around him.

He looked out over the water with wide eyes and let the sea air spread around him. It was still early. The sun was still low on the sky behind his back even though he had been standing here for almost two hours now. He couldn't sleep again, just like back in New York. The only time he had been able to sleep for real had been the not quite two years spent in a little town in the middle of nowhere.

But it didn't matter right now, nothing did. Nothing but the bright blue in front of him.

It was almost blinding, almost too much, but he couldn't look away. Everything he saw was bright blue, the sky above him and the ocean in front of his feet. The only disruption was the white foam lining the larger of the waves, but that only served to intensify the overall impression of a blue world.

It had taken some time, but he had eventually found the perfect spot. It was a narrow patch of sand that reached out into the water and surrounded as it was by water on two sides it increased the illusion of a world made up solely of the sky and the ocean.

He unconsciously counted the waves, looking for those seventh waves that he knew would be bigger, would reach him and wash over his feet. He could see them form on their way in, grow larger as they reached shallower waters, sucking the water right in front of him further out before finally roll in to disrupt the draining sand.

A new wave came rolling towards him and soaked his bare feet, joining the others that had made the hems of his jeans dripping wet. The water tickled his skin as it flowed around his feet, joined by small grains of sand.

A few weeks after he arrived he had finally given in and stopped wearing his leather jacket, but he wouldn't relent as much as to start wearing shorts. It just wasn't him. But he had learned to appreciate the feeling of warm sand under his bare feet, mixed with the cool water. It was strange at first, and he had to think for a long time before he could remember the last time he had been walking outside barefoot, but now he always regretted it when he had to pull his shoes back on.

He wouldn't go as far as to walk barefoot anywhere but on the beech though, and therefore he always found himself walking back in shoes that got increasingly wet with every step, soaking up the water from the drenched hems of his pants. He simply refused to wear sandals, even though he could see their usefulness, but had found a cheap pair of converse at a stand on the Boardwalk and he used them for these trips. They were well worn before and now they fit his feet perfectly after being drenched so many times.

Another wave came in, this one larger than the others, reaching almost half a foot up his legs and he sucked in a deep breath at the unexpected sensation. The blue in front of him filled his view even more, giving him a sense of being swallowed by it.

As he stood there a feeling of belonging came over him, the blue all around engulfing him. It was almost as if he had drowned in her eyes and as long as he didn't move, didn't think, he could pretend it was real.

And he knew this would be a day he spent every possible minute writing in his notebook, writing about all the things he wanted to but never could find the words to say out loud.