WARNING: this is my first spoof, so I would appreciate feedback to whether it's funny or not, please and thank you
Ok, if you know who Parry Gripp is, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, I suggest you Google him. He's a songwriter who writes, like, a song a week. I admit, I like some of them, but they get sooooo stuck in my head! Anyway, if you're reading this Parry, which I doubt you ever will, I'm sorry for making it sound like you're songs are bad, but to most adults—like my parents—you're songs are the most annoying things since Glen Beck. I hope you enjoy the torture
Parry Gripp Torture
Neo flew through the hallways of an abandoned building, dodging bullets of the agents flying in helicopters outside. He had already gotten rid of three other agents, his objective: to distract them while Morpheus and Trinity freed another red pill, this one by the name of Volt. Link told him they were out, so Neo headed towards the nearest phone.
He crashed through the door and briskly walked towards the phone. His hand brushed against the computer mouse that was right next to the phone and the computer flashed on, a Parry Gripp's channel from YouTube on the monitor. A song automatically started:
This is the best burrito I've ever eaten
Yum, yum, yum
This is the best burrito I've ever eaten
Yum, yum, yum
Neo curiously eyed the computer. This was the most ridiculous song he'd ever heard. The phone rang. The song commenced:
With plenty of beans,
And plenty of cheese,
And plenty of rice,
Oh isn't it nice?
Before he picked up the phone, he thought he'd amuse himself. With a swift hand motion, he threw the computer across the room. The song stopped with the hissing of dead computer hardware. Neo smiled.
His eyes opened and he was on the Neb. Link un-jacked him.
"Why'd you smash a computer?" he asked.
Neo didn't hesitate to answer. "It was playing this terrible song, it sounded like a chipmunk voice and it was singing about the best burrito it'd ever eaten."
Link almost broke out laughing. "Wow, that's…random."
"What's random?" Trinity asked, coming from behind.
"Nothing." Neo said, getting up to greet her. "Just this stupid song I heard in the Matrix."
"Oh, it doesn't happen to go, 'Yesterday was Thursday, Today it is Friday'—"
"NO!" Both Neo and Link protested. Trinity laughed at them—they all hated that song.
Neo punched her arm lightly. "You tease! You know that song gets stuck in my head!"
"It's my job to tease you, looks like my work here is done."
The next day:
Neo was yet again dodging agents, although this time in a rescue mission. The Hammer had sent a distress call; they were cornered by agents in their attempt to rescue a red pill. Luckily, Neo and Trinity were able to get there—fly there—just in time.
They were in an alley, and Neo fought off the agents while the crew of the Hammer got away with their potential, Zandra. Trinity went with them, serving as backup in case any other agents tried to stop them. When she got back, Neo was done fighting, but was standing with his hand rubbing the back of his head.
"What's wrong?" Trinity asked.
Neo shrugged. "An agent hit me pretty hard. I'll live."
Link directed them to the nearest phone line, which was located four stories above them.
"Well, we could take the stairs, or…" Neo said, looking at Trinity.
"Very funny." Trinity humored him as he held out his arms. She put her arms around him and they lifted into the air.
They entered through a window, and Neo noticed that the phone was yet again next to a computer, the monitor blank.
"Don't touch the mouse. Whatever you do." Neo warned Trinity.
She sensed the ridiculousness of this request and wondered out loud. "Why not?" Her tone threatening that she would do otherwise.
Neo warned her again, more specifically. "That's how that weird song about the burrito came on."
"The burrito song, huh?" Trinity teased. It can't be that bad. Her hand inched towards the mouse. Neo's head tilted in serious warning, but she couldn't resist rebelling against him. Her hand touched the mouse and the monitor lit up. YouTube was again displayed and a new song met their ears:
Space Unicorn
Soaring through the stars
Delivering the rainbows
All around the world
Trinity looked up at Neo, her blank expression that only he could read saying, "get rid of that fucking computer." He felt the same way.
He did just what he had done last time, computer smashing against the wall opposite of them. They both exhaled as they heard the phone ring. Neo picked it up and handed it to Trinity.
He opened his eyes, Trinity hovering over him. Her eyes were curious. He knew what she was thinking.
"Another computer?" Link said as he un-jacked Neo. "Was it another song?"
Both Neo and Trinity answered simultaneously. "Space Unicorns."
Link took a deep breath and sighed. "I don't want to know."
That night:
Morpheus was watching the Matrix feed when he noticed the mess hall light turn on in the distance. He figured someone was just getting a drink of water, but the light remained on for another half hour. Morpheus got up to investigate.
He found Neo with his head resting on his folded arms, his toe tapping a beat. Morpheus didn't understand.
"Neo?" He said.
Neo jumped at his name being said, but calmed quickly. "Hey Morpheus."
"I know you haven't been getting much sleep lately, but you usually stay in bed, and…why are you tapping you're foot?"
"Trin kicked me out. I can't stop singing this stupid song stuck in my head! I can't even remember ever hearing it in my life, and now it's stuck there!"
Morpheus was feeling a mixture of astonishment—because of the fact that Trinity actually kicked him out of their room all because of a song—and confusion—because songs never disturbed Neo like this before. Morpheus hesitated, he didn't really know how to try and fix this problem.
"Well, maybe if you sing it through, it'll get out of your head."
"That's just the problem!" Neo said, pointing at Morpheus. "It's too short of a song to sing it through! There's no progression, no bridge, just continuous, continuous choruses!"
Then Neo started mumbling the lyrics:
Do you like waffles?
Yeah we like waffles
Do you like pancakes?
Yeah we like pancakes
Do you like French toast?
Yeah we like French toast
Do, do, do ,do
Can't wait to get a mouth full
Morpheus could only make out "waffles" and "pancakes" from Neo's frustrated mumbling. Suddenly, Morpheus had a plan.
"Neo, you're going into the Matrix."
A few minutes later:
"You know," Neo said on the phone, "the songs might still be stuck in my head after this."
"Yes, but at least we can stop others from suffering your fate." Morpheus answered, acting as his Operator. "And, you can vent out all of your frustration on deleting all the Parry Gripp songs from existence."
Neo smiled at this. "Let's do this."
He entered a local library where the computer lab was free and always open. He logged on and started hacking into the internet's data base. Within seconds, he was in reach of deleting Parry Grip from YouTube, but it didn't stop there. There was iTunes and Facebook that he had to crack next, but it would only take minutes to do so.
Suddenly, a terrible pain stung him from the back of his head, where the agent had hit him earlier. He could feel code being uploaded into his brain, song code. In seconds, he was overloaded with all of the Parry Gripp songs ever created; he was hearing more than 100 songs being played at once.
Morpheus noticed this, but had no idea how to stop it. He yelled for Link, knowing he would know what to do.
Neo held his head in his hands in utter pain, both mentally and physically. The people around him slowly turned to look at him one by one. He was pounding on the desk and crying out tortuous moans. An old woman left, as well as young man. There was a little boy and girl who stayed, wondering if he was having a heart attack.
"Fuck you Parry Gripp! Go to hell!" he shouted, not noticing the kids behind him. The kids decided it wasn't a heart attack. He must have been constipated.
Link came rushing in, wondering why Morpheus was yelling for him. Trinity came, too, wondering the same thing. Morpheus explained.
Link took over and started typing in cancellation and combating codes to ward off the signal Neo was receiving.
Trinity had to ask. "Why is Neo in the Matrix anyway?"
Morpheus hesitated, but couldn't avoid Trinity's glaring eyes. When it came to Neo, he couldn't just act as a captain and tell her to forget about it. "He was going to hack into the internet and erase all Parry Gripp songs from the Matrix."
"Oh really?"
"Guys, I found something weird. Neo was chipped! Probably by an agent, that's how he'd getting all those messed up signals."
"Can you get rid of it?" Morpheus asked.
"…" Link squinted at his work. "Yes."
He typed in some more code furiously fast, racing the other code signals as it tried to combat them. Finally, Link won, and Neo was relieved.
Neo looked at the monitor and saw that his deletion was complete on all levels. He heard the phone ring a room away and knew it was for him.
In the darkness of an unknown evil layer, an Agent by the name of Smith was laughing as his computer monitor that showed that all Parry Gripp songs had been deleted from existence. He kept laughing even when he pulled up a sound mixing program. He took out some sheets of paper and began singing into a microphone.
"Justin Beiber and spaghetti cat
Flying in helium balloon…"
Alright people, I hope I made you laugh