Hello!! This is my first ever random fic. It has no purpose whatsoever, other than to entertain you, the reader!!
Pairings: 1x2 and 3x4-ish, uh... 5xtissues?
Warnings: mild-violence, language, voyeurism?, blah blah blah...
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing is not mine forlorn sigh, but this story is! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it... Muahah, enjoy!
Strawberry WHAT!? By: Black Amethyst
"Dammit, Duo! I'm tired of your bullshit!" Heero screamed as he rounded on his said companion and delivered a blow that could have knocked down an ox.
"A-a-a-aaahh!" Duo shrieked as he stumbled back and landed flat on his gluteus maximus. "Ow! My butt!"
The other G-boys in the room looked on with wide eyes. Duo's whines had been the cause of yet a new assault from the Japanese pilot. Duo saw this coming, yelped, clenched his hand to his bleeding face, and sprung up with the following threat.
"Heero, if you get any closer, I swear--"
"You won't do shit," Heero said. He had gotten five feet from the violet-eyed maniac when Duo screamed "RAPE!" and jumped over the coffee table. The couch got similar treatment as the other three pilots scrambled out of Duo's way. Duo ran out of the room, barely avoiding knocking Quatre's eye out with his flailing braid.
Trowa and Wufei facevaulted. Huge glob-like sweatdrops began pooling off of Quatre's face and making rather large puddles on the floor.
Suddenly, Wufei rose to his feet and let out a booming whoop.
"Yeah!" he screamed. "Finally, Maxwell will receive justice!"
A katana appeared in his hand from nowhere as he charged out the door. Trowa fell over as Heero grunted and ran after Wufei.
About two seconds later there was a sickening crunch and a muttered curse. Quatre rushed out to make sure that nobody had gotten killed. The sight of a bloody-faced Wufei met his eyes.
He started forward to drag him back into the safehouse when a piercing shriek shattered the air.
Suddenly, Trowa was at Quatre's side racing with him to the outer limits of the safe house's yard to try to prevent Duo's inevitable gory demise. Another scream filled the air as the two pilots came into sight.
Heero had twisted Duo's arm behind his back and Duo was trying desperately to get away.
"Ow! Jeeze-us!" Duo yelped. "Do ya gotta be so frikken violent?!"
Trowa sighed and rolled his eyes. He turned tail and walked away. Quatre, being the curious little bugger that he is, stayed.
"Say it, Maxwell!"
"Uh-uh! No fucking way in Hell, Yuy!"
"Maxwell, I'm warning you..."
"Eep!" Duo cried out as Heero gave his arm a violent twist.
"Where the hell are they?" Heero demanded.
Duo huffed dramatically and made a large show of blowing the bangs out of his eyes.
"I'll tell ya," he muttered. "If you promise to share!"
Heero remained silent and Duo threw him an inquiring look over his shoulder.
"Fine."
A grin broke out over Duo's still bloody face.
"They're between the mattress and box spring of my bed. WILL YOU LET GO NOW?!"
Heero pushed Duo to the ground and ran back to the safehouse. By this time, Quatre had created a mini-Nile with the flood of pesky sweatdrops pouring off of him and Trowa was now happily munching on a Snickerstm bar.
Wufei pushed himself up with a grunt.
"Kisama," he muttered as he realized his face was crusted with blood.
"Yuy, you man-smut!" he roared(1). "Injustice! May the wrath of Nataku befall you!"
Wufei was just about to pull out his magically-appearing-from-nowhere-to-smite-insane-violet-eyed-pilots-but-now-would-be-used-for-Japanese-pilots-katana when he has majestically glomped by said insane pilot.
"Wuffers!" he yelled as Wufei shouted rage and tumbled to the ground. Duo's usual slaughtering of his name made the already pulsating vein in Wuffer-erm, WuFEI's forehead nearly burst.
"You seen Hee-kun anywhere?" he asked as though he'd just walked up to a stranger and asked for the time.
Wufei stared. "No," he deadpanned.
Duo shrugged and bounced on into the safehouse.
"Injustice," Wufei muttered.
Meanwhile, Quatre and Trowa had somehow or another managed to eat all of Duo's ice cream supply. They were busy trying to hide the evidence when the self proclaimed Shinigami walked in to the kitchen.
Duo's jaw hit the floor.
"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GUYS DONE?!" he roared. His face turned a very bright shade of red and his breathing came in quick, sharp breaths. He looked every bit pissed off.
Quatre looked like he had just been caught doing something naughty (very naughty indeed (2)).
"Uh, Duo," Quatre began slowly. "Just calm down! Trowa and I were just hungry. We'll buy you some more, I promise!"
"Rawr!" Duo growled. "That was limited addition Power Puff Girls ice cream!! They don't even make it anymore!!" Duo began to advance on the other two pilots. "Not only was it limited addition!! It was my absolute favorite!! And you two... ATE it!!! I swear you two are going to--"
"Maxwell," a brunette head popped into the doorway of the kitchen. "Have you forgotten about what we promised to share tonight?"
Duo's face suddenly went from pissed off to looking as though he'd never been happier.
"Oi," Duo said to the two pilots before him. "You better be glad Hee-baby's here to help me relieve some stress. Otherwise--" Duo made an obscene gesture with his hand. He turned to walk with Heero up to his room and received a slap on the ass.
Quatre and Trowa's eyes popped out of their skulls in traditional cartoon-like fashion.
"I didn't just see what I thought I saw, did I?" Quatre asked.
Trowa grunted. "You heard it, too."
Quatre shook his head to try to clear the still sharp image of Heero's hand on Duo's butt, but just couldn't shake it. "Well, come on," he said to Trowa. "Lets get this cleaned up before the two of them get finished with whatever they're doing."
After Wufei had scrubbed the blood off of his face, he had decided to go upstairs to try and meditate to relieve the murderous intentions in his mind. Walking sluggishly up the stairs, he heard a long moan escape from the vicinity of Heero's room.
He stopped suddenly and listened. Another moan and a sigh escaped. He edged a little closer to make sure he wasn't imagining things. Wufei heard an unmistakable voice float through the door.
"Mm, Heero," Duo's voice whispered softly. "Sugoi!! More, Heero, more!"
Wufei's nose burst in a torrent of blood. He rushed to the bathroom to try and dam up his nose with his favorite tissue, only to find that there was none left. He searched his mind frantically.
Where the hell did I put that tissue??! Wufei thought to himself. Ah! The kitchen!
Wufei ran down the hallway and bounded down the stairs as though the hounds of hell were at his heels. When he arrived in the kitchen, he clutched his tissue box to him protectively and smothered his face with the soft aloey fabric.
Meanwhile, Trowa and Quatre were sitting on the couch in the living room.
"Did you feel a breeze?" Quatre asked.
"Wufei," was his reply.
"Hmm," Quatre mused.
Said pilot stalked into the room and plopped down on the arm-chair across from the couch. "I simply cannot believe those two!" he growled, petting his tissues lovingly. "They don't even have the decency to wait until they're alone!"
The other two pilots gave Wufei an inquiring look.
Wufei glared at them as though they were both insane.
"Yuy and Maxwell!" he cried as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I don't know exactly what they're doing, but whatever the hell it is, it's good enough to make Maxwell moan and beg for more!"
Quatre looked like a little kid that was just told that Santa Claus was going to visit three times this year instead of one. "They're doing it NOW?" he asked the still bleeding Wufei. He didn't even wait for an answer. He jumped off of the couch and whisked away upstairs. Trowa soon followed.
Wufei stared after them. Now he knew that they were insane. Am I the only sane one in this loony bin? he mentally asked his box of tissues. He resigned himself to the chair and decided to stay there, clutching his beloved tissues, until everything went back to normal.
Quatre crouched outside of Heero's room with his ear planted to the door. Trowa, standing over the blonde Arab, was doing the same.
"Mm, it tastes so good," Duo moaned from behind the closed door. "And there's so much of it! Heero, how do you manage to hide it underneath that skin-tight spandex?!"
Quatre gasped. Trowa placed a finger over his mouth, silently telling Quatre to remain quiet.
Heero chuckled from within. "Don't you worry about that, Duo-chan. Just be glad I'm willing to do this with you."
"Heh, believe me, Hee-kun, I am glad."
Quatre looked as though he was about to burst in a fit of giggles.
'I knew it!' he mouthed to Trowa. Trowa smiled in response.
Wufei had decided to leave his post on the chair and try once again to slip into the silent void that was meditation. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, he saw two very interested pilots eavesdropping on the two occupied pilots.
"Oh, for the love of--," Wufei said before stalking up to Heero's door. He raised a fist to bang on the door, but was prevented from doing so by Quatre's vice on his arm.
"Don't!" Quatre whispered. Wufei merely jerked his hand away with a reproving look on his face.
"Look at both of you," he reprimanded them both. "Betraying your friends' trust. You ought to be ashamed!"
Quatre sensed the ominous feeling of one of Wufei's patented rants approaching so decided to play innocent. Large blue eyes sparkled apologetically and he slowly poked his bottom lip out in an adorable pout. This was Quatre's 'please don't be mad at me' look. Indeed, Quatre did look ashamed. "You're right," he sighed.
Trowa was both impressed and proud of Quatre's acting skills. He too complied with Wufei's objections by taking a step back.
Wufei nodded in approval. He knocked on the door loudly.
"Who is it and whadda ya want?" said Duo(3).
"Just what the hell are you two doing in there?!"
"Uh.., nothing! Heero was just, uh, showing me some, uh--ooph!"
Wufei, having grown tired of this entire ordeal, merely opened the door. The sight that was revealed to them made Wufei step back. Trowa's eyebrows shot up and an "Oh, my.." could be heard from behind the hand over Quatre's mouth.
The infamous Perfect Soldier was sitting on his knees on the ground, cheeks bulging with some unknown pink substance. Duo's mouth was in much the same fashion.
"What the hell..?" Wufei said, speaking the other two pilots' bewildered minds as well.
"Uh," said Duo after he had swallowed the load in his mouth. "It's this new stuff Heero and I found. It's really--"
"Then what the hell were those noises that we kept hearing you two make?!" Quatre demanded, looking as though something delectable had been snatched from him.
"Noises?" a bewildered Duo asked.
"Yes, noises! It sounded like you two were having sex!"
Duo blanched and Heero nearly choked on the load in his mouth.
"Sex?! Who, me and Heero? Hell no!! Heero has no libido at all, Quat, you oughtta know that!"
Trowa noted the sidelong glance Heero gave Duo and how his eyes dropped momentarily below the belt.
"Then what was with the whole slapping on the ass thing?!" He demanded.
Heero and Duo exchanged frantic looks. Trowa decided to cut the two obviously floundering pilots some slack. The young Arab's interrogations could get fierce.
"Well, if you two weren't doing what we thought you were doing," Trowa said softly. "Then what the hell were you doing?"
Duo looked immensely relieved for the sudden escape route. He grinned sheepishly and held up what looked suspiciously like underwear. Not just any underwear, mind you, but pink, frilly, lacy underwear.
"OH, MY GOD!!" Wufei screamed as he nearly tripped over himself to get away, holding the tissues before him as though they were a barrier against evil. "You stole that onna Relena's underwear!!"
The other four pilots visibly paled.
"Eugh, 'Fei," Duo said looking as though he was going to hurl. "That's so wrong on so many levels.
"No way in hell would Heero, much less I, ever do anything so disgusting. But now that you mention it, it does look like something she would wear." Duo studied the undies in his hands.
"I'm afraid to ask, but, what the hell," Trowa said slowly, shrugging his shoulders. "What were you really doing?"
"Eating," Heero quipped as he stuffed some of the underwear in his mouth.
"Huh?" The three dumbstruck pilots said in unison.
"Aw, c'mon!" Duo drawled. "Haven't you guys ever heard of edible underwear?"
An enormous sweat drop formed on Wufei's head.
"Who ever heard of such a ridiculous notion?" he snorted.
"Apparently, Heero and Duo," Trowa stated matter-of-factly. Wufei grunted.
Quatre stepped forward apprehensively.
"May I?" he asked Duo.
Trowa's eyes widened a fraction. Duo quirked an eyebrow at Quatre's outstretched hand and grinned.
"Sure," he replied. "But if you like it, you can't come mooching it off'a me and Heero, got it?"
Quatre looked to Heero, who was still munching away, and nodded. Duo dug around in their box of the edible underwear and produced a pair that hadn't been nibbled on yet. "Here ya go," he said passing it to the small blonde.
Quatre studied it for a moment. He turned it over once, twice, and then looked at Duo. "Are you sure that it's really edible?"
Duo rolled his eyes. "Just bite it!" he huffed.
Never one to argue with the ever unyielding Duo Maxwell, Quatre took a huge chunk out of the edible lingerie. Trowa's eyes widened a bit more.
Quatre blinked and looked up with an astonished look on his face.
"Wow," he mumbled around the glob in his mouth. "It's actually..." Quatre swallowed audibly. "Good!"
Trowa stepped forward and eyed the underwear. Quatre offered it to him with a cheeky grin on his face, his eyes gleaming with a mischievous light. I know that grin, Trowa thought. That's his 'I'm planning something' grin. Trowa's face cracked at all the possibilities that edible underwear had to offer. He grabbed the smaller boy by the elbow and dragged him to their shared bedroom.
Wufei stared at the obviously delirious pilots still munching happily away. "I'm surrounded by idiots..." Wufei muttered to no one in particular.
"Hey, Mr. Stick-up-my-ass," Duo glowered. "You may as well get used to it, because, judging by that look on Quat's face, you're going to be seeing a lot more of this stuff." He accentuated his statement by holding up the aforementioned pink garment.
The Chinese pilot gave Heero, who was still busily stuffing his face, a reproving look. "I still say it looks like Relena-type underwear." He watched in satisfaction as Heero again choked on his load.
"'Fei!" Duo yelled as he jumped up and pushed him out the door. "That's just disgusting!" There was a resounding boom and a rush of air as Duo slammed the door in his face.
Wufei sighed as he found himself once more standing in the middle of the hallway. Again, he lovingly petted his precious tissues. They're all insane. I'm the only one here who isn't, aren't I, Mr. Fluffles? Wufei sighed in resignation and retreated to his room to sleep off the madness of the day.
Unfortunately for the Chinese pilot, the next three days offered no rest for him, due in major part to the strange and somewhat disturbing sounds emanating from the other pilots' rooms.
Owari
1. This is a direct reference to a funny fanfic entitled "Unapologetic Man-smut."
2. Mmm... Just think... Trowa Quatre Ice cream ...... yeeahhh... What ever happened to that Du-berries and Cream web site?? o.0;;..
3. Did anyone notice that Duo is the only one who uses slang? I didn't even notice that myself until I went back and re-read it... I think my subconscious is trying to convey something to me...
Yay!!! My first ever completed Gundam Wing fanfic!!! does a little dance I'm well aware that it's no where near the greatest thing in the world, although I do have to admit to myself that I have read worse. sigh I'm disappointed with the ending, but I had a head ache, dammit!! I'm looking for C&C PLEASE!