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For years now, my life has been nothing but a never-ending downward spiral. Half the time, I can't take take it, the other times, I just don't even think about it. The thing that always crosses my mind is suicide; ending things here and now, putting myself out of the hell that I've been living for the past seventeen years. I've thought about it several times, but just as many times as I've thought about it, people tell me not to, as it'll put them through even more hell. The only thing is though, I don't think about it when I'm about to do it. Most of the time, I couldn't care less about people's emotions, especially when I'm in a depressed stage. When I do think about killing myself, I don't broadcast it like the completely stupid idiot in my school does. I attempted suicide twice a couple months ago, and about six times this month alone. Last month was a different story however, the reasons for killing myself were completely different. This month's reasons are completely different than those of last month. One of the reasons was because I watched my best friend die in a horrible car accident that shook me to the core. After the accident, I tried to hide my pain, but it was too painful to hide. To this day it still hurts me to think about it. I try to hide my pain from the world, but sometimes it just doesn't work. The only dreams I have are of my best friend dying in that god damned car accident. I'm willing to bet that you can't figure out why I tried so many times again this month. That is a fact I'm going to share later on.
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Go ahead and call this my journal if you want to, but that's not what I call it. I'd call it my life's story, but what you call it is your own opinion. I'll start off by telling you a bit about the best friend I lost. Her name was Raven Roberts and she was the most wonderfully selfless person in the world. I respected everything about her, her opinions, to her very core. She was this warm, caring person who, when she walked into a room, brought with her a light that lit up even the dank and darkest possible room. She had short black hair that she always tied back with a black ribbon, she wore her favorite black jacket with an angel on the front and a devil on the back, black pants and black shoes. I knew there was something special about her from the day I met her, but I could never gather the courage to tell her. She supposedly felt that say also, but, as with everything nowadays, I highly doubt she felt that way. What I mean is who in their right mind would want someone like me for their friend? I'm a 5 and a half foot tall black haired brown eyed nobody who's interests scare the hell most of the people around me (my music, my art, my writing, the way I dress; you name it.) Raven's boyfriend (who will remain nameless for now, because of what he did) was with her the night of the accident. He was the one who caused the god damned accident for Christ's sake!! I won't go into detail, because it's still hard for me to talk about it and I'll just upset myself and depress myself even more, and that's the last thing I need right now. Little by little, I'm moving past the fact that Raven isn't here anymore. I'm getting over it, but just a little bit at a time. I've gone on to meet new people with the same interests as mine, but no one could ever replace Raven, or the bond that we shared.
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This new friend of mine has completely changed my life, to tell you the truth. Meeting this girl has given me a whole new look on life now, because I used to be really introverted; I never asked questions, I never talked to anyone, when it came for confrontation, I would turn and walk the other way (which, half the time, ends with me being beaten within a hair's length of my life.) Though out the course of my high school career, my fellow classmates have thought of me as an introverted headcase who needs to be strapped to an electric chair; that's fine by me, I don't give a shit anymore. She is the same warm, caring ray of hope that Raven was. Right after I met this girl, I felt as though, for a split second, Raven came back to me. She's the same warm, caring ray of hope that Raven was. For the for the first time in sixteen years, my depression was lifted, and I felt as though I had a reason to live. I'll tell you about this girl in the next chapter, but, for now, I will tell you that this girl is the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me and there's no way in hell I would ever change that or anything about her. I don't regret meeting her either; I think about her a lot, and I miss her every minute I'm not with her, but I'll tell you more later.
If you haven't been able to figure it out yet, yes, I'm goth and emo. My name is Richard Grayson, and this is my life as I'm living it.