Jar of Hearts, a ncis: los angeles fanfic

Jar of Hearts

By Shaz1

None of the recognised characters belong to me, so please don't sue me for borrowing them for a while.

This story actually came to me whilst I was out running yesterday and the Christina Perri song came on my iPhone- it just reminded me of the episode Standoff from season two- and so this oneshot was born….

Jar of Hearts

It had been five years since Special Agent G Callen had allowed his former partner to cross his mind. He was never one to dwell on his past- if he was he would probably have been sectioned years ago.

Tracey Keller was one of the only people he had ever allowed into his heart. They had worked together within the CIA- stared death in the eye side by side and somehow walked away at the end of the day. He had known the minute that he had laid eyes on her that she was going to steal his heart- he would just never have guessed quite how hard he would fall for her. When they met he had been with the agency for a few years, yet still not had a partner that he was able to place his trust in- no one that he was willing to accept as the other half of his working unit. He preferred to work alone- the FBI had tired of his independent streak, and up until that point the agency had allowed him to work his own way, not questioning his methods and merely reaping his results. Then they had paired him with Tracey. In retrospect it had marked the end of his time with the CIA- he just didn't realise it at the time. He sighed to himself as he rubbed his face tiredly, he had just returned from the Cayman Islands where the ghost of his 'marriage' had finally been laid to rest, and he would never see her again. He knew that Sam was wanting answers- still not understanding the relationship between the two former CIA agents.

She had hurt him so badly, he had never loved anybody before her- and yet she used his love as a weapon against him. He had been left bleeding and bruised in Pakistan, and she had never looked back or considered him for a second. It was as he lay in the hospital bed recovering that the last of the shutters of his emotions finally clattered shut never to be fully opened again. Kristen was the only one ever since that had even come close to peering over the barricades that surrounded him, and that had been based on a lie. He snorted to himself at the memories- a flash of her soulful brown eyes flashed through his mind and he could still feel the pang of longing, despite the coldness that they hid beneath them. There was no denying that Tracey was a beautiful woman- and her mind still fascinated him, she was able to make leaps of logic that formed the base of fantastic plans. She had given him a run for his money in the undercover stakes as well. He closed his eyes as memories of her touch caressing him assailed his mind. The ghost of a kiss they had shared still lingered, and he closed his eyes against the wave of emotion that it caused to surge through him.

He had told her that it didn't matter anymore, he had been lying. It still mattered; it still caused a burning hurt to run over him over a decade after she had abandoned him. He knew that he had yet again served his purpose to her, helping her finalise the deal that she had been involved in all along- even though he did play the best hand and landed her in jail. He cursed his weakness where she was concerned, hated the power that she had over him- even now he longer for her touch. He shuddered as his body recalled the feel of her skin against him. He sighed again as he got to his feet and dusted the sand off his jeans, and began his stroll back to the car. He had a house of his own now, but was yet to get into the habit of returning home to the same place every night.

He knew that he had kept his mask in place in front of the team- mostly anyway, but he couldn't possibly miss the disapproving looks that Sam had constantly aimed towards his former lover, and he couldn't help the smile that sprung to his face at the thought- his partner was so far beyond protective of him it was unreal, yet someone did bring him comfort. He knew that he owed his friend answers, but at the moment he couldn't bring himself to verbalise the story. He got to his car and eased himself into the driving seat, starting the engine and driving out of the car park to head to the building that he was supposed to call home.

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

Sam was pacing, he had arrived home from the Cayman Islands the previous evening and hadn't seen his partner since. As usual Callen had closed up and refused to shed any further light on his relationship with his former partner. The Seal was unused to seeing his friend display any form of weakness, least of all where a woman was concerned. Despite being partnered up with G for three years there was still so much about the younger man that he knew nothing about- an ex-wife being one of them. He couldn't help the frustration that he felt at being left out in the cold about his friend's past, he had no understanding of the upbringing his friend must have suffered and he could only imagine the horrors that Callen had seen as a child growing up. He knew why Callen struggled to give his heart- he just didn't like it. He hated Tracey Keller- hated what she had done to his partner, and what he knew she was still doing to him. Callen was shutting him out- again and it was driving him crazy.

"Stop pacing Mr Hanna- Mr Callen will come to you if he needs you" Hetty assured her agent as she once more approached him silently.

"We both know that's not true Hetty" Sam responded with a sigh as he sat down.

"Mr Callen needs to get his own mind straight before he can move on from this Mr Hanna. I sense she was special to him, more so that we may have realised" Hetty commented as she poured the hot water into her china teapot. Sam pondered the comment in silence for a moment, before nodding reluctantly in agreement.

"I guess so. I just wish he would let me help him Hetty" Sam stated.

"You are here if he needs you Sam, that is more than he has ever had before" Hetty told him, and neither operative could argue either the truth or the sadness of the statement.

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

Callen sighed in relief as he stepped under the spray of the shower, suddenly exhausted he allowed the water to sooth him. He stayed there with his hand rested against the tiled wall until the water ran cool. He grudgingly stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his slim hips. Patting himself dry he pulled on a pair of jeans and shrugged a t-shirt on over his head before heading to the kitchen and helping himself to a cold bottle of beer. He hated the fact that his team had seen him in his vulnerable state- it was bad enough 18 months prior when he had been shot and everyone had treated him with kid gloves, but now they had seen him following his heart and getting bitten. He was supposed to be infallible, lead the team and be respected by them. How could they respect him now? Dwelling on the depressing thought he slugged back the remainder of the beer before reaching for another and popping it open.

He wondered how many guys had fallen for her charms- well how could they resist her? He made his way into the lounge and sat down on the only chair that he owned. He never gave in to self-pity, and really that wasn't what this was. He was glad that he hadn't fallen for her all over again, relieved that his heart hadn't forced him to risk everything that he cherished. It didn't make it hurt any less-this was just another scar to add to his collection- only somehow this one hurt more than the five bullet wounds that scattered his chest- maybe because this one went straight through his heart.

The End

Jar of hearts (for those that don't know it…..and again it doesn't belong to me…..)

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?