Title: Love Always, Harm
Author: MacKenzie Rabb
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Written: July 5 - 7, 2001
Spoilers: "Lifeline"; "Adrift"
Classification: Angst; Romance (Harm/Mac)
Summary: After Harm's plane crash, Mac's given something he never intended for her to see.
Disclaimer: I do not own poor mixed up, muddled up, Harm and Mac, or anything/anybody else having to do with JAG. It all belongs to those wacky, torture happy people at Paramount, CBS, and Bellisarius Productions. We love ya anyway! :) Why do you think we're still here? *g*
Author's Notes: Ah, this is one of those precious lightning bolts that hit me at the strangest times. After the endless post "Adrift" fics, and trying to write one of my own, I got horribly stuck, when this came to me. I'm not slamming anyone's "Adrift" fics here, if you can do it, more power to ya! But I just couldn't come up with anything original, so this fell in my lap. Thank God for inspiration. :) Hope y'all enjoy!
I want to thank Julia for the beta. Thanks, girl! You were a *huge* help! :)
*********************************************************************
Mac sat down wearily behind her desk, and took a deep breath. Harm was okay. He had to thaw out a bit, but he'd be okay. This had been the single longest night of her entire life, and relief and exhaustion was now washing over her.
Harm was in and out of consciousness, but she'd begged to stay with him overnight at the hospital. Not even the Admiral could clear her to spend all night in the ICU, so she'd been told to go home, get some rest, change clothes, and come back at five in the morning.
That was five hours from now. She was sure she was going to go insane worrying about him.
The Admiral had driven her back to Headquarters, so they could tell the others what exactly was going on, and he thought she needed a little support at the moment as well.
Mac had entered the JAG offices to looks of sympathy and concern. Everyone asked how Harm had been when they left, and how long it would be before he was recovered. After all the questions, she just needed a minute to herself, so she slipped into her office and sank into her chair. With a deep sigh, she buried her face in her hands and let the tears come. She'd almost broken down at the sight of Harm, but she hadn't let herself. If he could hear her at all, she didn't want him to hear her in pain.
That's what it was - pain. Her heart was about to kill her at the thought of almost losing him again. This could've been it, and then what would she have done? She would've lived a long, lonely life of pain and regret that she never told Harm how much she loved him and how stupid she'd been to run to Mic so soon. She was so shaken and angry that she didn't know anything else to do, but to sit there and let the deep sobs rack her body.
Mac didn't hear Harriet come into her office, even though she knocked. Her friend stood staring at the scene before her, not knowing what to say. She'd come to bring Mac something, but she didn't know if she'd be ready for whatever was contained in the little white envelope that she held in her hands.
Harriet walked around the desk, and knelt before the sobbing woman, gently laying a hand on her arm. Mac slowly looked up, her face soaking wet, but she was too tired to be embarrassed or try to hide what was going on.
Everyone knew anyway.
"Mac, I know you probably want to be alone right now, but I found this, and I thought you might need it," she said softly, placing the envelope in her hands.
Mac turned it over, and saw her name in Harm's bold handwriting. It simply said 'Mac'.
"Where did you-?" she started to ask.
"I was just looking out the window in Harm's office, and I looked over at the desk and that was there. I don't know why or what's in it," Harriet explained.
"Thank you, Harriet," Mac said with a sniff. "And you're wrong, I really don't want to be alone right now, but I think I need to be to read this."
"I understand."
Harriet gave Mac a quick hug, and stood up to leave.
"I'm so glad he's going to be okay," Harriet said.
"Me too," Mac smiled weakly.
"Bud and I will be here as long as you need us," Harriet said, turning to go.
"Thank you," Mac said as Harriet closed the door behind her.
What on earth was Harm doing writing me a letter? Mac thought, her curiousity running wild. This was certainly not a routine thing.
With shaking hands, she slit the top of the envelope, and reached inside to find two sheets of plain white paper.
Tears began to fill her eyes again when she read what was there.
May 24, 2001
Dear Sarah,
If you're reading this, I've probably just made the biggest mistake of my life - letting you go. Letting you marry him. I'm sure everyone's wondering how I could've been so stupid; I am too.
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but when I'm standing in front of you, I can't get the words past my lips. All those so-called 'eloquent' speeches I give in court, and I can't tell you how I feel about you. But maybe that's because all that legal jargon is about someone else, and this is about me.
Whatever it is, I've always been a coward when it comes to my feelings, and you deserve to know that. At least Mic never held back, he wasn't afraid. But that's why you're with him and not me.
I might as well say it, Sarah. I love you. Somehow the words are so easy to write on paper, but so hard to say to you, even though it's all I think when I'm around you. I think I've loved you ever since the first time we met, but I tried to tell myself it was just an infatuation with a beautiful woman.
Four and a half years later, I know it's not infatuation.
You are the most incredible person I've ever known, but I know you don't see that about yourself. You've been through so much in your life, and you've made it through everything, you triumph every time. You couldn't possibly know how much your friendship, your partnership has meant to me. You've been there for me when I needed you most, and I think it might kill me to have to let you go. Because as much as you said you wanted to stay close, we both know it's not possible. Brumby wouldn't have it, and I don't know what would hurt me more - loving and being near a married woman, or loving her and having to let her go.
I don't even know if I'll ever give this to you, but I had to get it out somehow. I want you to know that it was never your fault. I wanted you more than anything on this earth, I still do. I was too afraid to let myself fall that far, at least until it was too late. My childish fear of love has ruined my entire life, and we both know I was too old for that in the first place.
I was afraid that if I gave in it would overtake me, overwhelm me to the point of no return, and loving like that scared me. But it happened anyway. I finally realized there was no way I could stop it. It's something that just is, and I'll love you for the rest of my life.
I don't want you to feel guilty for my mistake. You gave me more than enough chances to confess, and I didn't take a single one of them. Whether you believe it or not, I just want you to be happy, that's all. As long as you're happy, I can take anything. But I want you to realize that if Brumby ever messes up, if he ever forgets for one second how lucky he is, I'll be here.
I'll always be here for you, Sarah, if you really need me.
Love Always,
Harm
As Mac finished the letter, she could hardly breathe. Everything she'd ever wanted to hear was right there before her eyes. And she couldn't let him know she'd seen it. He probably never intended to give it to her.
But she knew for sure now, that was the point. There wasn't going to be a wedding now anyway, that had been resolved hours ago. Mic had taken one look at her tear streaked face and it was over. He gently told her what they both knew, but he had stayed until they found out Harm was still alive.
What would she do when she went back to the hospital now? How could she face him normally after reading this?
Oh God, what about Renee? Mac thought. She was still out in the bullpen with the others. Harm was going to have a very big mess to clean up when he got well.
And he didn't even know it yet.
The End
Author: MacKenzie Rabb
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Written: July 5 - 7, 2001
Spoilers: "Lifeline"; "Adrift"
Classification: Angst; Romance (Harm/Mac)
Summary: After Harm's plane crash, Mac's given something he never intended for her to see.
Disclaimer: I do not own poor mixed up, muddled up, Harm and Mac, or anything/anybody else having to do with JAG. It all belongs to those wacky, torture happy people at Paramount, CBS, and Bellisarius Productions. We love ya anyway! :) Why do you think we're still here? *g*
Author's Notes: Ah, this is one of those precious lightning bolts that hit me at the strangest times. After the endless post "Adrift" fics, and trying to write one of my own, I got horribly stuck, when this came to me. I'm not slamming anyone's "Adrift" fics here, if you can do it, more power to ya! But I just couldn't come up with anything original, so this fell in my lap. Thank God for inspiration. :) Hope y'all enjoy!
I want to thank Julia for the beta. Thanks, girl! You were a *huge* help! :)
*********************************************************************
Mac sat down wearily behind her desk, and took a deep breath. Harm was okay. He had to thaw out a bit, but he'd be okay. This had been the single longest night of her entire life, and relief and exhaustion was now washing over her.
Harm was in and out of consciousness, but she'd begged to stay with him overnight at the hospital. Not even the Admiral could clear her to spend all night in the ICU, so she'd been told to go home, get some rest, change clothes, and come back at five in the morning.
That was five hours from now. She was sure she was going to go insane worrying about him.
The Admiral had driven her back to Headquarters, so they could tell the others what exactly was going on, and he thought she needed a little support at the moment as well.
Mac had entered the JAG offices to looks of sympathy and concern. Everyone asked how Harm had been when they left, and how long it would be before he was recovered. After all the questions, she just needed a minute to herself, so she slipped into her office and sank into her chair. With a deep sigh, she buried her face in her hands and let the tears come. She'd almost broken down at the sight of Harm, but she hadn't let herself. If he could hear her at all, she didn't want him to hear her in pain.
That's what it was - pain. Her heart was about to kill her at the thought of almost losing him again. This could've been it, and then what would she have done? She would've lived a long, lonely life of pain and regret that she never told Harm how much she loved him and how stupid she'd been to run to Mic so soon. She was so shaken and angry that she didn't know anything else to do, but to sit there and let the deep sobs rack her body.
Mac didn't hear Harriet come into her office, even though she knocked. Her friend stood staring at the scene before her, not knowing what to say. She'd come to bring Mac something, but she didn't know if she'd be ready for whatever was contained in the little white envelope that she held in her hands.
Harriet walked around the desk, and knelt before the sobbing woman, gently laying a hand on her arm. Mac slowly looked up, her face soaking wet, but she was too tired to be embarrassed or try to hide what was going on.
Everyone knew anyway.
"Mac, I know you probably want to be alone right now, but I found this, and I thought you might need it," she said softly, placing the envelope in her hands.
Mac turned it over, and saw her name in Harm's bold handwriting. It simply said 'Mac'.
"Where did you-?" she started to ask.
"I was just looking out the window in Harm's office, and I looked over at the desk and that was there. I don't know why or what's in it," Harriet explained.
"Thank you, Harriet," Mac said with a sniff. "And you're wrong, I really don't want to be alone right now, but I think I need to be to read this."
"I understand."
Harriet gave Mac a quick hug, and stood up to leave.
"I'm so glad he's going to be okay," Harriet said.
"Me too," Mac smiled weakly.
"Bud and I will be here as long as you need us," Harriet said, turning to go.
"Thank you," Mac said as Harriet closed the door behind her.
What on earth was Harm doing writing me a letter? Mac thought, her curiousity running wild. This was certainly not a routine thing.
With shaking hands, she slit the top of the envelope, and reached inside to find two sheets of plain white paper.
Tears began to fill her eyes again when she read what was there.
May 24, 2001
Dear Sarah,
If you're reading this, I've probably just made the biggest mistake of my life - letting you go. Letting you marry him. I'm sure everyone's wondering how I could've been so stupid; I am too.
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but when I'm standing in front of you, I can't get the words past my lips. All those so-called 'eloquent' speeches I give in court, and I can't tell you how I feel about you. But maybe that's because all that legal jargon is about someone else, and this is about me.
Whatever it is, I've always been a coward when it comes to my feelings, and you deserve to know that. At least Mic never held back, he wasn't afraid. But that's why you're with him and not me.
I might as well say it, Sarah. I love you. Somehow the words are so easy to write on paper, but so hard to say to you, even though it's all I think when I'm around you. I think I've loved you ever since the first time we met, but I tried to tell myself it was just an infatuation with a beautiful woman.
Four and a half years later, I know it's not infatuation.
You are the most incredible person I've ever known, but I know you don't see that about yourself. You've been through so much in your life, and you've made it through everything, you triumph every time. You couldn't possibly know how much your friendship, your partnership has meant to me. You've been there for me when I needed you most, and I think it might kill me to have to let you go. Because as much as you said you wanted to stay close, we both know it's not possible. Brumby wouldn't have it, and I don't know what would hurt me more - loving and being near a married woman, or loving her and having to let her go.
I don't even know if I'll ever give this to you, but I had to get it out somehow. I want you to know that it was never your fault. I wanted you more than anything on this earth, I still do. I was too afraid to let myself fall that far, at least until it was too late. My childish fear of love has ruined my entire life, and we both know I was too old for that in the first place.
I was afraid that if I gave in it would overtake me, overwhelm me to the point of no return, and loving like that scared me. But it happened anyway. I finally realized there was no way I could stop it. It's something that just is, and I'll love you for the rest of my life.
I don't want you to feel guilty for my mistake. You gave me more than enough chances to confess, and I didn't take a single one of them. Whether you believe it or not, I just want you to be happy, that's all. As long as you're happy, I can take anything. But I want you to realize that if Brumby ever messes up, if he ever forgets for one second how lucky he is, I'll be here.
I'll always be here for you, Sarah, if you really need me.
Love Always,
Harm
As Mac finished the letter, she could hardly breathe. Everything she'd ever wanted to hear was right there before her eyes. And she couldn't let him know she'd seen it. He probably never intended to give it to her.
But she knew for sure now, that was the point. There wasn't going to be a wedding now anyway, that had been resolved hours ago. Mic had taken one look at her tear streaked face and it was over. He gently told her what they both knew, but he had stayed until they found out Harm was still alive.
What would she do when she went back to the hospital now? How could she face him normally after reading this?
Oh God, what about Renee? Mac thought. She was still out in the bullpen with the others. Harm was going to have a very big mess to clean up when he got well.
And he didn't even know it yet.
The End