Disclaimer: All characters belong to CP Coulter's fanfiction, "Dalton".
A/N: Happy Holidays, everyone. I just want to get this up here before the update of E27... 'cause I don't think my mind will be in a clear state after reading it...
When Logan was still drugged, sleeping in his bed without a care in the world, Julian Larson thought that would be the last time that he's ever going to see him.
And when Adam was holding him hostage, forcing him to confess to Logan, Julian Larson thought that would really be the last time that he's ever going to speak to Logan again.
He didn't say it to save his own ass, and he didn't say it to ask for his love in return.
He told him because…because he thought he would never be able to survive this. If there was one thing that Julian Larson regretted, it would probably be of his cowardice. He knew he would be a dead man after this day and there really was nothing left for him to lose. And when this matter concerned life and death - a matter that concerned Logan's life and death, Julian Larson would do it.
Never would he have thought that he would make it out of the Art Hall.
Never would he have thought that what was said in the Art Hall would come back to haunt him.
0 0 0
"So you're in love with this person then."
Julian's face went red. "I wouldn't say I love him... it's just the alcohol talking."
"Are you blushing? Ladies and gentlemen, our superstar Julian Larson, blushing!" Sebastian laughed, attempting to climb up his stool but stumbled.
"Will you tone it down?" Julian said in a hushed voice, while scanning the room for paparazzi and steadying Sebastian back to his seat.
"Oh please, this is Paris. Nobody knows who you are, J," Sebastian signaled for the bartender and patted Julian's shoulder. "Hit me. And give this gentleman here a…a Martini, perhaps?"
"Whiskey…make it a double. And make it quick," Julian turned back to the pretty drunk Sebastian and grabbed his hand for his attention. "Now you listen to me, Sebastian Smythe, if that's even your real name. I don't know what have gotten to me today. I don't know why I told you…what I've told you but hear this: If I EVER get wind of one tiny rumour that will associate me with…"
"Oh wow, I'm scared. What are you going to do to me? Push me off the Seine? The Eiffel Tower? The glass pyramid? Coming from a guy who doesn't even have the guts to confess his love to someone, that doesn't seem like a threat at all."
Julian almost punched him in the face then and there. But he held himself back, turned around and walked away.
"Yes, walk away. Walk away like you always do to your problems."
That did it. Julian furiously shoved Sebastian against the wall and held him by the collar.
Sebastian snickered.
"There you go, Larson. This feels exactly like the star-studded brat I know from TV," he paused and tilted his head a bit, looking at Julian quizzically. "You know, we do have chemistry."
Julian was surprised, his grab on Sebastian's collar relaxed ever so slightly.
"Admit it, Julian. We do. And for once, don't hold back. Go with your guts. Kiss me." Sebastian leaned his head closer and closer towards Julian. "You're attractive, I'm attractive. Try me."
"I'm not interested," Julian replied, though not knowing why his heart faintly tingled when he smelled the fierce alcoholic breath from Sebastian.
"You do."
Julian, with his head still seemed not to be able to turn away, asked. "Why?"
"Curiosity. You're tempted. You want to know what it tastes like," Sebastian's piercing eyes traveled down to the actor's lips, and bit his own as if to hold back his hunger.
"But I do love him."
"Doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you," Julian could feel Sebastian's hand slowly snaking its way to his back, gently running it up and down his spine.
"I don't want to give up on it. I really don't."
"What happens in Paris stays in Paris. He doesn't need to know…"
Sebastian gave Julian that look.
He didn't need Sebastian to spell it out for him.
Logan didn't need to know…because he didn't care.
0 0 0
By the time he was truly awake, it had already been two days since he ran out of that raging fire.
Voices had been shifting in and out of his sleep for the last forty eight hours. He was somewhere in between dreams and reality. He kept hearing people calling his name and he wanted to respond but there was just always this wall in front of him. He tried to push through but to no avail because… there was this one voice that he wanted to hear.
And he couldn't find it.
He knew that…he knew that no matter how many voices were surrounding him, he would be able to identify that particular one.
"Jules."
It was him.
His eyelids were getting lighter, he could feel them starting to flutter.
It was his voice.
He could almost feel the bricks shattering.
That voice that had been calling his name so many times.
The wall was crumbling in his hands, he could see the exit now.
That same voice that he heard last before everything went black.
He ran for the door. He's almost there, almost -
Julian Larson woke up.
And found himself surrounded by nothing but flowers, get well soon cards and faces.
But none of them belonged to the person that he would like to see.
0 0 0
"I told myself I shouldn't get into this. I shouldn't get attached to him. It's just a crush and eventually, it will go away. I thought I was just confused… this was just something that every teenage boy would go through," Julian said, with his face towards the window, staring into nothingness. "But as time goes by, I realized I can't. I can't do it. I can't stay away from him."
An uncomfortable silence followed. "Have you ever went diving, Jules?" Derek asked. Upon hearing no reply, he continued. "You see, you always have to go diving with a partner. There is one particular lesson that I remember. My diving instructor told me that if…if I ever encounter a whirlpool, and my partner is getting sucked into it, I'll have to let go of his hand and swim away, never looking back. Otherwise, both of us will die…Don't keep holding on to this love of yours to Logan just because at this moment, you can't seem to be able to survive without it. Don't get drowned in it; don't get sucked into that whirlpool. You may be a jerk most of the time but… you deserve more than this."
"It's never easy to forget someone… because it's just like erasing a part of your life."
"Let go, Julian. Let go."
0 0 0
It was past visitors' hours.
After a few days of thorough body checks, Julian was finally allowed to walk around the hospital.
These past couple of days had been…dull.
He was never alone.
First there was his family, then a couple of close friends, and the cast from Something Damaged. Later on there were the Stuarts, representatives from Dalton and tons of other acquaintances whose names he simply failed to recall.
Even the boys who were trapped in the Art Hall were here. None of them had major injuries and for that, Julian was relieved. He already owed them and their families enough, he couldn't bear the idea of being held responsible for someone's life.
He was never alone.
But he was lonely.
A flash of green eyes could have caught his attention.
A flash of green eyes could have saved him from this numb state of his.
But the blond was never here.
He heard from the nurses that apart from the scratches here and there, Logan also had a broken leg.
It was past visitors' hours and when there seemed to be no one around, Julian quietly sneaked out to find Logan.
The room was dim lit but the Stuart Prefect was awake.
His eyes still seemed a little bit clouded, a little bit confused, probably because of all the pain killers he had to take.
But he was awake.
"Hey," Julian whispered with a hint of embarrassment and awkwardness, and snatched the chair closest to him.
"Hi Jules," Logan croaked. "I've never seen you in such a bad state."
Julian put up a small smile and unconsciously touched the bandages near his forehead lightly.
He didn't know what to think of this.
In one way, he was glad they could still be talking so casually.
But on the other, he couldn't help but wonder if Logan couldn't actually remember what happened in the Art Hall… or if he was merely pretending that nothing had happened.
He had to find out.
He owed the boys this much.
He owed himself this much.
For the second time in his life, he found himself summoning the courage that he had never had. Julian moved closer to Logan and clutched at the hand that was still connected to the IV drop. "I promise you, I'll always stay by your side, okay?"
Slowly, those green eyes blinked for a few times.
So close, yet so far away.
He won't be able to get an answer tonight.
The distance so near, yet always seemed to be out of reach.
"You're tired. Get some sleep, I'll see you in a bit," Julian sighed, and resigned to his room.
That was as far as he could go, asking for Logan's permission to let him stay.
As long as that answer was yes, Julian would be happy.
He would only ask for this much.
0 0 0
"That is much better, Julian. It's really well done."
"Thank you, sir," Julian carefully took off his headphone and walked towards the other side of the studio.
"I have to say, Julian, I love this recording way better than last time. There was just something missing before," The producer of Julian's new single said, nudging him in the ribs playfully. "I mean, this really hit home, you know. I can almost feel the pain in your voice. Did someone just break your heart?"
"Hardly. Julian Larson never gets broken hearted," Julian smirked, waving off the comment. "I'm always the one who do the job."
The producer chuckled. "Of course, who in their right mind will reject Julian Larson, our rising star?" Julian felt a sharp tug somewhere deep down his chest. He gave the producer a dim smile, who continued. "Well, I think we're done here. Do you want to grab a drink?"
"Perhaps next time, I still have to do a photo shoot afterwards… You know what, I'm just going to sing this one more time, just to make sure everything will be perfect."
"Boy, do you ever sleep? You just left school, flew all the way down here and you already have so much work to do. You have to rest for a bit, at least."
"No it's alright, really. It helps me forget."
"Girl trouble?" The producer teased.
Julian just slightly shook his head. "Stress."
Among other things.
"From the top."
0 0 0
The next morning when Julian visited, Logan seemed much more refreshed.
"Larson, you're alive I see."
It was that familiar tone.
Julian nodded. "And you, Wright."
Logan laughed. "It's good to see you, I was so sure I am going to be a dead man. You know, the funniest thing happened to me last night - I dreamt about you. You were visiting, sitting right there," He pointed at the armchair Julian now once again occupied, and continued. "I think you were asking me about something."
Julian could almost feel himself shaking. "And what did you say? What was your answer?"
"I don't remember…what was the question?"
"How will I know anything about your dream?" Julian replied sarcastically, trying to put up a brave face.
Just at that moment, the nurse entered. "It's time for your medicine, Mr. Wright."
There really was no point for him to stay. "Feel better, Lo," Julian patted the arms rest and walked for the door.
"Wait, Julian!"
He halted.
"Yes?" He asked hopefully, not daring to turn around.
"Is Kurt okay? Why hasn't he come visit me yet?"
Julian took a deep breath and walked away.
He didn't stop when he heard Logan calling after him…for he couldn't bear looking at him in the eyes. He was afraid that after so many rejections, the hurt and disappointment would finally show.
When he walked out the door, he only had one thought in his mind.
He would never end up with Logan.
Or at least, it's until that moment did he finally believe, did he finally have to accept the fact that…
He was never important to Logan.
Not in the past.
Not in the present.
And never in the future.
0 0 0
A gasp of pain.
He dropped his weapon, his hand reflexively grasping the other, hoping to stop that sharp tug at the wound.
"What happened? Are you alright?" He could see Logan running towards him, he couldn't possibly show a sign of weakness in front of him.
"I'm fine," Julian replied, with a smirk on his face. He turned his back to Logan, hoping the other fencer wouldn't see him breaking a sweat. But Logan was faster, and stronger, for that matter.
"Don't move! Let me see it!"
Julian was stunned. Never had Logan ever shouted at him in this way. It was not out of rage but…concern.
When he watched Logan holding his hand, examining the wound, he just hoped that the world would stop right at that moment.
He hoped that he could live in it forever.
He hoped that he would never have to let him go.
He hoped that he would have the courage to clutch at Logan when he had finished tending to the wound…for all he knew, that might be the last time that he could ever hold Logan's hands.
"There," Logan said, after finishing putting bandages around his hand. "Feel better?"
"I told you I'm fine."
Logan frowned, his tone suddenly turned cold. "Well then. I'm off to meet Kurt. We still have another tutorial session."
"Yes yes yes, don't be late. Always hos before bros right?" Julian sneered, throwing the blond a glare, his thumb gently running circles around his wound.
"Shut up, you ungrateful brat," Logan said as he picked up his gear, purposefully walking towards the exit. "Your ability to piss me off so easily never ceases to amaze me."
Without hearing any response from the diva, Logan turned around. "What? No witty comments this time, Larson?"
Julian had tried to hold his temper, but Logan asked for this. With a smirk, he spat, "I will never understand how your obnoxious attitude can make Blaine and Joshua like you. But then again, they're Windsors, one can only expect so much from them. You know, you change your targets so often, it's just like seeing lions disposing the carcasses of their prey. Before you knew it, you would already have fallen in love with another dozen of guys."
"Unlike you, at least I have the ability to feel and to love. You're just closeted in your own little world, living a life in disguise. Do you think your fame is going to last forever? Do you think showbiz really is as glamorous as you think it is? Sometimes I feel bad for you, Jules, because you don't know how to live without playing a role. You don't know how to live a life without pretending to be someone else."
And with that, Logan left Julian standing in the fencing hall.
All by himself.
0 0 0
He really did love him.
But rejections after rejections, he didn't know if he could stand this anymore. For…there were only that many chances in the world and however powerful love was…he was just afraid that someday, he would stop loving him.
There are worse things I could do,
Than go with a boy or two.
Even though the neighborhood thinks I'm trashy,
And no good,
I suppose it could be true,
But there are worse things I could do.
Somewhere along that road he had forgotten who he was.
Well, perhaps he never knew who he was.
He had played so many roles and nothing ever seemed to fit.
And somewhere along that road, he had forgotten why he fell in love with Logan in the first place.
It was too long ago.
Way too long ago.
I could flirt with all the guys,
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That's a thing I'd never do.
There was nothing worse than breaking down in front of everyone.
So he picked up his pace and ran back to his room.
He quickly locked the door, put his back against it and panted.
I could stay home every night,
Wait around for Mr. Right.
Take cold showers every day,
And throw my life away,
On a dream that won't come true.
He cried.
He slid down and cried.
But for whom? For what?
For Logan?
For himself?
For love?
I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worst thing I could do.
He didn't know.
He didn't know why.
He just sat there and cried.
0 0 0
"Those concert tickets – you wanted to save them for yourself and Logan, didn't you?"
"What concert tickets?"
"You know, the ones that helped Blaine and Logan get together."
Julian sneered. "It's ironic, wasn't it? I thought those tickets would make Logan fall in love and find a boyfriend. And they did. It's just that the boyfriend wasn't me."
He saw Kurt lifted up his hand and reached towards him. But somehow, Kurt retrieved it in midway, placing it back to his own lap. It really did take one diva to know another. He knew that Kurt knew… he wouldn't want someone to give him a pat right now. He wouldn't appreciate the sympathy.
Divas hated it.
"Do you hate yourself for this, Julian?"
"I do, more so than I hate you and Blaine."
"Then why didn't you just tell him?"
"Because, Hummel…" Julian looked up to the sky and let out a sigh. "Sometimes when you really love someone, you don't really need to have him. This is just another kind of romance… and this is exactly how Logan is treating you now."
"And out of all this, you two are just getting nothing but pain."
0 0 0
Julian didn't know how long he had been sitting on the floor.
He hadn't cried this hard for a very long time and he had forgotten long ago how exhausting it could be. The room had turned chilly and there was nothing he wanted to do but to sleep and forget about everything.
Tomorrow would be a new day.
And he would carry on living his pretentious life.
For better or worse, in that terrible state of his, Logan probably wouldn't be able to recall their conversation – and hopefully his confession – for that matter.
Logan.
As he was crawling back into his bed, he saw the cup from the Stuarts.
It was Logan who handed this to him, as a welcoming present.
He had three identical ones, each from the three times he came to Dalton to seek for some solace, peace…and love.
He hurled the cup against the wall.
0 0 0
"It was you all along."
How could he be so foolish, trusting a newbie who called himself a fanboy?
"You are the stalker!" Julian gasped when he came to his realization. "It was you who put peanut into Logan's food, who almost gave him that fatal fall down the stairs and it was you who drugged him into oblivion!"
It's his entire fault.
"He deserved it," Adam snarled. "He has given you so much pain, Julian. He doesn't understand you, but I do. I know you more than anyone else and I can give you anything you need. Love, I will give you all my love – no one can love you as much as I do."
Everyone's suffering because of him.
"Get away from me, you psychopath! What else have you done to the others?" Julian struggled against his grasp, trying to escape with the little strength that's left in his body. "If you understand me even one bit then you'll know that I will never, ever love you."
Everyone's suffering because he had fallen in love with Logan.
Adam let out a cold laugh and continued dragging Julian down the path. "You're just confused, Julian, and I don't blame you for this. You're being bewitched by that Logan person right now. You'll see, Julian. I'll prove my love to you and eventually you will fall in love with me."
Stay away from the Art Hall, Logan.
Please, don't come and find me, I beg of you.
Just stay away.
"No, Danny," he choked. "Don't come any closer. Stay right where you are."
I shouldn't have loved you in the first place.
I never should have.
0 0 0
Broken.
The cup.
His hand.
His heart.
Broken.
If only things could've gone backwards, none of this would have happened.
The cup would've remained whole.
His hand would have left scar less.
His heart would have been unbroken.
And he would have unfallen in love with Logan.
A/N: Thank you all for reading this. I hope the Gondoliers won't mind me including a bit of Laryth in here... I do think, like Mama said, they have the potential to make a good couple... As much as I love Jogan, and as much as I want them to become canon, all the signs right now (as far as I'm concerned) are still pointing to a not-so-happy ending between these two so... this is what I came up with. Once again, thank you. Please leave a comment, this will be highly appreciated.