Another result of conversations between me and this author. Goodness, what am I doing with my self. This ship is ridiculous.

Anyway those of you brave enough to click please relax and enjoy the crack.

(A/N: This was originally for and published on Valentine's Day, so i hope you enjoyed the last one and the ones to come! Also finally putting this here because the original story it's connected to was put on here by the original author and I am avoiding sleep. Go check out andquitefrankly, her stuff is good.)

This is my first time writing a fic of this caliber, so please, any and all feedback is welcome.

Alternate Title: Salt and Pepper.

Saruman Curunír White, burdened kindergarten teacher, muttered into his beard as he watched his class celebrate the totally ridiculous holiday that was Valentine's Day. A terrible, made up holiday created for nothing more than to promote the sale of frivolous items and push the issue of coupling upon the populace. Isolating those who were single or had yet to find love at all.

Not that he felt isolated, Saruman was perfectly fine with his current bachelorhood.

Perfectly fine.

With a sigh he didn't know he made, the older man sat back in his chair and watched as his students exchanged gifts and chattered on at a decent volume level…unlike a certain colleague's class whose brats could be heard all the way down the hall. With another huff Saruman quickly nipped all thoughts of the ridiculous Gandalf and his…aid…in the bud.

It would only sour his mood, and he would need all his fortitude to withstand attending the party set up for staff after classes were dismissed. Saruman could not understand why Mrs. Lorien had even set up the party; and he was still fuming about how she had managed to make attendance mandatory- for at least a little while- for all faculty. Forcing them to gather in the teacher's lounge and eat store bought food and drink low grade punch and interact.

Madwoman.

It was times like this he missed being a college professor, at Valinor he could see no one if he had wished it. He had never been forced to attend any parties or functions, never had to see his fellow faculty or the idiotic people they chose to bring or converse with…

He was abruptly brought out of his thoughts by the sound of the bell ringing. In tidy, yet no less enthusiastic, fashion Mr. White's students went to their cubbies and retrieved their things before running off to become their parents' problems once more. After a final once over and cleanup of the room-with more muttering- Saruman gathered his own things and closed his classroom for the day.

He was going to go to the blasted function and stay as long as was required- a "suggested" measure of thirty minutes at least-and then he would head straight home. He had a new romance novel he wanted to get to, a high fantasy thing with two males as the leads, and he wished to go indulge in his guilty pleasure in the peace of his own abode. He really wished Mrs. Lorien had given them all an early day like the staff had gotten.

With a final straighten of his clothes, a pair of well-fitting jeans, a white shirt and his favorite multi-hued zippered sweater, Saruman walked into the lounge and prayed for strength.

The teacher's lounge was a rather large room with a mini-kitchenette and a decent amount of space set aside for chairs and tables. One table was covered in pink clothe and had an assortment of food and a punch bowl upon it. There was also a large cooler sitting on the floor next to two of the legs. Several adults were grouped about said table or milled about the small space. Chattering and laughing with one another.

Turned out he was the last to arrive.

"So glad you could make it, my dear Saruman." Galadriel Lorien looked as lovely as ever in a blue blouse and black slacks, her bright hair tied back in an elegant braid. Saruman tried his best not to sneer at her tone and enigmatic-yet no less smug, in his opinion-smile.

"Yes, well it was demanded of me."

The woman chuckled, "Oh, come now Saruman. Don't be such a negative-Nancy. Go and have some punch and mingle. It won't kill you."

Although there was a lightness to her tone, the underlying command was still there. So like a good little soldier Saruman marched off and decided to at least have a drink in his hand so he would look busy, and could spill upon himself or another by "accident" if he was caught in any terrible conversation.

The slight crowd parted as he made his way to the snack table and he blinked. He had only made a cursory glance at what was offered before, but he could have sworn the bowl filled with what looked like fruit punch had been a different shape…

With a scoff at his own ridiculousness Saruman got himself a cup and promptly sat down at a nearby, empty table. He took a sip and promptly raised a brow, the "punch" was a particularly fruity blend and held an underlying taste to it. One he couldn't really place, but it was none the less good. So with a rare mental shrug, Saruman let it go and actually enjoyed the beverage. It was two refills later he found himself actually talking to someone, and it was none other than Radagast Brown.

The shorter man was dressed in a white shirt and a dark blue pull over with lighter zig-zag patterns upon it and dark brown slacks. A dark brown jacket was draped upon the back of the chair he occupied next to Saruman, and an equally dark brown panama hat with an upturned brim and dark blue hatband sat upon the table next his own cup.

Saruman squinted his eyes, and after a bit of concentration he asked "You're dressed rather nicely?"

It wasn't the most eloquent thing he had ever said but he wasn't exactly feeling like himself, though he wasn't really worried about it. He took another sip and felt himself calm even more.

Radagast smiled and said "Yes, I have a nice little function held by one of my old activist groups to attend today. All about this particular species called the Agapornis canus or 'Grey-headed Lovebird' that mates once for a life time and has the loveliest song, they and their cousins are quite popular to buy as pets. Unfortunately development over their habitat and poaching due to their lovely feathers has made the wild species numbers dwindle."

Saruman couldn't stop his scoff. "Lovebird? Couldn't they think of a better name? Many species mate for life."

Here Radagast smiled. "Yes, but the bird is called such because of the lengths it will go for others. If a member of either gender finds another they like they will do everything for that potential mate from following wherever they go to protecting them even after they've chosen another. They're also known to show care or "love" to the young of other birds-even of other species-and will protect them and nurture them. They are also a good predator upon local insect populations."

Saruman hummed, somewhat off put that Radagast of all had plans while he did not. Not that he cared, or wondered what Gandalf would be doing while his other half-since Radagast made no mention of bringing anyone with him to his function-would be busy. He needed another drink.

Saruman had had no idea he had been talking aloud, until Radagast responded.

"I think you've had just about enough tonight, and a bit more for good measure. And Gandalf is quite single and has no plans, at least not yet."

Saruman turned to Radagast in mild interest and asked "Really?"

"Oh yes, as a matter of fact why don't you both talk about how you have no plans? He's just over there by the way."

Saruman turned and found that not five feet away stood Gandalf, talking with one of the third grade teachers. He was dressed as usual, in a pair of nice fitted pants and jacket. Today it was an old sweatshirt from University, dark grey with the full name of the University stitched upon the front with the school's emblem upon the back. A rather radical design some friend of Gandalf's had pushed forward during their time as students and had been an instant success, it was still used today.

The jacket was of a good fit but still left things to the imagination. Gandalf's somewhat long hair was tied back with a simple elastic at the base of his neck. His beard was trimmed well and neat.

"Well? Are you just going to stare like that or are you going to go talk to him?"

Saruman turned to Radagast and glared. The other man barely even blinked. With a huff Saruman gathered himself and said "Actually I think I am going to go home. I've wasted enough time here."

He unsteadily got to his feet, which immediately confused him. He felt like he was drunk, but that wasn't possible! Not only was this a small gathering at a primary school but he also never drank in public, his tolerance was impossibly low. Always had been, even when he was a lad. A full glass of wine and he would be roaring drunk.

He turned to Radagast and saw the man smiling at him, it reminded him of Galadriel. Deciding to maybe go sit in his class room for a while to sort himself out before attempting to drive home Saruman made the valiant effort to get the hell out of there.

He didn't get very far, something suddenly stuck itself into his path and he could only watch helplessly as the blue tiled floor swerved up to greet him. Next thing he knew Saruman was looking up at Gandalf, who had apparently caught him mid-fall and was now trying to get his attention. Saruman stared at him dumbly for a moment, Gandalf's arm were firm and warm.

He smelled of Irish spring soap.

It was then Saruman realized that the position they were in was a rather…intimate looking one, and it was in the middle of the lounge. With everyone staring. Feeling the heat raise to his cheeks Saruman tried to push Gandalf away as he got up. All that resulted was that Gandalf kept a tighter grip as the two of them rose.

"I don't know what's wrong with him." Said Gandalf worriedly, Saruman was acting just as he had after a few too many back in the old days.

"Oh, he must have had some of the special punch Radagast made." Said Galadriel brightly.

"What? But, that's not like him." Gandalf frowned and looked at Saruman, who was muttering he was fine while at the same time leaning heavily upon the other man. It took Gandalf a moment to realize he was trying to push him away, but it seemed the command died when it reached Saruman's arms.

"Oh, I distinctly saw him having some. He has been looking troubled lately, maybe he decided to cut loose?" Radagast had suddenly appeared on Gandalf's other side, a small smile on his face even though his brows were furrowed.

"How about you take him to the second music classroom Gandalf? That spare couch is still there so he can lie comfortably while you keep an eye on him."

The second music classroom was one of the two rooms where the older students were taken to play instruments for music lessons, the walls were specially proofed so little sound came out and none were disturbed. Gandalf never understood why they had two, one was always enough. Which left the second to become a sort of extra storage/nap room.

With a sigh Gandalf nodded at his friend and after a quick reassurance to the remaining teachers that everything was fine he dragged a grumbling Saruman out of the room.

"What did you put into your "special punch" anyway?" Asked Galadriel after they had left. She held her own cup up for emphasis.

Radagast gave an odd grin, "Oh, mostly grape-cranberry juice with a little this and that and a bit of something liberating. Saruman has no tolerance so don't worry, no one else will get like him."

Galadriel gave a small laugh, "Shame. Either way mission accomplished."

"I wager second base while still here at the school."

"Third. Loser buys lunch Monday."

"Deal."

Gandalf gave a sigh of relief as he finally managed to get the door opened, Saruman was now clinging to him and being of no help what so ever. As comical as it was to see him so, Gandalf didn't appreciate that he had to bump his funny bone on the way in to the room. With a huff he kicked the door closed again after turning on the light and made his way to the old clothe couch.

Saruman easily fell upon the bit of furniture and lied down upon it. Only problem was he hadn't relinquished his grip on Gandalf as he did so, caught by surprise Gandalf had little choice but to follow. With a grunt he found himself crouched over Saruman, his hands holding himself up against the pull of the other's arms.

"Saruman, what's gotten into you? Let go, you need water and rest."

"I don't want either. I want you." Saruman's breath held the distinct tang of alcohol underlined with the sweetness of fruit.

Gandalf looked at him in surprise. "What?"

Saruman stared at him, his eyes clouded yet somehow sharp. "Are you really in love with that ridiculous Radagast?"

"What? Of course not. Why would you ask that? What's that-mmph!"

Gandalf was cut off when a pair of slightly dry yet still soft lips met his in a kiss. He couldn't move, his surprise freezing him in place. Saruman tasted of fruit, a bit of liquor and something sharp. Like pepper.

After a moment Saruman separated from him and stared, a small frown on his face.

"Good, because I have been in love with you for far too long. And dammit if I don't say it now while I have the courage, I never will." His words were just slightly slurred and his breath was hot against his face.

Gandalf could only look at him, rather speechless. His heart was unexpectedly hammering in his chest, he licked his lips and tasted a bit of that peppery tang once again. He wanted more. Without a moment's thought Gandalf leaned down and their lips met again, this time in a much more involved kiss. Both lied down more solidly upon the couch and griped at one another.

Saruman couldn't suppress a small moan, he had wondered at how Gandalf would taste and kiss like for so long. Everything he had imagined couldn't compare to the reality, especially the sweet taste of his mouth. It had an edge of salt to it. One of Saruman's hands reached up and released Gandalf's hair before entangling itself in the silvery locks.

With a sudden move Gandalf broke the kiss and the two gasped for air, neither moving very far away.

"S-saruman, what-how? Why didn't you say anything before? Do you mean it?"

"Of course I mean it! How was I supposed to declare myself to you Mr. Beloved-Teacher-Year-After-Year, with your multiple suitors? All of those men and women vying for your attention, especially that rugged lumber jack turned wood shop teacher and that long haired astronomer fellow. Add adorably dotty Mr. Brown to that and how am I, the "Wicked Wizard of the West Building" supposed to get your proper attention?"

Saruman's bitterness was almost tangible, and tears had gathered in the corners of his eyes. Shifting about Gandalf brought up a hand and quickly wiped the tears away. It all made so much sense now, his heart both constricted and soared.

"I…love you too. Saruman. I am so sorry, for everything. If I could go back-"

"You can't. But it doesn't matter now, so stop flapping your jaw and kiss me. You ridiculous old fool." Saruman's eyes were a bit clearer now, his anger and embarrassment helping him to sober a bit.

Gandalf couldn't help a laugh at Saruman's words, he meant them to be harsh but Gandalf could see the bright pink of his cheeks behind his wispy beard. So with a grin he descended once more and their lips met in fervor. Soon enough Gandalf rested himself fully upon the man below him and felt heat pool in his stomach at the feeling of Saruman squirming against him.

He chuckled huskily at the sound Saruman made when his hands had gotten underneath the layers of clothes and started caressing his smooth sides. It was the indecent love child of a groan and a whine.

Gandalf moved his attention to Saruman's neck, running tongue and teeth over the pale skin there. The man could only gasp and arch his back a bit in the face of such ministrations, from both mouth and hands; the hand still in Gandalf's hair suddenly tugged, which caused the man to growl and say with heat "No need to get so rough. Yet."

Saruman tried to form a reply but Gandalf's lips caught his before he could. He found his voice though, in the form of gasping words, when Gandalf began to move his hips. Saruman's automatic response was to buck in rhythm with him. The couch creaked with their movements, Gandalf hummed when he managed to get Saruman's top layers shoved upward a ways.

Saruman couldn't help a shiver as his skin was exposed, not from the cold but from excitement. And from the pressure he felt upon his thigh with each of Gandalf's hip thrusts he could tell he was just as excited. Saruman continued his death grip upon Gandalf as he started a new bout of kissing, his tongue going on to continue exploring the new territory of the other man's mouth.

It was when he felt a hand grip his hip and Gandalf's thumb rubbing at the skin just above the waistband of his pants did Saruman come back to himself. He tried to break the kiss he was currently engaged in but Gandalf's lips chased his, it wasn't until his third attempt did he succeed.

With a gasp he said, "We-we need to get out of here." It was completely indecent. And somewhat uncomfortable for the couch was old and rather lumpy.

"Yes, this would be much better if we continued someplace MUCH more comfortable. Like my bed. Shall we?"

With surprising swiftness Gandalf rose and straitened himself a bit, sparing a moment to tug down his sweat shirt so it better covered his crotch area. Not that it did much good. Saruman just laid where he was, face hot and breathe short. His mind reeling at Gandalf's words.

"Continued? Bed?"

Gandalf looked at him and gave him a grin that was just sinful.

"Why of course. As fun as this was, I'd much prefer the comfort and quiet of my home. Radagast is gone until sometime at the close of the weekend, so we can go there and be confident at not being interrupted. Or heard."

Saruman felt coils of arousal settle within him at Gandalf's words, more so when he realized Gandalf was raking his eyes over his splayed form. A smirk upon his face.

Saruman cleared his throat and sat up, ignoring the slightly swishing world around him, he quickly tugged down his clothes and smoothed his hair. It hadn't really escaped the braid he had put it in but he knew his hair was tellingly mussed. Gandalf just let his lay in disarray around his face.

"I-I actually think I will just go home. T-this won't- I-I just can't." With that he quickly got up and managed two steps before stumbling, Gandalf quickly caught him.

Seemed he still had some of that alcohol in his system.

Gandalf didn't relinquish his hold when Saruman righted himself, he instead pulled the other man to him and enveloped him tightly in his arms. Gandalf then brought up a hand and gripped Saruman's chin before placing a chaste yet still heated kiss upon his lips. When they separated he still didn't let go, forcing Saruman to look him in the eye.

"I let you slip away once, I'm not going to do it again. Come on Curunír, I think we've both waited long enough. Don't you?"

"…You haven't called me that in a long time. Olórin." He then went silent and for a few moments there was no sound but that of their breathing as they continued to stare at one another.

Finally Saruman said, "Very well. Take me to bed, and there better be tea in the morning."

"Of course!"

Gandalf laughed and gave Saruman a quick kiss before walking them both out of the room and down toward the front of the school, past the now silent teacher's lounge.

Saruman struggled a bit, but he could not escape the grip Gandalf had upon him.

With pink tinted cheeks he said "I can walk by myself."

"Not really, you can't. Besides holding you is much more fun." With a twinkle in his eye Gandalf moved the hand that was on Saruman's waist to his butt and gave a firm squeeze.

Saruman couldn't help the surprised yelp he let out and tried wiggling out of Gandalf's hands once more. It was to no avail though, Saruman couldn't escape until they reached Gandalf's car. And then it was only to the shelter of Gandalf's passenger seat.

Neither noticed the other car still in the parking lot. The occupant, Mrs. Lorien smoking a very rare cigarette, watched their continued antics until they drove away. With a smile she finished the last of the cigarette before starting the car and heading home to enjoy her own Valentine's Day and the weekend.

Radagast owed her some lunch, come Monday.

The grey-headed Love bird is a real bird that mates for life and is popular for a pet, all other details about it though are fictional. I imagine it as a much bigger bird than it is in reality.
Radagast clothes are based off of what his actor wore for when he was THE DOCTOR.

Yes, I totally made their Valentine's a Friday. huehuehue
This was supposed to be a "saruman gets drunk and then gets to tap Gandalf and be on top" fic but it turned into one where Gandalf stays on top and I have to say I like it all the same. If not more now. hahahaha

Saruman's comments about Gandalf's other "suitors" are based of this post I found on tumblr. I find it hilarious.

post/76369630969/davidtcnnant-search-the-castle#disqus_thread

And no, I don't have one. I just stalk a few feeds.

Anyway, see you around. *flies away into the night*