This ain't for the best
She should turn around. She should turn around and go back to her room. What if someone saw her? What if he was sleeping? What if he turned her in? God, this was so fucking stupid. She was risking her life, and for what? A roll between the sheets with a guy who she knows nothing about? What the fuck, June? Turn around and walk away. God, she was so stubborn she couldn't even talk herself out of this.
She raised her hand and knocked on the door. Quietly. As if that was the biggest problem. It felt like ten fucking years before she heard the scrape of a chair from inside. And another 15 eons before the door unlocked and opened. Then she was stepping into his apartment, heart beating so hard she knew he could see it. But he didn't say anything. He didn't do anything either. So she took the lead. Pulling her bonnet off, taking her hair down, dragging his shirt off, unzipping his pants.
It wasn't until she had led them to the bed when she realized what he was doing. That he was fighting himself so that she could be in control. She honed in on the way his hands kept lifting towards her just to fall back to his sides. She caught how his eyes were staring into hers- dark and heated and careful. She had been wet before she walked out of her room, but this was another level of aroused.
She took his right hand and put it on the curve of her hip. Then she put his left hand between her thighs, guiding him up until his fingers were teasing her through her underwear. Her breath caught in her throat at the same time he pulled her closer- head resting on her shoulder. He froze and it took her a moment to realize he thought he had scared her.
"I'm fine, don't stop."
She could hear how raw her voice was. And the way his grip tightened on her hips said that he didn't miss it either. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder, then up the column of her throat, until he got to her jaw. His fingers weren't teasing so much anymore. Now he was pleasuring her in earnest. She didn't know when he had slipped his hand inside her underclothes, but she noticed the difference between his calloused fingers and her cotton underwear. It was…a difference.
Her arm wrapped around his shoulders pulling her closer to him as she turned and let herself fall backwards onto his bed.
Something in both of them snapped.
His mouth was on her breasts and his right hand was on her thigh holding her open. Her fingers were tangled in his curls and she had her leg wrapped around his waist. It was too much- too good. It had been too long since someone had cared about making her feel good and her body didn't know how to handle it. But she needed more. Now. Always. God. She pushed at his shoulders and sat up, hands tugging his pants down, working on his shorts as soon as the pants were gone. He pulled her underwear off of her and her brain registered how it was frantic but not rough.
God, he was being so careful.
She pulled him back to her when they were both naked, but he didn't come. Instead he dropped to his knees, settling into the space between her thighs. She knew what was coming and she still wasn't ready for it. Probably because he was so intentional- so thorough. The light kisses to the inside of her thighs, were the skin was almost too sensitive. The way his thumbs parted her slowly, like he wanted to memorize the sight of her. His warm breath touching her first. Then his tongue- just enough to taste her, enough to let her know he's there.
Then he's kissing her like she wants to be kissed. Licking into her so good she doesn't know how she's not coming yet. She had forgotten- she had forgotten it could be this way. Her legs lock around him trying to pull him closer. He lets his teeth scrape across her clit and she keens from how good it feels. His hands leave her body completely and her eyes (that she hadn't realized had closed) open immediately. His hands are fisting the blanket on either side of her hips and that's when it hits her. His desire to touch her warring with his unwillingness to control her.
She comes so hard she sees white.
Her vision clears and she sees him hovering above her, eyes on hers- trying to read her. "You okay?" She can't breathe enough to form words, so she just nods- a bit frantically. His hips jerk forward at something he sees on her face and it puts him right where she wants him. He's hard and she's desperate so she doesn't want to wait. She pulls herself higher up on the bed and Nick follows. Then she flips their positions and sinks down onto him. He makes this strangled sound in the back of his throat that makes her clamp down around him. One of his hands goes to the back of her neck, pulling her down so he can kiss her. The other rests at the small of her back guiding her movements- keeping her steady. So fucking good
By the time they're done, she's come three times and he's come twice. Her muscles ache in the best possible way and she now knows what her name sounds like when it's being torn from him as he comes. God, this was a fucking terrible idea. Because she can never not want this now.
She gets dressed and walks to the door. He moves to follow her. "Don't." Her voice is wrecked and she's still a little breathless. Nick freezes in his tracks. "If you come over here- like that…" Naked, so fucking gloriously naked. God, how can she still want him so badly? They just finished. "I'll never leave and then we'll get caught. So just…stay there." He nods, but doesn't say anything- not that he needs to.
The smile in his eyes and the smirk on his face say more than enough.
My reputation's never been worse, so…
Exactly how many times can they call her a slut before it loses all meaning? Seriously, is that the worst insult they can think of? June stands in the hall as Aunt Lydia and Mrs. Waterford discuss the lack of gratitude that Handmaids have. 'How could they not realize how blessed they are that Gilead has given them this second chance at God's love?' Please, June knew the Bible well enough to know that this bullshit they had going on wasn't even close to what God's love looked like.
But she kept her head down- looked meek and humble. It was better that way. It kept them from watching her when she didn't want to be watched. Like when she snuck out to Nick's at night. Finally Mrs. Waterford dismissed her. June shot one sarcastic smirk Aunt Lydia's way, wishing she could just curse the self-righteous bitch out. But self-preservation was a strong thing.
She made her way through the kitchen, not stopping to speak to Rita. She couldn't handle any more passive aggressive comments or snide remarks. Stepping outside, June walked down the steps and behind the shrubs along the gate. No one looked for her there. It was a safe place for her to just think- without Serena glaring at her or the Commander leering at her.
She had been sitting there for a while when footsteps came from the direction of the garage. She peeked between the shrubs and saw two guardians walking the perimeter with Nick. She got distracted by the way his shirtsleeves were rolled up just right. Her mind imagined her hand wrapping around his tie, holding him close while he fucked into her hard. So she almost missed what the guardians were saying.
"It doesn't matter if she's fertile. They're all whores and there are plenty of women who are more worthy of bearing children than Handmaids." June's eyes went to Nick to see his reaction. He didn't seem to have one. Which didn't mean anything. He never let his thoughts show on his face. But still… "The only thing a handmaid deserves other than to be sent to the Colonies is a spot at Jezebels. A whore is always a whore." The other guardian flinched at the harsh words, but didn't say anything. Her eyes went back to Nick, though. So did the asshole who had been talking the whole time. "What about you, Blaine? What do you think of the Handmaid situation?"
June held her breath. She almost didn't want to know. She wasn't sure she could handle him seeing her the way everyone else in this fucked up place seemed to see her. "Don't know their story. Can't judge without the facts first." It wasn't an answer- they all knew it. But it wasn't not an answer either. And June could live with it. She could breathe through that. Because at least with Nick she could tell her story before he judged her.
The two guardians gave Nick an unimpressed looked before they continued on their circuit around the house. Nick stayed where he was. Then she saw it. His fist was tight enough that his knuckles went white. And his jaw clenched so hard she knew it had to hurt. Then he took a deep breath and shook his hand out and the moment was over. The anger and disgust she had seen on his face for those few seconds was gone.
But she had seen it.
Maybe she had someone who might see more than the fucked up reputation they had given her.
You must like me for me
She asked him about it once. Why he agreed to this, why he kept letting her in. He didn't answer right away. He handed her a book from his shelf and she let the subject drop. She knew she could get him to tell her, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know- not if he was reluctant. So she read. Then after she got bored with the story she crawled into his bed. The sex was amazing- which she was slowly getting used to. It was still her secret rebellion, her middle finger to the Waterfords. But it was more than that, too. Because Nick meant more to her than just a nice dick and a talented tongue.
He called her by her name. He listened to her Pre-Gilead political views. They had actual conversations that had depth to them. It was nice to be able to use her brain for more than survival. He let her control almost everything even though they were in his apartment: the music, what games they played- she liked poker, he liked monopoly- they never touched scrabble. She even got to pick whether the lights stayed on or off. Every choice, he let her make it.
They were lying in bed- him on his back, her on her stomach. It was how they usually ended up. One of his hands was playing with a lock of her hair. She had figured out that he liked her hair. Nick's hand paused for a moment and he said, "You aren't theirs." She propped herself up a little bit to look at him. "I let you in because you're strong and stubborn and smart. You haven't let them break you. I like that- I like you, June. That's why." Apparently he liked more than just her hair.
She wanted to tease him about it- let her inner twelve year old come out. But she didn't. Because his words meant a lot to her. This wasn't just sex. This wasn't just keeping the boredom at bay. He saw her- the person she really was. And he liked her- for herself and not her ability to produce a child. His hand went back to playing with her hair. She let her head rest against his shoulder.
"Oh. Okay."
"Okay."
Yeah, I want you
She was pregnant. She was pregnant and Serena Joy Waterford was going to steal her baby. June sat at the kitchen table, pretending to eat the food Rita had put in front of her. It looked good- probably tasted good, too. She knew she wouldn't be able to keep it down though- and not because of morning sickness.
Mrs. Waterford- that evil bitch- had gone out to visit Mrs. Putnam. The Commander was at work. And Rita had just left to go to the market. So June was alone. With nothing to do. Except think. She thought about Hannah and how easy that pregnancy had been. She thought about Luke and how happy they were when they found out. She thought about how she would survive in this house, knowing how this story ended.
She thought about Nick.
How do you tell someone you're carrying their child when he'll never be allowed to be the father? Would he be sad? Angry? Would he push her away again? It felt hypocritical to want him to be happy- she wasn't sure she was happy. No, she was sure- she wasn't happy. She was terrified and angry and… She should be happy about this baby. And this place- they stole that from her.
The back door opened and Nick walked in. He wasn't supposed to be in the house when she was home alone, but that didn't stop him. June watched as he went to the sink and washed his hands. He walked behind her chair to get to the refrigerator even though it was the long way, so he could kiss her hair. The casual affection- the way he didn't even think about it- brought tears to her eyes. She was having this man's baby- this sweet, kind gentle man. He deserved to be a dad. This baby deserved a father like Nick Blaine.
"June." She looked up, knowing he would see her red eyes. But she didn't want to hide. She wanted him to see her- like he always did. He put the sandwich that Rita had made for him back in the fridge and held his hand out to her. She took it and he pulled her up- gently, like always. "Come on."
He led her outside, careful to keep their hands hidden even though he didn't let go of her. He guided her up the stairs to his apartment and let her go in first. She stared at the bed in front of her. We made our baby in that bed. She pushed that thought away. Turning to face Nick she started to undress. He didn't move. She wasn't being rational. She wasn't thinking clearly. They both knew it. But she didn't care.
"I want you."
He shook his head, but didn't stop her. "It's too dangerous." She didn't care. She wanted this one moment for them before she told him. She wanted to hold onto one good thing before the news broke them apart. Because it would. He would distance himself. So she wanted this to hold onto at night in that cold room they made her sleep in.
She stepped out of the last of her clothes and walked naked to him. Her hand wrapped around his tie like she daydreamed about. She unbuttoned his shirt and took it off. Then she took off his belt and unzipped his pants. She didn't push them down- he would let her, but she wanted him to do it. She wanted him to want this.
He kicked off his shoes and stripped for her.
"I want you."
He picked her up and carried her to the bed. It was fast and almost too rough. But that was what she wanted. So he gave it to her. He had her moaning and keening and biting back screams. But he was almost silent. She didn't want that. "I want to hear you." The words threw off his rhythm, his hips stuttered and he had to readjust his arms to keep himself up properly.
A groan broke free and he bit the ball of her shoulder to keep it down. But she heard it- she reveled in it. She wanted more. And he fought so hard not to, but he gave her what she wanted. Always. Gasps, and groans, the smallest grunts when she moved her hips a certain way. Her name on his lips- it was perfect. This time she came without a sound and he had to muffle his.
They recovered in silence.
Then, "What happened, June."
"I'm pregnant."
We can't make any promises now, can we, babe?
"You're not going to grow up here."
She was laying in Nick's bed, drifting into unconsciousness when he said it. She blinked her eyes open to see him curled around her, his head resting on her still mostly flat stomach. He talked to the baby every time they could get a moment alone. Little things- 'Hi' or 'I love you'- quick and sweet. June loved it. She loved that he was so excited about their baby. And she hated it, because this was how it would always be. The Waterfords would send her away and Nick would have to love his child in secret- stealing little moments when he could.
But this was different. This was dangerous- to think, to say. He wasn't allowed to want it. "Nick." He doesn't look at her. That speaks volumes. It means that he knows what he's saying and he believes it and he won't let her talk him out of it. But she has to. Because thinking like that could get him killed. "Nick, we said no promises."
He pressed a kiss to her stomach, his thumb brushing over the place his lips had just touched. "I'm going to get you out of here. You and our baby. And Hannah." Her breath caught in her throat at her little girl's name. She wanted that so badly. To see her baby, to get them both to safety- away from this place. But Nick couldn't do it- she couldn't let him risk his life that way. She couldn't lose him.
"And how do I explain to our baby why her daddy isn't with us? How do I tell her that daddy died getting us out?"
He lifts his head to look at her. There's a look in his eyes she's never seen before. But it makes her feel safe and afraid all at once. Afraid for him. Afraid of what he'll do to keep her and her children safe. Then the look fades, changes to something more shy- hopeful. "You think it'll be a girl?" His voice was so soft. He was always soft with her, but this was wholly different.
Daddy's Little Girl, already, huh?
June's hand came out so her fingers could wind themselves into Nick's curls. "I don't know. It's just a feeling." She put on a nervous look that she didn't truly feel and watched as Nick shifted closer to her. Always trying to comfort her. "Do you want a boy?" She knew he didn't care. She had a feeling he'd be disappointed if it was a boy- just a little, though. He'd love this baby no matter what- she knew that.
He pressed his forehead to her stomach again. His hands settled along the flare of her hips. It made her want to climb on top of him again. "I want a happy, healthy baby. Boy or girl doesn't matter. But I like the idea of a little girl who's smart like her mom." June bit back a smile. This was what she wanted. To be a family- her, Nick, and their baby.
The radio on Nick's table came on and broke their little moment. "Blaine, Commander Waterford is ready to be picked up. And Mrs. Waterford is in route back to the house."
Nick let out a heavy sigh and pulled himself off of her. June tightened her hold on his hair just enough so that he leaned in and gave her one more kiss. Then he was pulling on his clothes and responding to the other guardians. "I'll be there in 15 minutes." June slowly sat up and put her own clothes back on. Nick's eyes never left her.
"Nick, don't. Please. No promises."
He didn't say anything, just pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead before he walked out the door.
But that was a promise, too.
But you can make me a drink
She was out of that house.
She was out of that house and she had no idea what was going on. Nick had told her to trust him and she had. And it had gotten her here- to the Boston Globe. But now she was alone and pregnant and had no idea what was happening. She had been too afraid to ask questions- not wanting to risk anyone seeing her. But she regretted that now.
It had been three days of silence. Three days without seeing another human being. There was enough food and water for another week. And she had found blankets in a storage closet. She assumed that this place was used for hiding people regularly now. So she wasn't uncomfortable. But she was still anxious.
The sound of the garage door opening sent June into a panic. She had combed through the place for anything she could use as a weapon and she had made sure to keep her living area away from the door and windows. But if someone had seen a light on… She gripped the handle of the hammer she kept with her. She wasn't going back without a fight. She wasn't. Footsteps came down the hall and she took a deep breath, steadying herself.
"June."
The relief hit her so hard she couldn't speak. Nick moved closer and the sound of his hesitant footsteps spurred her into action. She dropped the hammer and stepped out from behind the column she was hiding behind. She nearly fell into his arms, but it was okay because he caught her.
"You alright? What happened?"
She almost laughed until she remembered that none of this was funny. "You scared the hell out of me." His hand came up to cradle the back of her head, but she didn't want that. Her fear had turned to anger. She pulled away and started pacing in front of him. "What the hell, Nick? You tell me to trust you and then I'm taken to the fucking red center. Then you sneak me out of the hospital in a meat truck? What were you thinking?"
And in typical Nick fashion he didn't fucking say anything.
"Answer me, Nick! Do the Waterfords know I'm gone? They have to. Which means they're looking for me." She froze mid-step. "She'll hurt Hannah." Nick's brows furrowed in confusion. She hadn't told him about Mrs. Waterford's trip to see Hannah. "She said if anything happened to her baby she would hurt Hannah!" She ran a hand through her hair trying to control her breathing. Trying to organize her thoughts. She started walking towards the garage. "We're leaving, now. We're going to go get Hannah and we're gonna go north."
"No."
She turned around so fast she almost fell. "Excuse me?"
"No we're not. Hannah- we don't know where she is. And even if we did, there are going to be guardians all over that house. It's safer if we wait. You're safe here."
"I don't care." And she didn't. She really, really didn't. Fuck the Waterfords, and fuck the guardians, and fuck the Eyes. And fuck Nick, too, damn it.
"You can't get to her right now. I am going to get you out, and then I will get Hannah, okay? But it's safer here."
She shook her head. This wasn't going to go his way. Hannah was her baby. This was her child. She refused to let him make this decision for her. Because he had no right. "Not good enough. I'm not leaving her here. We're going to get her, right now."
"You're safe here!"
"Stop saying that!"
She marched up to him and didn't stop until they were toe to toe. "Give me the keys." He looked at her like she had lost her mind- and maybe she had. But she was getting Hannah, either way. "Give me the keys, Nick." He shook his head in exasperation and handed her the keys.
"I'm trying to get you out of here. I'm trying to keep you alive- you and our baby. But this is not the way to do it, June. I will get Hannah out, but I need more time." She turned to walk away but his hand on her arm stopped her. She spun around ready to tear into him, but he just shoved his gun into her hand. She stared at it for a second, then turned and walked to the car.
He didn't stop her.
She didn't leave.
So she fucked out her anger and fear and disappointment. And he fucked out his frustration and worry. It was way rougher than any time before. And they were both going to have bruises. But it was good. And they needed it.
He stood up from the blanket on the floor. She watched as he pulled his clothes on, her eyes locked onto the bite mark she had left on his neck. She kinda liked it. He left the room and she wondered if he was leaving the building, too. But he came back soon enough. He had a bag that he must have brought with him.
"I figured you'd want something other than water."
He pulled out a bottle of margarita mix and some club soda- both were technically contraband. The sex had worked out her anger and now she was just in awe of how thoughtful this man was. She wrapped the blanket around her and went to grab two cups from the break room. Then she settled down on Nick's lap and watched as he made her a drink.
"Thank you."
She was still scared and frustrated, but she wasn't alone. She had Nick. She had their baby. And she knew he would get Hannah for her soon. So, for now, she could put those thoughts away. She could focus on this man and this moment. She could enjoy her virgin margarita (that kinda sucked). She leaned into him a little more. He held her just a little tighter.
"You're welcome."
Is it cool that I said all that?
'I love you.'
He had told her he loved her. And she had made him fuck a fifteen year old. This place took everything good and broke it. The father of her baby was married to a literal child. A child he had never met and didn't want and hadn't known he was getting married to until she was standing in from of him in a white dress. It was illegal for June to be with him- although that hadn't stopped them before. But now they couldn't be together. Because he had a wife in his apartment now. And June was still trapped in this house with these monsters and she couldn't leave.
He told her he loved her. An 'I love you' should be a good thing. An 'I love you' should have been what made all of this worth it. But it just showed how truly fucked this place was. Because he hadn't been ready to say it- June knew that. He just hadn't wanted to have sex with someone else without her hearing him say it.
God, they gave him a fifteen your old bride. It was statutory rape. It was illegal. It was wrong. And yet, if he didn't they could kill him. Eden (the fuck kind of pious name is that?) had been there for a week and she was ready to call her husband a Gender Traitor. Nick wasn't gay he just didn't want a child bride. But he would be on the wall because she was trying to be devout.
And she had told him to go through with it. She had practically pushed him into Eden's arms and said, 'fuck her'. And he hadn't looked at either of them since. Which is how she knew he had done it. Because Eden was beaming and Nick couldn't be in the same room as either of them for more than ten seconds.
'I love you.'
Nick walked into the kitchen and June could feel his reluctance to come closer. Rita and Eden were in the garden, so they were alone. Like so many times before. She looked at him, waiting to see what excuse he would come up with to leave. But he didn't. He came closer, close enough to touch her. He knelt down so that he was looking up at her instead of down on her. He did that a lot.
"Is it okay that I said it?"
'I love you.'
He seemed so nervous, afraid almost. And it hit her. He wasn't avoiding her because he slept with Eden. He was trying to figure out how she felt about what he said. And honestly, she had no idea. She hadn't let herself think about how it made her feel. She had just let the anger and frustration and unfairness of the situation take over. That was easier. But he wanted to know. So she thought about.
Her hands came up to cup his face and let her forehead rest against his. Just for a second- just enough to be themselves again. His hand moved to rest on her- now rounded- stomach the way it always did when they were alone. Here, like this, they were all that mattered. Their little family was safe and happy and complete.
"Yes, it's okay."
I love you, too.
Is it chill that you're in my head?
He's in her head.
Not in a, 'I hear voices' kind of way. But more like 'this is totally what he would say' kind of way. When she's being snarky with Aunt Lydia. Or when she lets her defiant side show a little too much with Serena. That's when he pops into her head. 'June. Not like this.' Or sometimes it's not words at all. Mostly it's just the way he looks at her- the way his body language says exactly what his mouth won't.
She's memorized him. She's learned his expressions and what the lack of expression means in certain situations. She knows how he thinks and what's important to him. Knows so well, her mind can conjure the image when she needs his strength or his common sense or his humor.
She hates that she never knew Luke that way- not so completely.
Mrs. Waterford sits on the Commander's hospital bed. She brings his hands to rest on her stomach and June has to swallow to keep from throwing up in disgust. This is not their baby. This is her baby- hers and Nick's. But she stands still. She breathes through it. And her mind takes her back to the moment that she told Nick she was pregnant.
His eyes widened just enough to be noticeable. They were still naked in his bed. She was sure he'd pull away, tell her to leave. She was waiting for it. But it never happened. 'You're sure?' She nodded slowly, eyes focused on his chest and not his face. Then his hand landed on her stomach and he just let it rest there, thumb brushing gently across her bare skin. She took in a shuddery breath, and let her eyes fall to his hand.
'Don't. Please, don't. It's…terrible.'
His free hand gently cupped her jaw and turned her face to his. His eyes were smiling. And it broke her heart in the best possible way.
'No, it's not. It's ours.'
"Offred, Nick will drive you back to the house now. You should rest. This excitement isn't good for the baby."
June blinked herself out of her memory. She finally noticed the odd look on Serena's face. Then movement at the door had her eyes on Nick. She nodded quickly and followed him out of the room- out of the hospital. She glanced at him and almost rolled her eyes. His eyes were laughing at her. How did he do that? He helped her into the car and got into the driver's seat.
"Where were you, back there?"
His voice could laugh, too.
"I'm your bed."
His eyes met hers in the rearview mirror- heated and wanting. She loved that look. She loved what it meant and how it made her feel. And she loved that she put it there. She made him feel that way. She bit her bottom lip then let her tongue peek out to soothe the sting. Nick blinked, and then very deliberately turned his focus to the road. But she knew what he was thinking.
She was in his head, too.
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Eden kept watching her.
Every time they were in the same room, the girl's eyes found her and stayed on her. June had heard her asking Rita about her the other day. About how well she knew Nick, how long she'd been posted here. Dangerous questions from an innocent girl who had too much curiosity and not enough life experience. June had caught her watching Nick more too, when all three of them were in the room. Maybe not so innocent…
So she was more careful. She didn't look at Nick as much. She smiled less. He understood. He had noticed Eden's sudden curiosity, too. So he stayed away more- rarely came inside the house if he could avoid it. And he could usually avoid it. It made the days seem…less. But it was too dangerous to do anything else. If Eden suspected her and Nick were a thing... If she started asking questions to the wrong people… June couldn't risk Nick or this baby. And Nick would never do anything to put her in danger.
So she missed him more.
And she tried to steer clear of Eden. That wasn't too hard. It was easy to avoid the person sleeping with the man you loved. It was easy to stay away from the girl who wanted to have Nick's baby. And the more Eden watched her, the less guilty she felt about it. She couldn't be her friend. She couldn't take Eden under her wing. She didn't want to. The girl was a constant reminder of all the ways that Gilead could take the things June cared about.
So June found a balance. It was a delicate balance. Between being friendly and too friendly with Eden. Being cautious and paranoid with Serena. Engaging in acceptable banter and flirting with Nick.
It was all so, so delicate.
Is it cool that I said all that?
'In this place, you grab love wherever you can find it.'
That's what she told her. That's the advice she gave to an impressionable fifteen year old girl. A girl who had gone straight from her childhood home to her husband's bed. That was the advice she gave to the girl who wanted her husband- Nick- to love her. June laid in her bed trying to remind herself that Eden had the right to do what she wanted in her marriage. She told herself that Eden needed some hope in this hellhole. She tried to convince herself that she would be happy for the girl if Nick somehow found a way to soften towards her.
But she was lying to herself.
Because she didn't want Eden to be anywhere near Nick. She was jealous of a child and it was not something she was proud of. But those were the facts. She wanted to be the one in his bed every night. She wanted to be the one having all of his children. Nick's kindness, his softness- she liked being the one who saw that side of him. Being able to tell when he was happy or sad, tired or angry- being able to read him when no one else could.
She pulled herself out of bed and got dressed for the day. Rita was waiting when she got downstairs. It was the same routine as every morning. Except Eden wasn't there this morning. June felt bad for the relief that swept through her. But things had been both more and less tense since Holly- Nichole- had been born. So June half listened to Rita complain about her workload. And she absentmindedly went over the grocery list.
She let herself smile when Nick walked in. And she almost laughed when Rita teased him about Eden. It felt like before he was married. It felt like they could be happy in their little kitchen world again. June didn't even worry when Rita not-so-subtly left her and Nick alone. She would take any moment she could get. He took a half step closer to her and she took a half step closer to him. There was still an entire table between them, still respectable distance, but closer was closer.
"Wanna make out in the back of your car? It's been weeks since our last date and I have ideas." Nick gave her that teasing smirk she loved but rarely got to see. "We could run off, break curfew. Sneak back in after my dad goes to bed?" She took another step. Nick didn't. She frowned in confusion at him before putting on her teasing smile again. "What? Not sure you can handle all of this again so soon?"
But the teasing had left Nick's eyes and he was looking at her like something was actually wrong. She was going to ask, she wanted to know what had upset him. But then the Commander interrupted them. He told them that Isaac hadn't shown up for his shift. And everything made too much sense. It made so much sense it hurt.
'In this place, you grab love wherever you can find it.'
Then Waterford left and Nick moved to do the same. But she couldn't let him leave like this. "Nick," he paused mid-step, but didn't turn. "There has to be another explanation. She's too smart to do that, right?"
Nick turned to face her. She could see so much in his eyes. More than he had ever shown her at once, before. Pain, sadness, anger, but mostly she saw fear. And it hit her so hard she lost her breath. Because there was no good ending to this story. It had been bad before, but this was taking the turn towards tragic. He held his hand out to her and June took it- needing an anchor. Needing to hear him say it would be okay.
But he didn't say anything.
Please, God, don't let it end like this.
His hand slipped from hers as he walked away.
Is it too soon to do this yet?
June walked up the stairs to Nick's apartment.
It had been a few days since Eden. He hadn't spoken to anyone yet. He hadn't spoken at all from what she had gathered. So she was going to make sure he was alright. Not alright, she knew he wasn't alright. But she needed to check on him. She didn't want him to be alone.
She knocked on the door, but he didn't answer. So June tried the doorknob. It turned, and she pushed the door open and stepped inside. It had been a long time since she had been in this place. It looked different. It felt different. Eden had changed so much in her time here. And now that was all gone. She was gone. June closed the door.
Nick sat on the bed his head in his hands. He didn't look up. He didn't move at all. June took a hesitant step towards him. She wasn't scared of him- she knew that no matter where his head was, Nick wasn't capable of hurting her. But she was scared. She was scared of how isolated he was.
There was a piece of paper on the bed next to him. It had been folded into fourths at one point. Then it had been crumpled up. She was curious, and she had a feeling it was from Eden. But that could wait. So she sat on the other side of Nick. It felt wrong to be sitting on the bed he shared with his wife. But it felt like coming home at the same time.
It's too soon to be here.
But she didn't leave. She let her hand take hold of Nick's wrist and gently pull his hand from his face. It was like a switch flipped. His hands fell to his lap and he sat up straight. But she didn't let go. She wanted him to feel her, to know that she was still with him. June laced her fingers through Nick's and let their hands rest on his thigh.
"She apologized to me."
June turned to face him properly. Tears were welling in her eyes, but this wasn't about her so she didn't let them fall. Nick turned his head slowly to look at her- then past her. She followed his line of sight to the window. But she didn't see what held his attention. The curtains blocked the view. The curtains that hadn't been there before Eden arrived. The curtains in the girl's favorite color. The yellow curtains.
"She was sorry because she loved him and she didn't want to have my baby." June let her head fall to his shoulder. She squeezed his hand the tiniest bit. "I told her to tell them what they wanted to hear, but she didn't want to lie." June's tears soaked into the fabric of Nick's jacket. "I should have been kinder."
June didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to make this better for him. Because the truth was, there was no way to make it better. Eden was gone and nothing she said could bring the girl back. And she couldn't take Nick's guilt away. She couldn't take her own guilt away. Guilt for loving Eden's husband. Guilt for wanting Eden gone… Not like this- never like this, but still. Guilt for the last words she said to her. Guilt for still wanting Nick and needing him and not being able to let him go.
"Eden was a sweet, naïve girl. And this place tears good things apart. It twists them and makes them wrong." She pulled away enough to look at Nick. "But not her, not Eden. Gilead didn't break her. You didn't break her, Nick. She was strong- and she was brave. And no matter what those monsters out there say- she died with honor."
"She died."
It was too soon.
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
She cradled Holly close to her chest as she crouched by the edge of the field.
June still couldn't let herself feel hope. She was being driven by desperation. She was being fueled by fear. But not hope- not yet. Not until she and her baby were safely in Canada. She hadn't even known what was happening until Rita dragged her out of her room. And she had been sure that Serena was going to see her leaving with Holly every step she made through the garden. But if Serena had seen her she didn't say anything.
June held Holly tighter as she remembered Nick's goodbye. He had met them at the back gate. She'd had a hundred questions to ask him, but there was no time and no words. So she just hugged him, as tight as she could without squishing Holly between them. Nick had run a finger along Holly's cheek and told her he loved her. Then he pressed a kiss to June's temple and said, 'I love you. Trust me.' And like the last time he had asked, she did.
The sound of a motor caught June's attention. A van was stopped at the edge of the tunnel and the headlights flashed three times- just like the Martha had said. June checked around her, making sure no one was wandering the street or watching from somewhere. Then she stood up and rushed towards the van. The back door swung open and there was Emily. June felt her face stretch into a huge smile. Then her eyes caught the bundle of pink lying next the Emily.
"Hannah?"
Emily took Holly from her so that June could get in, but she was moving on autopilot. Her eyes never left Hannah's sleeping form. The door slamming shut startled Holly and she began to cry. That finally snapped June back into the moment. She reached her arms out for her daughter and Emily handed her over.
"How is she here? How are you here?"
But if Emily actually answered June didn't hear it, because Hannah blinked her eyes open. June watched as her little girl woke up and took in her surroundings. She saw Hannah's confusion and fear. Had no one explained what was happening? Then Hannah's eyes finally settled on Holly squirming in June's arms.
"You had your baby?"
June smiled and nodded. She held Holly tighter as they hit a bump in the road, but uncovered her face so Hannah could see her sister. "Yeah, I did. Her name is Holly- like your Grandma Holly." Hannah didn't respond. She didn't seem upset, but she didn't seem happy either. That was okay. It was a lot to take in for a little girl. Especially a little girl who had been through what Hannah had.
For the first time it really started to sink in for June. This wasn't going to be easy- for any of them. They were going to have to relearn each other. And everything was so delicate right now. How Hannah would cope, how June would cope. The feelings that should be automatic and strong had been twisted and broken and they would have to be handled with care. But June could handle delicate.
She could handle anything, now.
She had her girls and they were getting out.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep, are you ever dreaming of me?
She hated sleeping next to Luke.
It's not that she didn't miss him or didn't still love him- she did. But sleeping next to him made her feel guilty. Because she compared him to Nick. They hadn't had sex yet, so it wasn't like that. But she compared the way they breathed and the way they moved while they slept. She compared the way they held her. And Luke's breathing was too heavy, too easy. Nick was always semi-alert, he slept lightly and his breathing reflected that. Luke sprawled out in bed and he tossed and turned- he always had. But June had gotten used to sleeping alone. Then she got used to sleeping with Nick- and he only moved if she did, accommodating her even in his sleep.
Then there was the way Luke held her, tightly like he was afraid she'd disappear. She understood that feeling. There were nights she could not put Holly down- could not stop holding Hannah. But it was suffocating with Luke. His hands somehow always found her wrists and it reminded her of Serena holding her down for the Ceremony. It was awful. But with Nick…He had held her securely, she had known he wouldn't let anyone take her from him. But she could still breathe. And he held her around her waist- his hands in the same place that he held her during sex. It was familiar in a good way- something the Waterford's had no connection to.
She hated sleeping next to Luke. So she didn't sleep much. Instead she would lie there and think about everything she had to do the next day. Everything she hadn't done the day before. She thought about Moira and Emily, Janine and Alma. She imagined the Waterford's after they realized that she and Holly were gone.
She thought about Nick.
It was a different kind of guilt then. Lying in bed with her husband- thinking about another man. Comparing them was bad enough. But actively remembering the way Nick touched her. Consciously thinking of all the moments they shared that made her fall in love with him. It wasn't right- it wasn't fair to Luke. He had been waiting for her to come back to him. He had been faithful to her even though he couldn't know for sure that she was alive- not at first. Not before Moira escaped and Nick went with the Waterfords.
But she hadn't been faithful. She still wasn't. Because she wondered what Nick was doing almost every minute of the day. She wondered if he was safe, if he had been assigned another wife, if the Eyes had taken him. She wondered if he thought about her. Wondered if he dreamed about her the way she dreamed about him. If she visited him in his dreams and loved him the way she wanted to. Because he did- he showed up in that dream world and it was so real sometimes she woke up embarrassed by how wet she was.
She wondered if Luke knew- if he realized that her mind was somewhere else. She wondered if he could see the way she missed Nick in the way she looked at Holly. She had told him the truth. A simplified version- the version that didn't make it look like she had been unfaithful on purpose. God, she was a bitch.
Luke shifted beside her and June forced herself not to sigh. Which made her feel guilty. She was so sick of feeling guilty. She rolled unto her back and stared at the ceiling. It was blue- almost the same shade as Mrs. Waterford's room. Luke said he would paint it. She wasn't holding her breath. She listened to Luke breathe. She let the deep, easy in and out of his respirations lull her into a fugue.
'I think about it, you know. The three of us- what we could be. I think about it all the time'
'We should just run away somewhere. Start over. Like a real family'
'I wanna take her to the park. I dream about it sometimes.'
I dream about it, too, Nick.
Sometimes when I look into your eyes, I pretend you're mine, all the damn time
He was in Canada
Nick had never really thought that he'd get out. He had been sure that after he kept Commander Waterford from finding June and Holly that he would die. But instead he had been beaten and tortured for information until Waterford was convinced Nick really hadn't been a part of the escape. Then he was brought back to the Waterford's and went back to doing his job. So having Rita come to him one night and tell him the Marthas were going to help get him and another Handmaid to the border had been a surprise. Even more when Rita said it was because she owed him. Nick didn't think anyone in Gilead owed him anything.
Except the Waterfords- for trying to claim his daughter.
So he had followed Rita's instructions. And he had met up with the Handmaid. Janine. She had a little girl with her- the Putnam baby. They had hidden in the bottom of an export truck, the baby given a small dose of Benadryl to keep her asleep. That had bothered Nick. It made him wonder if Holly or Hannah had been drugged when they escaped. But Baby Charlotte woke up an hour after they crossed the border into Canada. And Nick got caught up in trying to navigate the refugee center.
It had been a shock when June had shown up at the center looking for him. It had been a blow to the gut when her husband- Luke- had walked in behind her holding Holly in his arms- like she was his. But he had kept quiet. He had told Luke that Holly was Waterford's- he couldn't just make a claim on her without talking to June.
But then Luke was watching him warily even as he handed Holly over. Nick tried to look indifferent. He tried not to seem too attached. But he knew he was failing. This was his little girl and he had thought he would never see her again.
"June told me the truth. Thank you for getting my girls out of there."
It was like he had staked a claim on all three of them: June, Hannah, and Holly. It was as if Luke had decided- or June and Luke, together- that Holly would be his from now on. That Nick would just be the sperm donor in the situation. He stared at Luke with the same face he had worn every day for years in Gilead. But he held Holly a little tighter. "No problem."
June stepped between them, nudging Luke back a little. "Holly, you remember your daddy, right?" Nick finally let his eyes settle on June. She was carefully avoiding his eyes. But he was used to it. So he focused back on Holly. She was looking up at him calmly with a curious expression. He wondered if she would always look at him that way- if he would always be a stranger to her. "I lucked out. She's been such a good baby- hardly fusses at all."
Nick gave a slow nod. She was trying too hard to be normal. She was trying too hard to make this normal.
Nick saw Luke shifting from the corner of his eye. He caught the way his hand landed on June's waist, pulling her into his body a little bit. But that wasn't Nick's business. He had to focus on Holly. So he was surprised when June turned her head and asked Luke if he could give them a little space- some time alone. He was more surprised that Luke only hesitated for a moment before turning and going back outside. June turned back to face him and Holly. "Let's go sit down for a sec, okay?"
Nick just took a breath and nodded, following her lead. She sat at a bench in a secluded corner of the refugee center and Nick did the same, cradling Holly closer to him. There were a million things he wanted to say. None of them were things he could say. And he wasn't the best with words. But they had never really needed them before. That was in Gilead, though- when words were too dangerous to speak and silence had to take on new meanings.
"Nick. Look at me."
He did. He turned to face her properly, taking in every feature of her face. She looked the same, but also different. Her hair was shorter, but her eyes were brighter. Happier. And for a moment he let himself pretend. He let himself think it was because of him. He let himself get lost in the idea that he could make her that happy- that she would let him. That she was his. Because he was already hers- he didn't have to pretend about that.
"I still love you, you know. And I still want so many things with you. Everything with you." Nick held his breath while he waited for the rest- the part he didn't want to hear. "But I have a family with Luke and Hannah. And she needs time to have her family together properly, before I tear it apart."
There was nothing he could do but nod. There was nothing he could say to change her mind- and it wasn't his place to try. He knew she'd let him see Holly as often as he wanted. And he knew that she meant it when she said she loved him. So he sat on the bench in the refugee center. He held his little girl, memorized her face and her smell and just her.
And every now and then, he'd look at June.
He'd meet her eyes and pretend…
'Cause I like you
She left Luke.
It wasn't easy. It wasn't anything close to how she had dreamed her relationship would end. It wasn't what she wanted- ever. But she needed it. She needed to let him go. Because she couldn't be the woman he married. That woman had died. She had heard Gilead kill her husband, she had her child stolen from out of her arms- two children. Her name was taken, her career, control over her body- all of it had been stolen from her. And a woman can only live so long with no choices before there is nothing left of her.
Her heart may have been beating and her brain may have been functioning but June Osborn- wife of Luke Bankole, editor, fashion lover, daughter- had died. And in her place a new woman came to life. This new June was stronger. This new June was harder. This new June had lived through terrors that no one should have to endure. And she had come out the other side. She had found herself. She had found new friends. She had found new love.
She still loved Luke. She would always love Luke. And Hannah was just as much the center of her world as the day she was born. But now it was a different love. She and Hannah had been through something traumatic that Luke couldn't understand. Their bond was stronger because of it. But June and Luke… the people they were now didn't have the love that a marriage could survive on.
So she left. She left and she moved on. Hannah was fine with it. Holly was too young to understand or care. And Luke knew that they couldn't go back. So she found an apartment and made it a home for her girls. She filled it with all the things that Gilead would have stolen from them. But mostly she filled it with love and laughter and safety.
And safety meant Nick.
It was slow- almost torturously slow. He took Holly every afternoon, but only came over for dinner twice a week. He was polite to Hannah, but it took weeks before he tried to have an actual conversation with her. And June understood- she knew why. This was new for all of them. And he didn't want to move too fast or push too hard. But it killed her because she wanted them to be a them. She wanted them to be a family. And she wanted it now.
But eventually it happened. Eventually Hannah ran up to Nick with the same enthusiasm that she did Luke. Eventually he knew her favorite cereal and the way she liked her hot chocolate. Eventually Hanna got used to Nick being there when she woke up in the morning. And finally, finally, he stopped asking if 'we' included him. And that was when she knew that they would be okay. That was when she knew they were ready- all of them.
So here she sat, on the park bench that they always came to, when they brought the girls to the park. Nick sat beside her, calm and happy in a way she never thought she would see him while they were in Gilead. She felt a smile pulling at her lips. This was the man who knew her better than anyone. This was the man who loved every single part of her because he had seen every single part of her. And she wanted him. Forever.
"Why are you staring?"
Her smile widened. "'Cause I like you." She loved the way he blinked really fast when he was surprised- like right then. He turned his head to look at her and June couldn't hold the words in anymore. "Marry me." And if she had been asking anyone else she would have been nervous at how quiet Nick got- how still. But she wasn't- because she knew him just as well as he knew her.
"Why me?"
She slid closer to him on the bench, her chin resting on his shoulder. "'Cause I love you." His smile started slow- like it always did. But she loved that about him too, how shy he was with his happiness. Then it was a full smile, and she could see every bit of joy on his face and in his eyes. And it matched her feelings exactly. Because this was what they wanted and it was what they deserved and no one was going to take it away from them.
He kissed her. He kissed her and it lasted forever and ended too soon. It was innocent and erotic. It was them. It was them and it was perfect. Nick pulled away slowly, leaving just enough space that their lips wouldn't brush. His forehead was pressed gently against hers and his hands were cupping her cheeks. Her arms draped around his neck, keeping them close, keeping them in their own world.
"I like you, too."
She laughed.