Something I Can't Have

AN- This is based on the "shooting star" deleted scene from the movie, if you don't own it on DVD fret not, it's available on you tube. I loved this little moment between Jack and Rose and was inspired to expand on it.

This story is slightly AU in that Rose will deal with Cal a bit post sinking. And I tried to paint a slightly different picture of Cal than the film did, everyone love's a villain, but I love a villain with a drunken soft spot.

"Aren't we supposed to wish on it?"

Jack paused, his expression growing immediately serious as he gazed down at her face, pale blue and beautiful in the moonlight. She was gazing at the stars with reverence that he didn't expect from a poor little rich girl. "Why, what would you wish for?" It was as scandalous as asking her whether she loved Cal. The possibility that she might…that she even could say…

Rose's expression was just as serious just as quick and she wanted to tell him the truth, and he could see it all over her face. She shuddered. "Something I can't have."

Rose didn't remember anything after Jack had made her swear her life, her future, to not let go of that. She remembered a few sounds, but no sensation. Not even the cold bore a presence in her shaken mind. Now that the adrenaline of riding the ship half way to death's door had faded, she was caught in the bliss of the unknown. It was warm and comforting and she had no desire to come back to reality any time soon. But after a while the darkness of the calm gave way to light and when she couldn't possibly dream about dancing in third class any longer, her lids were red with the light that was trying to break through. As red as blood.

Her eyes snapped open at the thought, and she glanced around the sparsely decorated room around her. There was a small end table with a small basin and a cross nailed to the wall, and if anything else could have said infirmary more clearly, she might be surprised. Blinking, she sat up a little, and looked down at the blanket that was wrapped so tightly around her, it was wool, and honestly the warmest she had ever been in. Blue and gold and green and full of warmth.

Jack.

"Jack?" She shed it quickly and looked around, the room was very small and empty, no way someone was in there with her. She stood and wobbled on her legs, feeling like gelatin at first, and pushed past the discomfort to hurry to her feet. Still dressed in the lilac dress and Cal's coat, she tugged the blanket up around her shoulders and darted into the passage outside her door. A nurse was just coming to check on her, and the young woman hurried to help her walk.

"Miss, are you all right? You should be resting."

"Jack I need…to know where he is, I. I was with him when I was waiting."

"Afraid we didn't keep track of who was with who," The nurse admitted. "He might be awake already. What was his name?"

"Dawson. Jack Dawson."

"Ah," Rose nearly wept with relief at the smile on her face. "Mr. Dawson has been sketching up a storm on deck, Ma'am. He did mention he was waitin' on you to wake up. Rose is it?"

"Yes!" She laughed. "Please take me to him."

They made the trip up above and sunlight was so very welcome on her face again, warming the skin a little more than even the blanket. There were people huddled together crying, people searching through lists of survivors, people holding tightly to their loved ones. But the moment she saw the familiar blonde of the back of her lover's head, she made a run for him.

Jack must have heard her heels clicking, or just sensed that she was among the living. Turning around, his face lit up in a grin and he dropped his things. They were moving at the same speed, and reached each other much the same way they had on the ship after she had jumped from the lifeboat. Jack swept her into his arms and inhaled her scent again, tainted by the sea, but still Rose. And she cried into his shirt for a few moments. "I had this terrible dream…"

"Shhh." He whispered. "The nightmare is over, Rose. Today is a whole new day on a whole new boat."

Pulling back she ran her thumbs over his face, and checked him visually for any sign that he might not be himself. "Are you all right?"

"Got some frostbite," He admitted softly. "But nothing that won't heal up in the next few weeks." He brushed her hair from her eyes. "Are you okay? You were out pretty good.."

"I think I was just exhausted." They laughed together and Rose looked around. Free of Cal and her overbearing mother and the standards that she had been raised to uphold for so long, she actually felt better than she had her entire life. She looked at him again and draped her arms around his neck. "Jack."

He sighed as he bent his head to press his forehead to hers. "Rose."

She smiled at him and whispered. "This is what I would have wished for." Before she pressed her mouth to his in a gentle, but firm kiss. Jack responded with passion that surprised them both, and as they stood, surrounded by agony and heartbreak, the world seemed to right itself, just a little bit.

One Year Later.

As Jack helped her climb out of the car, Rose was immediately stuck with the memory of exiting Cal's Car near the dock, especially as Jack's hand closed around hers and pulled her forward. When she looked up, she half expected the ship to be there, taking up all of the sky before them, but instead, there were only the listing waters of the Hudson river. As soon as her feet were firmly planted on the ground, she tucked her hand into Jack's, and with a loving glance at one another, Jack noting the sorrow in her eyes, they followed the groups of people toward Chelsea Piers.

A year ago they had docked here, at Pier 54 on the Carpathia. The lifeboats were dropped off on another pier, and they had been escorted to immigration to sort out their lives. It was on Ellis Island, just a short bit away, that Rose had discovered Cal's necklace in her pocket.

Standing in the pouring rain, staring at the great statue, Rose had shoved her hand into Cal's outer coat and felt ice. Confused, she had grasped it and drawn it out, only to discover the great jewels that Cal had given her. She stared in horror, shock and wonder until she heard Jack walk back over.

"They said…holy shit!"

Her first instinct was panic, here she was, among a mass of people who had nothing left and she had found wealth that she couldn't imagine. She looked at Jack with wide eyes. "I…I didn't take this. I had no idea, he put the coat on me…"

"It's okay." He quickly tugged her into his arms, and tried desperately to think of something to do with the gems before they were caught and accused of stealing it. "Just keep it hidden, Rose. Keep it out of sight and we'll be okay."

"Sir? Madam?" They turned to look at the Crewman from Carpathia in tandem, and unseen, her hand slipped the necklace back in her pocket. "Can I take your names, please?"

"Jack Dawson," Jack replied softly.

"And you love?"

Rose glanced to him, having gotten distracted by the statue again. She was reminded that here, she was free. Free to be with Jack, free not to ever have to see Cal or her mother again. So long as they didn't know that she had survived. "Dawson," Jack was staring intently at her, and there was a sort of bewildered joy in his eyes as she continued. "Rose Dawson."

The service was lovely, they kept mostly to the back, and watched as a wreath of flowers was lowered into the water. And they were silent, thinking about the friends they had lost. Rose particularly remembered Mr. Andrews and even Trudy. She and Jack had avoided the papers headlines about both British and American inquiries into the sinking, the fault didn't take the night back. J. Bruce Ismay could not buy away the time they spent in the freezing water. It would only keep them from moving on,

At one point, Cal made a speech, and spoke in a well crafted, tearful voice about the tragic death of his 17 year old fiancee one year ago. He of course, was engaged again, and while she hid between several men, Rose eyed the young girl that was waiting for him to finish. About her age, and slender, blonde. He certainly had upgraded. She scoffed at the idea and Jack lead her to one of the following banquets in the victim's honor. They had made a few friends of survivors that they hadn't known on the ship, and it was a nice way to sit down to dinner and catch up.

At one point during the evening, she needed to use the restroom, and after a few stolen kisses from Jack, she slipped off and let him continued talking to a friend. She'd made it down the hallway of the house that held the feast and stopped in her tracks when she saw Cal speaking to someone. He was facing her and there was no getting out of it, the moment he saw her his champagne glass hit the floor and he hurried over to see her closer. "Rose? Darling?"

She took a deep, steady breath and smiled gently. "Hello, Cal." She certainly hadn't forgotten his actions on the ship in it's final moments, but this was neither the time nor the place to get into it.

Cal, to her surprise, was immediately in tears. And he staggered over and wrapped her in a hug. "I thought…we looked for you. We checked the lists."

She patted his back and numbly stood under his weight. "I didn't give them my birth name, Cal. I gave them my married name."

He stood straight enough to look into her eyes and blinked. "You?"

"We were married on Carpathia."

"I see," He stood straight. "Then Dawson lived, too?'

"Yes." She made to escape. "I just need to…"

"Rose, do you remember when our life was what you wanted?" He was clearly drunk and still his sorrows were not drowned. She stared at him for a moment as her eyes watered a little, because she did. As forced as it all was, she had consented to the marriage. She could have run, she could have lived this life years ago and yet she hadn't. She had tried to open her heart to him, as he had asked and there had been a few very brief happy moments.

Her heart pounded oddly at the thought. "Cal, that was a long time ago and I was a completely different person, then." He tried to reach out to her but she remembered the sting of his slap and ducked away, forgetting her need to relieve herself. She hurried back to the other room and to Jack, sweeping her things up, forgotten tears falling from her eyes.

The young artist looked up at his wife and immediately his smile vanished. "What's wrong?"

"We have to go." They said hurried goodbyes and left. By the time Cal came dashing into the dining room, there was no sight of them.

Jack hailed them a cab, and waited until they were safely seated inside before he addressed their sudden departure. His hands immediately folded over hers, which were sitting in her lap. "Rose, you're going to give me a heart attack one of these days," He joked lightly, smiling softly. She managed a little smile but was still obviously upset. "What's wrong? Are you…feeling okay? Is it the baby?"

She shook her head quickly, and squeezed his hands for good measure. "No it…I saw Cal. That's all."

Jack was quiet for a long moment, and he bent his head to press a kiss to her temple. "Should we be worried?"

She shook her head. "No. Just had a lot of bad memories rush back."

He watched her with a helpless sigh and slid sideways to bend down, resting his head in her lap. It was obvious, at least to him, at this point. She was pleasantly rounder in some places, though she hid it well. She was terribly superstitious and wanted to wait until the last minute to announce their impending child, but Jack didn't care either way. The idea of being a father had always appealed to him, and even though they certainly hadn't been trying, he had hoped they would have a few children the moment they were pronounced man and wife.

"Well don't let him get you worked up, okay? You remember what the doctor said about stress." He turned his head to nuzzle her belly, and pressed a soft kiss, delighting in her soft giggle.

"I remember," She whispered, running her hands through his hair. Her mind drifted to the memory of standing on the stern of the ship with the cold wind tossing her hair around her shoulders. She remembered the immediate relief that the breeze had brought her, and the relief that the thought of her freedom instilled in her.

And then there had been Jack. And that freedom had become wonderfully complicated.

The cab stopped at their apartment, above a bakery, which had proved most convenient with the pregnancy. Jack paid the driver and helped her out, and up the stairs. "C'mon," He whispered. "I have a surprise for you."

Jack's surprises were frequent and always wonderful. Despite the lack of income, he managed to think of thoughtful ways to brighten her day and she so looked forward to them. Stepping into their little loft, he took her hand and lead her to the bedroom. Before opening the door he drew her into his arms for a sweet kiss, which lead to several sweeter kisses and nearly distracted him from the task at hand. But he withdrew just in time and winked at her before he opened the door and flicked on the light switch.

Against the far wall, a crib had been set up, and was made up with new bedding, something he had saved for for over a month. Above it, Jack had hung a framed print of one of Monet's Water Lilies. Rose was beside herself at first, covering her mouth with her hand, her eyes full of unshed tears that quickly leaked onto her cheeks. "Oh, Jack."

He wiped the wetness from her face and kissed her cheek, wrapping his arms around her and settling his chin on her shoulder. "I did it this morning when you went out."

"Jack, this is beautiful." She sobbed quietly and turned in his arms to look up at him. "I never dreamed that my life would be like this. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

He smiled at her. "You know, I saw you. Before I met you. And I thought there was an angel on board."

She smiled lightly, her eyes full of mischief. "I guess I showed you."

They laughed together and he shook his head. "Knock that off." He studied her face, lifting a hand to brush his fingers across her cheek. "Do you ever miss being filthy stinking rich?"

She thought about it for a moment. "Sometimes," She admitted. "But certain things, not as a whole. I miss the convenience. But not the lifestyle. I don't miss feeling like I did. I don't miss being a pawn." She smiled a little. "Besides one day you're going to sell our ticket to Chippewa Falls and we'll be rich together and our kids will go ice fishing on Lake Wissota…"

He laughed, though his face was jokingly pained. "I think our kids are going to stay far, far away from ice water."

"Good point." She laughed a little. "I guess my point is that I'm more interested in our future than my past."

He smiled at her and stole a kiss, wrapping his arms around her before burying his face in her neck. "I love you."

"I love you too," She held him for a long moment, and then started to wiggle loose from him. "Now let go! I really, really have to use the bathroom now!"