Part one for all those dedicated MI fans who still hold onto the dream… This takes place just prior to the Series ending Colima trip.
The Virtue of Catnaps
Stillness had reached the Chicago Baptist Hospital cardiac wing for the first time in 3 days. The NIH team had been catching catnaps between crises, except for one. Stephen Connor led the group of doctors in an effort to save the young people who had been suffering unexplained heart attacks. The cause had been determined yet again through what Powell called Connor's psychic ability. All they could do now was wait for the treatment's response. Natalie Durant fought to stifle her yawns as she made her way to the designated war room, who's previous incarnation had been an unused cafeteria. Stephen hadn't slowed down since their arrival, which was normal. But he had seemed overly tired today. Now was the perfect time for him to rest. Tomorrow would come soon enough. As would the expected argument. She found him at his laptop, likely contingency planning for a negative response from his patients.
She found herself enthralled by his silhouette against the dimly lit room. His black t-shirt showed every muscle in his strong upper body. The moonlight from the window lit his white-blond hair, and she swore he looked like an angel; an angel with the devil's temperament.
"Stephen?" She whispered from the doorway, not wishing to startle him. He failed to acknowledge her, focused solely on his work. But he'd heard; the subtle shift in posture said as much. "We can't do anymore tonight. Get some sleep."
"Later." His preoccupied voice was laden with exhaustion.
She stood behind him, bringing both hands up to massage his shoulders. The tension in his muscles told her all she needed to know. Almost imperceptibly, Stephen leaned back into her touch and she smiled. Had Eva attempted this, there would have been a vicious scolding. Natalie supposed she should feel privileged.
"You're going to collapse if you don't get some rest."
He shook his head. "When I'm done."
Applying extra pressure to prove her point, Nat was not taking a no. Already vowing not to sleep again herself until he did, the yawn she awkwardly stifled made her sleepiness more pronounced. "You'll think more clearly in the morning. Let this go for a while."
She felt him tense under her grasp and she slowly removed her hands. All of his 'back off' signs were well catalogued in her brain.
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine." And no mirror was needed to debate that.
Her insistence obviously hit a nerve. He turned back to the screen. "I'll get this done faster with less… distractions."
It was rather warming to be considered a distraction. Leaning over him, Nat laid a hand on the laptop cover and closed it. Stephen turned his unnaturally blue eyes to her with a mixture of annoyance and fatigue.
"I told you, I'm fine."
"And I've heard that before. I don't buy it tonight."
"Natalie…"
"You don't eat enough, you don't sleep enough. You're as tense as Miles on evaluation day." Natalie spoke firmly, refusing to acknowledge the grin he very nearly let show at the last comment. "I'm worried about you. And you're not helping." And with that, the grin was gone.
"That's not your job." He fired back before taking a deep breath. "There's more than just this case to deal with." His voice betrayed a forced calm as he lifted the computer cover.
Natalie threw up her hands. "Let someone else deal with it. Whatever it is. You can't go days on ends without rest."
Connor's eyes left hers as he shook his head. "I don't need a lecture."
"What do you need?" She demanded before she could catch her words. They were venturing into the personal, a dangerous path they both typically ran from.
"I need to finish this." He spoke in a softer tone, signaling the end to the discussion.
"You know what I need?" At his silence, she continued. "I need to know what goes on in your head sometimes." She ran a hand through her hair, knowing the battle was lost.
"Nat, find something to do or turn in. Please." He dismissed her and returned to his work. Natalie huffed in frustration, stalking out of the room and directly into Powell. He put his hands up defensively.
"Slow down, girl. What's the rush?"
"He drives me insane!" She declared and Frank didn't need to ask whom. He steered her down the empty corridor, out of earshot of the old cafeteria.
"It's part of the boss's charm. So, what now?"
Where should she start? "He's beyond exhausted and refuses to take a moment's rest."
Frank chuckled, knowing Stephen far too well to be surprised. "And… this is unusual?"
"He makes sure everyone else gets rest on these long trips. And he's not above intimidation. Ask Miles. But himself?"
A sigh. They'd had this conversation before and nothing changed. "Man's driven. Always has been, always will be." Powell explained as though it should be sufficient.
Natalie groaned, not at all satisfied. "But does he have to be so…" Was there even a word for it?
"Look, there's… something in him that won't leave him be. So he doesn't need us harping on him."
Natalie sighed. "If he doesn't start taking care of himself…"
Eva Rossi entered the hallway, taking in the serious looks of the pair before her. "Problem?"
"No," Frank smiled. "S'all good."
"Okay." Eva shrugged, straightened her designer pant suit and marched into the war room. Simultaneous wishes of good luck ran through Frank and Natalie's heads.
Powell turned back to Nat to see her anger had dissipated somewhat by the interruption. "Nat, Connor's had an aversion to sleep since I've known him. He says his brain doesn't turn off. He doesn't know how to stop and he's not gonna change."
Nat shook her head. "But it's been worse lately. You've seen it. He'll fall apart one day because no one forced him to stop."
Laying an understanding hand on her shoulder, Frank sighed. "You can't force him to do anything. Especially right now. The divorce has been hard on him. So let him alone, okay?"
Powell walked away, not catching the stunned expression that slammed into her. Divorce? When did this happen. Her brain tried to sort through the emotions the news created. Images came unbidden to her mind. His arm around her shoulder as she cried against his chest; her hand on his shoulder after the Caribbean case; her arms thrown around his neck at the ice station. He was divorced. He was…single. And he kept this pain to himself, as always. Work was his drug of choice, she knew. And it had cost him dearly.
An hour passed in the company of patients, checking the margin of improvements. They were so young, just beginning to scratch the surface of adulthood. Most didn't know what they wanted to be yet. There had to be fairness in her world and Natalie just couldn't find it some days. So she looked for something else. Or someone.
She found Connor by the window, the computer still humming on the table. His customary black coffee was in hand, the need for caffeine not unusual for him. The heavy rain had his partial attention; the rest of his focus was elsewhere.
"I can be trusted, you know," she began.
He seemed to consider this for a moment. "I know."
"Do you?" Standing before him, she felt the tension radiating from him. "Then don't shut me out. Talk to me."
"Drop it, Nat." Anger tinged his voice, but she pressed on.
"I can't do that." His jaw tightened and she knew she was pushing far too hard.
"I don't want to fight with you."
She grinned, "Why not? People already think we're married."
That earned her the slightest smile. "So I hear."
Turning to the rain, she followed the streams of water gliding down the glass. A series of lightening bolts struck and she watched the brilliant light catch his ice blue eyes, turning them clear.
Stephen sensed her studying him and turned to her. Summoning her courage, she spoke. "There's a bed in the next room with your name on it. Please?"
For a few moments, the weight of his silence stilled her heart. He was struggling with something and she had to give him time.
"I don't… I don't sleep well." He spoke so quietly, she almost missed the words under the pounding rain. "Haven't since the Gulf War."
The admission took her by surprise. "Dreams?" She surmised and he nodded slightly. "What do you see?"
"Things I don't want to remember. And when I wake up… I forget where I am. Until my mind catches up with the present… I'm lost."
She couldn't control the tears that threatened to fall. "What happened?" came her choked whisper.
Stephen met her pleading gaze for a moment before turning away. "Don't ask me that."
Knowing what it had taken for him to explain so much, Natalie expressed her gratitude by saying nothing further. His hand rose to wipe a tear from her cheek. And the raw emotion she found in his eyes brought sobs to her throat. Forcing them down was physically difficult.
"I'm sorry," she finally spoke as she covered his hand with hers, holding his palm against her cheek. Turning her face, she laid a lingering kiss on his wrist. It was a boundary she shouldn't have crossed and Stephen gently pulled his hand from her grasp.
An almost apologetic half-smile graced his features. "So… a bed with my name on it?"
Natalie knew he was trying to appease her and she accepted it. In a fit of boldness, she took his arm and led him from the room to the tiny excuse for a lounge. Drawing him inside, she shut off the overhead lights and locked the door. Her actions clearly surprised him, evidenced by the questioning expression.
"Nat…"
"Sleep. Now." She pointed to the spare hospital bed someone had the foresight to stash here. She intended to nominate the stranger for sainthood. Stephen looked to the bed, then to her and ducked his head in defeat. Natalie strolled across the room and extinguished the only remaining lamp, then sat on the mattress, awaiting him. Even in the darkness, his eyes betrayed his confusion.
Her embarrassingly silly grin was over the top but it wouldn't go away. "You don't think I'd trust you to stay here more than a minute, do you? You're stuck with me."
Connor hesitated and then a visible sigh signaled his assent. A determined woman was not to be argued with, her snug grin explained. His cell phone was unceremoniously dropped on the table, though they both knew it wouldn't remain silent for long. Boots were kicked off and he sank back into the mattress. Her heels were tossed on the floor before she settled beside him, a respectable distance between them. He tucked an arm under the pillow as she drew a comforter over them. The success of her bold decisions tonight encouraged her to erase a final barrier. Casually, she slid an arm across his stomach, then held her breath. Rather than reject the contact, Stephen merely covered her hand with his. Her head began a slow spin at the feelings welling inside her at this show of trust. Stephen quickly faded, but Natalie found herself wide awake, content to watch over him. The familiarity was unexpected, the lack of awkwardness compelling. She allowed herself to want him in a way she'd long denied herself and admitted the truth for the first time. She was in love with him. It wasn't just his eyes, his voice, his body. Every woman at NIH fawned over those features. She loved his heart, his soul and the personality that made him unique; demanding, impossible, uncompromising, brilliant, compassionate, stubborn and charming.
Time passed all too quickly as dreams enveloped him. Muscles tensed, breathing grew erratic and 20 minutes of peace dissolved into restlessness. Nat laid a hand on his face but he moved away as though her touch was fire. She called to him softly and he gradually stilled without waking. Throwing caution aside, she drew her arm up around his neck, resting her head against his shoulder. Having locked the door to prevent them from being disturbed, she now saw the added benefit of not being discovered. Their present closeness would have been impossible to explain. A sigh of contentment escaped her, and her fingers stroked his platinum hair. Just as consciousness abandoned her, she thought she heard him sigh too.
There were dreams. They were searching for a cure, arguing as they pushed open lab doors that led outside. Then they were house hunting, teasing as they weighed their options. Would Jack like this one? Was there enough room for the baby? The sunlight lent a softer glow to his blond hair, which was a bit longer now. She ran her hands through it as they chose the home behind them. The blue of his eyes were even more astounding in the natural light of the beautiful day. She felt radiant beside him. Then she was kissing him, loving him and he returned it. The ring on his finger was different from the one she remembered. It resembled her own.
Somewhere in the haven of her peaceful sleep, Natalie slowly registered movement. Through the blur of barely open eyes, she realized that Stephen's restlessness had returned with force. Snapping to attention, Natalie rose to lean on an elbow. His head tossed from side to side, breathing irregular and hands clenched. She laid a hand on his arm but he tensed further, pulling out of her grasp. Tamping down the sting of rejection, she began calling to him. Her voice slowly reached him, but failed in its intent. Wherever he was in his mind, her whispers must have sounded like shouts. Stephen winced each time she called to him, his muscles fighting against an invisible force. Earlier, she'd been warmed by his presence, but now Nat's skin tingled at the chill in the air. He was so far away from her, so deep in what he was reliving. Something seemed to hold him down and her hand clutching his arm only aided that perception.
Realizing her mistake, she loosened her hold, sliding her hand up to his shoulder. Roughly shaking him, Natalie jumped back as he bolted upright. Instinctively, his hand gripped her wrist tight enough to make her yelp. Blue eyes took in everything and nothing, until they fell on her reddening arm. Stephen immediately released her, and she could see the confusion fading into guilt. With a hand on his chest, she pushed him back onto the mattress as he fought for breath. Natalie waited for him silently as his words echoed in her head.
'I forget where I am... I'm lost… Don't ask me…' If he suffered these dreams every time he slept, his avoidance of the human requirement was suddenly understandable.
"Stephen?" She spoke cautiously and he met her gaze.
"I'm sorry. I didn't…" Her finger across his lips silenced him.
"What did you see?"
"I don't remember." It was a practiced answer and Nat wondered how many times he'd use it with his wife.
There was no point calling him on the lie; he'd only leave, which would ensure no sleep for either of them. Natalie pulled his arm aside and took position more fully against him. Resting her head on his chest, she reached back to the arm she'd displaced. Her hand found his and she drew it across her waist. Stephen hesitated, knowing the line she was crossing, but the little sleep he'd gotten clouded his judgment. As she wrapped her arm around his neck, he tightened his hold on her. And it felt like victory. The rest she received supplemented the break he'd insisted she take yesterday. Feeling his body under hers and listening to his heartbeat was far too amazing to sleep through. Had he not been so tired, Stephen would have never allowed this. And he would undoubtedly put greater distance between them later. But at this moment, they laid entwined, moonlight washing over them.
He was fighting sleep. The tense muscles and halted breathing told her as much. He'd managed 40 minutes at most and this could not begin to combat his level of exhaustion. Before she could put thought to it, her fingers were massaging the nape of his neck. The contact soothed him into sleep, muscles gradually relaxing around her.
In the complete comfort of her current position, Natalie fell deeper in love with him. If only it this were real, she mused sadly. Did he even know who was in his arms? Would he be furious that she used his exhaustion to get close to him? These thoughts only made her cling tighter to him, sliding her leg between his and letting the intimacy spin her head. The movement caused him to stir, but he settled quickly. Tilting her head so she could watch him, she ran a knuckle down his temple and along his jaw. Reaching up, she fingered the short waves in his hair. Though Powell called him an albino, she knew the platinum color was far from natural, but she couldn't imagine him without it. Of course, he was pale enough. And those eyes… the lightest blue possible.
When she first came to NIH, she was warned about her new boss. Dr. Connor was a perfectionist with a boxer's build and a lightening quick temper. Just as panic had set in, another nurse took her aside and confirmed all of it was true.
'However,' the woman said and then suddenly pointed to a man with exotic looks in a black t-shirt and jeans. "You see that astonishingly sexy guy?" The nurse had asked and Nat had to keep from whistling.
"Uh huh. Too bad Dr. Connor can't look like him."
"Honey, that is him."
Natalie remembered a more recent conversation with that way sexy guy. She asked if the fawning ever got old for him. Stephen truly didn't seem to notice. The ringing phone, however, could not be missed. Stephen jolted awake, nearly colliding with her as he reached for his cell. He held it to his chest for a moment, letting it ring until he got his bearings.
"Connor." His voice was barely a whisper.
Nat used his distraction to subtly untangle herself from him. Stephen covered his eyes with a hand while the caller rambled. The words were muffled but she could assume it was NIH. And by his silence, it wasn't Kate Ewing.
"Send it to me." Stephen shut the phone and tossed it on the side table.
"Another case?" She pried casually. He rubbed his temples, only answered by way of a slight nod. "I'll bring your laptop and you can go over it right here." She patted the mattress for emphasis and added, "Later."
He turned and fixed her with an intense glare. "I'll get the laptop. You get breakfast. Now."
"Breakfast in bed?" She teased, raising an eyebrow.
"Don't push your luck." His tone was stern, but his eyes betrayed his amusement.
He put on his boots and rose from the bed, turning back to her to find her hands outstretched. Taking them, he pulled her up to her knees. When he failed to let go, Natalie summoned her courage and leaned up to kiss him. With her lips inches from his, Stephen pulled away slightly and she knew the chance was gone.
"We can't." He barely whispered.
"Why?" She watched as his eyes clouded with regret.
"You want that list alphabetized?"
Nat held his gaze for a moment, then smiled through the dagger in her heart. She could argue this until Armageddon but he'd never budge. "What do you want for breakfast?"
"Coffee. Lots of coffee." He backed away, removing himself from temptation and the cell phone rang again. As he answered, he moved further from her and she felt the chill of the separation. Grabbing her heels, she left the bed and headed to the door. Coffee. He wanted coffee and she would supply it as a peace offering. They would go back to the professionalism she hated and the night would be ignored. But did she imagine it, or were his eyes following her exit? Powell met her in the hall. The man was sporting a grin the size of their Escalade.
"Have a nice catnap?"
She should have played it cool and detached, but there was something about the glint in his eyes that inspired her.
"You have no idea." She threw over her shoulder as she headed for the lab. His laughter traveled with her.