Shokugeki no Soma: The Altered Series

Terrible…

A boy was walking by a tree. He sat down and took a bite of his latest creation… a squid tentacle covered in peanut butter.

"Aw, yeah! This is awful! It's so funny. It's so bad… I just have to laugh…"

Suddenly, a plate of fettucine fell out of a tree and into his hands.

"What the-?"

It was a quiet day, same as any other. A small breeze brushed through the town, giving the air a cool, refreshing energy that gave me a sense of happiness for being outside. Almost everyone was, but not for one huddled group of people. Not everyone was outdoor and experiencing the peace of the land. Some were shoving and pushing against each other in a crowd to spectate on a battle taking place: A battle between son and father.

"This is it, Soma!" cried the father as he fiercely grabbed a pot. "Today is the day I completely crush your will to live!"

"That's what you think, old man!" cried the son as he too grabbed a pot with as much passion as his father. "Today's the day I'll win!"

The son was a young boy who has existed on this earth for 16 years. Much like his heart in heat, the boy had blood red hair. It was also spikey, but what main character doesn't? In any case, he is the one who bears the name Soma Yukihira.

The father, a man who has stood across time for 40 years, was a tall man with big hair big enough to intimidate anyone who did not know of his occupation. Around these parts, the people refer to him as Joichiro Yukihira.

Both of them had their hands on the pots. Both of them began vibrating.

"Oh no!"

"Here it comes!"

The audience these two had acquired knew what was coming. Anyone who had ever seen these two battle knew that some destruction of local property had to be destroyed at some point in the battle. Looking at them vibrate, the regulars covered their heads and lowered their bodies to the ground and everyone else followed suit.

"Rrrraaaaagghhh!"

"Hhhhhnnnggghh!"

The ground began trembling, animals started running away, and lemonade stands all over the world collapsed!

This is one of the ways they gather power.

"Yah!" The boy, Soma, raised the pot in the air. "One hundred shakes of the Earth!"

The father, Joichiro, smiled and raised his pot as well. "One hundred and two shakes of the Earth."

As if the universe had heard these two warriors of tongue, the pots levitated off their hands and violently shook.

Since it had been a while since they caused the earthquake, the ground settled down and returned to being unmovable. The audience slowly stood back up and saw two plates of fried rice fall down from what seemed like the heavens. Actually, three came down, but we let's not lose our focus here.

Simultaneously, the Yukihira family looked at one girl and they both raised the hand at her.

The girl nodded and stepped forward.

"She's so lucky," one of the audience said. "I heard only virgins are allowed to have their unsoiled tongues taste the heavenly food of the Yukihira's."

"I'd do anything to take back my virginity," many said.

The crowd shared the sentiment and it was later agreed that they would all sacrifice a goat later as an attempt to do so, but for the time being, they wanted to see the results.

The girl finished swallowing the last remaining rice in her mouth. She stood quiet for some time before she suddenly started crying.

"Too good! Too good! Sorry, Yukihira-kun, but you father's dish is too good! I think I'm going to-"

Before she could finish talking, she fainted and fell down. Nobody bothered to cushion her fall, so her unprotected head cracked and sent her into a coma.

Such is the way of the Yukihira.

Joichiro smirked and started laughing. "Isn't this the 500th time I've won?"

"Tch! It's only been 489 times, dad! How many times do I have to tell you!? 490 times!?"

With the dust settled and the two chefs reverting back to normal, the crowd lost interest and left, in search of a holy goat worthy of sacrifice.

"Hey, Soma." Joichiro leaned over the counter and stared at the girl in comatose. "You want to take care of this or should I?"

In response, Soma pulled out a whistle. "I'll handle it." He blew into the whistle and a giant squid covered in peanut butter emerged from the restaurant's closet to take the girl. "Make sure you don't do too much," he said to the squid before it returned to the darkness. "If your strawberry-covered sardine monster had taken her, we would never see her again.

"That would be bad," Joichiro said. "In any case, it's back to being a restaurant, so get moving."

And he did get moving. The End.

Except it didn't end.

"Excuse me?"

A woman in sharp, professional clothing made from a place not made in China (that's right, expensive clothes) walked into the restaurant like she owned the place. She was followed by three burly men walking in like they were going to take the place.

"Can I speak to the owner here?"

Soma appeared and stabbed a knife into the table. "He's busy, but you can talk to me."

"Aha, cute." The woman lowered her sunglasses. "My name is Minegasaki."

"I refuse to remember that name."

The woman ignored his comment and continued. "I'm an urban life planner, you see, and I-"

"What would you like to order?" he curtly said.

"Mm, I see you're not one for courtesy. I came here to explain, once again, our plans here. We want to build an apartment building here, but there's this whole restaurant in the way. You see the problem, don't you?"

"In other words, you're a land shark and you want us out." A smug smile crossed his face. "Go back. We don't want to close this shop at all. Right Dad?"

He didn't hear anything from the kitchen.

"You see?"

A smile as sharp as his also came across the woman's face. "I see. I'll leave my card here just in case, but you must know the growing difficulties of maintaining a small business, don't you? I've heard a lot of businesses have been having trouble not getting destroyed by my men."

"I don't see anything getting destroyed here."

One of the men turned and flipped a table.

"You were saying?" the woman asked.

Soma took a break from smelling his hand to respond. "I'm sorry, what happened?"

"Well, what if you weren't able to serve your customers the dish they ordered?" she asked with some anger held back. "What would you do then?"

"Manly close down the shop!" Soma said. He got a hold of the business card she put down earlier and threw it into the fire that was right next to him.

"Hey! This is our holy fire! Go sacrifice your soul elsewhere!"

"The fire! The fire is ruined! We can't offer this goat in these conditions!"

The woman frowned. She turned around and as she left the restaurant, she lowly grunted "You'll regret this."

A whole day went by. Soma was coming back from school with a bag in his hand. The bag contained some eggs, potatoes, bacon, mushroom, and rat poison.

He arrived to the back entrance of the Yukihira shop and pulled out his keys. "Huh. Wonder why it's locked. The old man should be in here."

He unlocked the door and entered. It was pitch black. He turned on the lights and before him, he say food strewn all over the floor. Milk was spilled, cheese was cut, meat was beaten, and sauces were all over the place.

"Wh-what? Who could've done all of this? Was it a thief? A robber? A burglar? My dad? Whoever it was, I'll make them pay!" On the corner of his eyes, he saw the shutter door open. "What? Did something happen outside too?"

He got out. He took a look back. His heart dropped.

"The sign! It's ruined!"

The sign that once showed the world that this place was home of the Yukihira was disgraced. Fresh white paint dripped off the proud sign and fell onto the ground.

"Oh, would you look at that!" A familiar voice said. Soma turned around and saw the agent from yesterday. "This place looked much better yesterday!" she said, doing nothing to hide the glee in her emotions. "Now, about my plans… wouldn't you say that this is a sign from above? White don't you just give this property to me now?"

"…did you wait in front of this place the whole time just to say those two puns?"

"Yes, well, I didn't have time to do the back so I was really disappointed when you went there first." The woman walked past Soma and entered the shop. "But enough talk. I'm in the mood for some meat. Can you go make me some food, boy? Hm? Why aren't you moving?"

Soma stood still.

"What? Can't you make something as simple as meat? You can't, can you!?" The woman was visibly getting excited and started smirking like a pervert at a strip club. "Well, time to close down the shop, don't you say? Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Is that all you want?" he said.

She stopped laughing and looked at him. He didn't look shaken up at all. In fact, he looked confident. "Huh?"

"Because if that's all you want, then I'll make you a dish so good, you'll never come back to this shop again."

He slipped on his headband and made his way into the kitchen.

She signaled her men to come and she said to them "What's going on here? You went through with the plan, right?"

"Of course! We even made love to the food like you said!"

"Well it wasn't hardcore enough! He's cooking something up and it's certainly not fish!"

Some time passed by and the dish came to be.

"What is this?"

She stared at the plate Soma had thrown in front of her. It didn't have anything on it.

"Sorry. I tried to not hit your head. In any case," he presented her with an actual dish with food on it, "it's done."

She stared at it. It smelled good. She was almost taken in, but her suspicions were too great. It looked like roast pork. She got a fork from Soma and placed a fork on the meal, ready to see what it really was.

"By the way," he said as he slowly started backing up, away from the woman and her henchmen. "Would you like to know what it's called?"

She ignored him, too focused with her task. The fork broke through the crispy bacon barrier covering the surprise inside. She pressed down and-

"It's called Roast Beef-"

The fork stabbed into something sensitive.

It was a button.

"What's the meaning of-!?"

An explosion finished her sentence for her. Yes, indeed, the flavor was so good, they all literally blown away by the dish's explosive flavor!

"-Just Kidding," Soma said.

After throwing away their bodies and taking home for pounds of ass cheeks, Soma came back and immediately got to working on the awning. During the chore, he heard footsteps and saw his father.

"Old man…"

He gave a smile to himself, which he kept hidden from his father.

(That's right. I'll never let anything get between me and this place. This is my castle, where I'll become king and raise taxes on everything! At which point, I'll surpass him and perfect my cooking to a level even virgins can't touch!)

"Soma," Joichiro said, "I don't know what the hell you're thinking, but as punishment, I'm closing down this shop for some odd number of years. Probably three."

The force of the news being broken was too great, a gust a wind came, causing Soma to topple of the ladder and chase after his father into the kitchen.

"Well, that's that. Guess I better go apologize to our regulars."

"Why don't you start apologizing to your son?!"

"Hey, what's with this meat you picked up? It's all old and flat."

"Pay attention! You can't close down this place! This is where I-"

He was stopped by his father punching him on his chest.

"Soma… it's over. This is where you and I split. Go measure your ability…"

"Dad… my heart just stopped."

A few weeks later, Soma got out of the hospital and graduated middle school. He then set out for a long journey…

"You're at the wrong place, kid."

"Damn it!"

He climbed down the mountain and set out for another long journey…

"This is so stupid," he muttered, complaining to himself. "Why do I need to go to a stupid cooking school? Famous celebrity chefs didn't need to graduate high school!"

But as he walked closer and closer to the hall for the examination, he began to see the building grow bigger and higher. He also began to see a bunch of desperate fellows.

"No! It can't be! I've failed! I've failed! My life is ruined!"

"Please! I beg of you to admit my son. I'll do anything! I'll, I'll, be your best friend!"

"I already have five best friends!"

"Nnnnooooooo! I really came here to make friends!"

Person after person, Soma was finally presented with a grand entrance. His jaw dropped open.

"What kind of place is this?"

He called his father.

"Huh? Didn't I tell you already? This is one of Japan's best cooking schools… an elite school where less than 10% of the students live."

"WHAT!?"

"Uh, graduate. I meant less than 10% don't graduate."

Over the phone, Soma was hearing a lot of clattering and strange talk.

"Hey, where are you anyway?"

"New York City," Joichiro said as he was drinking a bottle of whiskey outside of a gas station.

"Hey, yo!" the cashier shouted. "Get away from here!"

"It's okay, I'm a famous chef." Joichiro threw away his bottle and started walking back to the party he was taking a break from. "At first I worked in China," a Panda Express came into mind, "then Spain," taco bell, "and Italy," a pizzeria. "I just came into New York last night." He took out a squid tentacle covered in ketchup. As he took bites, he said, "Soma, if you can't survive at that school, saying you'll surpass me is a big joke…"

He heard a click in his ear.

"Ah, he hung up."

"What? No. I just clicked my tounge. Anyways, I'LL SHOW YOU I CAN!"

"Alright, then I'll tell you the secret to becoming a good chef."

"Okay."

"You listening?"

"Yes."

"Alright. The secret is to get laid and-"

He heard another click in his ears.

"Ah. This time he really did hang up… Scrub!"

Meanwhile, someplace else…

A girl was deep in concentration, tasting someone's food. Her eyes open.

"Awful! Simply awful!"

A plate of fettuccine was thrown out the window.

"This food was so awful, it was, it was… it was if walking on sunshine and suddenly a penguin flies by! That kind of flavor! It's so bad… I can't even laugh. I can't laugh at all."

Terrible…

A/N - I'll be honest and say I didn't notice the connection between the first and last page of the first chapter until writing this. It's cool, yo.