June had been gone for three days.
He hadn't been in the house yet. It was too dangerous. Waterford was so sure that he had helped June escape. And Serena was sleeping in the nursery. She wouldn't let Holly out of her sight. And it drove Nick crazy. It got to him in ways that nothing else in Gilead had. He had hated the Ceremony. He had hated the way everyone- especially the women- was treated like property, tools to be used and discarded. But not being able to see his own daughter was almost crippling.
But he had made a promise. He had told June that he would watch Holly until it was safe to get her out. And he wouldn't do anything to risk that. So he did his job, he sat in his empty apartment. And he watched- like he always had. Because observation meant information and information meant power. And he would need everything at his disposal to make sure his little girl had something close to a normal life one day.
Five weeks- that's how long it look for Serena to start sleeping in her own room again. That was when Nick could start learning Holly's sleep schedule. She woke up three times every night. Ten o'clock, two o'clock and four o'clock give or take a few minutes. Rita had casually let it slip that Serena only handled the ten o'clock feeding- Rita did the other two.
So Nick timed it. Once the nursery light came on there was a thirty minute window before it went out again. The first night he snuck in the light had been off for almost an hour. Enough time for the Waterford's to go back to sleep. His palms had been sweating and his heart was pounding so hard that he could hardly hear over it. But somehow he was still mostly calm. Because it was worth it to see his baby girl- even if just for a minute.
He stepped into the nursery and quietly shut the door behind him. There was no nightlight, no music playing. And as beautiful as he knew the room was, Nick couldn't help hating it. It wasn't right. It didn't feel right. There should be giraffes on the walls or glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Holly should have music playing so she didn't wake up to silence in the night.
No, this room was like everything else the Waterfords had- beautiful and lifeless.
Nick walked to the crib and looked down at his sleeping daughter. Her hands were balled into little fists and her head was turned to the side, mouth open slightly. He had loved her from the minute June told him she was pregnant. But this was so different. Before it had been a distant, vague kind of love. She was an idea that hadn't been made real yet. But now… this was a little person who smiled at giraffes and cried at pandas. This was a little girl that had her mother's eyes and her father's dark curls.
The house made a noise- settling in, as his mom would say. But it was enough to pull his attention from the baby sleeping in front of him. He used the dim moonlight filtering in through the curtains to read his watch. He had been here for almost an hour and he hadn't even noticed. It felt like mere seconds had passed since he first walked into the room. But Nick knew he had to go- he couldn't afford to get caught. Holly couldn't afford for him to get caught.
So he bent down and pressed a feather light kiss to his baby girl's forehead. He couldn't help but smile at the way her face scrunched up for a moment and her arms pulled in tighter. She didn't like being bothered when she was sleeping. Like her mom. Nick straightened up and took one last look for the night. "I love you, Holly," he whispered, his finger running along her little fist. Then he stepped away and left the nursery- left the house. He trudged back up to his apartment, knowing that he would be exhausted the next day. But he didn't mind.
It was worth it.
He fell into a routine. Every night he would sneak in and read to his baby girl while she slept. For an hour each night it was just him and Holly and he could pretend. He could convince himself that he was just a regular dad and it was his turn to stay up with the baby. Rita had caught him the third time he had snuck in, but he knew she wouldn't stop him. So he sat by the crib and read to his daughter.
Holly was eleven months old the first time she woke up while he was there. He had been reading for almost thirty minutes when he looked down to see bright blue eyes staring back at him. It had caught him off guard. So much so that he had almost dropped the book he was reading. Nick expected Holly to cry. He expected her to freak out about a stranger being in her room. But she didn't. She just watched him with her big, bright eyes until he started reading again.
And every time he peeked at her, her eyes were watching him.
He couldn't stop smiling the entire next day.
When she was two Serena got sick. Nothing major, just a cold. But it threw off everyone's schedule. She couldn't take Holly- Nichole- to the park. So she had Rita take her, with Nick driving of course. That was the start of a new routine. Nick would put in a CD- one of the few things he hadn't let Gilead take from him. It was mostly Motown and Indie bands he had liked before. But it was music with words instead of Chopin or Schubert.
Holly loved it. Rita did too even though she wouldn't admit it. Nick would watch through the rearview mirror as Holly kicked her legs to the music. He never knew how hard it could be to keep a straight face. But it was nothing compared to watching his little girl run around the park, Rita chasing after her. Holly's smile was so bright and her laugh was infectious. It was almost perfect. It was almost exactly what he wanted for his daughter.
The trips to the park continued even after Serena was better. It was as if she remembered how peaceful a house could be without a toddler running around. So now Nick made two trips to the park each day: one with Serena and one with Rita. Holly loved the extra play time and Nick loved watching Holly dance in her car-seat.
She started staying awake at night. The first time, Nick had opened the door to Holly's room and been surprised to see her sitting up in her toddler bed. He hadn't expected to see her blue eyes watching the door. But he went with it. He had learned to adapt a long time ago. And he didn't mind having an audience who was awake for his storytelling. So he sat on the floor beside her bed, like he did every night and started reading. Holly laid down and got comfortable, her eyes staring at the ceiling while she listened.
And it was like that every night since. Nick would come in to a wide awake little girl, snuggled in and waiting for a story. Sometimes she would ask questions- quietly, always quiet 'so mama won't get mad'. Other times her little hand would reach out and hold onto his. Nick had to learn how to turn pages without letting go of her. It was good. And every night, once she'd fallen asleep, he'd kiss her forehead and whisper, 'I love you, Holly.'
He always wanted that to be the last thing she heard.
He taught her to read when she was three. It was the most terrifying thing he had ever done, but Nick had promised that his little girl would have a better life than this place. And he was going to give it to her however he could. They had talked about how story-time had to be their secret so the Commander wouldn't tell him to stop. And they talked about reading time at the park being a secret too. Rita would be their lookout while Nick went over the different letters and their sounds.
And he hadn't thought it was possible to be as proud of someone reading the word 'cat' as he was when Holly did it for the first time. He made workbooks like the ones he had as a kid to help her practice writing and he wrote down made up stories for her to read that were just right for her reading level. Rita rolled her eyes at him, but Nick knew she was just as excited and proud as he was.
He kept all of it in a compartment under his seat. It was easier than trying to sneak it from his apartment to the car each day. And Holly liked the compartment. She liked that it was a secret like reading time. She giggled every time she got in the car with Serena or the Commander because 'they don't know the secret, Nick'.
And like every other good thing about his relationship with his daughter, it was risky.
And just like always, it was worth it.
They were in the car when he told her.
Holly was five, it was her birthday. And she had started asking questions. He always drove her to school- just the two of them. And they would talk. About her dreams from the night before, about the girls in her class, whatever came to Holly's mind they talked about. So the first time she asked why he read to her, Nick had been nervous. But he had told a version of the truth- that he liked reading to her and he wanted her to have nice dreams.
Nick thought that would be the end.
But that morning she asked why he called her Holly. It wasn't a new thing- he had always called her Holly, she answered to it when they were alone or with Rita. But now she was asking why and he knew he had to tell her the truth. So he did. "I call you Holly because that's the name your mommy gave you." He pulled into the back parking lot of the Girl's Preparatory School. He would come up with an excuse for Holly being tardy. This was more important anyway. He turned to face his little girl and couldn't help but smile at the confused look on her little face.
"But Mommy calls me Nichole."
Nick nodded slowly. This was harder than he had expected. He wasn't really sure what he had expected. But he pushed through. "Yes, Serena Joy calls you Nichole. But Serena Joy isn't your real mommy. Your real mommy's name is June and she loves you more than anything. And she named you Holly." The furrow in Holly's brow got deeper, but Nick recognized that look. It was one his mother had teased him about.
"Where is my real mommy?"
He held his arms out and Holly climbed over the divider into the front. She snuggled into his lap like she did when they had reading time. It was his favorite part of the day, when he could just hold her close. So he let himself enjoy it for another moment before he changed more of this little girl's world. Taking a deep breath, one that smelled like Holly's lavender shampoo, Nick started.
"Your mommy is in Canada. It's a place far away from Gilead." He tilted his head so he could see her expression. Pensive, but not upset. "You know the Handmaid's? How they have babies for the Commanders?" Holly nodded. Everyone knew about Handmaid's even the little children. "Your mommy was a Handmaid. And when she had you, the Commander made her give you to him. Then I helped her run away." Holly turned around so she could face him properly. Her mouth was scrunched and her head dipped down while she thought.
"Is she coming back to get me?"
How one little sentence could hurt so much, Nick would never know. But that one did. He brought his hands up to rest on her cheeks making sure she was paying attention. "Your mommy can't come get you, but I am going to take you to her. Not today, maybe not for a while. But one day. And she will be so happy to see you. Because she loves you, Holly." He let his hands fall back to his sides as Holly nodded.
It was a lot for a little girl. It was too much. But he couldn't lie to her and he didn't want to. Holly deserved to know her mother loved her. And June deserved for her daughter to know who she was. And Nick could give them both that. He could give them each other, even if it was just with words. His daughter sat for a long time, and he didn't rush her- he wouldn't rush her.
Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight. When she pulled away she still looked a little confused, but she was okay. She slid off of his lap and into the passenger's seat. "Okay, Nick. But can we go now? Because it's my birthday and Aunt Sandra said the class would have a treat for me and I don't want anyone to take it." And just like that, the world made sense again. He reached into the back and grabbed her school bag, then drove them to the front of the school. He let Holly out and walked her to the doors where an Aunt was waiting to take her to her class. But right before they got to the doors Holly stopped.
"This is a Nick and Holly secret, like reading-time, right?" He nodded. "Okay. Bye Nick!"
It was a week before she asked about the Commander. Somehow that conversation was easier. Maybe because he had already told her about one of her parents not being her real parent. But either way, when Holly asked if the Commander was her real Daddy, Nick had no problem saying 'no'. They were in the car again, on the way to school again. And just like before he took her to the back parking lot so she could climb up front and talk to him.
He didn't even have to tell her. She surprised him. "Are you my real daddy, Nick?"
"Yes I am, Holly."
She thought about it. And for a second he was worried she was disappointed or upset. But then she crawled into his lap and put her head on his shoulder. "Okay. I like that you're my real daddy. I love you better than Daddy anyway. He doesn't read to me or play with me." It wasn't much, and Nick knew it was because she was five, but it was still the best feeling in the world to know his daughter loved him more than she loved the Commander.
He hugged her just a little bit tighter.
"I love you too, Holly."
After that everything was different. And everything was exactly the same. They still had story-time each night, but now Holly said 'goodnight Daddy,' before he left each night. They still had reading time in the car, but now she asked 'Daddy, what's that word say?' Rita had cried the first time she heard Holly call him daddy and Nick had laughed at how confused Holly looked. Then Holly had asked a question and everything had gone back to normal.
She came to his apartment now. Every afternoon after school, she would drop her bag in her room and then Nick would watch as she made her way up the stairs to his door. For an hour each afternoon, when Serena was out visiting and the Commander was still at work, Holly would practice her writing and her numbers in her father's apartment, while Nick watched. She would color and they would listen to music. And for that hour it was just Nick and Holly being a family.
She asked about her mother a lot. And he told her as much as he could. There weren't very many stories Nick could tell that were age appropriate, but the ones he had he gave freely. June had found a camera at the Boston Globe during her two months in hiding. She had taken a ridiculous amount of selfies, but Nick had loved them all and printed them out one night after she had gone to sleep. He kept them in a box in his closet. So when Holly asked for stories he pulled out the pictures. So she had a face to go with the stories. Her favorite, though, was one of him and June together.
It was his favorite, too
He told her about her sister- Hannah. He told her about her aunt Moira- at least the little he knew from June's stories. He didn't have any family, but June did and Nick wanted Holly to at least know about them. He drove to the Boston Globe one night and found the camera. Holly had been ecstatic when he showed it to her. 'Is it the same one mommy used?' and 'Did mommy take that picture of you, Daddy?' It wasn't until the next afternoon that she even thought about the two of them taking pictures. But once the thought entered her head, she was determined. She wanted to take a picture of the two of them every day so when they found June she would know it was really them.
"Daddy?" Nick looked up from the sandwich he was making for Holly. Her eyes were trained on him and he hadn't seen her look so serious before. He turned around and gave her his undivided attention. "You're the best daddy in the world."
It wasn't true- not by a long shot- but he'd do everything he could to make sure she never stopped believing it.
Five years. Things were good for five years.
Holly spent more time with Nick as she got older. She learned how to keep from getting caught when she snuck in and out of the house. She still called Serena 'mom', she was still the woman who raised her and loved her. And Nick always reminded her that despite Serena's faults, she did love Holly. The Commander was still 'dad' even though she tried to avoid him whenever she could. He was cold to her and she never understood why. Nick knew, but he didn't want to explain that the Commander was too full of himself to love a child that wasn't his.
But it was fine. Because Nick was always right there. Holly would pop into the garage and help him work on the car. Or sometimes he would show her how to fix the sink if it leaked. And she loved every second of it- because it was just time for the two of them. He didn't read to her at night anymore, but he still came to tell her goodnight and let her tell him about her day. They would imagine what June and Hannah had done that day. It was their special time that no one could take from them.
Until they did.
Nick was sitting on the end of Holly's bed like he always did- his back leaning against the wall. Holly was lying across the bed with her feet propped up on the bedpost. They were talking about the difference between rollerblades and roller skates, neither of which Holly had ever seen. But she was sure that both of them were stupid and a scooter was the best option anyway. So neither of them were prepared for the door to burst open and Commander Waterford to be standing there. Holly startled so badly that Nick had to catch her to keep her from falling off the bed.
"What are you doing here, Nick?" It had been a long time since Nick had heard that particular tone of cold condescension. And even longer since he had been worried- truly worried about ending up on the wall. But he didn't answer. He wasn't going to lie about why he was here and he wasn't going to put the focus on Holly. "You have no right to be in this house at this time, and especially not in my daughter's room."
Nick watched the way Holly's hands balled into fists at the Commander's words. "You're not my real dad. Nick can stay if I want him to." Nick stood up and moved to stand in front of Holly. Because the way Waterford was looking at her left a pit in his stomach. In the ten years since Holly had been born, Nick had never- not once- been worried about her physical safety when she was with the Waterfords. But with one look that all changed.
The Commander took a step into the room. "What did you just say to me?" Nick held his arm out to keep Holly behind him. He'd kill Fred Waterford where he stood if he tried to hurt his daughter. "Nichole! What did you say to me?" Nick heard footsteps in the hall and knew that this was only going to get worse.
"You're not my dad. Nick is!"
The gasp that came from Serena Joy broke the tension in the room for a moment. Her eyes were glued to Holly's and Nick had never seen her look so frightened. This was her worst nightmare. The idea that the child she stole might learn the truth one day- that she might see Serena for the monster that she is. And despite all the things Nick had done to try and keep Holly's relationship with the Waterfords strong, he couldn't feel bad for Serena. She hadn't felt bad when she stole Holly from June or forced him to be a bystander in his child's life.
Serena rushed forward, her eyes not once leaving Holly. "Nichole, what are you saying? Where did you hear that?"
Holly stood on the bed and wrapped her arms around Nick's neck from behind. He could imagine the stubborn look on her face- she had so much of June in her. "My dad told me. And he told me about my real mom. And how you made her go away!' Serena looked as if she had been slapped. But that changed in an instant.
"This is Commander Waterford. Come inside, we have a situation."
The words brought a new type of tension into the room. Because everyone knew who he had called. Holly held on tighter, almost cutting off Nick's ability to breathe. And Serena joy looked both furious and worried. There was a war in her eyes that Nick couldn't bring himself to care about. He turned back to Waterford and took in the sneer on the man's face. He had always hated him, even before June, before the first Offred. But now- in this moment… Nick had never hated anyone this much.
The front door slammed closed and Nick knew how this would end. Serena reached out trying to take Holly, before the guardians came in and took Nick. But she wouldn't let go. "No! No, you can't take him! No! I won't let you!" Serena's hand went to her mouth as she stepped back. Nick felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. His child was scared, she was hurting, and they were going to make him leave her.
He turned around so that he could face Holly properly but she buried her face in his neck. Her tears soaked into the fabric of his shirt and he felt his mask of indifference falling, crumbling into dust. His arms locked around his little girl so tight that he worried he might be hurting her, but she just held on tighter.
"Holly," his voice was trashed and the word was barely more than a whisper, but she heard him. She loosened her hold just enough so that they could really see each other. "It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay, alright?" But she was already shaking her head, and he couldn't blame her. But he had to get her to calm down. "Yes, it is. I promise. Now I'm gonna have to go." He heard the Guardians shuffling outside the door and he knew Serena was holding them back because Waterford sure as hell wouldn't have.
"But I don't want you to go. I don't want you to."
Nick brought his hands up to wipe her tears away. "I know. I know you don't. But I need you to tell me your name, okay?" Her face crumpled and he had to force himself to breathe, to stay calm- for her. "Tell me your name, baby."
"Holly Osborne-Blaine."
God, she was so stubborn.
"Not that one."
She took in a deep shuddery breath and another tear slipped down her cheek. "Nichole Waterford." Her voice was so shaky he almost couldn't understand her, but he didn't need to. He just needed her to be safe. He needed her to follow the rules in Gilead until she could get out. He nodded for her to keep going. "My mother's name is Serena Joy Waterford." She let out the smallest whimper and Nick felt his heart crack. "And my father's name is…" She threw herself back into his arms and he didn't fight her. "My father's name is Fred Waterford and I hate him."
Then the guardians were pulling Nick back and Serena was holding on to Holly. He wanted to fight- God, he wanted to fight them off so bad. But he couldn't. He couldn't risk Holly getting hurt and he didn't want her to see it. He wanted the violence of Gilead as far from her as he could keep it. But he was glad they were pushing him out of the room. He was glad they weren't giving him a choice. Because when he heard her screaming for him, when her cries of 'Daddy, wait! Daddy, don't go!' were ringing in his ears he knew he wouldn't have been strong enough to keep walking on his own.
And sitting in the back of a black van Nick broke. He broke because he didn't have a chance to tell her. It was the last thing he said to her every single night. It was the one thing he needed to be the last thing she heard every night. And he hadn't gotten to tell her. She didn't hear him say it.
"I love you, Holly."
Two weeks of black. Two weeks of silence. Two weeks of pain that made it hard to breathe and hard to think. Pain that meant broken bones, torn muscles, and lacerated skin. Two weeks without Holly. Two weeks with no selfies or stories or laughing. Two weeks without bright blue eyes and curly dark hair and a smile that lit up the room. And it was killing him.
He could handle the physical pain. He could handle the silence and the dark. But he had never been away from Holly this long. Even at the beginning- those first few weeks- he could hear her. He knew she was safe and cared for. Rita told him things. But now- there was nothing. And it was driving him insane. Because he had seen Waterford's face. That man lost whatever misshapen fatherly affection he might have had for Holly the minute she called Nick her dad. And he knew- from personal experience- how cruel and calculating and sick Fred Waterford could be when his pride was hurt.
And Holly was alone. Nick knew she wasn't really alone. But there was only so much Rita could do without getting herself punished or removed from the house all together. And Nick had no doubt Serena would kill Fred if he laid a hand on Nichole, but Nick couldn't trust that she would be enough. For fucks sake she helped write the rules that made this place so fucking terrible. Some part of her had to believe it.
So, no, Nick couldn't trust anyone in that house to protect his daughter. And the things his mind conjured that Waterford might be doing or saying to a scared ten year old was worse than the dark or the torture or the silence or any of it. It was worse than the guilt at breaking his promise to June. Because his daughter was in danger and he wasn't there.
The door to his cell opened and Nick was blinded by the light from the hall. The other times it hadn't been on when they opened the door- a way to keep him disoriented and afraid. He blinked rapidly, trying to let his eyes adjust to the sudden brightness. But before he could, hands were grabbing him, pulling him up. They dragged him out of the cell and down a hallway. It wasn't until he had been dropped onto a hospital bed that his eyes could finally focus.
"You got five minutes to clean yourself up. You have visitors."
Then the door to the room was closing and Nick was left to figure out what was going on. He pulled himself up from the bed with a groan. His ribs were either badly bruised or broken- he couldn't tell. He drug himself over to the sink and looked in the mirror. His face had cuts but the bruises were mostly faded- they had stopped punching him in the face the first day. He didn't know why but he wasn't complaining. He picked up the rag by the sink and turned on the water. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it on the floor- a clean one was hanging on the wall next to a towel. Quickly using the bar of soap he cleaned himself as best he could. He opened the toothbrush and toothpaste that was on the back of the sink and brushed his teeth. It was nice to get the blood and dirt out of his mouth.
Then he pulled on the clean shirt and made his way back to the hospital bed. He had just sat down when the door flung open and Holly raced in. She jumped into his arms and it fucking hurt like hell, but Nick didn't care. He held her just as tight as she was holding him.
"I told them they had to let me see you. They had to. It wasn't fair not to let me see you." Nick looked to the door to find Serena hovering awkwardly. She looked nervous and frightened in a way he had never seen on her before. But then Holly was pulling back and his focus went back to her. Her little hands went to his face tracing the cuts that were healing. Tears welled in her eyes even as her face clouded with anger. She spun around to face Serena while keeping herself firmly attached to Nick. "You promised that he was okay! You said no one would hurt him! You lied!"
Nick could feel Holly shaking with emotion. And honestly he didn't know how to handle her like this. Still, he wrapped his arms around her tighter. "It's okay. I'm okay." But Holly just shook her head. He gently turned her back around to face him. "I don't want you to worry about me. Are you okay?"
"She won't eat anything." Nick looked up to Serena. Her hands were clasped in front of her like always, but he could see the way she was worriedly rubbing her thumb against the back of her hand. "She hasn't eaten anything since you left."
Holly ducked her head, but Nick could tell she was annoyed at being told on. He used a finger to lift her chin so she would look at him. "Is that true?" She looked so defiant when she nodded. "Why?" Holly turned her head to glare at Serena.
"I told them I wouldn't eat if they didn't bring you back."
Nick looked back to Serena. Part of him was proud of Holly for fighting for what she thought was right. But most of him was just scared. Scared of how long it had taken before they brought her, scared of how bold she was in her defiance, scared of the fact that her mind had even thought of a hunger strike as a way to get what she wants. He set Holly away from him a little bit so he could look at her more closely. Her clothes were a little looser and beneath the anger he could see that she was tired.
He swung his legs up onto the bed and settled in properly. Then he patted the space next to him and watched as Holly scrambled up to cuddle into his side. It hurt, but he didn't let it show. "Mrs. Waterford?" Serena took a hesitant step closer. Nick wondered how she must feel- watching the little girl she loved and raised fight so hard to not be her child anymore. "Do you think you could get someone to bring in some food?" He let his gaze fall on Holly who was still glaring at Serena.
Serena understood, nodding before he had even finished his sentence. "Of course, I'll be back as soon as I can."
Then she was gone and the door was closing behind her. Nick put his arm around Holly and pulled her closer. She rested her head on his chest. He could handle as much shit as they threw at him as long as this little girl was alright. "You know you have to start eating, right?" The sigh Holly let out was so dramatic Nick had to force himself not to laugh. "I can handle being in here. But I need you to be okay out there. If you're not okay, I'm not okay."
Holly didn't react for the longest time and Nick knew she was thinking over what he had just said. He knew she was looking for a loophole, a way to get what she wanted without upsetting him. But there wasn't one for this. Holly, healthy and safe, was the only thing that would make Nick okay.
"Fine. But I still hate them. And I really miss you."
He squeezed her tighter. "Have you been reading and keeping up with your math and science?" And just like that things were fine. Holly launched into a spiel about how stupid long division was. And then they talked about the book she was reading. When Serena came back Holly was laughing and relaxed- enough that she didn't even notice the food Serena brought or the fact that she left as soon as she had placed it on the table. Nick hadn't eaten in a few days, if he were to guess, but he made sure that Holly ate at least two-thirds of everything.
And for the two hours he had with her, the world was alright.
His apartment was trashed. Books torn, the few CDs he had were broken. The camera was shattered. Holly had cried about that. But somehow they hadn't found the pictures in the closet or the letters and stories that Holly had written. Those things were still intact- still safe from Gilead.
But Nick knew that he was out of time. Holly couldn't stay in this place much longer- she was too rebellious. And now that she was older it would be easier to smuggle her out. She could follow instruction, she understood consequences even if he wished she didn't. So he worked out a plan. He moved pieces into place and got people he could trust to help him.
It was the first time he had blatantly lied to his daughter. He had never told her that the Waterfords were her parents. He had never said that Gilead was a good place. He never told her the rules were right. He kept quiet about those things until he couldn't anymore. But this- getting her out- was different. Because he knew when she asked that there was no way he would make it across any border alive.
Rita would be going with Holly. And Nick knew that Rita would do anything to keep his little girl safe. But it wasn't the same and it didn't ease his fears nearly as much as he wished it would. And keeping the truth from Holly made things harder for him too. Because he wanted to hug her all the time. He wanted to spend every single minute he could with her before he never had the chance again. But she thought he was coming, and he had to let her think it. So he acted normal. He kept his emotions to himself.
They packed her bag a few hours before she had to leave. Rita had snuck some of Holly's clothes over to his apartment. It was a slow process, but none of them could risk being caught doing anything suspicious. Holly stuffed the bag with clothes that Nick had folded. And while she did he just listened to her ramble. He memorized the sound of her voice and the way she would pause what she was doing so she could use her hands when she got excited. He told jokes so he could hear her laugh. He didn't ever want to forget any of it- not a single thing about her.
"Hey, Hol?" Her head flew up to look at him. He motioned for her to sit on the bed. It was almost time for her to go and he needed to tell her now. "We gotta talk." She got up from her spot on the floor and sat on the bed next to him. Nick pulled out an envelope from his jacket pocket and handed it to her. "I wrote this for your mom. I need you to promise me you'll give it to her when you see her, okay?" He watched Holly's face scrunch up in confusion.
"But you're coming too. Why can't you give it to her?"
He shook his head slowly. "I'm not coming." Her entire face fell. "If I go, they'll look for you sooner. You won't have enough time to get away." Tears were already filling Holly's eyes and Nick had to take a deep breath to keep from crying with her. "I need you to be safe. So I have to stay here."
"Will you come later?"
He wanted to say yes. He wanted to promise that this wouldn't be the last time they saw each other. But he didn't like lying to her. "I don't know. I'll try- I'll try really hard. But… No promises, okay?" She climbed onto his lap and he held her tight. Her hands took the letter from him and Nick watched as she turned it over and over in her hands as she pretended she wasn't crying. "You'll make sure your mom gets that for me?" She pressed her face to his chest and nodded. "You know I love you more than anything?"
"I love you, too."
Nick wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but he knew they were running out of time. He gently nudged Holly off of him and stood up. Her hand grabbed on to his and he froze for a minute when he realized that she wasn't going to let go until she had to. He didn't mind. He went to his closet and pulled out the box he kept his few keepsakes in, Holly still holding his hand. They took it back to the bed and Nick settled on the floor so that he could hold Holly while they packed.
There were fifteen letters inside that Holly had written: one on her birthday, one on June's birthday, and one on Hannah's birthday. One each year since he told her the truth. Nick put them in a zip-lock bag and placed them in Holly's bag. Then there were the selfies. Nick had always printed out two of each. And now he put one set in another zip-lock bag for Holly to take with her. And finally they went through her drawings. He and Holly chose which ones he should keep and which ones should go to June. For the first time he felt selfish, because he wanted to keep them all. He wanted every single reminder of his daughter. And he hated himself for it- he'd had ten years with her and June had two months. But it was still hard to drop the drawings into the bag and close it up.
He snuck one more thing into the side of Holly's bag before she zipped it up for good. Then they put the bag by the door and went back to the bed. He sat against the head board, Holly leaning against his chest from her spot between his legs. And he read to her. He read the first chapter of Alice in Wonderland. The pages were taped back together and a piece of construction paper was acting as the front cover, but it was Holly's favorite, so he read it. He read until Rita knocked on the door.
"I love you, Daddy."
"I love you, Holly."
Then she was gone and he was left to figure out what life was without her.