Disclaimer for the whole story: I do not own the Hunger Games.
The Victory Tour is today. My tired, early-morning mind can't seem to wrap itself around that. Amandla… What does she think of me? Is she angry with me for not visiting? I have an excuse. I'm unstable. I'm not capable of running out of my District without going full-on maniac mode. She'll understand. But that's not the whole story. Really, it was too painful to even think about it. Have I been selfish? I hope that isn't what she thinks.
Why is life so complicated? Maybe it's the traumatizing experience you had six months ago? I ask myself. The Games can have that effect on you. I wasn't even supposed to survive! I was supposed to die. So here I am, facing the person I may have loved the most and with the least hesitation in all my life. As embarrassing it is to say that, what with all the people I've cared about, I can't lie to myself. If you can't tell yourself the truth, who else is there left to confide in?
No one, I guess. Wren? Bailey? Takeda? They…they don't understand. Maybe Wren does, but not on such a deep level. He's never understood my preoccupation with Amandla. He doesn't know it, but in the arena, I felt like she was the last bit of innocence left in the world. Almost in the same way Bailey cares for her plants, or Takeda cares for her sister. They're protecting innocence.
But for Bailey it's not the same. I mean, they're just plants. Sometimes, I really hate how rational I am. Does that make me heartless? It feels that way sometimes. I should… go. Do something. Anything at all to make the thoughts stop. I should leave quickly to not get any more surprise visits from Wren. Today, I want to see no one. Unless they're my family. By family, I mean Bailey and Takeda. They're all the family I have left. I angrily yank the door open and step outside. I just feel like getting lost in the woods. Leaving everything, everyone. How many times have I wished this in the past few days? Too many times for it to be healthy. I stride around, not knowing where to go. I get lost, going left and right at random. Finally, I just sit down on the edge of the road in desperation. I will ignore any passersby.
A man, his face ashy and unshaven, passes by with a bucket. His dark hair falls limply in sad waves down his head. Is he getting water? Why does he look so sad? A woman, grim-faced and skeletal, with piercing eyes and dark hair pulled back tautly pulls along a little boy. He is six or so, his eyes peering out intelligently, his short, clumsy legs stumbling across the road. His scruffy hair looks grimy. I lay with head down on my knees, the image of someone who's given up. I hear another person passing and don't even look up.
"Lena? Is that you?" a voice demands from above. I quickly look up and see Takeda frowning. "What are you doing?"
"Despairing," I answer tiredly.
"Don't be stupid. Is this because of the Victory Tour?" she asks. I nod pitifully. "Well, unless you want to miss it, you better come to the square. It starts in ten minutes!"
"What?" I had completely lost track of time.
"And hurry, because someone has been asking around for you all morning." A small smile escapes me. Wren is again being overprotective.
"Let's go then!" I say and break into a run. Takeda follows me, laughing. She always gets me, and she gets my mood swings too. I suddenly regret not spending more time with her. I slow down as we're approaching the square. Already the music is playing, indicating the pre-ceremony speech is about to begin.