A/N: Hey, this is my Stony oneshot and my first ever songfic. Stony is my OTP, so if you don't like, I don't care. I'll go down with this ship. Also, I'll warn you, I'm not an excessive fan of comic books, so most (if not all) of anything that is canon comes from the Avengers movies. I wouldn't think that this would affect anything, but if you have a discrepancy, it's most likely because of that. By the way, the song is "Monster You Made" by Pop Evil. (Set after Iron Man 3.)
Disclaimer: I own not the characters (or Marvel, damn it) nor the song (or Pop Evil, damn it).
Internal War
Steve sat in his old bedroom, the one that had been redecorated all 1940's style for him. It was a safe haven from the rush of this confusing world he had woken up in, this world that condoned indecent things and screamed all of the time. Noisy, this world, and nosy. Everything you did, everyone knew. There was no place that didn't have cameras, it seemed, no place where you weren't watched. He hated being watched. It put him on edge. He felt like at any moment, someone would attack him because just anyone could figure out where he was in a matter of moments, thanks to this Internet thing that he still could barely work with. In a way, it made him wonder if they really had won the war.
Take a good look at me now
Do you still recognize me
Am I so different inside
This world is trying to change me
This new world was too fast, too. Nothing and no one moved leisurely anymore. It made him wonder if he was just too slow for this world, if it would have been better if he'd died in that hunk of ice instead of waking. He almost hated this world, and Steve Rogers was not one to hate anything, except what was indecent or cruel. He'd hated the Nazi Party. He'd hated people who picked on weaker people, still hated them. But this world… Steve hated almost everything. From the fancy phones they had now to the lack of patriotism to the way that just anything was accepted.
And I admit I don't wanna change with it
Steve was good at hiding his emotions, he had been trained to do so in the army. They called it 'military bearing' back then. He wasn't sure if that had changed, too. He hated how deeply ingrained the training was though. He didn't want to hide. He was having nightmares, lots of them, about everything. Losing Bucky, fighting Hydra, fighting aliens, almost losing Tony… he'd even had one where all of the fake Hitlers he had punched during the promotional skits came and found him and beat him up. While that one may have sounded stupid, it was, like the others, terrifying to him. Not to mention that he would just be doing his daily routine, like working out in the gym using the punching bags or going on a run, and the memories of his past would flood his mind, terrifying him and making him that much more aggressive.
And I admit I can't go on like this anymore
All Steve could see at any given part of the day was all that had happened, all that he had done. The explosions of buildings, the death that he caused… The war, the loss of friends. The way he had kissed Peggy and realized almost instantly that he was an abomination. Steve raked his fingers through his typically neat hair in irritation. All of the bad things he had done… they just far outweighed any of the good things. Could God even forgive him? He had accepted Jesus a long time ago, but he had quit going to church. He couldn't sit there in a pew anymore, feeling all of this anger and shame and misery. He tried so hard to be good… so why had he become so evil?
Erase this monster I've become
Forgive me for all the damage done
It's not over
Say it's not over
I'm begging for mercy
I'm only the monster you made me
What Steve hated most of all was the loneliness. He had companions, certainly, and he could always call someone if he wanted to, but they didn't connect with him in the same manner that they would have if they were from his time. Especially Tony. Tony was… nothing like his father, to say the least. He looked like him, clearly, but he was not anything like him. Well, he was a genius, that much was certain, but the similarities ended there. Tony was just so much more… volatile. What he hated most and least about this time was Tony Stark.
xXx A Year Later xXx
Tony had gone to get help after his fight with the Mandarin. Tony was better now. He controlled the nightmares, he kept his panic attacks and such at bay. Tony was stable, for once in his life. Tony was happy, too. Tony had split off from Pepper, not because he didn't care about her. Tony had discovered through therapy and talking about his problems that his lack of commitment to any one woman was because he was actually gay. He had denied himself the freedom of this time because even in this time, being gay had a cost, but after he had come to terms with all that he was, he decided that because he loved Pepper (in the way that one loves a best friend/caretaker), he could not hurt her by staying with her. After the initial pain and shock wore off, Pepper accepted Tony, as he had known she would. Now who was Tony with? None other than Steve Rogers, aka sexy super soldier.
Tony smiled, cuddling into Steve's chest as they lie in Steve's room. They had been together a little over three months, and Tony had never been happier in his life. Despite this, something bothered Tony occasionally. Steve was… almost more volatile than Bruce. He snapped at the littlest things, became agitated doing nothing more than working out, though it used to calm him down. Tony frowned. Steve would be carrying a conversation, then randomly zone out and zone back in angry and anxious. Tony could remember times like that in his own life, but Steve… Steve was worse. Tony kissed his boyfriend's chest as he slept, thinking. This was one of only a handful of times that they had stayed the night together (thanks to Steve's old-fashioned rule of chastity), but each time, Steve slept poorly. He would thrash around in his sleep, or wake up from nightmares freaking out before he'd either leave or calm himself down enough to lay back at Tony's side. Steve needed help, help that Tony couldn't offer him. Tony loved him, sure, and he had been through one ordeal with him, but there was a difference between a genius going through this and a soldier going through it. Anytime he asked Steve about it, though, Steve got offended and proceeded to tell Tony that he was fine, and he was happy with him. Tony couldn't be sure.
The next night, they stayed in Tony's room. Tony fell asleep quickly, and Steve was left awake to think, again. He hated thinking anymore. His thoughts were like a prison. They always circled back to those same things that he didn't want to think about. And Tony… Tony was great, but Steve couldn't explain this stuff to him. He wondered if he was really cut out to be with someone, or if he should just accept that he would always be alone. He wondered if he could ever fix himself, get back to how he was before he'd gotten into this mess.
I'm better alone now
See I'm torn from my mistakes
And I've stopped believing that I could ever make things change
Furthermore, he hurt Tony all the time. Tony would never admit to it, but Steve was borderline abusive sometimes. Steve didn't want to be, but he couldn't control himself. He had never hit Tony, but if Tony said something that made Steve remember… Steve wouldn't have it. He'd get angry, ferociously angry, and either yell at Tony or get up and leave to go beat up more punching bags, which didn't even really help him anymore. He could see the hurt and confusion in Tony's expressive eyes each time this happened, and somewhere in the back of his mind he heard a voice whisper "Stop. You don't mean this. Stop," but Steve couldn't. He tried, truly tried, but words tumbled from his lips unchecked and unstoppable. He hated it. The one person in the entire world that he had ever really and honestly loved was Tony, and Steve couldn't quit screwing it up. A few times, Tony had suggested therapy or counseling, but Steve would not have it. He wasn't weak. If the pile of broken punching bags he had left against the wall during workout that day were any indication, he was strong. Not to mention that asking for help went against his training. Therapy wouldn't be happening for him.
How much can I take
When I know that it hurts you
How long can I wait
When I can't go on like this anymore
Finally exhaustion overcame him and he slept fitfully, tossing and turning, causing Tony to roll over on his side with his back to Steve, finding cuddling to be too much of a struggle. Not for the first time, Tony woke to Steve having a nightmare, only this one must have been something truly awful. Steve writhed and flinched, tossing and turning like a tornado. Tony sat up, and gently placed his hand on the soldier's chest. "Steve?" Tony whispered. "Steve, sweetheart, wake up." Steve's eyes flew open at once, but there was an insane glint in them that Tony was unaccustomed to. He sprang away from Steve, moving over to the other side of the bed, frightened by the larger man. No. He was shocked, sure, but not scared. He could never be scared of his love… right? Steve looked around and his then-horrific blue eyes met Tony's concerned brown ones. Steve leaped at Tony, rolling them off of the bed, and Steve landed on top straddling his chest. He hit Tony square in the jaw, hearing something pop, feeling the satisfaction of another Hydra operative being put out of service. He hit him again, this time in the eye. Another time. Tony struggled underneath him, screaming. "Steve it's me!" Blood spurted from his nose. "Stop! Please, stop it! It was-" Steve hit his mouth, causing him to bite his tongue and his lip to split. "A nightmare! It's me, Tony!" he begged. Steve couldn't hear him. He was lost deep in the recesses of his memory where he couldn't escape.
Tony could take a beating, but from a soldier with super strength and without help from his suit? It would be too much for anyone. "Sto-hop," he choked between sobbing as Steve raised his fist again. Tony braced himself for another hit, but Steve was yanked off of him by a very displeased Thor.
"Friend Steve! Why are you harming Friend Stark?!" Thor yelled angrily. Steve turned and decked him in the face as well, though due to a poor angle, there was not much damage. Thor grabbed him and held his hands behind him, restraining him. Clint rushed to help Thor.
"LET ME GO!" Steve roared and struggled as Bruce and Natasha rushed to Tony's side, checking the damage.
"Jarvis! Tony needs a hospital!" Bruce yelled at the AI as Natasha stood, standing in front of Steve, who kicked and wriggled and screamed with all his might, almost more than Thor and Clint could handle.
"Steve, quit!" Clint yelled, holding tighter to Steve's arm as he was kicked in the shin.
"Hydra will fall!" Steve yelled. "You won't win this war!" Thor looked at Clint in confusion. Natasha stood in front of Steve, drawing herself up to full height, which was still several inches shorter than him.
"STAND DOWN, SOLDIER!" she yelled in his face. Steve blinked in confusion, but then continued to hurl threats at Hydra as Natasha continued yelling at him to stand down. The yelling proceeded louder and louder until finally, Steve stopped and went somewhat limp. Unprepared for this, Thor and Clint dropped him, and he fell back against the wall, clutching his head, disoriented.
Erase this monster I've become
Steve looked around, clearly still somewhat out of it. He looked up at Natasha, Clint, and Thor, then past them to Bruce and Tony. "T-Tony?" Steve asked, fear lacing his voice. What had happened? He always strived so hard for control. How had he lost control? He made to move toward Tony, but Thor grabbed him and held him back again. Steve didn't resist. He just stared at Tony. How could this have happened? How… how had he let himself do this? Why Tony? Paramedics finally arrived not much later, and took the unconscious Tony to the hospital. Banner made the call that Steve and he should stay while the others followed to the hospital. They didn't know quite what to do with him yet. He hadn't been in his right mind, but he had still hurt Tony. Badly.
Forgive me for all the damage done
Tony was in a coma. Because of Steve. Steve sat in his room, hating himself. Tony could die. How could Steve have let himself get to this point? How could he have become so evil when all he had tried to do was good? Tony could die any second.
It's not over
The team wouldn't let him visit Tony, wouldn't even let him send flowers or stupid nonsense like that. Steve hated them for that, but he knew that if he was in their shoes, he would make the same decisions. Steve hated himself even more. Fury had visited both of them the day it had happened, and he told Steve to figure out how to fix himself because if something like this ever happened again, Steve would be permanently removed from the team and from S.H.I.E.L.D. as a whole. As of now, he was suspended, and confined to his floor of the tower. Jarvis provided his only company for most of that time, and occasionally he would ask Jarvis about Tony, though he knew already that Jarvis was forbidden to tell him. No one on the team wanted to see him. No one wanted to hear that he was sorry, that he hadn't known what he was doing. No one wanted to give him news about Tony. S.H.I.E.L.D. trusted him less than the Hulk right now. Steve didn't blame them, but he was angry. Did they just assume he had snapped of his own accord? That there wasn't some cause for it? No one even questioned Tony when he went through this. It was a similar situation; his suit had almost hurt Pepper. Why was Steve different? Because Tony actually did get hurt, and because S.H.I.E.L.D.'s golden boy wasn't allowed to have problems. Steve was supposed to be perfect, so no one had thought to ask him why he had done it. No one had thought to ask if he was okay. He had failed them, sure, but hadn't they failed him as well?
Say it's not over
I'm begging for mercy
I'm only the monster you made me
"Jarvis?" Steve said hoarsely, having not used his voice in a while. Tony had been comatose for weeks.
"Yes, Capcicle?" Jarvis responded. Steve frowned. He hadn't called him that before.
"Did you just call me…?" Steve asked, looking up at the ceiling as though he could see the AI.
"Yes, Spangly, I did," Jarvis answered, prompting a more questioning look from Steve. 'Spangly?'
"Why?" Steve asked.
"I am unable to tell you directly, He-Who-Wields-The-Fancy-Frisbee, but I am able to tell you that the only one who has access to engage my Name Calling Protocols is Mr. Stark," Jarvis answered.
"So Tony's awake?!" Steve asked, jumping up off of the bed excitedly as he looked up at the ceiling.
"You did not hear that from me, Old Man." Steve let out a noise of joy and relief as he sunk back onto the couch, covering his face with his hands. He felt tears, real tears, of relief flood his vision. Tony would be alright.
"Jarvis?" he asked, regaining his composure some.
"Yes, 'MURICA – Protector of Freedom?" Jarvis responded. Despite himself, Steve snorted. 'Really Tony?' he thought. "'Murica?"
"Would you please pull a list of S.H.I.E.L.D. approved therapists who have prior experience serving in the military?" Steve asked, looking at the picture of Tony that had been sitting next to him the entire time of Tony's hospital stay. "I need to get help before I see him again."
"Certainly, Blondie. Please wait a moment." Steve cringed. Tony knew he hated to be called that, which was probably why he'd done it. "There are several who would fit your search criteria, however, I took the liberty of narrowing it down to include those within New York. After cross-referencing your recent behavior with that of the patients of each therapist, I have come up with a list of seven that would suit you well. The top three and the last two work at a VA hospital." Steve nodded.
"Thank you, Jarvis. Please print them out for me." Within seconds, Steve heard the sound of the printer firing up in the other room.
"Will that be all, Flag Face?" Jarvis asked.
"Can you tell Tony something for me?" Steve asked after thinking for a moment.
"Of course, Captain Ice Age," Jarvis answered. If Jarvis could feel annoyed, Steve was pretty sure he could hear it at these stupid nicknames. There was almost a sigh in the voice of the AI.
"Tell Tony that I don't want to see him for a while… I love him, but… I need to sort myself out before he can be safe around me. I… I don't ever want to hurt him again," Steve said softly.
"Consider it done, Steve," Jarvis responded, ending the conversation.
Steve left the room to go to the printer, picked up the list of therapists, and began contacting them, in order. After contacted each one for a brief interview, Steve settled on the third one on Jarvis's list. He packed a small bag and, using the override protocol password that Jarvis left open on the computer screen, left the tower, carefully sneaking by Bruce and Thor as he did so. Seconds later, Steve was hailing a cab and making his way to a VA hospital not far from the tower. He checked himself in and waited for the therapist. After a brief discussion, he was checked into the PTSD Resident Rehabilitation Program. He was given a schedule, a room to stay, and an accompanying counselor, who would basically just make sure that he went to his meetings on time and provide someone outside of those meetings to talk to, someone to eat with, etc. His bag was searched, and it was agreed that he was allowed to keep everything in the bag except for his pocket knife, which would be returned to him upon his discharge from the hospital. He settled in for a long stay of therapy and support groups.
Because who I am
Isn't who I used to be
And I'm not invincible
I'm not indestructible
I'm only human
Can't you see
The beauty in me
xXx Ten Weeks Later xXx
Steve finally walked out of the hospital, having finally finished the program. It wasn't as though the things that had bothered him before didn't bother him still, but he felt ready to face them now. He could cope. He could talk about the memories. He had finally been able to achieve restful sleep. His temperament was much closer to what it had been before all of the mess with S.H.I.E.L.D., before the war. Steve… finally felt like Steve again. And now, Steve was going home.
Back at Stark Tower, the team was sitting in Tony's huge living room, watching a movie. Jarvis had informed the team and Fury of Steve's location when they came back and found him gone, and as soon as Tony was up and moving, he had attempted to go and visit. He had been turned away. The program allowed limited visits from family and friends, but Steve had requested specifically not to let anyone visit him. He wanted to fix himself before he let anyone see him. Halfway into the treatment, he reversed this decision, but no one came to visit him after Tony was turned away. Steve wondered if Tony had come to break up with him and that was why he hadn't come to talk to him again. Steve would have tried to see Tony every day had the roles been reversed. As it was, Tony was finally up walking around after having had a couple of ribs and an arm broken from the impact of Steve knocking him to the floor. He sat with the team on the couch as Jarvis alerted him that Steve had arrived back at the tower.
The team looked around at each other uncomfortably, and Thor, who was typically rather jovial, solemnly turned off the TV. Tony stood. "You guys keep watching the movie without me… I'm… I'm going to my room," he said, turning and making a quick exit to his bedroom, which had been completely rearranged and refurbished since the incident, so that Tony could sleep there without the bad memories and the blood stains on the carpet. Tony just wasn't ready to face him. Originally, he had wanted to go and tell Steve that everything was okay, that he wasn't mad at him, and that he still wanted to be together. Now Tony wasn't so sure. He knew that Steve wasn't in his right mind when he had done that. He knew Steve loved him. Steve hadn't wanted to hurt Tony, and Steve had wanted to come see him, but the others wouldn't let him, Jarvis had told him. But Steve had shut him out. He wouldn't let Tony visit, and this had made Tony angry and hurt worse than the beating had. This was Steve cognitively shutting him out of his life for ten weeks. There was no cause for that, Tony felt. Steve went to therapy, which was what Tony had wanted from him in the first place, but Tony hadn't meant that kind of therapy. He hadn't meant for Steve to cut him out of his life when he most needed to be reassured that Steve loved him. Tony had wanted to help Steve through this. Why would Steve have just blocked him out, unless he didn't want Tony anymore. This was the conclusion that Tony had come to, and the reason that Tony had disappeared when Steve returned. If Steve was going to break up with Tony, then he didn't want to see Steve.
Steve knocked on Tony's door, having paused only long enough to apologize to the team and inquire Tony's whereabouts. They sent him toward Tony's room, but the billionaire was not responding. "Tony?" Steve asked, nervously. "Tony… It's me, Steve. Please open up."
"Go away, Steve," came Tony's reply. Steve winced. He had expected that. He didn't deserve to even see Tony again. But he had to try. He just wanted one chance. One chance to tell Tony he was sorry. To his face. Then if Tony couldn't forgive him, Steve would understand. Steve would do the right thing and leave. Just one apology, just to see Tony and make sure he was alright. Then Tony could be done with him if he wanted to be. He had become himself again. He wouldn't hurt Tony anymore, with him or apart from him.
Take a good look at me now
Can't you see I've changed
Steve sighed and entered the override code that Tony had forgotten to change and walked in. "Tony…" he said softly, seeing the man for the first time in over three months. Tony turned, surprised, and their eyes locked, deep brown into bright blue. Steve, for the first time since the alien attacks, felt a true connection to another human being. It wasn't the warped, half-emotion that he had felt toward Tony before going to the PTSD treatment center. No, this was different. This was real. He could actually sense his heart beating as he looked at Tony. He felt alive. He was there, in the moment, not stuck in a miserable vision of some past terror. Steve was with Tony. He was home.
Erase this monster I've become
"Tony… I'm so sorry," Steve said softly, still standing on the other side of the room from Tony, afraid to move toward him, afraid to turn away. He'd had a speech all planned out, rehearsed, ready to deliver. He'd practiced it countless times, but as he looked into Tony's guarded eyes, all of those words died in his throat. He didn't remember a single rehearsal. After a significant pause, he just started in, hoping that by some miracle he'd manage to say everything he had meant to before. "I should have listened to you when you told me that I needed help. I know that what I've been going through is the reason that I hurt you… not just physically, but emotionally so much… I'm… I'm so sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm not here for that. I just wanted you to know that I love you, whether it seemed like it or not, whether you believe me or not. You're the only reason I got better. Thinking of being with you… that's my only comfort. Thinking of your smile, your sarcasm… All of you. I'm so sorry I didn't see what I was doing to you… how I was hurting you," Steve said, staring straight at Tony.
Forgive me for all the damage done
"How was rehab?" Tony asked, ignoring the apology. He couldn't deal with it. Not yet.
"It was… hard at first," Steve said, frowning at the memory. Tony's lack of attention to his apology didn't surprise him. "But each day got better, and I got through it eventually. I didn't even really notice how badly I was sleeping until the first night without a nightmare," he added, looking down at Tony's new carpet. "Or how often I snapped at people until I was about halfway through. I learned so much about my recent self, Tony, and I want you to know that that's not me. I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to the other one. I'm not him. I swear, I've changed so much since I went there." Steve looked up at Tony, and Tony saw, for the first time, a slight sheen in his eyes that had never been there before. Despite the sadness and remorse he knew the Captain felt, his eyes had lost some of the pained aura that they'd previously possessed.
It's not over
Tony nodded. "It was sort of like that for me, too. It took me a lot longer than you, though. I never realized what was wrong with me until after I destroyed the suits for Pepper. I went back that night and had the worst panic attack I'd ever had because the suits were gone. All that was left for me to use to protect her was gone, my house was gone. I felt like I'd lost all that I was, like the suit was me. I started going to therapy the next day. I still go, you know. To counselling."
Steve looked up, shocked. "You never told me that," he said. Tony shrugged.
"You never asked, and I was embarrassed. I knew you thought it was weak. I wanted to be strong for you, since, for once, I was actually the more stable one," Tony said, attempting a halfhearted joke, which was astonishingly true.
Say it's not over
Steve smiled, also halfheartedly and came to stand next to Tony, looking out the huge window at the city. Witty retorts died on his lips as he looked at Tony. He wanted to tell him that he wouldn't have thought he was weak, but he knew better. He didn't understand back then. Now he knew better. He hated that he had kept his love from confiding in him because of his narrow mind. Like he'd had a narrow mind about his love. Like he had a narrow mind about so many good things from this time. "I've missed you, Tony," he said finally. "I was wrong. I was so wrong about so many things. I was wrong about therapy, wrong that I could handle this alone… wrong that I couldn't talk to you about my feelings. I was wrong to think that you wouldn't understand or that you would laugh. I know better now. I wish I could go back and address my problems before they got so bad, but I can't take it back. I'd do right by you this time, if I could. I can't change what I did. I'm sorry. I know that I don't deserve it. I'm sorry that I even ask, but you're… you're everything. I can't be happy without you. I have no right to ask this… will you… will you take me back?" Steve asked softly, looking deliberately away from Tony and out the window. He did not want to see Tony's face when Tony rejected him.
I'm begging for mercy
Tony looked at him, biting his lip. "Steve, look at me," he gently commanded, watching the super soldier's tormented expression as his eyes were slowly drawn to Tony's face. The prickly feeling behind Steve's eyes that had warned him of a flood finally saw the fruition of its prediction. Tony moved closer to him, hesitated, then gently placed a hand on Steve's cheek, wiping away a tear before gently kissing Steve's lips. It was a chaste kiss, gentle, soft, and warm, but Steve had never felt so alive. Before when he had kissed Tony, he always had a reserved feeling in his chest that tore him away from the moment. This stemmed from paranoia that either someone was going to come attack while he was at his weakest, or Tony was going to leave him. The liberation he experienced without that reserved feeling rebuilt him. Tony pulled away, and Steve stared at him for a minute, as his tears fell more freely. "I've never seen you cry, Cap," Tony said, seeming stunned.
"I've never felt like I could," Steve answered, more tears spilling from his eyes. Steve leaned his head on Tony's shoulder and let the tears come, gently holding Tony against him for his own comfort. "I'm sorry, Tony. I'm so sorry for what I did to you."
I'm only the monster you made me
Tony brought his lips to Steve's again. "Look, Steve, I know you didn't mean to. I know you didn't want to. I saw your face when you realized what you did, before I passed out. I know you'd never knowingly do that, but from now on… can we stay in your room? I feel like you'll feel safer there, and I don't want you to freak out again, because, well, really I'm no match for you," Tony said, blushing.
"I'd do anything to make you comfortable with me again. Anything at all," Steve said. He held tighter to Tony. "I want us to be happy together. I want to heal so I can be better for you."
Tony nodded and smiled. He felt better about the Captain than he had since they got together. "I can help you heal, you know. You aren't alone," he said softly. Steve smiled in return. The two lied down and cuddled on Tony's bed, feeling their utter togetherness carry them under a safety net with each other. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Steve felt purely safe. He sighed and lie on Tony's chest, the arc reactor humming in his ear as he shed the remainder of his tears. Tony still loved him. With Tony at his side, Steve felt like a full recovery was not only possible, but also highly probable. Tony played with his hair as they lie there. "I love you, Steve."
That was all Steve needed to hear.
Far away through the pain
I hear the angels calling
Far away through the pain
I see my demons falling
Far away through the pain
I hear the angels calling
Far away through the pain
I see my demons falling
"I love you, too, Tony."