The year was…. really hard to say, actually. But it was a time when the Greeks and the Romans warred with all of the other countries around them. Usually, it was for silly things like religion, or lions and bears, or what colors the new fall line of armor should be, or scientology, or if jousters could get a ten count time out…. by the way, they can't. Anyway, this is a time ruled by the one and only, the great powerful almighty God like man named Caesar… Yes you heard me right, Vince Caesar.
"Father dearest, I'm ever so bored…"
"Now young Stephania, your papa will cheer you up." Vince Caesar stood up and walked out of the palace chambers and out the door down the hall. At the end open outside ran a long walk on top of a wall, separating the rich within the castle from the poor scum massed outside. At the end of the walk wall was a balcony where Vince Caesar could address his people. "Citizens of Athens!" Vince Caesar's bellow caused the massive population to freeze and rush over like a flock hearing the sound of food hitting the trough. "I propose a contest to amuse us!"
"Oh great, not this again…"
"Quiet Jericus! Now as I was announcing, in this contest, we shall pit thirty of the best and strongest of the city against each other, the winner shall receive a grand prize of wealth and luxury… until the next year when it's done again and he's replaced… but still the principles remain the same, and the name of the game is sportsmanship my fellow man. You will fight in Greco-Roman style wrestling until only one man is left standing. And may the best man win." Vince Caesar smiled and murmuring began to rise up from out of the people. "SHUT UP!" Ah, silence… "Now, qualifying rounds shall be held under the watchful eye of my son Shanecus. Tomorrow the games will begin and at the end of the week we shall hold a grand weekend long event which I like to call…. The Royalus Rumblus!" The crowd roared their approval with applause.
"Oh Vince Caesar you're so wise!" The wenches all cheered. "Sleep with us, embed in us the fruit of your bountiful seed! SQUEAL!"
"Ah, my pride…" Vince Caesar beamed as his ego swelled. He turned and walked inside, sitting down next to his two children. "There you are my daughter. A Royalus Rumblus."
"Father, must I really venture in with those dirty peasants?" Shanecus turned up his nose.
"Thou art not questioning ye yonder, err…. Bah, somebody improve on our dang language already!" Vince Caesar barked.
"I'm on it my sir." Lindania, his wife, bowed her head and left the room.
"I'm so glad I married that bountifully scandelous wench… I mean sure she used to be hot before getting knocked up by my giant grapefruits of wrath… but she's still got a brain in her…. Well, at least for the next few years, lest she get the plague." Vince Caesar ranted on and did a cross across his chest. Shanecus and Stephania gave each other an odd look.
Theth nexteth day…..eth…
"Okay, well I have gathered here a list from the polls of whom all you think shall rightfully be in the Royalus Rumblus. I've personally made matches to take place in various ally ways in the city. I've hired a team of referee's to monitor these matches, as the smell of your dirt makes me naucious. At the end of the week I will announce the thirty winners. So good luck, now I am off to the theater, because thespians are cleaner and better looking than the lot of you. Good day." Shanecus quickly made his leave.
"Yeah, I agree, those thespians are well bread…." Jericus mumbled to some of the nearby people in the crowd.
"Yeah we stink." Victor sniffed himself. "Literally, I'm serious!"
"Good luck and may the best man win."
"Thanks Jericus, I hope to see you in the Rumblus."
"You can count on it, but I'm not the one you should worry about, it's you." Jericus left with his nose stuck up in the air.
"Man… what a pompous ass." Victor walked off.
A little information about Jericus… he was the sole survivor of the Pompeii volcanic eruption. The people of Pompeii had always been known as an arrogant breed, but being the last of something really turns on the wenches, and Jericus has slept with many of the hottest of the hotties. The term pompus is derived from the arrogance of the sole Pompeii man.
And something on Victor. He is Stephania's powerful statuesque boyfriend. Of all the dirty, poor, ugly people of Athens, he was the most handsome and powerful. So since she failed to find a suiter in any of the other warring states, and since he saved her life from a runaway flaming carriage, they began to go out on dates…. Yes, eating dates. That's how that term came about too.
And so the qualifying rounds lasted all week, Shanecus took a bath in the luxury spa and hen took his finest wench to the opera where he could watch the thespians and look down on all the poor scum that stood in the pit below. At the end of the week, the winners were to be announced.
"And so you have all been gathered here today for the long week awaited announcement of the members of the first ever annual Royalus Rumblus." Shanecus was standing on the balcony where his father had first given birth to the brainchild of the event. "I wont be reading the list as my throat is tender from my father's purgery. So here's the agenda, fight over it." Shanecus threw the list down into the crowd and walked off. Everyone jumped and scrambled to reach for it. Both Victor and Jericus jumped beside the other.
"Ha, I got it, I jumped higher, in your face!" Victor taunted.
"So what big whoop, did you even make it onto the list?" Jericus looked over his shoulder. "HA, I see my name, look!" He pointed.
"And are you blind? My name is right next to yours. Good luck, losers." Victor walked off.
"I'll show ye…" Jericus leered. Wait, people from Pompeii didn't talk like Napoleon. "No he was French I thought." Yeah, and French people talk by saying things like 'wee we'. "What? Oh bathroom's over there." Oh…. thanks… AHEM.
The contenders on the list were as read
Tripleus Hus, Ricus "The Ruckus" Flairius, Chrisius Benoiticus, Chrisius Jericus, Victor, Kurtius "The Courteous" Angelus, Bigeous Showeus, Bookerus Tus, RVD… yeah just plain ol RVD, Batistus, Randyus Ortonus, Kaneus, Takerus, Carlotius, Chrisius Masterus, along with fifteen other jobbers who live randomly throughout the city… and no I'm not going to name them…!
"Welcome to the Royalus Rumblus!" Vince Caesar announced as the thirty men all stood in the Gladiator's battle ring, the people all roaring in the packed stands around them. Vince Caesar smiled to himself, "Ticket prices went up and still they sell out and beg for more. Oh Vince Caesar you make yourself so much richer with your brainy schemes. Ahem! Now my people, I ask you to enjoy, go to the lobby bins for refreshments. After the show, the winner will be made available for autographs, so I hope you brought a thin slab and your chisel!" Vince Caesar winked and a lot of the people held up just that.
"I can't wait to become a celebrity again!" Former thespian Jericus beamed.
"You have to get through me first." Victor sneered.
"And you have to get through thirty other men."
"No actually 28 not including you and me."
"Wait huh what?"
"Thespians from Pompeii…. I tell ya, no brains at all whatsoever…" Victor walked off.
"What did you say? Hey come back here when I yell at you like this!"
"And so now…. Let the Rumblus begin!" Vince Caesar raised a fist.
"AH!" All thirty men ran at each other and began to fight.
"Open the cages!" Vince Caesar pointed and the armed guards raised the cage door and some lions ran out.
"AH!" All thirty men began to run away and flee in circles around the area floor.
Vince Caesar sat down with a smile, "Ah my lovelies enjoy."
"I hope you like the new language I invented for you my dear." Lindania spoke up.
"I do. Too bad you couldn't change their names thought, ugh…"
"I have an answer to that my father." Shanecus spoke up. "Invent the superior court and grant a name changing clause."
"Ah my son you are genius! I see my brain's knowledge runs to my loins as it was passed on along to you."
"Ugh father please I'm trying to enjoy the match." Stephania sighed.
"You just like to see your Victor in action." Lindania smiled. "The best man will win."
"And to the Victor goes the spoil."
"Whose Victor?" Shanecus turned to Vince Caesar, who just shrugged.
In the battlefield, the dirt rose around the contenders as one by one they began to fatigue and fall until there was only two men standing. Victor and Jericus.
"You're going down Jericus."
"No you're doing down Victor."
"That wasn't creative. I thought you said you used to be a thespian."
"And I thought you were smart. You should know that thespians just read and in act scripts. Shakespeare writes them!"
"RAH!" They roared and clashed in the middle, grappling and tangling moves.
"Woo alright look at that, yeah, way to go!" The crowd was loving it.
"Whoa!" Jericus was picked up as Victor lifted him over his head, and with a roar and a slam against the pillar wall holding up the arena stone rafters, Jericus fell onto the ground in defeat and didn't get up.
"And here's your winner, Victor!" Shanecus announced and the crowd went wild as Victor showboated.
"Damn you cocky bastard…" Jericus coughed up the dust.
"Me a snob? Heh. And I'm not even the one from Pompeii." Victor walked off.
"Hey come back here, I'm not done with you yet! You don't walk away from Chrisius Jericus laying on the ground when I'm yelling at you like that!" He shook his fists. "Come back here I say!"
"Hurray for Victor!" Stephania hugged him as he climbed up the stairway and made it to the winners box.
"Congratulations Victor!" Vince Caesar raised the hand of the fine young man as the people of the city cheered loudly for their pauper gone prince. "And I hereby do decree, that in honor of the first winner of the Royalus Rumblus, every champion who wins in any contest from here on out shall be referred to as Victorious!"
"So…" Stephania paused in thought. "Any person who wins shall be named Victorious?"
"No, no, no, my child. He shall be called Victorious."
"Yeah, no I see, so what you're saying he'll be named Victorious."
"No daughter!" Vince Caesar tried to remain calm. "His name won't change."
"But you're calling him Victorious, so you're giving him a new name."
"NOOOOO, NOO!" Vince Caesar whined.
"Now, now father. Let the champion be crowned." Shanecus stepped in.
"I'll handle that. Come my lovely Victorious." Stephanie smiled and led her winner of a boyfriend into her sleeping chambers.
"Oh after tonight, I really shall be Victorious!" Victor smirked as they closed the door behind them.
"Ugh…" Vince Caesar slumped down in his chair. "Well maybe next year we can loose the lion round and make things more entertaining for me…"
"Eh, what?" Lindania and Shanecus gave each other a confused look. Shanecus had had just about enough. He pulled out his sword and literally stabbed his father right in the back.
"AH!" Vince Caesar turned to see his son do his standard pigeon strut. "Et tu Shanecus?"
And with his final parting words, Vince Caesar fell and died… and Shanecus gained the thrown of Caesar over all the land. But don't think that Vince's acts didn't go unnoticed. The Royalus Rumblus was continued, and as the former Caesar once declared, every winner or champion of any contest shall be known as…. Victorious. Oh and by the way, Stephania and Victor had a son and did call upon their first child the name of Victorious.