Ashes and Wine

by missdallywinston

Sure, they had both had moments where they wanted to throw their hands up in the air, but neither of them ever caved in to that desire. Neither of them had ever said they wanted to so seriously, with such finality, like he just had.

(A/N:) Okay, I stayed up until 3 am crying and writing this so I hope you enjoy this angsty, depressing little Ezria one shot :)

Don't know what to do anymore.
I've lost the only love worth fighting for.
I'll drown in my tear storming sea;
that would show you, that would make you hurt like me.

Aria could feel Emily's eyes staring daggers into her head, and she had that feeling for the whole damn car ride. She wanted to glance back, give Emily a warning glance, but Emily had a point. A great point.

She wanted to tell Ezra about her small infidelity, if you could even call it that. She wanted to let him know what happened so they could continue with their absolute honesty policy – they had been doing complete and utter honesty since about November. Leave it to her to bring it back to secrets and lies. She also refrained from telling him because something told her it would do more harm than good. And she hated seeing Ezra hurt.

But the feeling that made her anxious, made the hole in her stomach even bigger, wasn't that she had kissed another guy behind Ezra's back while they were sort of still seeing one another. The feeling that ate at her and ate at her was that she liked it. She liked being with Andrew.

She loved Ezra, and as much as she hated to admit it, but she felt like maybe they were spent. Maybe they were simply past their due date. Maybe Ezra and Aria were just burned out and they couldn't get the spark back.

That's part of the reason why she kissed Andrew back in the first place. The last few times she had been with Ezra, it felt strange… forced, almost. Sure, she loved him and kissed him every time she saw him, but it just wasn't like it used to be. She wasn't sure what caused it. It could be the book, or her impending departure to college, but there was definitely something that had quietly impacted them and knocked them back off their feet.

"Do we know anyone else who could know who Varjak?" Ezra asked, breaking the awkward silence in the car.

"I don't know anyone… Maybe Mike? Did you ask him?" Emily questioned Aria.

She sighed heavily and shrugged. "No, not really. I haven't talked to him today except for 'Pass the cereal' at breakfast," Aria said in a bored tone.

They fell back into silence and let the pop music on the radio have the airtime in the car. After a few more minutes though, Ezra patted Aria's thigh. "Hey, do you want to have a late dinner at the apartment? I-I could make something or we could order in?" Ezra asked hopefully. Ever since he merely suggested breaking up before college, he felt like he didn't have a girlfriend. Yeah, they texted a little throughout the day, but by their texts, you would think they were coworkers who only tolerated each other. Not a loving couple.

"Oh, I can't," Aria rebuffed. She was thrilled that she was driving when she said it because it gave her an excuse to stare at the road and not his most likely pitiful, rejected countenance.

"Why?" Ezra asked sadly.

Emily muttered bitterly under her breath, "Tutoring session with Andrew probably."

Aria's jaw dropped slightly as she glanced at Emily, who hadn't ever intended on either of them hearing her annoyed words. Ezra just wrinkled his forehead prior to asking, "Who's Andrew?" He was confused, mainly because he never heard the name before, but also because Emily sounded a little irritated when she mumbled it.

"Oh, uh, h-he's just my tutor," Aria stammered, making Emily roll her eyes in the backseat. She was sick of Aria not talking to Ezra and was even sicker of seeing Ezra mope around at work and constantly check his phone. Aria and Ezra were gonna talk this through and both of them would be happy again.

"Aria, come on, it's a Friday! Take a break," Emily said while scheming in her head. "He's tutored you every week. Take the night off and enjoy dinner with your boyfriend."

Aria gritted her teeth; truthfully, her plan was that after sleuthing, she would be going to dinner with Andrew.

"You don't have to," Ezra quickly assured upon seeing the tenseness between the two friends. "But I really would like you to."

Forcing back a groan, Aria gave in. She couldn't reject both their pleas and keep Ezra from getting suspicious. "Fine. I'll call Andrew and we can have dinner," Aria mumbled to Ezra as she kept her eyes straight ahead.

All the same,
I don't want mudslinging games.
It's such a shame
to let you walk away.

After one very, very tense dinner, Aria and Ezra retreated to the couch. However they sat apart, a pillow in between the two, not cuddled as per usual.

"So, did you enjoy dinner?" Ezra asked softly, not knowing what to say. He wanted to invite her to stay the night, or offer to put on the movie, but he had a feeling she would reject either advances. And he really wasn't in the mood to be rejected.

"Yeah, it was great, thanks," Aria said in a rush. They sat together silently and Aria glanced at the clock. It was only a little before ten, she could still maybe meet up with Andrew. "Hey, I actually think I'm gonna head out. Hanna and I are doing something early tomorrow," Aria lied.

There was that puppy dog look again. "So soon? A-are you sure? If you want, you could spend the night and tomorrow I could drive you to Hanna's or-" "No, I think I'm just going to go home. Thanks for dinner, though," Aria interrupted, cutting off his desperate pleas.

Aria stood up and got ready to go and head to the door with quick little steps. Ezra stopped her though when a streak of courage and determination hit him. "Is Andrew really just your tutor?"

She slowly turned around and stared at him. "Wh-what makes you ask that? I told you he was."

"You just… When Emily brought him up, you started acting really off. Is there something going on between you two? You can tell me, Aria," Ezra ensured.

Aria bit the inside of her cheek. She couldn't lie straight to his face again. "I-it's complicated," Aria murmured lamely, making Ezra's face contort in sadness.

"Do you… are you…" Ezra couldn't even find words.

"Ezra, can we talk about this later?" Aria begged, still wanting to go see Andrew for a little while.

"Why? Why can't we discuss this now?" Ezra challenged, getting off the couch and walking over to her tentatively. He watched as Aria bit her lip and glance at her phone nervously before continuing, "Are you trying to go see him?"

She sighed and was silent for a couple moments before deciding to stick with the absolute honesty policy. "He invited me to dinner earlier and I didn't want to turn him down."

The answer made Ezra's head spin. That's why she didn't want to dine with him, and that's why, when she did, she completely rushed through dinner. It hurt him though. I didn't want to turn him down. Meanwhile, Aria had turned down Ezra's invitations to dinner constantly for the last week.

"Are you… do you want to be with him?" Ezra asked seriously. "Have you already?" Again, she was silent. "Has anything happened between you and him?"

"I…" Aria stammered for a start, trying to find words. "We kissed once."

Don't know if our fate's already sealed.
This day's spinning circus on a wheel.
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
coffee lace, intoxicating on his lips.

Ezra flinched at the answer and he asked after a couple of seconds of trying to contain his anger. "Why? What... Why?" Aria didn't respond. She didn't have a reason, or an excuse. "Are you going to say anything?" Ezra asked calmly.

Aria gulped as her brain wracked for something to say. "I was hurt and upset and-" "That's not an excuse," Ezra cut off, making Aria wince slightly due to the harsh bite in his tone.

She gnawed on her lip and decided to just try and apologize. Maybe once she apologized, they could work on getting back whatever they lost and be happy again. Maybe she needed Ezra instead of Andrew after all. "It was a moment of weakness, it was a onetime thing and-"

Ezra had to interrupt at that joke of a statement. "A onetime thing? Aria, you've done this time after time! This is not a onetime thing at all."

That made her open mouth close fast. She didn't have an argument against that point. But she still tried. "Those times were different. When I kissed Jason or Jake, it was because they kissed me and-"

"Aria, you're trying to go out with Andrew!" Ezra said indignantly. "There is obviously mutual feelings between you two and that's what makes this different than the past."

"I didn't know if we were seeing each other, Ezra!" Aria argued, finally finding a bit of an argument. "You didn't talk to me besides a few random texts here and there and I didn't know what was going on!"

"You didn't talk to me either!" Ezra responded defensively. "And I was giving you space to make your decision, not see other people! And just because I didn't text you every second of the day doesn't mean 'oh, let's see other people.'"

"I don't know what I want, okay?!" Aria huffed, her tone getting louder, more frustrated. "And I still haven't made a decision!"

"Well, I certainly have," Ezra mumbled, thinking out loud while he went to go sit back on the couch.

Aria just furrowed her brow and walked back to the sofa after him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Shut it out;
I've got no claim on you now.
Not allowed to wear your freedom down.

Ezra gulped and tried to suppress his irritation with her. He was silent for a few moments as he tried to formulate the right words to say. Carefully, he took her hands and started to explain what he meant. "This is what I'm talking about, Aria. I think we should stop seeing each other because-" "Ezra, you're being ridiculous," Aria interrupted. "It was one kiss and I don't even know what it meant."

"Let me finish," Ezra started back up, ignoring her comment about her disloyal kiss. "I think we should stop seeing each other because you want to see other people. It happened now and it'll definitely happen while you're in college. And I would rather not be with you when you're with someone else."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did he really just ask her to break up? "Wh-what at are you saying, Ezra?" she asked softly, feeling a lump the size of a softball grow in her throat. "

He chewed his lip and looked away. "I...I can't do this anymore," Ezra whispered, his downtrodden voice breaking her heart. "What? Y-you...," Aria began, trying to ignore the tears that started to dot her eyes. "Ezra, come on, I told you, it was a onetime thing and-"

"You were gonna go out to dinner with him, Aria!" Ezra interrupted sharply. He swallowed the lump that was in his own throat down before saying wistfully and collectedly, "Aria, I'm trying here. And I have been trying for months. But you have to try too, and you aren't at all."

"That's not true…" Aria whispered, shaking her head and wiping her cheek.

Ezra just rolled his eyes. "Yes, it is."

Aria huffed at how fortified his opinion was. "I'm seeing him to go to college, Ezra! He's tutoring me!"

Scoffing, Ezra interrogated. "What, and I can't help tutor you? I can't help you with essays?"

He had a point, and the argument fell to silence again. It stayed that way for a few moments before Ezra took a deep breath and explained, ""Because it's clearly what you want, we can go ahead and end this. We were going to in a few months, anyway."

Aria's teary eyes widened at him and she wished he would at least look her in the eyes. "We were? I-I never decided on breaking up before college, Ezra."

"This decided it, Aria," Ezra told her in a dejected tone. "You going out to dinner and kissing other guys tells me you don't want this anymore, so let's just go ahead and end it. That's what you want."

"That's not what I want, Ezra!" Aria said in a huff. "Stop telling me what I want!" She ceased her yelling and tried to gather her thoughts. "Ezra, stop, we can still make things work. We always make things work," Aria stated hopefully.

Ezra sighed and rested his head in one of his hands. "Aria, I... I don't want to make things work. It's just not worth it anymore," Ezra whispered.

He knew what he just said probably shredded a piece of her heart, and he hated that. What he hated even more was that it was the truth. He didn't want to make it work and as of late, he thought it wasn't worth it anymore. Of course he loved her. Ezra loved Aria more than the stars loved the moon, the sand loved the sea… but between college coming up and this fresh Andrew ordeal, maybe they were more done than he had previously realized. He assumed that she could have possibly been correct this whole damn time. Maybe there never was a happy ending for them. He wished they could have a happy ending. He had prayed on it for many nights in the last couple years, but maybe it just wasn't in the cards for them. And maybe despite everything, despite the long talks they had about their joint future and her friends' prediction that they would end up getting married, they just weren't meant to be after all.

And who's to say that all soulmates end up together? Just because two souls are destined to be together doesn't necessarily mean they will be.

It's just not worth it anymore. The words echoed in Aria's head and sat heavily on her heart for minutes after he said it. Yes, she knew that Andrew coming between them was a problem, and yes, she knew that college had created some conflict, but she never, ever felt that way. She felt like they needed to try and fix it, not just give up.

She wasn't used to this, used to Ezra being the one ready to toss in the towel. He was always the one who was ready and willing to fix the relationship, even when she was ready to kind of cease. Sure, they had both had moments where they wanted to throw their hands up in the air, but neither of them ever caved in to that desire. Neither of them had ever said they wanted to so seriously, with such finality, like he just had.

And truthfully, after pushing every problem aside, Aria wanted to be with Ezra. He made her happy and even with their constant drama, she thought they were going to pull through and be together at the end of the day.

"Ezra, please," Aria started, her voice trembling due to tears. "We can try and go back to the start and we can-"

"I'm tired of trying," Ezra disrupted. "I don't want to always have to try. And I especially don't want to try if it keeps ending up this way."

The sincerity in his voice terrified her. Did he really want to be over and done with? After everything, did he really want to close the door on such a long relationship over one, small, moment-of-weakness kiss?

"Ezra, really, the thing with Andrew was not a big deal and we can still try to fix this!"

He sighed. "I told you, I don't want to," he reiterated, hating that he had to repeat such heart wrenching words. Ezra took a deep breath and tried to shed some slight positivity on this mess. "Look, I want to be happy, and more importantly, I want you to be happy… So, obviously, this isn't a good fit anymore; we're just making each other unhappy."

Aria scoffed a little. "Ezra, I've told you, you don't make me unhappy." He responded with silence and bowed his head at her, staring at the sofa as if it was fascinating. A thought clicked in Aria's head and she gasped a bit. "Do I... Are you saying I make you unhappy?"

He bit his lip and her mouth dropped open. She never fathomed making Ezra unhappy and as the realization hit her that she did, it hurt her like a thousand knives stabbing her body.

I'll tear myself away.
That is what you need.
There is nothing left to say.

Ezra gulped and quickly changed the subject to not upset her too badly. Instead, he wanted to ask a question, since currently, he was bewildered that she had wanted to leave him for someone she had zero history with. "You said I was the one, Aria. You've said that a ton of times, so why do you keep looking?"

Aria rolled her damp eyes. "It's not like I'm on a dating site, Ezra," Aria retorted. "It's not like I'm actively looking for other people."

"No, but you aren't... you aren't stopping people. You didn't stop him and say I'm seeing one, and that hurts a lot," Ezra replied quickly, his voice shaking like a leaf.

"I did tell him, Ezra," Aria stated. "I did, and he didn't care. I did tell him I was still kind of seeing you."

Ezra gibed. "Kind of seeing someone? That doesn't sound like you're in a committed relationship," Ezra challenged. Aria opened her mouth to respond – she wasn't even positive they were committed – but Ezra continued, "And you clearly didn't stop him if you were planning to see him again, Aria… Admit it, you like him."

She bit her lip and her gaze fell to the floor, causing Ezra to huff and shake his head. "You like another guy, but you're insisting on staying with me. What is your point, Aria?!"

"Because I love you, okay?!" Aria yelled, frustration dripping off her every word. "Ezra, I still love you. It's hard to just stop loving someone, especially someone you love so much. And, to me, there's still a lot of love here, so no, I don't want to break up."

"Are you sure? Because you're acting like it," Ezra quipped.

Her eyes widened. "How am I acting like it?! Saying I love you and that I don't want to lose you is acting like I want to break up?!"

"No," Ezra began, "practically dating other guys and not trying except for right now is how."

She gritted her teeth and repeated, "I felt lost, I was confused. He was there to comfort me and I liked that feeling. Every time I go to you for comfort, you shrug me off because of work."

Ezra wanted to say something snippy like "sorry I have to make a living" but he held his tongue. He didn't want to hurt her. Even though he wanted to end things, and even though she cheated on him over and over, he didn't ever want to hurt her. It hurt him to hurt her.

Instead, he settled on, "I can't even imagine doing this to you." Aria sniffled at the comment; it was completely true. During the whole course of their relationship, Ezra never had a wandering eye. Not even when Jackie or Maggie or Alison were in the picture. He had always only ever had eyes for him and instantaneously denied anyone who tried to turn his head.

Since Aria had absolutely no words to respond to that heavy, veritable statement, Ezra added broken heartedly, "Aria, I love you. And I know I've made so many mistakes since day one, but I have never, ever cheated on you…" He had to stop and force down the tears that were threatening to spill. "I respect you so much more than that and the fact that you don't..." He faded off again as a tear dripped down his cheek. Ezra gulped then finally, for the first time in minutes, looked up at Aria and said simply, "I can't do this anymore."

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?

Aria's heart shattered at the fact that that was it, that he wanted to be over and done with. Tears began to drip down her cheeks, her mascara started running, and her breathing became unsteady.

"I-I mean, what did I do wrong?" Ezra asked as he wiped his cheek roughly. He knew he fucked up royally with the book, but other than that, he gave her everything. He gave her everything she asked for and more. He stood by her side since the very beginning. He got shot for her; he risked his career, his family, his life for her. He would have killed for her, and not have asked any questions. He would do anything for her and he truly meant it.

Ezra didn't know what went wrong. He didn't even know what 'what' was. He didn't understand why she started to walk out on them before he even said anything. He didn't understand what drove her to falling into the arms of another guy. Yeah, he had been focused on work, but he was there every night and early morning. When she said he was always busy with work was a lie. He was only busy when it worked for her excuses.

"Ezra, you didn't do anything," Aria whispered in assurance.

"Clearly I did if you want to see someone else... Did I say something or do something? I-I thought we finally got in a good place and then this... What happened?"

She shrugged in response and they both stayed quiet for a while. Finally, though, Aria whispered, "You can't be serious, though. I know I messed up, I know that. But don't I deserve another chance? Ezra, I love you… I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to be over."

"We've been over for a long time, Aria," Ezra whispered, causing a heavy air to settle around them. It was an extreme statement, but Aria would be lying if she said she didn't find it a tiny bit true. Like she had thought in the car, she knew something hadn't been the same for a while. But that didn't mean she wanted to break up once and for all like Ezra had been suggesting all night.

She sniffled as more tears fell before whispering, blubbering, "B-But, I love you… Ezra, don't doubt that. I love you so much. I know you feel like I don't right now, but that's not true. I love you more than anybody, you know that."

"I love you too, Aria, I do..." Ezra assured. He gulped before saying possibly the most ponderous comment of the whole argument. "And you'll make someone very happy one day, b-but I'm starting to think that person isn't me."

Aria shriveled and Ezra reached out to hold her hands. "I love you, but like you said... There's no happy ending for us," Ezra whispered as another tear dripped slowly down his cheek.

She nods a little before looking up at him with a tear stain face. "I love you, though… Please, don't doubt that."

"I know, babe, I know," Ezra comforted as he pulled her in for a desperately needed hug. "And I love you too. So much. But… I think it's better if we're over. And if we're really meant to be, maybe I'll find you one day."

"But until that day?" Aria asked morosely.

Ezra sighed, "Until that day, we aren't together."

Aria broke down again; that's the answer she had expected, but not the one she wanted. And the thing that broke her even more was that the thing that ultimately drove them apart was on her. She was used to Ezra being the problem that caused break ups. She now was experiencing the pain that usually stung him.

"I'll miss you," she whispered.

He kissed her head and nodded, "I'll miss you too…but this is for the best, I think."

Aria nodded again before asking through tears, "If it's for the best, why does it hurt so badly?"

Ezra just sighed and whispered, "I don't know, Aria… I don't know…"

Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

(A/N:) I know I left the ending vague, but I felt like it was sort of fitting? Also, so sorry for any mistakes! I didn't proofread this….

But nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this one shot! I haven't made one in a long while!

And also a question for Ezria fans: are any of you going to stop watching PLL? I've decided that after season 5 (I might as well finish this horse shit of a season) I won't watch it. I can't support this crap anymore. I don't need more negativity in my life :/

DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! :)

Oh and ps the song is by an awesome artist named 'A Fine Frenzy' and I HIGHLY suggest you check her out!