Hello….! No, I am not dead. I have moved (again) and started a new job (again), but I think I am stationary for a while. I love my new job and my new home so I am hoping to stay here.
I have today off and inspiration hit, so I decided to get back to writing. This Grey's story has been brewing inside me as I have watched GA Season 12. I am so conflicted about Jackson and April. This is a product of that confliction!
I hope you enjoy. Let me know what y'all think I should continue!
Penetralia: a secret or hidden place
Penetralia
April slumped down onto the couch, wine glass in hand and began reaching for the remote control when a knock sounded on the door. April checked the clock in the kitchen and frowned in confusion. It was late, so she had no idea who it could be.
Maybe it was Arizona.
April sighed as she hopped off the couch and walked to the door. She peeked through the peephole and gasped at the sight of Jackson waiting on the other side.
She opened the door and looked at him curiously, wondering if anything was the matter and her eyes fell on the bag on his shoulder. April's heart skipped a beat, allowing herself to hope that he was coming home. He was giving them another chance. This was all she wanted.
"Ja-Jackson," she stuttered out, nervously, licking her dry lips.
Jackson looked at her and said, "Can I come in?"
April held open the door and stepped aside, allowing Jackson past the doorway.
Jackson walked to one of the stools under the counter and set the bag he was carrying on the stool gently.
April closed the door, stuck her hands in her back pockets, not really sure what to expect. Was a fight coming her way? She didn't want one, but she would fight if it meant they could start talking about this mess they were in.
"Did you forget your key?" she asked, trying to break the silence.
Jackson shook his head, eyeing her with a strange look on his face.
April stepped forward tentatively and began to ask if he was hungry, but Jackson suddenly sprang to life and crossed the room so he was in front of her. She jumped in shock, but Jackson wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
April shook at his proximity, but gripped his upper arms, wondering what he was thinking.
"I need you," he murmured, his lips brushing against hers with every word.
Still dazed, April nodded and said, "I need you, too." April suspected that Jackson's definition of needing her differed from hers. April needed Jackson in her life, but from judging from the look in Jackson's eyes and the urgent, firm grip on her body, it felt like right now Jackson needed her in a purely physical way.
Even though April preferred talking to Jackson, she was so happy just to have him there with her and to be connecting to him in any way. Jackson's lips brushed against hers tentatively, asking for permission.
April slid her hands up to his shoulder, then to his neck, pulling him closer and capturing his lips with her own softly, slowly opening her mouth to her husband. Her heart thudded in excitement, feeling the familiar electric current that passed between her and Jackson every time they touched. After all these years and all they had been through, it was still there.
Jackson wrapped his arms tighter around her and began to pull her back towards their bedroom. Somewhere, in a small corner of herself, April thought this was a bad idea. But she had missed her husband. Emotionally and physically. It had been a looong time since they had been intimate.
April broke the kiss and Jackson looked down at her and in a gruff, aroused voice asked, "Do you want to?"
April nodded and Jackson led her back to their room.
Jackson released her hand once they were in front of the bed and then pulled his sweatshirt over his head, revealing his chest. He was breathing heavily, staring at April intensely. Waiting.
April took a step forward reaching for the hem of her shirt and pulling it up over her head. Jackson took this as permission, and reached for her, wrapping his arms around her and angling his face to hers, kissing her gently at first but then harder. April responded, her heart thudding in her chest, harder and harder with each caress of his tongue against hers.
April stood there just kissing him, feeling Jackson snap her bra off and ease it down her arms. April, remembering she had arms, reached for his pants and quickly unbuttoned the pants and slid the zipper down. The sound caused a tingle to race up her spine.
They hadn't made love since she had been deployed the second time.
April looked at her husband as she eased his pants past his hips. His body...still as beautiful as she remembered. He ran his hands through her curled hair so softly, she felt tears sting her eyes.
Jackson stepped out of his jeans and his boxers and pulled her down on top of him as he laid out on the bed as he kissed her again.
April kissed him back, reveling in the feel of his naked body beneath her own. She ran her hand down Jackson's chest, to his abdomen and settled on his hip.
Jackson panted and then sat up unbuttoning her jeans and sliding the rest of her clothes off. He then pulled her up so that April rested back against the down pillows. April shivered in anticipation and Jackson, mistaking it for her being cold, pulled the sheets up over him and her.
April let her legs fall to either side of Jackson as he kissed her again, resting part of his weight on her and the rest of it on his elbows and knees. He took his time kissing and running his hands up her sides and along her breasts before lining himself up with her and easing in once April bit her bottom lip in anticipation.
She panted and her eyes closed as she let the feeling of him inside her wash over her. Jackson slowly moved, and soon a sheen of sweat was on both of them as they sped up. April panted as Jackson grunted in exertion, desperate to finish them both.
April raised her legs up to cradle his hips, running the balls of her feet along the back of his thighs. This spurned Jackson and he moved deeper into her, harder.
April kept up, feeling the dull thud begin in her groin build and build. Her skin tingled, her muscles both tense and incredibly relaxed. She looked up at Jackson to see him staring down at her and she held his gaze as he lowered his lips lightly to hers. April kissed him back softly.
He pulled away and asked, "Are you close?" April nodded and he seemed to accept that as a challenge and slowed his hips, thrusting long and deep into her. He hit a spot inside of her that made lights exploded behind her eyes and coupled with his fingers caressing her clit, she tensed up, squeezing Jackson to her as she fell over the edge.
Jackson smiled briefly as she came down, continuing to thrust into her as he sought his own release. April reached up and cradled his face in her hands and pulled him down to her so she could kiss him.
As their lips met, he groaned as he came loudly, shaking with the force of his release. April felt him tense and release his muscles as he finished coming as he burrowed his face in the crook of her neck as he came down. April rubbed his back until he relaxed and pushed himself off of her.
April's body buzzed in happiness and satisfaction as Jackson rolled off of her. Her heart hammered in her chest from feeling so happy and so complete.
She glanced at Jackson and the feeling was immediately gone. Jackson was staring up at the ceiling, except he wasn't happy like her. He looked uncertain and regretful. Like they had made a mistake. April's heart plummeted and she looked up at the ceiling, wondering how he could feel like that.
April stared at the ceiling, looking for the answer, but it didn't come to her. She felt tears well up in her eyes as she realized that the answer might be that Jackson really didn't want to salvage their relationship.
April inhaled deeply and held her breath as she closed her eyes and tried to compose her thoughts. The only thing left to say was that their marriage was over and the thought was heartbreaking.
With her eyes still closed and with a shaking voice, she asked, "It's over, isn't it?"
She held her breath, waiting for Jackson's answer, but it never came. She peeked at him from the corner of her eye and he was still staring at the ceiling with the same uncertain expression.
April released a breath and rolled on her side away from him, letting the tears slide down her cheeks and onto the pillow.
She didn't know how long she cried for, but after a while she heard Jackson's breathing even out signaling he had fallen asleep.
Her and Jackson's relationship was never perfect, but the biggest problem April had with Jackson was that she didn't know where he stood in their relationship, even if she asked him. He always left her wondering.
April laid next to her sleeping husband and haunted by his uncertainty. She thought back throughout their relationship and recalled when the bus exploded. Different situation, but very similar to the one they were in now. April was all in, but Jackson was uncertain. And because of that uncertainty, April didn't know where that left her. Ever. She never knew where she was. She was tired of being lost.
April slipped out of bed quietly once she was sure Jackson was asleep. She slipped on Jackson's t-shirt and walked out to the kitchen to get a glass of water. As she reached for the water glass, she eyed the wine glasses.
Fuck it, she thought, grabbing the wine glass and filling it with a small bit of wine.
She walked around the counter and pulled out a stool, eyeing the bag Jackson had left on the stool. She sighed and took a sip of wine, closing her eyes, just allowing her body to feel the events of the night.
When she opened her eyes she saw what looked like a manila envelope peeking out of the duffel bag. She looked over her shoulder towards the bedroom where Jackson slept soundly. At least one of them was able to sleep.
She reached in the duffel bag and extracted the envelope, wondering if it was work related. She opened the flap as she took another sip and then pulled out what looked to be legal paperwork.
April looked over the document, but her wine glass froze halfway to her lips when she saw it:
Petition for Divorce….
I, Dr. Jackson Avery petition for the dissolution of the marriage between myself and Dr. April Kepner….
April almost dropped her wine glass as it shook with the weight of the paper in her hands. Judging by Jackson's reaction to the sex tonight, she knew it was over, but to already have drawn up divorce papers...that hurt.
She dropped the divorce petition on the counter. April bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears, blurring the remainder of what the paperwork said so she couldn't read any further.
She set the wine glass down and rested her forehead against the palm of her hand. Why had he asked her on dates? Why would he come here and sleep with her if he had divorce on his mind? Maybe he realized it would be a mistake…
She glanced at the paperwork again and then noted it...his signature with that day's date.
So he made up his mind and then came and slept with her. April hated him for it. She was disgusted. But more piercing was the hurt she felt.
April was heartbroken, but oddly there was also relief. Relief? April postulated on that for a minute and then it hit her. At least now she knew where Jackson stood. This was what he wanted.
April grabbed her wine glass and let herself cry for a few minutes.
She pushed herself off the stool, leaving the papers on the counter as she headed to the bedroom where Jackson still slept.
April sighed deeply as she watched him and then walked to the closet, grabbing her massive army duffel. She quietly loaded all her clothes into the bag. She didn't have a lot. She did the same with the dresser and the bathroom, making sure she left nothing behind.
April grabbed her army boots and then walked out to the living room and set the bag by the front door as she pulled her boots on and tied them. Her engagement ring caught her eye and she stopped tying her laces, distracted by the beautiful ring.
She finished tying her boots and then looked down at the ring one more time before sliding it off her finger.
April slowly walked towards the counter. She grabbed a pen and after inhaling sharply and holding her breath, she signed the legal document beneath Jackson's signature. She then gently set down her ring next to the pen.
She reached for her purse and her keys, stopping as she looked over her shoulder at the apartment once more. She bit her lip as she looked down at her keys. She removed the key to the apartment and the fob needed to get into the building and the elevator and hooked them onto the hook she had made Jackson get. She didn't need them anymore.
She then turned, grabbed her bag and walked out of the apartment, determined not to cry.
So, what are your thoughts? Continue?