A/N: Personal life resulted in this being written as some brief comfort. I decided to post it in case there is anyone else out there who might need it.
Disclaimer; usual
She never really wanted this.
Not this way.
Kensi knew he wanted kids, to be a better man than his father ever was, but she was still so unsure. It wasn't until she was staring down at those two red lines did her fears become reality.
He was overjoyed, she was freaking out. However, soon his excitement became so infectious she started to believe she could do it, be a parent, a mother, a mommy.
Her stomach got bigger, her jeans and bra no longer fit and everyday brought something new. The sickness was ever present never confined to just morning and her back ached and her heart burned. Deeks was still there though, through everything, still so positive, so sure in her.
Soon, Kensi allowed herself to be happy.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
For a week she felt unwell, brushed it off as another bout of morning sickness heading her way. It wasn't until she looked down and saw the mixture of clear and red pooling on the floor beneath her, did the panic set in.
They rushed to the hospital, she saw the fear in his eyes but he tried to remain positive, whispering words of comfort in her ear, but she knew it was too late, that their baby was gone.
The contractions started and the pain ripped through her. For hours she pushed and finally out came the boy they had wanted so much.
Just over six months of being inside her, there he was, so tiny and frail in her arms. She held him tight, kissed his head, counted his fingers and toes and told him over and over she loved him and that she was sorry.
The man she loved so dearly lay beside her and the three of them stayed wrapped up together while the priest came and the boy was blessed.
It felt like the longest time but also like no time at all, but not even a half hour after he was placed in her arms, their boy squeezed her finger and then let go and both their hearts stopped.
Kensi clung to her son and cried as they took him away from her. Her husband's arms held her back and she held onto him as a lifeline, as though without him she would drown and never resurfaced.
It wasn't until Deeks had left to care for Monty, did the thoughts come.
He supposed to be safe inside her, protected and cared for. Her heart hurt and she felt nothing but empty. Kensi could hear the sounds of doting new mothers and the cries of their tiny new infants and felt the anger boil inside her.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't right.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
Days later they picked out a tiny coffin gave their boy a kiss and laid him to rest.
They lay together later that night, held on so tightly and prayed that they could survive, but for her boy, Kensi knew she would try.