a/n I DONT OWN TWILIGHT!!……….sadly. I do not own anything in my shiny new fanfic. Please read and review.
I rolled out of bed, my head pounding already at the thought of what I would face today. I it my alarm clock to make it stop its annoyingly loud beeping. I didn't have much time but I dragged myself into the shower anyway. I honestly didn't care if I was late today. This was going to be hell. I was going back to school for the first time since HE left me. Charlie was getting pretty worried. It scared him how zombie like I had become since HE left. I could keep doing this to Charlie anymore, so I have to go back to school. It will be hard, but I have to do this for him.
I stepped into the shower and under the boiling hot water. I instantly began to relax. When they first left, I just couldn't handle it. It was agony, knowing I would never see them again. I was in constant pain, I never left my room. But over the past weeks that had changed, I felt numb. I couldn't feel anything, not even for Charlie and it scared me.
I washed my hair, got out the shower and got dressed. I wore jeans and a dark blue v-neck shirt. After brushing my teeth and hair, I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. When Charlie saw me at the door his face was priceless, His jaw dropped and his eyes popped out heir sockets.
"Bells…you're..umm…."He trailed off, I hadn't left my room since he left.
"I'm going back to school" I finished for him.
"Are you sure?…." He asked.
He looked like he was going to continue, but I cut him off." I'm sure, I have to go back, I've had enough time off" I said, pulling my bag onto my back, to show him there was no way he was going to stop me.
" Do you, want some breakfast? I mean, you should eat something" He asked me, I shook my head.
"No, thanks, I'll umm.. get something at school" I lied, looking at my feet. The truth is haven't eaten much lately, My appetite seemed to disappear just like they did.
I left the house before Charlie could say anything else, making sure to give him the best fake smile I had.
I slid into my truck and started it up to make my way to school. I was a bit late but I really wasn't bothered. The rain poured slowly down the windows and the sky was full of dull grey clouds, that blocked out any hope of seeing the sun today. So many things many things reminded me of them.
Within 10 minutes I was parking my truck outside Forks high. I sat there for a while, regretting my decision to come in today. I was terrified. For Charlie, I thought, sliding out my truck. I took a deep breath and began walking across the parking lot, but stopped halfway there. I smiled, remembering he time when he saved me from….no. I had to stop thinking about him.
"There not coming back" I muttered to myself, my smile fading. Just saying that out loud caused my heart to break, bringing tears to sting at my eyes. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, being pulled from my thoughts by the bell. I was late, and I could tell already that today was going to suck. . Especially since I had Biology first. I was dreading this.
As I got closer to the classroom door, I could hear that the lesson had already started. I swore under my breathe, something very unlike me, and opened the door.
"Well Well Well , Mrs Swan, I'm so happy you decided to show up to my lesson" He said, causing Lauren the whisper to her friends and laugh. I never liked her.
I stood still in the doorway, staring at my empty desk. I didn't even hear what he said, memories were flooding back to me. I bit my lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to overflow.
I heard the teacher say something about a detention and then he just carried on with his lesson. I made my way to my seat, luckily only tripping once, catching myself before I hit the floor. I still heard the laughing coming from Lauren and the other popular girl as I sat down.
I began doodling in my book, blocking out the lesson. I looked at the empty seat next to me. I was lost without him. 5 minutes Later the whole class seemed to be working on something, and the teacher was sitting at his desk marking books. I had obviously missed what we were supposed to do, so I carried on drawing stars in my books. I drew hearts as well, Making sure to put a line through them, to show they were broken. I ignored the class around me, I was in my own little world. But the numbness was starting to fade, and the pain began creeping its ay back in. I looked back at the empty chair next to me, and the emotions I tried to get rid of came flooding back.
I began clicking my pen frantically, thinking for some reason that it would distract me from the pain, so I wouldn't have to…… Then I saw him, like he was sitting right next to me.
"Don't" He whispered, so quietly I could barely hear him. He just stared at me. His beautiful golden eyes locking with mine. I knew he wasn't really there, I was imagining him, but for a split second I was happy. Then he faded away. This caused the pain to return, but 10 times worse. Tears streamed down my face. He left me again. I stood up and ran from the room. Coming back was obviously not the best idea
I ran into one of the girls toilets and locked the door behind me. I had seen him. It was bad enough that I had nightmares every night about him, now I was actually seeing him. The pain was back full force, just like when he first left. I had to make it stop.
Reaching into my bag, I pulled out my razor. I cant believe I'm doing this. I promised myself last time that I would never do this again, but it was the only way to take away the pain. Pulling up my sleeve, I placed the cool, sharp razor against my arm. Closing my eyes, I sliced straight down from my wrist to my elbow. Not deep enough to kill, just enough to make the pain go away. And draw blood. Lots of blood. I watched as it dripped down into the sink. I was mesmerized by it. Relief flowed through my body at the sight of it and the pain disappeared completely. I cleaned up my arm and my razor, and began staring at my self in the mirror. I was a lot paler, and it seemed as though the sparkle my eyes once held had gone.
I collapsed to the floor, not from blood loss but the thought of what I was doing and who I had become. Guilt was the only thing I felt. But I had to escape from the pain of living without him. Scars covered my arms, some older than others, from all the times the pain of living without him became to much. I couldn't help but ask myself……….Would he still love me if he saw me now?
a/n So, what do you think? Please tell me. I live for reviews. Even if I only get one review I WILL update. So please review.