Lord Dread Raven: Hello, and welcome to my parody of epicness!

Link: You're kidding.

Raven: Eh?

Link: You have four other stories going, one of which is on hiatus, and NONE of them are even REMOTELY similar to Legend of Zelda! Just what is wrong with you?

Raven: SILENCE! I'M THE AUTHOR! I MAKE THE RULES! Anyway, I own nothing.

Chapter one

Running Inside a Stupid Tree.

"Navi…Navi…Wherefore art thou Navi?"

The little blue ball with wings rose into the air.

"Why are you speaking Shakespearian?" She asked. "I thought you hated Shakespeare."

"*cough* Sorry. The author was trying to be accurate. Anyway, I need you to find the cross dresser without a fairy, and who I thought was one, until I learned he was flirting with several of the girls. I need yo to find him and have him kill a thing that crawled up inside me."

Navi shrugged and flew off, until she came upon Link's house.

"Hey. Wake up." She snapped at him.

"Zzzzzz…"

"Get up you bum!" She snapped, bouncing on his head a few times.

"Zzzzzz…"

"SCREW THIS!" She left for a moment and came back with the Kokiri sword. With a violent motion, she jabbed him in the arm.

"OW!" He yelped, leaping upright. He glared at the little fairy.

"You dare wake me up!" He snarled, grabbing the sword from Navi. He charged after her, babbling incoherently.

"Don't make me use my evil fairy powers!" Navi snarled as she dodged Link's sword swings.

"HA! YOU HAVE NO POWERS!"

Navi took a deep breath.

"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! WATCH OUT!"

"AAAAK!" Link screamed. "Please! No more! I beg you! I'll do anything!"

Navi glared at him. "Get your ass over to the Great Deku Tree. Pronto."

"Yes ma'am!" He said in an emotionless voice as he climbed the ladder to leave his house.

Saria was at the bottom waiting for him.

"Hi Link!" She called, looking utterly insane. "I'd go into a speech here, but the author is too lazy to write it! Anyway, you need to get a shield, 'cause Mido's being an asshole and not letting people past."

Hey! A voice hissed from nowhere. The fourth wall is hard to fix you know!

Link sighed then went to the store. Rather than pay for the shield, he merely stabbed the shopkeeper and took the shield.

"Link!" Navi sighed. "Stop killing people that you aren't supposed to."

"What's the matter?" Link asked. "He's not important, and besides, I didn't have to pay him!"

"You- oh forget it."

He walked past Mido- actually over him- and proceeded to the Great Deku Tree.

Suddenly a trio of withered Deku Baba sprouted up and began wiggling in little circles.

Link stood an inch outside of their reach.

"Hahaha." He cackled as they wiggled at him furiously. Finally, he got bored and cut them down, their stems becoming Deku sticks.

"DADADADAAA!" A random man in a pair of underpants screamed. "You got a Deku Stick! You can go to the pause menu and equip it with C! It works like a sword except its crappy and breaks really fast but you can also set stuff n fire!" And with that, he vanished.

"…"

"…"

"What the hell was that?" Link asked.

"And what the hell is C?" Navi countered.

They decided to ignore that and walk into the Great Deku Tree's field.

"Great Deku Tree! I brought the crossdresser!"

"Oh…Thank you. (Not) Anyway, Link I have a job for you to do. There is a thing inside my spleen and its eating me."

"A GIANT TAPEWORM?"

If he wasn't a tree, then the GDT would have shrugged.

"I dunno. Maybe. Anyway, you have to kill it." He slowly opened his mouth.

"Why should I?" Link grumbled.

"I'll let you keep whatever isn't a monster or part of me."

"Okay. I guess I could go in then…" He grumbled as he walked into the GDT's mouth.

Link climbed up to the first treasure chest he found.

"YAY! What is it?" He asked.

"DADADADAAA!" The underpants man screamed. "You got the dungeon map! It shows where you are in the dungeon!" He vanished in a puff of smoke.

Link kept going. When he reached the room with a Deku Scrub in it, he beat it over the head with his shield until it was a bloody pulp.

Finally Link made it into the back room.

"DADADADAAA! You got the slingshot! It-gurrrk!" Navi got sick of the man and strangled him violently.

Now, to save time, the asshole writer skips to the room before the boss room.

"Get outta our way…" Link glared at the Deku scrubs.

The scrubs fell about laughing, before launching into a barrage of attacks. Link merely reflected their attacks back at one another, but they seemed to keep getting up. Finally, they died from laughing so hard they asphyxiated.

"Finally." Link muttered, going into the last room.

"Are we in the spleen, or the kidneys?" Link asked.

"I think it's the stomach…"

They bickered back and forth, not noticing the huge spider glaring at them from the ceiling. Finally, it got sick of hearing them argue and dropped to the ground.

"SHUT UP!" It screeched.

"AAAH!" Link yelped. "It's a giant spider!"

"Spider?" The spider snarled. "I am queen Gohma!"

"Oh…So those little guys I killed were your babies?"

"You killed them?"

"Uh…Yes."

"OH THANK YOU!" Gohma screamed, bowing down to Link and Navi. "Those little brats had been living with me for far too long. I'd have killed them myself if it wasn't for the fact that I couldn't get into half of the rooms that they were in!" She bowed again. "Thank you little crossdresser!"

"WHY DO YOU ALL SAY THAT?" Link screeched.

Then a blue circle thingy appeared and they all left.

"Oh…Link… Why is the tapeworm thing with you?" The GDT asked.

"I prefer spider." Gohma grumbled.

"Oh, whatever. Now listen Link, even though you got the spider out of me, I'm still gonna die."

"GODDAMMIT!" Link swore. "I DID ALL THAT FOR A SLINGSHOT!"

"Oh shut up and take this emerald to Princess Zelda." Grumbled the Deku tree. "And let me die in peace."

"O-kay…" Link muttered, eyebrow raised slightly.

He turned to leave, but Mido tried to block his path.

Thanks to Gohma, I say tried.

They went to the bridge thing and crossed over.

"NINJA!" Saria screamed as she appeared from nowhere.

"AAAK!" Gohma fell over backwards and writhed about, trying to stand.

"So…you're leaving?" Saria asked.

"Yep." Said Link in a flat emotionless voice.

"Well then, take this." Saria handed him an ocarina. "Because even though it seems completely useless and you'll get another after you beat the third dungeon, it is still a necessary item to save the world."

"Huh?" Said Link, Navi and Gohma in unison.

"You heard me." Saria said shiftily.

Link got scared for some reason at that point and decided to run.

Do not play with his mind! The mystery voice snarled. It's hard to make funny jokes seem original!

"Oh, go take a ride on a Wolfos!" Saria countered. "You're not the uptight type anyway."

It's easier making Invader Zim and JTHM sound funny…

"That's because they're already funny!"

Enough nonsense! Let me get on with the goddamned story!

IN HYRULE FIELD

"Hoot, hoot… up here Link!"

"AAAAAH! GIANT OWL!" Link screamed.

"…I was gonna help you, but I think I'll just-ow!

Link shot him with his slingshot.

"You little-ow! THAT'S IT!" The owl suddenly swooped down on Link.

"DIE OWL!" Screamed Navi as she viciously rammed into owl, sending off into the distance.

"Can we go now?" Griped Gohma in irritation.

Raven: Wasn't that fun?

Link: That…That was horrible. That was perfectly horrible.

Gohma: Oh shut up.

Link: Make me!

Gohma: RRRGH!

Link: Aieeeek!

Navi: Review everyone!