THE BACON OF RIO & MELE
WARNING: contains sex, naughty language, poop jokes, mild drug use, violence, necrophilia, implied prostitution, general character bashing, and one giant perverted cat
Obviously I don't own these Gekiranger characters or any of the things from other fandoms that are mentioned.
Chapter 1
The sun rose, just as Rio's penis had risen when his wife Mele entered the bedroom the previous night, wearing her new floral print lingerie which she had stolen from Goodwill. It was the ugliest lingerie that Rio had ever seen, so he tore it off her and then proceeded to insert his penis into her vagina. Mele's recent attempts to spice up their sex life were failing miserably. In the beginning they had been so adventurous in the bedroom, but lately Rio only wanted to take her as a dog takes a bitch. On their wedding night Mele had so many orgasms, but now Rio only seemed interested in satisfying his own desires. Yet Mele did not mind being used, so long as she could be by her beloved Rio's side.
Rio woke up in an empty bed. He felt confused and strangely sad. Usually he was the first to rise and leave Mele to wake up alone. He got up, threw off his fur, brushed his teeth with vanilla mint toothpaste, put his fur back on, and went into the kitchen. Mele was there, apparently making breakfast. Rio sat down at the table without a word, and Mele set a plate of some strange meat before him. Rio sipped his black coffee, waiting for Mele to explain this nonsense.
"I made this especially for you, Rio-sama~" Mele sang, beaming at her dear husband. "After all those nights of tasting and devouring your meat, I thought I'd share my own with you."
Rio looked alarmed at the implication. His eyes widened comically as he looked down at Mele's crotch area and then to the thin, greasy strips on his plate.
"Mele, is this your...?"
Mele, completely oblivious to what Rio was thinking, went back over to the counter to grab her own dish before settling down across from him. She also had the same thin strips of meat on her plate and Rio thought he was going to be sick.
"The humans call it bacon," the woman explained as she reached for her chopsticks. Rio thought he was going to choke on his coffee. "It's made from pork, so it's nothing strange," she said at last. "I wanted to surprise you with something different."
She smiled at him then and Rio grunted, keeping his cool despite the small skip in his heart and twitch in his cock. He looked down at his own set of bacon and contemplated eating the new food. He watched Mele eat hers, licking the strip and biting into it in an extremely erotic fashion. This made him excited, in spite of his reservations about the odd pork product. He decided he would eat the bacon and then ravish Mele on the dining table afterwards.
"Itadakimasu," he said before digging in.
When Rio took a bite of his bacon, a smile formed on his face. The only thing more beautiful than his smile was the taste of the bacon. If Mele's labia were made of bacon, he would have been much more eager to perform cunnilingus. He took a bigger bite of the bacon and suddenly began to weep. It tasted better than anything, even better than victory.
"Is Rio-sama pleased with Mele?" Mele asked, bobbing up and down.
"Shut-up, Mele," Rio said, continuing to cry tears of joy while eating the rest of his bacon. He wanted to wrap Mele up in a giant bacon strip and stuff her vagina with crab meat, as if she were a piece of stuffed shrimp. If he had voiced his desire, Mele would have been thrilled and gone out to get a Mele-sized strip of bacon immediately. Unfortunately, Rio realized that he was running late for work.
"Mele, come by during my lunch hour," Rio told his wife. He was planning to take her like he was taking inventory. Mele understood and giggled with joy. Rio threw his fur to the ground as he got up from the table. Mele came over to wipe the bacon grease from the corners of his mouth and then put his fur back on like a good wife.
He muttered a tiny 'good-bye' and left without a hug or anything. This bothered Mele a bit, but she hid it well, especially since she was excited about their sexcapade later that day. Oh, how naughty and devious!
Once outside, Rio spun around and teleported to his workplace: Starbucks. He glared at the establishment that was so obviously beneath him before entering. Why did he have to wait on people when it should have been the other way around? He would make the best latte in the world one day, and then people would be begging him to make them coffee, and their desperate need to taste his latte would give him power over them. Only then would he truly be the strongest.
Rio cackled in his head, as cackling out-loud would be uncharacteristic of him. Still, Dan, his co-worker and rival, noticed the evil glint in Rio's eye.
"If you have time to laugh maniacally in your head, then you will never succeed in the coffee business," the old man told Rio.
"There is training in laughing maniacally in one's head," said Master Shafu, the giant furry cat who was their boss. That was the first and last time the cat had anything nice to say about Rio. Usually he just complained about the fact that Rio refused to wear the Starbucks uniform. On the off chance that he got Rio to wear the uniform, the young man would always insist on wearing his fur over it. And he always came in reeking of semen and vaginal juices and Flaming Hot Cheetos. At least the customers didn't mind his strange habits, as long as Rio did not accidentally throw his fur in their faces.
"Master Shafu is right," Dan humbly conceded like the goody two-shoes he was. This infuriated Rio even more. He looked past Dan at the "Employee of the Month" plaque on the wall and the shit-eating picture of the old man underneath. For twenty-five consecutive years, Dan had consistently gotten the title while Rio had to suffer in the man's shadow.
"I will have my revenge, Dan," Rio swore with venom just as he had sworn to never age. He stalked to his post behind the counter and slipped. Momentarily dazed, he felt the wet floor, recently mopped, underneath him. A look around his surroundings indicated that the wet floor sign hadn't been put up.
"That stupid offspring of Dan...," he muttered under his breath. Dan's son Jan was the seemingly-retarded janitor that worked at Starbucks. He was supposedly raised in the wild and spoke in some strange language that no one understood. Even Rio with his magnificent intelligence could not understand his words. The only reason Jan got a job at Starbucks was through his father. It was unfair, especially since Rio had to be bothered with completing a resume (that Mele had ended up doing for him) and an interview (during which he just glared and scared the interviewer into hiring him).
Rio watched Jan scuttle away under a table with a rag, still dressed in the loincloth that the rescuers had found him in. The older man rolled his eyes and got up, proceeding to go about his daily work. Rio still did not know exactly what Dan's job was that made him so important, it seemed like he just did inappropriate things with Master Shafu in his office all day. They were awfully vocal, and it annoyed Rio to no end. When the customers heard their screams of pleasure, Rio would explain that Master Shafu was addicted to a certain Wii game called Kitten Party: the Video Game based on Kitten Party: the Movie which had been adapted from a short story by George R. R. Martin (it was one of the author's earlier works, he does not like to talk about it). Master Shafu always dominated Dan when they played together. Rio suspected that Master Shafu dominated Dan in other games as well, games that involved the big cat's barbed penis and the old man's shriveled asshole.
"Come on my face!" Dan yelled. Rio had a difficult time explaining how that was related to the video game. He made a mental note not to touch Master Shafu's wiimotes, especially since the last time he was in there he noticed they were coated with brown smudges. It was possible that Master Shafu simply enjoyed eating chocolate ice cream while playing his games, and Dan's screams were somehow in response to whatever the hell was happening in Kitten Party, but Rio doubted that their game was as innocent as they wanted everyone to believe. No matter what, Rio always respected the "do not disturb" sign that Master Shafu had permanently posted on his door.
Rio started to grind the coffee beans with unusual force as the mental image of Master Shafu and Dan "playing Kitten Party" made him horny. He felt disgusted with himself for being turned on by something so stupid. He looked for something to distract him, and that's when he discovered the scent, that familiar aroma of the most heavenly thing on this earth.
"Bacon," Rio salivated. He narrowed his eyes and glanced around the work area, for he knew the scent to be close. He found the bacon egg wraps that were only sold at this specific Starbucks. Jan had made these since his only talent was making bacon egg wraps. His father had handed down the skill to him before his mother had thrown him into the river.
His co-worker Gou, who never wore a shirt because his chest was allergic to clothing, made all the other foods. But Rio did not see anyone else around, so no one except Jan would notice if he swiped a few of the wraps. If Jan did witness the theft and decided to rat him out to Shafu, it would not matter. Not even the boy's father could understand his language.
Jan peaked up out from under a random patron's skirt where he had been cleaning while exclaiming "zowa-zowa!" Yes, it was zowa-zowa indeed as Rio grew ever closer to the golden bacon egg wraps. The fur on Rio's back itched to be thrown. Jan crawled over and hid himself as he watched Rio execute workplace theft by reaching for the wraps. The woman whose private area Jan had violated came over and angrily hit the wild-man on the head with her purse, which happened to contain three pool balls, so it really hurt. The commotion snapped Rio out of his bacon-induced trance and he noticed Jan. They made eye-contact for a split second before the pull of the bacon drew Rio's attention back to the wraps of sin.
Without another thought, he swiped one, then another, and then five more and stuffed them into the nether regions of his fur. It would be much too suspicious were he to consume them now. No, for once, he would make use of his lunch break properly, and then he would use the bacon grease as lubrication and ride Mele. Yes, his plan was flawless.
Jan had recovered from the assault and watched Rio commit the crime with his very own eyes. He felt confused as he saw Rio's fingertips dance over the wraps before they disappeared inside the man's cape. The wild-man started to shake, quite possibly because he had to pee, but most likely because he had to tell someone of what he had just witnessed. A crime had just been committed!
"I feel so uja-uja...," Jan mumbled right before he passed out from trauma to the head. For the remainder of the morning shift, Rio continued to step over Jan's prostrate body as he served the customers up some of the world's best coffee. Someday his coffee would rule the world, and Rio would rule the coffee, therefore he would rule the world through his coffee.
"And then we shall truly see who comes on whose face, Dan," Rio cackled inside his head while snorting a strip of bacon from within his fur before anyone could see.