SMSTSS 36: The Wild Moon Hunt! – DS Wynne
Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, and other properties belong to their owners.
Note: This is a multi-genre, one-shot story. Surprising, huh?
Special Note: This story takes place during the story "SMST 25: My Own Worst Enemy".
Author's Note: This story is loosely based on the Warner Brothers cartoon short "Duck Hunt", starring Porky Pig and Daffy Duck (although unnamed as such at the time. Enjoy!
Somewhere in a secret lair, in the outskirts of Tokyo, the avatar of Chaos plans his next move against the avatar of Order…
"Damn it, why is this female still alive?" Requiem, aka "Lord Zero", yelled, as he banged his fist on a conference table. He was having a meeting with his henchmen on what to do with his hated foe. Collectively, Lord Zero and his minions' inner circle is known as "Go Ni Ronmyaku" (i.e. "Five of Chaos"), or simply "The Five". It should be noted that since arriving in this particular reality from someplace else, Lord Zero took on the appearance of one Ranma Saotome. In fact, some would say that Lord Zero is a dimensional doppelganger of Ranma, although this has yet to be proven.
"Sir, this version of the Moon Princess is not the same as the other Moon Princesses that you have deal with," said Mr. Ichi. Ichi was dressed as a typical bureaucrat, and was in charge of Lord Zero's administrative operations…
"I have to agree, sir," said General Ni. Ni was the military chief. "You're dealing with a version that is quite experienced in the ways of warfare and guerrilla tactics."
"But Sailor Moon is a moron!"
"Sir, what makes you think that the Moon Princess isn't using that to her advantage?" said Miss San. She was in charge of information gathering and subterfuge. At the moment, she was undercover trying to gather information through her relationship with someone close to their target…
"She is the Moon Princess," Lord Zero said. "She is supposed to be a spoiled crybaby."
"Well, then you would like this bit of news, sir," said Dr. Yon. Yon was in charge of creating weapons, biological and otherwise, for Lord Zero and his colleagues' purposes.
"Oh?" Lord Zero said with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, I was able to deliver a tailor-made virus into the Moon Princess' physiology, using a rather…simple approach."
"We were able to 'spike' her chocolate sundae, after she and her husband went out for dinner, sir," Miss San said. "I know, because they invited me to join them on a night on the town for my supposed birthday."
"You made her sick?" Lord Zero asked.
"The drug I used will make her disoriented," Dr. Yon said. "She won't be able to make rational decisions, thus allowing you to have a clear win against her."
"Hmmm. Where is she now?"
"I assume that she will be at home, although, normally, the Moon Princess is supposed to spend time in the park for her…morning constitution," Miss San said.
"Good. I can finally deal with the Moon Princess once and for all."
"Then, I have the latest in weapons for you to try, Lord Zero," Dr. Yon said, as he directs his technicians to bring over a case. He then opens it, and shows it to Lord Zero.
"I present to you the Anti-Moon Princess Weapon," Dr. Yon said, as he shows off what appeared to be a heavy, energy rifle. "It uses Lunarite, which is the Kryptonite version for all magical girls."
"I still cannot believe that it was the Moon Princess who helped to create the magical girl phenomenon," General Ni said.
"Actually, based upon my documentation of the Moon Princess' histography, the Silver Millennium created the Sailor Scouts as a way of protecting the well-spring of mana from potent worlds from otherworldly forces like demon hordes for instance," Miss San said. "Later, the survivors of the Dark Kingdom's attack would be inspired by Queen Serenity's sacrifice to carry on this tradition, by creating off-shoots of the magical girl phenomenon in varying degrees."
"Usually in the 'Demon Hunter' category," Lord Zero offered.
"Correct."
"Well," Lord Zero said, as he takes the Anti-Moon Princess weapon, as he feels the barrel. He then aims it at a wall, pretending to have the Moon Princess in his targeting sights.
"The next time I see her, she's a dead woman…right K-9?"
"Affirmative, Master!" said the latest model of the K-9 (Mark II) unit, in which Dr. Yon had rebuilt for Lord Zero, after discovering its original remains at a junk yard within a spatial rift. At the time, he had been given the task of tracking down the TARDIS, an alien time-travel machine that Lord Zero's arch-nemesis tends to frequent, when he stumbled upon the deactivated cyber-dog. Now, after much refurbishment, this revised K-9 was clearly a cybernetic dog, rather than a hovering cart with a metal dog's head…
"Good boy."
Meanwhile, at the Saotome residence…
"Ohhhhh," Usagi said, as she lay in bed, ill.
"It'll be alright, dear," said Nodoka Saotome, as she attended to her daughter-in-law's needs.
"Of course it will, madam," said a distinguished English doctor. "Your son Lord Rantsu had made sure to call for help in this matter."
Nodoka nods her head. Ranma had made sure to call in Dr. Bombay (a witch doctor), Lady Tsunade (of Konohagakure) and Washu (which is why Nodoka came up from Okayama) to determine what was wrong with Usagi. Together, they had managed to isolate and treat the symptoms, but now have to wait until the cure could clear up what was clearly a bio-weapon, disguised as a germ.
"Ohhhhhh," Usagi said. "How can I feel so sick?"
"That virus we found was depleting your chakra, Usagi," Tsunade said. "It was acting as a virtual black hole. In time, you would have been a dried up husk."
"In other words, your energy would have been depleted in such a way, that your regenerative abilities wouldn't be able to heal your body," Washu said.
"And that's because your regeneration would not have had the energy to…heal you," Ranma said.
"So, am I okay?" Usagi said.
"You'll be fine, my dear," Dr. Bombay said. "Of course, there might be side-effects."
"What kind of side-effects?" Ranma asked.
"While Lady Rantsu's body is rebooting itself, her usual control mechanism may not be, well, up to snuff."
"In other words, her autonomic functions will be a bit wonky, so she might have no control of her powers," Washu said.
"But I used standard pressure points to keep Usagi's physical body in a relaxed state," Tsunade said.
"But what if I, you know...I got go?" Usagi asked.
"That's why I am here," Nodoka said. "I am your mother-in-law, and it is my sworn duty to take care of the mother of my grandchildren."
"Um, thanks?"
"Dr. Bombay, how long will I be out?" Usagi asked.
"You'll be fine, in a day or two," Dr. Bombay said. "But, in the meantime, get plenty of rest, unlady."
"I'll try."
"Then, I'm off," Dr. Bombay said, as he lowers his ski mask, after packing up his medical bag. "The slopes won't wait just for anyone. Ha-ha!"
With a snap of his fingers, the witch doctor was gone.
"What quack," Ranma said. "A genius at supernatural medicine, but a quack he is."
"I'm off, too," Washu said. "There's supposed to be a sake festival in town today."
"I know," Ranma said. "A couple of friends of ours are down there right now."
"If I wasn't sick, I would join you, Washu-chan," Usagi laments.
"Don't worry; I'll save a bottle for you."
"You don't mind if I join?" Tsunade asked.
"Well, I did have an extra ticket that I had gotten for Usagi," Washu said. "I'm sure she won't mind me giving it to you."
"Do you?" Tsunade asked.
"Go ahead," Usagi said, as she waves her old friend off. "Enjoy to festival in my stead."
"Nodoka, if you need anything, page me," Washu said.
"I will, Washu," Nodoka said. These days, Nodoka lives with her father, in a home where members of the Juraian royal family live…
"Don't you two get into trouble," Ranma replied.
"Aw, where's the fun in being good?" Washu said.
"You should get some sleep," Nodoka said.
"You're right," Usagi said, as she rolls over into bed.
"Call me if you need anything," Ranma said, as he kisses Usagi on the cheek.
"Hmmmm…"
"Now, we can have a proper mother-son get-together," Nodoka said. "We have much to discuss in the way of where you will fit in the House of Masaki."
"Oh, great," Ranma groused. "More political stuff that I don't need to deal with…"
As Usagi drifts to sleep, her Crescent Moon Mark briefly glows before subsiding. Outside the house, a doppelganger of Usagi appears.
"Whoo-hoo!" Alt-Usagi yelled in delight. "It's fun time!"
With a wild scream, Alt-Usagi runs down the street…wearing only a bikini.
A short time later, Lord Zero gets word that his target was in Juuban Park causing a ruckus. With this information on hand, he heads out to the park with his cyber-dog.
"Okay, K-9," Lord Zero said, as he stalks the brush near a lake in the park's center. "Stay on a look out for the Moon Princess."
"Affirmative, Master!" said the unit.
And then…
"Weeee!" Usagi said, as she glides through the air over the lake.
"Finally," Lord Zero said, as he takes aim.
Suddenly, villains and super-villains that Usagi has fought over the years, also pop up from under the brush, and starts to blast her with all kinds of weapons fire.
BLAM-!
"Huh," Lord Zero said, as he took stock of the situation. "I guess I'm not the only one who's heard what was going on with the Moon Princess."
As soon as the smoke cleared, Usagi, apparently unharmed, continued on her way.
"Weee!"
"How-?"
With Usagi still roaming the park, Lord Zero decided to set up camp. He begins setting up decoys consisting of life-like androids of children.
"The Moon Princess is a protector of children and the innocent," Lord Zero said. "If I create the illusion of danger, she'll show up."
"Of course, master," K-9 said.
As Lord Zero turns away, Usagi lands near the decoys. She then morphs herself into her child form and stands very still…
"Yoo-hoo!" said Chibi-Usagi.
As soon as Lord Zero turned to look, Chibi-Usagi froze.
"Hmmm," Lord Zero said, noticing that one of the decoys wasn't fully clothed-
"Yoo-hoo!"
Lord Zero quickly turns back, and sees that all was still…or was it?
"Yoo-hoo-!"
"I got you, you witch!" Lord Zero said, as he begins shooting at Chibi-Usagi.
Chibi-Usagi dodges the blasts, a la the Matrix, and flies near a tanker filled with rice wine. In frustration, Lord Zero blasts the tanker, causing a flood at Café Americana, where the Sake Festival was being held. Moments later, Washu, Tsunade, Kazehana (aka the Sekirei of the Wind) and Major Misato Katsuragi of NERV, friends of Ranma and Usagi, come stumbling out of the building…drunk.
"Uh, what happened-hic!" Misato said.
"I don't, but I'm feelin' fine," Tsunade said, as they all fell over each other.
"This feels…good," Washu said drolly.
"Wait, I know!" Kazehana said in a slur voice. "Let's get Ranma to party with us."
"Good idea!" Tsunade said, as she and the other women struggled to get up. "Ugh. Maybe later…"
Meanwhile, Lord Zero's frustration grows.
"I can't believe I can't get that female," Lord Zero said.
"Tee-hee!" said a voice in the brush.
Lord Zero pokes his head into through the brush, and receives a wet kiss on the mouth from Usagi.
"Ta-ta!" Usagi said, as she takes off into the air.
"Oh, no you don't!" Lord Zero said, as he takes aim, and hits his target.
BLAM!
"Ah-!"
Splash!"
With Usagi into the water, Lord Zero turns towards K-9.
"Go get her, boy!" Lord Zero said.
"Affirmative, master!" K-9 said, as he dives into the water, and swims to retrieve Usagi's body. However, the only one to return was Usagi, who carried the mechanical dog on her back, and unceremoniously deposited him on the beach.
"Humph," Usagi said, as she slapped her hands together, and dives back into the water.
"How does she do these things?" Lord Zero wonders.
Throughout the day, Lord Zero's attempts to kill Usagi were met with frustration. It was only after K-9 ran analysis on the intended target that an answer came…
"Master, I believe that I have the answer," K-9 said, as he lowered his sensor antennae.
"Report," Lord Zero said.
"The target is a 'hobgoblin', master."
"A…what?"
"According to 'Tobin's Guide to the Supernatural', the creature known as the 'hobgoblin' is a manifestation of the psyche of the Id of a mystic who is mentally disturbed," K-9 replied.
"I already knew the 'mentally disturbed' part, but I had no idea the Moon Princess could generate such an aspiration…"
Pause.
"Is there anything that I can do to defeat this hobgoblin?"
"The original source of the entity would be the Moon Princess herself."
"Good," Lord Zero said, as he cocks his weapon. "Then, we go to the source…"
A short while later…
"…And I really think that while it is admirable that you are popular with the ladies, you have to be a bit more discerning about having children with them," Nodoka said, as she sipped her tea, as she and Ranma sat at the patio table in the backyard.
"Mom, I AM careful," Ranma said. "Look, the women that I am with, I have known them for years. And because of that, a few of them choose ME to have a child with, even though they rather remain unmarried."
"But, you do offer to be their husband, yes?" Nodoka said. "Making it legal for you to have multiple wives, in Japan at least, was not an easy law to get past."
"Yes, I appreciate your efforts to get 'Saotome's Law' Mother," Ranma said, as he rolled his eyes. "But trust me, I've been my own match-maker for years now."
"Well, I AM your mother, after all…"
Meanwhile, Usagi was sleeping soundly, when Lord Zero enters the bedroom.
"Humph, too easy," Lord Zero said, as he takes aim with his weapon.
CLICK-CLICK!
"What the Nine Hells?" Lord Zero said, as he checked his weapon. "I thought this thing was malfunction-proof…?"
As Lord Zero fidgets with his gun, Usagi wakes up…
"Ah!" Usagi said, as she tried to shield herself reflexively. "Ranma? What are you…?"
When she noticed the gun did not discharge, she became curious…
"Huh," Usagi said, as she snatches the gun from Lord Zero's hands. "This is that 'Anti-Moon Princess Gun' I've been hearing from 'Blackie'…"
Hong 'Blackie' Tenaka was the personal retainer of Ranma and Usagi, much to Ranma's annoyance.
"How the hell did you know that?" Lord Zero said, as he took out his knife made from Lunarite. "Nevermind. Prepare to die-!"
"Oh!" Usagi said, as she tossed the weapon aside, parried the attack, and had Lord Zero on his back on her bed. "You're being pretty frisky…"
"What?"
"Is your mother around?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Never mind. In fact, I'm feeling very naughty thinking that your mom could be in the next room," Usagi said, as she pulls off her gown.
Lord Zero was about to say something, when he finds himself tied handcuffed.
"How-?"
"You know that I perfected the 'Handcuff no Jutsu' technique," Usagi grinned mischievously. "Don't be so coy…"
And with that, Usagi, thinking that she was with her husband Ranma, ravishes Lord Zero's body…
Later, that day, Lord Zero and K-9 slump into his secret lair.
"Sir?" said Mr. Ichi said, as he and the other members of the Five see how disheveled their master was.
"Don't-say-a-word," Lord Zero said, as he gave his minions a threatening look, as he tosses the Anti-Moon Princess Blaster towards Dr. Yon, who catches it expertly. "I'm going to get some rest, and I will not be disturbed. Understand?"
"Yes, sir," said the Five, as Lord Zero slumps into his inner sanctum.
"Good. K-9, guard the door."
"Yes, master," K-9 said, as he positioned himself in front of the inner sanctum of Lord Zero.
SLAM!
"Lord Zero certainly looked like hell," Miss San said.
"Perhaps the master went through a titanic struggle," General Ni suggested.
"Well, I got work to do," Dr. Yon said. "Luckily, I installed a nano-camera on this thing."
"So, we'll know what the master has been doing?" Mr. Ichi asked.
"Well, sure."
"Let's take a look," Miss San said.
"I'll bring the popcorn," General Ni said.
With that, the other members go into one of Dr. Yon's labs, and sees how Lord Zero's day went…
Meanwhile, back at the Saotome Residence…
"I feel great," Usagi said, as she stretched her limbs. "I had this wonderful dream…"
"Oh, really?" Ranma said, as he shows Usagi a pair of boxer underwear. "Then, do you mind telling me who THIS belongs?"
"Huh?"
Fin.