Way-ull … this story sets somewhere in Harry's fourth year before Voldie resurrected. Times were still fun. Still happy. No Triwizard here. No Quidditch world cup. Just Harry, acting weird! I love weird Harrys. *Simpson laugh* Ha-Ha! Oh, I don't own The Simpsons!

DISCLAIMER : I disclaim! I don't own anything in what I write except for the plot!

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It was summer holiday again, and for Dudley Dursley, it was the worst. Because his cousin is coming back. His freak cousin. His wizard cousin. Yes, Harry Potter is coming back to Privet Drive number four this holiday and Dudley hates the fact as much as Harry.

But this summer, everything is gonna change. For Dudley Dursley has a secret weapon up his sleeve and it's no magic trick.

"Hey Harry," he called his scar-faced cousin after dinner. "Tommorow's September 1st! You're going away tommorow, right cousin? Poof! Begone!" he said gleefully.

Harry didn't say anything and kept staring at his puny chunk of chicken wing. He was ignoring him. Dudley didn't like this. He hates being ignored. Even by Harry. Especially by Harry.

"You're not listening to me!" he practically yelled in Harry's ear.

Harry spun around, "What!? Why should I? I'm always ignoring you! Why do I have to stop now!? I like ignoring you!"

"Because!" reasoned Dudley. Not that it is a reason, though. He just says that in a very acrimonious tone to scare people off and oddly, people always seem to fall for it.

Except Harry, of course.

"Because, what?" he challenged.

Dudley pouted his fat and ugly face. He hates being challanged. It makes him feel like a sore loser. He hates feeling like a sore loser. He hates Harry even more now for doing that to him! Aaaargh!

Harry smirked, "The big bully can't even answer a simple question .. ha!"

"Watch your mouth, cousin. You don't want me to rat on my Daddy, dontcha?"

"Watch your mouth, cousin. You don't want me to rat on my godfather, dontcha!?"

Rats. Now he's mimicking him. Dudley hates being mimicked. Even more by Harry. Dudley goes red in the face. His face is now so warm you can warm your hands on it. He is mortified. He hates his cousin's guts so much, that he thinks, he thinks that it is now THE TIME to use his new secret weapon on Harry. Yes, THE TIME.

"Oh, Ha-rry.." he called in a singsong voice. A tiny bundle of something was taken out of his back pocket.

Harry rolled his eyes, "this is the last day, the last day in friggin privet drive before Hogwarts, the last day .." he chanted to himself. Then he turned, "Yes, Dudley?"

The tiny bundle of something is suddenly let loose in front of Harry's specs. It was a pendulum.

Well, actually it's Aunt Petunia's old necklace but Dudley insists it's a pendulum. ("It is!" squealed Dudley) Yeah, sure it is Duds. whack! Ow! You hit me! Why you little..!! pow!bang!boom!kick!crash!whack! Uh .. ehem … get on with the story …

"What the-?" Harry started.

The pendulum swayed and swerved like a worm at the end of a fishing line. It wriggled and it swiggled. And Harry became transfixed just by watching it. He is being hypnotized by Dudley Dursley. Yes, this is his secret weapon. The hypnotize.

"Now.." started Dudley in a misty voice, "You are now a … pig … a pig … you are no longer Harry Potter … you are now a pig …"

Grunt. Grunt. Squeal. Snort. Snort. "Eeeeee!" squealed Harry the pig. He grunted again.

Dudley sniggered. But Harry can't go to Hogwarts like this. He will be mocked beyond you imagination! No, no, no. That would be bad. He is still his freaky cousin. Freaky, yes. But unfortunately, still his cousin. He doesn't want any pig to be his cousin.

Dudley sighed. He is becoming soft. He hates becoming soft. And he hates Harry even more for making him take pity on him. Oh, f*ck you Harry.

The boy snapped his chubby fingers and Harry blinked. He is no longer a pig. But he is furious.

"What the hell did you do to me!?" he shouted, shooting invisible daggers through his black specs. Dudley ignored him. Serves him right for ignoring him!

Dudley starts thinking. (what? He can think!? It's a miracle!)

Harry needs to become someone … someone so weird, so freaky, so uncanny, so unearthly, that even in the wizarding world he will be remembered as the weirdest weirdo of all. And he will suffer because of that. Dudley knows. Dudley sees it all. Harry will turn into the old Harry, before he even knew he was a wizard. The poor, defenseless, abnormal, unusual Harry. The Harry Dudley never hates and always loved.

Dudley sniffed. Ahh .. how he missed the old days. The days when it was just him and his gang using skinny Harry Potter as a puching bag. Classic. Timeless. He wouldn't trade those times for the world … well, maybe for a couple of sacks of potato chips or Mars bars remembering that he is still on a diet. Ugh. How he hates that word. Diet. Ugh!

Just then he saw MTV. He sees IT. Yes, IT.

The one person in musical land Dudley despites. The one who DARED to insult his favoritest spiritual singer of all time, Moby. The one who DARED to insultingly dress up as his favoritest pop star, Britney Spears in the legendary lolita school girl outfit. The one, the only, mr. Controversial – EMINEM!!!

Dudley growled at the TV screen.

(A/N : I DO NOT hate Em. In fact, I WUV him! I have all his tapes and there's this giant poster of him in my room. I'm sorry Mama .. I never meant to hurt youu .. so Em fans : don't hatemail me! I'm one of you! And to Moby and Britney fans, I'm NOT being sarcastic about them either. This is just Dudley's point-of-view of the people in musical land, aaiight?? Peace .. Peace ..)

The Shady One was just being interviewed by MTV News. Dudley growled again. He hates seeing Eminem being interviewed. Just look at him talk in that rapper talk … and he's – oh no! He's dissing Moby again! Grrrr! Dudley is growling even more severely. How DARE he say things about perfect Moby! It makes him so angry.

Suddenly, he realized – that's what Harry should be like! Controversial Harry. Ghetto Harry. Harry talking rap language.

Harry, the Rap Superstar.

Dudley's face broke into an ugly chubby grin.

For all I know, Dudley hates rappers. He hates hip-hoppers. He hates rockstars. He hates seeing men with long hair who wears bandanas around his heads. He hates N*SYNC for making pop so dirrty. He hates anything and everything that deceives the all-POP life he adores. He even hates guitars and become momentarily insane at the sight of them. (Uncle Vernon calls it Guitarophobia) Dudley is positive that everyone else in the world agrees to the thinking of his minute brain (which is NOT).

Now, he will turn Harry into something everybody else hates. He will turn Harry into a rapper. And not just any kind of rapper, a boy-who-thinks-he-can-rap-and-talks-a-bunch-of-jibberish kind of rapper. Yeah!

"Ehem … Ha-rry …" he said mistically, the pendulum swaying back and forth once again in front of Harry's face. "You are now … a rapper … a wannabe rapper … you are no longer Harry Potter the wizard … you are now – uhm – HarPot the rap superstar who is formerly known as Harry Potter the wizard … yeah … that's it … and when I snap my fingers, you will forget all and remember nothing of this –*snap*!"

Harry blinked.

"Cousin? Can you tell me, what's my name?" asked Dudley cautiously. Did it work? Did it work?

Harry blinked again then he opened his mouth, "Ya? Shut up, Duds. Yo ain't funny!" he said in what clearly sounded like rap-talk.

Dudley, my man .. you are a genius! Dudley smiled broadly. A big fat evil smile, for the REAL fun had just began.

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Ha Ha Ha!! cacklecacklecackle HarPot the Rap Superstar? Well, this is Dudley's thinking. Not mine! (yeah, right) Up for a challenge, guys? Think you can find a better stage name for Harry? REVIEW me! I'll be waiiitiiiing……

Oh, and I can't really rap-talk. So for all rappers and hip-hoppers out there – HELP! And REVIEW! OkeyDokey? (now, that's definitely no rap-talk!)