I sank to the ground, with my back against the wall. My head felt like it was going to explode with emotion, yet I still didn't cry. My mom's hurtful words ran through my head again.

Her calling me worthless

Calling me a mistake

Calling me stupid

telling me that I didn't understand the world, that I was too immature

Then she had proceeded to call me stupid for failing geometry and asked me why I had done it. In all reality I had no inspiration to do well in school. All I wanted was to be with him Edward Cullen. My boyfriend. The one who I would spend the rest of my life with. I had two loves. Him and music. With my voice and Edward I felt complete.

My fingers ran over my scared wrist. Cutting myself had been my temporary escape, the only thing keeping me from ending my life was how it would affect Edward. I knew that if I ended my life he would end his also, and that thought was unbearable.

I buried my face in my hands and my shoulders shook as my emotions finally took over. I let out a sob, and pulled me knees to my chest. I pulled my phone out of my bag and clicked on Edward's number.

"Hey Babe what's up? How was school?" His deep voice answered. I took a deep breath. There was no need to hide my emotions from Edward. He could see right through my lies.

"Edward I've gotta go. It's time to leave. I'm so close to ending it all" I whispered shakily into the phone.

"Pack your bags. I'll be there in five minutes. Please hold on babe I'll be there soon," he replied understanding exactly what I meant.

I clicked my phone off and grabbed my already packed suitcase from the top of my closet. Edward and I had been planning this escape for months, waiting for the right time. The time was now. I was going to run away with him.

My mother wouldn't care. She would most likely be glad to finally get rid of me. And Edward's family abandoned him awhile ago. When he graduated last year, and decided to pursue a career in music and not medicine like his father wanted, they immediately cut him off. Fortunately, his grandfather left him a good sum of money when he passed. His only reason for staying in Forks was me, but he would have so many opportunities with the music industry when we left.

We had planned to go to his uncle's second house in California for at least a week to figure everything out first. I threw a couple of extra things into a smaller bag. I glanced at a picture of me and my mom together. I had kept it in my room as a prop. To deceive people into thinking I was a normal 17 year old that loved her mom and did everything that she was told. Not a self-harming one who had a love-hate relationship with a 19 year old aspiring artist and who wanted nothing more than to be loved.

I heard the front door open and close and heavy footsteps and then my door was opened and strong arms where around me. I buried my nose into Edward's neck breathing him in. He smelled of smoke and leather. My favorite smell. His hands wrapped around my back, he rested his chin on my head. I couldn't help it, I started to shake with sobs again as he held me.

"Shh love. it's ok, I'm here, no one's going to ever change that, I love you, please don't cry" he whispered into my ear soothing me. I broke apart from him and grabbed my bags.

"Let's go," I say with a low voice with sudden confidence.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He says with a doubtful look on his face, "I'm not the kind of person you should take this kind of step with Bella. You know how I am-"

I shut him up by slamming my lips into his, roughly grabbing his hair.

"Shut up Edward." I growl at him.

I knew how he was. How rough he could be when he wanted something, the way he escaped pain with alcohol and sex. But I had my own sinful ways too and he loved me anyways. So I loved him too. I grabbed his hand and led him out to the front where his car waited. I popped the trunk and threw my stuff in the back. He stood outside the driver's door still looking at me with a doubtful face. I threw open the door and sat down in the passenger's seat with a blank expression. If I showed any emotion of regret on this decision he would take me back.

"Get the fuck in the car Edward, I mumbled," as he finally slid in behind the wheel. I looked over at him and gave him a reassuring nod.

"I'm ready whenever you are," I said.

He started the engine, and settled in his seat, pulling on his aviators. We head a long ride in front of us so I knew I should get comfortable so I plugged my iPod into the car's AUX wire. Ed Sheeran's Drunk came in through the speakers.

"babe you're going to regret this," I heard Edward say as I hummed the chorus. I looked over at him with scowl.

"What's to regret? I'm with the person I want to spend my life with. What could be better?" He simply gave me a small smile. We remained silent for most of the 2 hour car ride, which wasn't anything out of the usual. We both had a lot on our minds.

By the time we got to the first motel, It was dark, so me and Edward stumbled to the door, groping our way through the darkness. I found the front door and fumbled with the key until I got the door open. The motel was old and rank, but we didn't dare blow our money on something nicer. Who knew when Edward would get a gig, or when I would be able to go back to school?

Edward and I set out stuff on the ground. We were both exhausted so I plopped down on the bed.

My head hurt from depression and lack of sleep. I felt worthless, like I wasn't good enough for anyone. I needed to be loved. I needed an escape again.

"Edward come here," I said patting the spot next to me. He sat down and I threw my arms around his neck, kissing his cheek.

"Should we get a drink?" he asked me, staring intently into my eyes. We both knew the damage we could do when we drank, but we both needed the sear of the alcohol and the lust from each other. I nodded against both of our wills and he went a grabbed a bottle of vodka from the kitchen. I knew he wouldn't get glasses; we were beyond trying to be classy. I grabbed the bottle from him and took a swig, the clear liquid burning my throat eased my pain as he did the same. We continued sipping from the bottle, the alcohol getting into our system.

"I love you. But you are going to regret this, I guarantee it," Edward said with a bitter tone, letting me know that the vodka was doing its work. I shook my head grabbing the bottle back.

"God Dammit Edward, how many times do I have to tell you that this is what I WANT?"I snapped at him

"Well can't you see?! It's already starting! We are both drinking and arguing! How is this any better than being yelled at by your mom?" he yelled with a slur. He took the bottle again and took two long gulps. Tears seared my eyes again, that and the vodka had my vision very blurry.

"Because at least I know you love me," I whispered. He looked at me with drunken eyes, he drained the bottle and threw the it across the room, where it shattered with a loud crash. He was really drunk if he was already throwing things. I could see him trying to focus on my eyes.

"Fuck Bella stop sa-a-ying that! I- I'm not the k-kinda man you want t-to be loved by!" He said slurring again.

"I don't care!" I yelled.

"You're better off with some pretty stuck up boy like Mike Newton or something," he sniggered.

"oh than with some yelling drunk like you?!" I yelled.

I don't know why I did but all this anger was so built inside me that I had to do something with it. He stood up suddenly but he swayed on the spot. He stared at me with drunken and pained eyes, and I crashed my lips against his, pressing him back down onto the couch.

"Bella, you're so stupid" he mumbled as his hands roughly ran through my hair and down his back, our angst and anger heating things quickly. During our times of great anger where also the times where me and Edward found our love.

I turned my head to deepen the kiss, my hands tangled in his hair. He did the same, shoving his tongue into my mouth without permission. I didn't hesitate to let him. When Edward wanted something, he wanted It now. I forced my tongue against his as they battled for dominance. His hands traveled down to my waist and he grabbed my two thighs and lifted them so they were wrapped around his torso. My hands explored under the back of his shirt, feeling his muscular shoulders, tracing his biceps. I opened my eyes quickly and saw the painful look on Edward's face, with his eye brows knitted and his eyes forced shut I knew he was feeling regret and pain.

I took his face in my hands and kissed his cheek, letting my breath linger as I moved on to his jaw line and neck. I had started to suck on his collar bone when he suddenly shot up from the couch and pushed me roughly off of him.

He paced by the window across from the couch, his head in his hands.

"Babe you've gotta stop," he said quietly, "I don't trust myself. I've already hurt you and I won't even remember it tomorrow. Please stop doing this to yourself before I can't control myself. I don't want to hurt you." I could hear his voice cracking with sadness.

I slowly walked up to him, clumsy with my steps from the vodka as I took his hand.

"I know you do everything out of love," I breathed as I stared into his dark eyes. He knit his eyebrows again. I knew he was struggling with himself again. Between giving into himself and me or keeping us both safe.

I knew he had made his choice as he muttered "Fuck" and slammed me up against the wall forcefully, making my breath catch. His lips again slammed into mine as his hands found the hem of my shirt and slowly started to pull upward. His warm hinds slid up my stomach and then my chest as I lifted my arms and my shirt slid to the floor.

His fingers traced my collar bone as he kissed my cheek and neck, his hot breath giving me goose bumps. I pulled his shirt off also, discarding on the floor next to mine. With us both topless, he suddenly stopped kissing me and he just wrapped his arms around me, my face in his chest, his in my hair. I felt so safe and protected in his arms I never wanted to leave.

I suddenly realized that no matter how much I hated Edward sometimes and how much we fought, that this was where I belonged. A single tear ran down my cheek as Edward pulled away. I looked up into his eyes to see that his had welled with tears also. He pressed his forehead to mine.

"I love you so much," he whispered as he gazed into my eyes. Our lips connected yet again, except this time there was no sear of anger, just the fire of passion. He pressed his chest to mine as his tongue gently massaged mine and his hands slid down my waist and to my thighs.

"Jump" he barely whispered. I did, with him catching my legs and wrapping them around his waist as he walked to the bed our lips never leaving each other. He laid me back on the bed, his lips again exploring my neck and collar bone. Something wasn't right though. Edward was still kissing me with the most tenderness he had ever used but his was shaking. And that's when I realized he was crying, silently. I took his face in my hand and made him look at me. His eyes were red and his face was streaked with tears.

"I just" he began, "I'm so sorry!" he cried, his voice breaking as he finally let out a stifled cry. He sat back on the bed as I laid my head against his chest and wrapped my arm around his torso.

"Why are you apologizing Edward?" I whispered. He shook again with a silent sob.

"I'm just so fucked up and I love you so much. I don't know why you stay with me when you know I'm such a fucking mess. You deserve so much better but I can't bear the thought of you being with someone else. I think I'd rather be dead than see you with someone else. I'm so selfish, but I just can't lose you."

"Edward" I whispered, kissing his chin "I feel the same way, baby. But we will be together. Always. Fuck my mom, and your parents. Who the fuck cares that we're so young, I know that I'll never love anyone else like I love you. You're it for me Edward."

That night, we feel asleep tangled in each other. Ignoring the constant phone calls that I received, ignoring everything.

We would be alright. We had each other.