Chapter 1

Something was wrong.

My heart fluttered about ten thousand miles per minute as I rushed myself through three sets of doors. I didn't know where I was until I heard a sink and a pair of high heels march off to whatever business their wearer went to pursue. My legs collapsed beneath me and I retired to the dirty tile floor, enclosed in walls that seemed to move closer and closer.

I started to panic, trapped like that. I was shaking and weak.

Thoughts amassed in every corner of my mind and my breathing was panicked and short.

This is wrong. I am sick. I am mentally ill. This is wrong. I am wrong. My thoughts are wrong. Please stop. Wrong. Sick. Demented. Twisted. Futile. Disgusting. Ill. Perverted. Sick. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. WRONG!

I took a deep inhale as I sat crouched in the corner of some stall in the ladies' room.

Breathe.

I tried to remove my clenched fingers from the knot in my hair but they wouldn't move. My whole body had gone on shutdown as tears started to make their bastardly ways down down down. Each one hit my skin and stung like a needle piercing the flesh.

What happened again. Why am I sitting here curled up as if to die.

Oh I recall...

I had kissed his cheek.

A simple French gesture of goodbye to him was a panic attack to me.

Breathe.

I inhaled too sharply and a fit of coughs forced me from my comfortable toilet palace. I made my way over to the double sink and turned the cold tap on high, coughing and sputtering. All too eagerly I drowned in the water, taking too big of gulps and having to gasp for air every few seconds.

Focus on something. Calm yourself.

I took a much more careful sip of the iron flavored tap water and brought my attention to the simple decorations of the room. There were two stalls, one big, one small.

Good. Breathe.

I exhaled deeply. The walls were a shade of light blue and the floor tiles were sterile white. Like a lab. The lab I am currently cowering in. But the blue was of the walls at home. Safe and warm.

Breathe... but slower.

I relaxed my arms slightly and rested my palms on the low, white counters. Random spots of water decorated the counters sharing the space with an occassional waded up paper towel failed to be placed in the proper trash receptacle. A simple square glass vase held tacky fake roses which were meant to be white but were off by just a bit of yellow.

My breathing had evened and the stronger half of my mind pushed me towards the door.

Voices chattered on the other side.

"She simply ran off, I have no clue why. Serena?!" A man's voice called faintly.

They had been looking for me. My body was half tempted to shut down all over again. I flinched from the doorway.

Breathe. Push the handle. And breather slower. They are looking for me, don't make them freak out.

"Professor I found her!"

The door had been thrust open before I could put my hand near its destination. A surprised and equally scared chirp erupted from my mouth.

"Où est-elle?"

"Here, Sycamore!" One of the professor's loud and bubbly assistants proceeded to point me out, grabbing onto my hand and waving gleefully.

He pranced over as flamboyantly as ever inquiring, "Ah, my champion. Did I frighten you off?"

"N-no professor I-"

"All is well then. I'll be taking my leave." The lady assistant waltzed off without a care that I was red faced and breathing heavier than any human should.

I stared down at the tops of my dirty black sneakers, silent and unmoving.

"Is there a problem, Mademoiselle?"

The professor's warm hand playfully rustled the hair atop my head. I tried to hide my face further as the crimson on my cheeks swelled and burnt.

"I just need some fresh air... and alone time."

"Ahaha no worries! If you need me I will be where I always am. Très bien?"

I nodded my head just slightly so that my face was still concealed.

And with that he took off. Long legged footsteps moving further and further away yet my heart still pounded.

Yes, I am sick and wrong.

I like Professor Sycamore.

Chapter 2

"Serena, darling, you're running a fever!" Mom's voice crooned as she removed my scarf and coat. I stepped of the doormat after cleaning my boots and shut the door from the frigid Kalos air. Surely snow was on it's way to the small town of Vaniville.

Yveltal screeched from outside, playing happily with mom's beloved ryhorn. Ever since saving the magnificient beast a couple years back, he had undoubtedly become closest to me out of my entire team. Chesnaught often made it known to me of his jealousy.

I let out a chilled sigh and shook were I stood in the kitchen.

"You will never feel better if you don't let yourself rest my dear," she chuckled. "How many weeks has it been again since I saw you last?"

"One."

For that snarky retort I recieved a swift slap to the back. My coughing fit started up again.

"Oh geez, sorry. I didn't realize you were that sick!"

I slumped over into my father's old loveseat.

"I had a panic attack, mom," coughs threatened to tear my esophagus in two.

She abruptly halted pouring soup into a bowl for me. All I could hear after a sudden minute of silence was the metal ladel striking the side of the pot.

"You what? Why didn't you contact me or find the professor?" She continued to hurriedly pour the soup.

I muttered indistinctely, "He was the source of the problem this time."

"Stop mumbling."

"I said it was really nothing this time. I think it's because I've worked too hard and now I'm sick.

"Do you think medicine will help?"

"Has it before?"

She handed me the searing hot bowl and a spoon.

"No."

I silently stared into the chicken noodle broth. The scent of warm food and mom's lingering perfume brought me extreme amounts of comfort. Home was safe and safe was what I needed to clear my mind.

The soup did not last quickly before I requested a second bowl. And a third. The intense training and constant battle throughout the day had made me hungrier than I thought.

Mom reached over to my forehead yet again.

"You aren't as wamr as before but a nice bath and some sleep should help, right?"

I nodded in agreement. That and my body odor was starting to seep. Gross.

I went upstairs to an already set up bath. I felt too old for them but I didn't tell mom otherwise. Travelling about, plenty far from home and leaving my only guardian behind. Maybe she felt the pain of losing dad all over again when I walked out the door.

There in the murky waters I contemplated a lot. It was something that I often did. Thoughts that led to unreal anxieties and panic attacks...

Adulthood so far had not been shaping itself out to be what I'd planned. I planned to train for a gym leadership and that the work would we easy. It was more intense than any other training I had done before. Every day left me drained and I spent more nights in hotel rooms alone than with my aging mother. I was going to fall in love with some boy who I'd never met and get married like my mom, but never experience the same series of events my parents had. That plan had worked out simply swell. And then I started to think about the friends who had so easily left me behind as they went beyond being trainers. I was a champion but it felt like shit.

I was starting to hate nineteen. I wanted to preach to other young trainers to be realistic and go home. A title and golden trophy weren't as great as I had thought they would be. I couldn't wish the emotional pain of my everyday life now upon anyone else.

Pokemon training had been so easy at thirteen. Now it just sucked.

Sleep didn't come easy and I spent more time crying at an empty ceiling than getting better. Mom travelled in and out of my room as I faked comatose to replace the damp rag on my forehead with freshly cooled water.

Surely enough my body finally shut itself down before the break of dawn.

A faint sliver of light was the last thing in my mind as my eyelids came to a close.

Chapter 3

I was always the first awake but as I travelled down the blue carpetted stairs at noon my mom was up and raring to go.

"I made tea and put together a thermos for your travels. I'd rather you don't fly since they say light snow will be drifting in soon-"

"Who says I'm going anywhere?" I piped up.

Mom was startled by the sudden abrasiveness.

"Well, I need a letter delivered, dear. I figured since you have to train it's be best done by you. Are you feeling alright?"

"Honestly, no. Physically I'm okay but I'm mentally drained."

"A good walk should detoxify your mind," Mom planted a soft kiss on my forehead. All the years maturing had still rendered me shorter than my 5' 4" mother.

Three strong knocks on the door signaled to Calem's arrival. Six years of growing up had made him much taller, well built, and quite handsome. But my romantic intentions did not align with his. Mom seperated her arms from around my shoulders and let Calem in.

"Sup, Serena. You should probably bundle up. It is quite the chilly air out there," His voice was soft and full of laughter. But it was just as broken as mine.

Calem stood there silent and holding my belongings as mom wrapped me up. I could already feel the sweat coming on. My fingers raked Calem's as I reached for my thermos. His face started blush from affection but mine was simply red with fever.

"Go on you two. The cold air is going to turn my house to ice," Mom shooed us out with a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the back.

Yveltal awoke from chilly slumber and obliged as I returned him to his pokeball.

"Wow, I never ceased to be amazed by his attatchment to you."

"Yeah," I grinned, "He does most of the work and here I am getting his undeserved love."

"Maybe he senses something about you needing a hole filled and he strives to provide for you. Pokemon are more intuitive than the common animal."

I shook my head and sipped hot tea from one of the containers. We had only walked for maybe ten minutes and were already a quarter of the way to Lumiose.

"So what's been up with you besides all of the crazyworking your butt off?"

"Ahh, not much. I have a lot going on up in my crazy mind."

"C'mon, tell me what's really happening."

Calem nudged me persistently, causing me to slightly spill some tea from the open container.

I stuttered but I knew Calem needed to know. He and Shauna were always there and nothing quite matched their love and persistence.

"I like someone, but I feel like something is wrong with this feeling I get around that person. I don't want to like them but I do."

"It would help if I knew who that someone was."

"No! No it wouldn't and you would be disgusted."

"Try me."

"Damnit Calem it's the professor. Why do you think I was so down this morning!" I snapped unintentionally.

He stopped and stared at me.

"Wasn't that obvious?"

"Huh?"

He started to laugh uncontrollably in the middle of the forest. "You really think that wasn't obvious? Ahaha! Shauna and I both were waiting for you to admit it. Have you listened to yourself talk to him? Oooh professor let me just cling to every word you say professor."

I firmly smacked him across the head.

"Ow geez don't get mad at me!"

"It's not funny. It's sick."

"You're an adult now and he's what? Just now turning thirty. Heck, I can even see why you like him!"

"You really aren't upset at me?"

"No," I heard regret in his voice, "I am just so happy you can admit your feelings to someone other than yourself."

He was right. No matterhow little progress I had made, that was a goodfirst step.

"Next comes learning how to tell us when you panic, like last night."

"You knew? Nevermind, that does not really shock me at all."

"Our mothers are closer than two peas in a pod."

"Cheese."

"Louise."

We giggled and walked on like that for twenty minutes more. He was always well. Shauna pining for Calem's affections more and more everyday. Maybe my honesty could give him the power to move on. Or I'd have to live with the guilt. I shook my head to clear the thought and clutched the second warmed thermos. Calem sacrificed a lot for me but I would snap without him. I felt it was he who I should fall in love with rather than the professor.