"I think I need help".
Sam regrets those words with every fibre of his being. He just thought for one moment that Dean would actually listen to him but once again he's been proved wrong. It's not like he hasn't noticed the looks Dean has been giving him. He's not an idiot and Dean himself is not as subtle as he thinks he was. It's a good thing that Sam now seems to have unlimited patience. It must be the perks of being a good for nothing little brother who can't feel anything.
Sam knows that he probably doesn't have the right to be bitter about this, but it's not his fault. He doesn't know what's done this to him. Though he has a pretty good idea about what's happened to him. His soul's gone kaput. And well he can't say that a part of him isn't grateful that he can get on with the job without all the pain he's been harbouring all throughout his life. He's fucking ecstatic some days. But it's different now that Dean's here. It's like there's a whole inside him and he finds himself remembering things that he's supposed to be feeling even though he isn't.
But he just doesn't understand Dean's problem, his own brother thought he was a monster – again. And Sam could see how Dean might have been justified but...he went to hell...as a vessel of the creator of hell. He...he saved the world, he...suffered in hell. Sam's willing to bet that his time downstairs was a million times worse than his brother's and...some gratitude would be nice. But he doesn't want Dean's empathy or sympathy he just wishes that his brother would trust him for once.
One of the downsides to the whole "no soul" thing is that he can remember everything. Every single second of his fucked up life is stored in Technicolor vision up in his grapefruit. Even the part of him that hates his brother. He knows that the thought is irrational but Sam feels like he's been walking on eggshells ever since Dean made that stupid deal. He wishes that he'd stayed dead back then. At least...it would be a lot better than the way he is now. It's probably part of the reason why he thinks that Dean is just jealous. Sam remember what Dean was like when he came back from hell, hell even now he can see the pain in Dean's eyes and...Sam can't remember a time when it wasn't there. Dean would probably kill to be in his situation.
And it's thoughts like these that screw him up. He knows that it's not like that, he's not like this. This isn't who he is and while this last year has been pain and stress free, he misses being able to feel. He hates the way he treats people, the way he acts. It's just not him. He wants to be Sam Winchester again – he does.
But he's not sure if the pain is worth it.
He's not sure if he can survive it this time.
I