I've been struggling with panic attacks lately so I decided to write about it, since it always makes me feel better to write about the things that are bothering me. Hurt/comfort is my favorite genre but I wanted to switch it up by having Amanda comfort Olivia, since it's usually the other way around in my stories.
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There is no oxygen.
She can't breathe.
Or at least that's the way it seems.
Olivia tries to reason with herself, willing her frantic heartbeat to calm down and her mind to stop whirling in circles, frustrated because nothing is actually wrong and furiously searching for a distraction from this madness. But no matter how hard she tries, the terrifying sensations just become worse and she can't put a stop to what is happening to her body and brain, everything spinning wildly out of control.
It feels like she is wearing a corset beneath her work attire, the imagined garment pulling so tightly around her midsection that her ribs must be cracking from the sheer force of it, unable to draw enough air into her lungs through the restriction. There are black spots swimming in her vision and the tingles that have encompassed her hands and feet are now creeping down the length of her arms and up her legs, giving the perception of spiders crawling just under the surface of her skin. She is certain that her limbs are going to become entirely numb within the next few seconds and she will be unable to move from her desk chair, incapable of alerting anyone in the squad room to her predicament and powerless to seek the help that she so desperately needs.
Not that Olivia actually wants anyone to know what is currently taking place inside this office, however; the team's strong, dependable lieutenant, the proud leader of the Special Victims Unit, reduced to a quivering ball of anxiety for no apparent reason, the panic attacks occurring with an alarming frequency lately. Sure, she can imagine someone coming to her rescue; fantasize that one of her detectives will glance through the window and clue in to what is going on, that perhaps her sergeant will look up from his computer screen long enough to realize that his boss is in distress and will rush in to provide assistance and somehow put a stop to this craziness.
But that secret longing, the hope that one of them will magically be able to read her thoughts or peer beneath the inscrutable mask on her face and into her soul, is always squashed by Olivia's pride. There is a fervent need to remain a stoic, reliable superior to her subordinates, and one who doesn't break down at the slightest provocation; diminished to a crumbling, whimpering fool who wants to bury herself underneath the blanket on her couch instead of continuing to get her work done.
When Olivia thinks back to the day's events so far and tries to pinpoint the exact source of her anguish, she can't even fixate on one particular circumstance; the hours flying by as quickly as they usually do, just a normal day in the middle of a regular week. Victims and suspects, interviews and interrogations, arguing with Amanda and joking with Carisi; nothing is out of the ordinary, and Olivia is puzzled and concerned by the progression of her anxiety and why it suddenly feels like the world is about to end.
The abrupt knock on her door swiftly yanks Olivia from her tormented thoughts, and she doesn't know whether to be relieved or disconcerted by the distraction she has been seeking. She can't seem to make any sort of noise emit from her throat, the words lodging on her tongue, when she spots a familiar head of blonde hair on the other side of the glass, trying and failing to let Amanda know that it's okay to come in.
It doesn't matter, anyway; the younger woman entering the room with obvious confidence in her step before she even receives an answer, and Olivia would have rolled her eyes or shaken her head at the bold actions of her detective if she had been capable of any kind of movement. As it is, she is frozen to the spot while Amanda walks toward her with a faint smile on her face and a file tucked under one arm, Olivia's fingers splayed out over the top of her desk and her numb legs hanging limply over her chair, the continued racing of her heart the only indication that she is still alive.
"Hey, Liv, sorry to bother you," Amanda says cheerfully, although she doesn't sound the least bit apologetic by the interruption as she waves the file in the air. "I just had a quick question about a case."
Utter silence follows this announcement, and Olivia is aware that it is now her turn to speak; that she is supposed to be saying something in response as she and Amanda gaze at each other, a frown beginning to mar the other woman's delicate features when no reply is forthcoming. She is finally able to unhinge her locked jaw and slowly open her mouth, but there is still no sound emanating from between her lips despite her intention to encourage Amanda to ask whatever question she has.
"Are you okay, Liv?"
Shockingly, the worry in Amanda's tone and the confused expression on her face cause Olivia's eyes to fill with tears, another part of her body breaking out of its immobilized state as she blinks rapidly to keep them at bay. The need for some care, for some sympathy and understanding, for some help, is starting to outweigh her extreme sense of pride and she finds herself shaking her head in return, watching the concern on Amanda's face become more pronounced and taking note of the blatant surprise at her honest answer.
"What's wrong?"
Amanda's voice has lowered to a whisper, Olivia thankful that her detective seems to have realized she has left the door open and they are within earshot of the other officers in the squad room, although she still can't get a single word to come out. Amanda's head is tilted to the side as they continue to lock eyes with one another, the smaller woman's frown growing deeper before she whirls on her heel and strides toward the door.
For a split second, Olivia's panic ratchets up a notch even though she doesn't think it can possibly get any worse than it already is; afraid that Amanda has decided to vacate the area to allow her boss some personal space. Relief trickles through her system once again when she sees that Amanda is indeed trying to give her some privacy but is merely closing the door and shutting the blinds to block out any intrusion from the next room instead of leaving, the slender blonde hurrying back over to stand uneasily beside the desk.
"You can talk to me, you know. You can tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is, I promise I won't judge. I'm here to listen, Liv."
"I'm trying-" Olivia gives a harsh cough as her voice finally emits in a ragged whisper and she struggles to keep the words flowing. "I'm trying to talk to you."
"Okay." The tears are still threatening as Amanda rounds the corner of the desk to crouch down on the floor beside Olivia's chair, a tender hand coming to rest upon her knee. "Just take your time. There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere."
Olivia nods gratefully, the motion stiff and jerky as pain radiates through her neck at the simple action, but she supposes she should be pleased that there is some feeling returning to her body instead of having to endure this fuzzy numbness. She is aware of how closely Amanda is observing her, those big blue eyes boring so intensely into her own watery gaze that a shiver runs down her spine and a blush of embarrassment explodes on her skin to flood her cheeks with bright spots of color.
"I don't...I don't know what's wrong," she manages to gasp out, beads of sweat dotting her forehead and moisture slicked under her arms.
"I do," Amanda replies calmly, Olivia feeling a light squeeze on her kneecap and a hand running up and down her shin in a comforting gesture. "You're having a panic attack."
"Well, yes, I know that part," Olivia amends with an exasperated sigh, surprised that Amanda is able to tell what is happening when she is trying so hard to keep herself together and refrain from falling to pieces. "I just don't know why."
"There doesn't always have to be a reason," Amanda says softly, the hand that is trailing along her leg traveling up to grasp onto her sweaty palm and imparting another brief squeeze. "Sometimes they just happen."
"Well, this isn't exactly a good time for it to happen," Olivia chokes out between clenched teeth, listening to the quiet chuckle that sounds in response.
"I don't think there's ever a good time for a panic attack, Liv," Amanda laughs without any trace of malice, slim arms sliding around Olivia's midsection and the other woman giving a slight tug on her anchored body. "Come on, I need you to try to stand up, okay? Let's go over to the couch for a few minutes."
"I don't think I can move," Olivia whimpers, wincing at the pathetic note in her tone and angry with herself for the weakness that she is displaying in front of her detective.
"You can move," Amanda assures her gently, Olivia shifting forward a tiny bit on her chair and reaching for the blonde with a clumsy hand, the spots in front of her eyes darkening and multiplying. "It feels like you're paralyzed, doesn't it? But you can definitely move, trust me."
"I'm so dizzy...the room is spinning...I don't want to fall."
"I know you're dizzy, but I promise you won't fall." Olivia grunts with the effort of simply getting to her feet, trying to focus her attention on Amanda's soothing voice as she continues to talk and encourage her. "I've got you. Let's just get you into a more comfortable spot, okay?"
With Amanda's help, she manages to wobble into a standing position, her shuddering legs barely supporting her as they begin a careful walk to the couch, Olivia concentrating very hard on not tumbling to the floor. Amanda's arms are clenched around her waist as they shuffle slowly along the tiles, their bodies practically fused together as Olivia hangs onto the shorter woman for dear life, the room tilting dramatically as she slumps onto the sofa and leans back against the cushions, trying to catch her breath.
"Why don't you lie down for a minute?" Amanda suggests softly, Olivia allowing herself to be guided into a horizontal position on the couch and her eyelids drooping closed in exhaustion as she feels her crumpled form being covered with a blanket.
She can hear Amanda settling onto the floor next to her, feeling a hand stroking gently over her hair and shoulder, and Olivia doesn't want to open her eyes for fear that the tears still lingering there will start escaping one by one down her flushed cheeks. She is overwhelmed with emotion at the compassionate way Amanda is taking care of her, the other woman's patience and understanding finally letting her breathe a little more easily as the tightness in her chest loosens incrementally.
Olivia has to swallow back the temptation to ask the blonde to squeeze onto the couch beside her and share the blanket, ashamed for being so desperate and needy, especially while at the precinct, and prays that no one else will decide to knock on the door anytime soon. She finds herself leaning into Amanda's comforting touch as the detective keeps caressing nimble fingers through her hair, the light scratch of nails against her scalp causing a soft sigh to escape her mouth.
"Doing any better?" Amanda whispers into her ear when they have been silent for several minutes, Olivia's body feeling like it has molded itself into the cushions and wondering if the tender ministrations of her subordinate are going to lull her to sleep.
"Yeah, I think so," she answers drowsily, doing a quick inventory of her body from head to toe and relieved that the numbness has subsided almost entirely, her heart rate slowing to a more natural rhythm and the thoughts in her head not quite so wild and scattered. "I can feel my arms and legs again and I can finally take a deep breath, so I'm guessing those are some good signs."
"Yup, I'd say so." Amanda's voice is quiet and contemplative as her hand comes to rest lightly on Olivia's head. "That's the worst part, isn't it? When it feels like you have pins and needles everywhere, and you can't seem to take a deep breath no matter how hard you try."
"You've had them too, then?" Olivia cracks one heavy eyelid open to peer curiously at Amanda, the other woman's face so near to her own that she blinks in surprise, but instead of being perturbed by the close proximity, it only increases her level of comfort.
"Yeah, I've had my fair share of panic attacks," Amanda replies softly, her hand starting up the soothing motion through her hair again, and a pleased smile tugging at the corner of Olivia's lip even though she knows she should pull away. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one, but I still remember how awful they can be; how it actually feels like you're dying."
"Like it's the end of the world," Olivia mumbles with fatigue, every ounce of energy draining from her body now that the onslaught of anxiety is over as quickly as it had begun.
"That's a good way to describe it, yeah. They can be so dramatic," Amanda murmurs in agreement, Olivia meeting her gaze again as a thumb strokes over her temple. "So you don't know what started the attack? It just came out of nowhere?"
"I keep racking my brain for a reason, but I just can't think of anything," Olivia explains tiredly, observing the look of empathy on Amanda's face and her heart warming with the tender care that she continues to provide. "Everything is pretty much normal. Noah's been acting out a bit, but it's nothing that I can't handle. There are no bad...anniversaries...coming up, so it's not that..."
There are so many dates stuck in Olivia's head, the calendar an awful reminder of every terrible thing that has ever happened to her in the course of her lifetime; her mother's passing, Sealview, Elliot's departure, William Lewis, the death of Mike Dodds. These are only a few in a very long list of terrible experiences that she has suffered throughout the past couple of decades, and that's not even taking her tumultuous childhood into consideration, but Olivia still can't pinpoint the exact cause for her distress.
While all of these events are certainly horrifying on their own and only become more magnified when piled on top of each other and mixed together, causing long-term damage that she will probably never be able to fully heal from, life has been relatively stable and content lately. The memories from her past that she would rather not have come to mind are generally staying that way; a part of her past and not her present, and she chooses not to dwell on them for any length of time whenever she can help it.
She still has the occasional nightmare or flashback, but Olivia has gotten much better at dealing with them; at acknowledging her prior trauma for a short period of time and then putting it behind her, and she is not as bothered by them as she used to be. The recent anxiety issues are troubling and perplexing and have only gotten worse over the past few weeks, and she is at a loss on why they are happening now, when everything in her life has settled down into a more mellow state.
"Maybe it's not just one specific thing," Amanda offers quietly, Olivia feeling a stab of disappointment when the younger woman's hand falls away from her hair and she sits back on her heels so they can see each other better. "It could be a combination of things. Or maybe it's nothing at all. Maybe there isn't a particular reason."
There is a brief pause while Amanda blows out a breath, her forehead wrinkled in thought. "It was like that for me sometimes. Half the time I didn't even know why I was having an attack; I wasn't thinking about Patton or anything else that's happened to me, and it wasn't close to a bad anniversary, like you just mentioned. But maybe there doesn't have to be a reason for it."
Olivia rolls onto her side beneath the blanket and reaches out a hand to Amanda, still in need of some kind of physical contact and trying to push down any shame that tries to creep to the surface. She watches as the trace of a smile touches Amanda's lips and the detective grasps onto her hand in return, Olivia giving a slight pull on their joined hands so that Amanda will creep a little closer to her again. The younger woman obliges by shuffling forward on her knees so they are face to face once more, Olivia watching her intently and feeling a certain camaraderie with the blonde, as Amanda never brings up the name Charles Patton in conversation.
She is glad that her detective had chosen to enter her office when she had, although they still haven't discussed the case that Amanda wanted to ask a question about, and figuring it is nearly time to pull herself together. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done before the end of her shift and Olivia knows that she shouldn't be spending the remainder of the day cuddled up on the couch, but decides to take just a few more minutes to make sure that she is okay to resume her duties.
"I'm sorry you've had to deal with panic attacks too," Olivia says softly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Amanda's ear. "I wish I had known you were going through that. Maybe I could have helped you in some way, like you're helping me now."
"It's okay, Liv." The gentle smile on Amanda's lips widens a little further as they gaze at each other. "I appreciate that, but like you, I'm a very private person so I didn't want to share that information with anyone. I thought it was better to just deal with it on my own. And I only know about your panic attacks because I happened to walk in here in the middle of one. Were you ever going to tell anyone or were you going to keep this to yourself, like I did?"
"Well, I was thinking about giving Dr. Lindstrom a call if they didn't stop soon, but no, I wasn't planning on telling anyone else," Olivia admits with a shrug, the blush from earlier coloring her cheeks again. "It's...hard...to be like this in front of other people, especially my team."
"Like what?" Amanda's head is cocked to the side again, a waterfall of golden hair spilling over one shoulder as she regards Olivia with a frown.
"Weak...helpless..." Olivia mutters under her breath, her gaze falling down to focus on the floor. "I just don't want any of you to see me this way or think of me like that."
"Well, none of us do," Amanda retorts firmly, the younger woman rising up on her knees to wrap an arm around Olivia's back for a quick, reassuring hug. "Is that how you would have seen me if I had told you what was going on when I was having panic attacks? Would you have thought of me as weak or helpless?"
"No, of course not." Olivia can't seem to help snuggling further into Amanda's embrace when she starts to pull away, still longing for comfort, the other woman apparently getting the hint and tightening her hold around her. "But as the lieutenant of this unit, I should be behaving in a certain way. I don't think it's a good idea for my squad to witness me having a breakdown in my office. Although I have to confess that I'm glad you came in when you did, or I might be still be sitting frozen in my desk chair," she adds sheepishly, feeling a chuckle rumble against her shoulder as they continue to embrace one another.
"I'm glad I came in when I did too, Liv," Amanda replies gently as she pulls away slightly but keeps her hand resting on Olivia's shoulder. "And I would never think any less of you for having a panic attack. You're my lieutenant but you're also human. Lots of people have this issue and it's nothing to be ashamed of. And looking back, I think I would have done much better if I had told someone what I was going through."
"Well, you can tell me next time," Olivia urges quietly, grasping onto Amanda's forearm and giving a sympathetic squeeze. "Thank you so much for your help, Amanda. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up when you did."
They smile softly at each other, Olivia feeling safe and protected in Amanda's presence as the last remnants of anxiety melt away completely, and it occurs to her that perhaps it's not the end of the world after all.