(Open on a redheaded teenager in a dark olive drab smoking jacket reading a book, seated in a high backed swivel chair in front of o roaring fireplace)
T.K. Holmes: Ha! Oh, Mark Walden, you flawless combination of My Little Pony and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare never ceases to amuse me. (Looks at camera) Oh, hello there loyal readership! Thelonius Krasner Holmes here. I was just enjoying a cold night in. it's at times like this that I remember the Christmases of my past. You know, you caught me at a strange time. I feel… nostalgic and… sentimental. You're in luck. Looks like you get a Christmas special! Let's start off with a classic: A Night Before Christmas rendition! So let's start:
T. K. Holmes: "'Twas the night before Crossovers, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a … (interrupted by squeaking and chittering) Ahem… sorry for that. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring… (Interrupted… again… by squeaking and chittering)
T.K Holmes: Excuse me a moment…. (Pulls PaPDG4 Winter's Fury Handheld Cryocannon from jacket) Night before Christmas, blahblahblah house, not a creature was stirring…(chittering and squeaking comes again, Holmes aims the Winters Fury off-screen,)
T.K Holmes: HA! (Fires off the full clip off screen) Because the Mouse was frozen solid. Now, where was I? The interdimmensional beacons were positions with great care, in hopes that cultural figures would soon come here. (hears knock on door. ) Ah, here's one now! (opens door)
Tommy Wiseau: Ohai Holmes
T.K. Holmes: God no! (slams and locks door)
Tommy Wiseau: You are tearing me apart, Holmes!
T.K Holmes: (pulls out a 2-way radio) Yeah, he's here. Open up trapdoor 3745. Yes, the one with the flying robot commando piranha.
(Clank, thunk, Splash! Munch munch munch.)
Tommy Wiseau: You are tearing me apart, flying robot commando piranha!
T. K. Holmes: Don't worry, he'll be fine. This is a kid's special, right? Whatever you need to tell yourself to stop the guilt. Back to the rhyme. Suddenly, Holiday in her lab coat and Six in his shades were introduced to me by my lifetime maid.
Mom: THEL! A scientist lady and a green version of Mr. Smith from The Matrix want to see you!
T. K Holmes: Send 'em to the library, Ma! So anyway, When out from the lawn came a electrical clatter, so I went out to greet the reconstituted matter.
(Dean walks out of a house that makes Wayne manor look like an outhouse to greet several figures)
T. K Holmes: Ah, Richtofen, Nikolai, Lilith, Roland welcome to my humble abode (he offers a hand to each of them… at the same time.)
Group: What the-
T. K. Holmes: Just shake them. (They comply hesitantly) Now the other guests are in library. Please join them. Um, next part of the rhyme… (looks up and notices a large rainbow-colored shockwave, not unlike that of a orbital nuclear explosion, a small contrail speeding toward the roof before impacting the roof of his masion in a-you guess what color it is- explosion) Ah! And up to the roof I flew like a flash, to greet Princess Luna and Rainbow Dash! (Holmes pulls a Quantum Entanglement Device from his jacket and throws it at his feet)
(Cut to a helipad on the roof, it's sole occupants a midnight blue alicorn and a cyan blue Pegasus with a rainbow mane)
Princess Luna: So, this Holmes fellow was supposed to meet us here, right?
(Holmes appears in a ball of green and red lightning)
Rainbow Dash: Wow, that was impressive.
T. K. Why, thank you, Miss Dash, but not nearly as impressive as an unassisted Pegasus breaking through the Shaw-Fujikawa barrier and delving into a completely new dimension.
Rainbow Dash: (Blushes) oh, thank you.
T. K. And you must be Princess Luna, an absolute honor, your highness. (Shakes hand…hoof…whatever: Luna looks in her hoof to see a small business card, 105th RRTS, CO- LT. Col. Thelonius Krasner Holmes, 1-800-155-5151. she turns it over, on the back is a handwritten note, "For whenever Nightmare Moon wants to make her comeback." Holmes sends a wink in her direction, she winks back.) Now, ladies, If you would be so kind as to join the rest of our guests in the library. Now, to wrap up the rhyme. So why did I pull this insanely complex trick? To show how others celebrate the night of Saint Nick! Time to see how weird Christmas can get! Quite a fair bit, I'd bet.. you can read on if you please, but it might just bring your sanity to it's knees. For those not strong enough to win that fight, merry Christmas to you, and to you a good night.. Now then, time to see what the guests are doing.
(Dean walks into the library to see most of the guests getting along, Holiday is chatting about politics with Luna, Rainbow Dash and Lilith are gossiping, Roland and Nikolai are raiding the bar, but Six and Richtofen aren't getting along so well
Richtofen: How DARE you insult my mozzer like THAT!
Six: What are you gonna do about it, huh, Kraut?
Richtofen: You vant to go, Mr. Green?
Six: (Pulls out Katanas) say Auf Wiedersein to your- (Holmes comes in between the two adversaries)
T. K.: Gentlemen! It's Christmas! Let's not try to kill each other just yet, hmm?
Six: Fine
Richtofen: I'll save him for later, sure.
T.K. :All right then (Clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen, as you all know, tonight is Christmas eve, what's supposed to be the happiest time of the year. But, recently, I've found that some people have been ridiculed for their Christmas habits. This program is to show those people that we honestly don't care what they think of us, we'll do what we want to. So, Richtofen, let's start off with you. What do you do for Christmas?
Richtofen: vell, mien Christmases vere pretty schtandard before I went to work in Der Reise. However, my firest December there, Sophia, one of my coverkers insisted ve have a Christmas party, to lighten ze mood. However, ve had to, how would you Americas say, "ving it" our "tree" vas a moss covered frame of one of the teleporters ve vere vorking on, ze tinsel vas frayed and caseless electrical wiring, und ze lights vere vials of bioluminescent chemicals.
T. K.: Sounds like my type of tree, but what was under it?
Richtofen: Oh, just vhatever ve could find, a microscope, a coffee mug, even a few pens nothing much, but ve knew their importance.
T.K. That's all that counts right? So Nikolai, what do you do for- (snoring, camera pans to the bar to see Nikolai passed out on top of a mountain of vodka bottles. Rainbow dash flies up to try to poke him.)
Richtofen: I vould suggest against zat highly Rainbow frau, unless zou are not fond of breazing unassisted, moving, und eating solid food
Nikolai: (Snoring) He's right (Snoring)
(Dash hovers back down to the floor)
T. K.: So, Miss Dash, Princess Luna, do you have a holiday around this time of year?
Rainbow Dash: Heck yeah! We've got Celestmas!
Luna: It's where my sister, Princess Celeastia (note the barely detectable hint of disgust in her voice) delivers presents to ponies all over Equestira for their good deeds over the last year.
Rainbow: Still haven't gotten my invite into the Wonderbolts, though, and I saved the kingdom! TWICE!
T. K.: I'll make a few calls. So, Holiday, Six, how do you celebrate over at- (notices them making out in a secluded corner the library, under a branch of mistletoe) Huh, like that, I guess.
Richtofen: Different strokes, Different folks, I believe ze saying goes
T. K. : Indeed, So, last but not least, Lilith, Roland, you've been living on Pandora for some time now, you guys celebrate Christmas up there?
Roland: of course we do! But as you said, it's a bit different than what you guys do down here.
T. K. Holmes: How so?
Lilith: well, you've gotta understand, it doesn't snow on 97% of Pandora, so we have to go up to the Eridian Mountains, one of the most dangerous places on all of Pandora. THAT'S saying something. But it's all worth it when you can see your kids play in the snow, tearing into presents like skags tearing into a fresh kill, completely unaware that there living on the single most deadly planet in the colonized universe.
Roland: it's also good to see them living out the life you never could afford
T.K. So, it's all about family for you?
Lilith: Isn't it always?
T. K. : See? Not EVEREYONE needs mountains of gifts under the tree to be happy. All you need to have a good Christmas all you need are to make some good memories, appreciate what you get…
Rainbow Dash: get what you want
Nikolai (Snore) indulge yourself (Snoring
Six: (Finally comes up for air from making out with Holiday) and show the ones you love how you feel (goes back to making out with holiday)
T.K.: (opens mouth to object) you know, they're not wrong. Merry Christmas everyone. Now, time to make this party 20% Cooler! (At The Gala 20% Cooler Remix begins playing, disco ball decends from ceiling, strobe lights begin to flash, and the bookshelves flip to reveal hundreds of woofers) Thelonius Krasner Homes out! (He rips off his smoking jacket off to reveal a sequined tux, and begins shuffling off screen)