I don't own Fire Emblem or anything that has to do with Fire Emblem. So don't sue me.

I was late afternoon in the camp of the Laguz Alliance, just after a rather hectic battle (Ranulf may or may not have been entirely sober) and Lethe was headed to Ike's tent to return a vulnerary she'd borrowed. It was a nice day; the sun was shining and she could hear the birds chirping, a nearby stream gurgling, and the people in Ike's tent gasping and grunting.

Wait, what?

She listened closer. Damn. It sounded like Ike was really getting it on in there. But with who? Lethe had never even seen him sneak peaks at the women. Not that she'd been trying to catch him or anything. Well, maybe once or twice. But that was besides the point!

The grunting grew louder. The gasps turned to shrieks. "Ah! Ike! IKE!" Soren's sudden exclamation revealed the identity of Ike's bedmate.

"Soren! I'm sorry! Are you alright?"

"Dammit, Ike, I told you it was too big to fit!"

"I thought it might be able to slip through if we-"

"Well, it didn't."

"Maybe we could change the angle," Ike said. "There has to be some way to fit it through."

"Oh, go ahead and give it another shot. It couldn't possibly hurt worse." Ike's grunting and Soren's muffled gasps started up once again.

Ranulf strode up to Lethe. He didn't seem completely smashed, but he certainly wasn't sober, either. "Oh, my," he said, grinning. "Are they really?" he asked, nodding toward the tent.

She sighed. "You heard them too?"

The blue cat giggled. "The whole camp heard them! What are they thinking doing it in broad daylight?"

Her reply was drowned out by Soren, who was once again screaming. "When I said 'It couldn't possibly hurt worse' I meant it as a statement, NOT A CHALLENGE!"

"Sounds like he's in a lot of pain," Lethe noted.

Ranulf laughed harder and hiccupped. "Ike must be HUGE!" he yelled gleefully.

"And that makes you happy?" Lethe asked despairingly. "I'm surrounded by morons."

Ike sighed. "Why don't I reach in and try to shift it around a little? Maybe it'll loosen up and I can pull it out."

"Oh dear goddess, HE'S STUCK INSIDE!" Ranulf giggled hysterically, still hiccupping.

"I am NOT messing with this anymore. Just cut it off!" Soren yelled, exasperated and in a considerable amount of pain.

Lethe didn't think that anything could possibly shock her more than what Soren had suggested. She was wrong. Ike's reply did just that.

"Okay. I think there's a knife we can use in the supply tent."

A few moments later Ike emerged from his tent half-carrying a very grumpy looking Soren, who didn't seem able to walk on his own. "What's going on out here?"

"What's going on out here! What on Tellius were the two of you doing in THERE?" Lethe demanded.

"Trying to remove Soren's boot. He twisted his ankle in battle and it's too swollen to fit through," a bewildered looking Ike responded. "Why? What'd you think we were doing?"

"We thought you guys were having SEX!" Ranulf shouted, overcome by yet another burst of giggles.

Ike blushed.

Soren cussed.

Lethe facepalmed.

This fiction embarrasses me. Makes me glad you people don't know me face to face. *Hides under table and blushes*