Face Up.
It's late and I am tired
Wish I could spark your smile.
Ziva walked down the street towards her apartment, rain pouring down around her, having just come from N.C.I.S. She stopped and tilted her head up towards the heavens, closing her eyes as rain cascaded onto her face.
She wished that it hadn't of happened this way. She wished that it hadn't had happened at all. She sighed and blinked her eyes open, trying not to flinch or blink at the onslaught of the rain.
The place is flying high
But right now I wanna be low.
Her head snapped back down as she heard footsteps behind her. She looked around her, looking for the closest alleyway. One in front of her to her left. Ziva walked forward a couple steps the disappeared into the alley, making herself disappear into the shadows. She tensed as the footsteps came closer and she pushed her back against the wall. She breathed a sigh of relief as a couple of teenagers passed by, walking and laughing with each other. She leaned her head back up against the wall and once again tilted her head up to the sky…
Don't wanna move an inch
Let alone a million miles.
Ziva needed to leave, leave this alley and get back to her apartment. She groaned at how far she had to walk. She sank to the ground, not caring if it was dirty.
None of that mattered.
Ziva let her head fall into her hands. She tried to clear her mind, tried to sweep away the clutter.
She stopped herself from flinching when her phone rang. She pulled it out and looked at the caller ID. Gibbs.
I don't wanna go
But I know I gotta go.
"David," Ziva said into the phone.
"Where are you, David?"
She sighed. "I'm at my apartment, Gibbs. Why?" she questioned. It was silent on the other end and Ziva knew he knew that she had lied. She sighed again then mumbled, "I'm in an alley. Do we have another investigation?"
It was a moment before Gibbs answered softly, "You need to get home, Zee."
I just want….
To feel alive….
Ziva froze, confused. Gibbs rarely acted like this, only if there was a threat to someone he cared about. "I know, I know," she heard herself saying, "I thought someone was following me so I ducked in here for a second."
"You're sitting on the ground, aren't you?"
She winced. Of course he would know that. Why had she lied to him. Why did anybody lie to him. "Why did you call me?"
"We just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seemed upset after you got the… news…"
"I'm on my way to my apartment," she said before she hung up.
She sat there still, for a few minutes, trying to remember the way her heart used to flutter…
When she saw him…
She shook her head, pushing back the memories and thoughts of him. She pushed herself up easily and made her way towards her apartment.
The times…
You don't wanna wake up.
Ziva jolted awake and glanced around her room cautiously. She relaxed back against the pillow when she found nobody else in the room and closed her eyes, trying to fall back to sleep.
She tried everything: counting sheep, relaxing her body from the toes up, even saying goodnight to everybody she knew. Nothing worked. She sighed and turned over on her side, glancing at the clock. She groaned. It was only 11:00.
She laid like that for awhile before she closed her eyes and tried to remember the dream she'd been having.
Cause in your sleep
It's never over when you give up.
Dream
She stood on a dark street. There were no cars parked on the street or any cars parked on the street or any cars driving by. She glanced up and noticed a lamppost above her before she quickly looked away before the light blinded her. She rubbed at her eyes, freezing when she heard the sound she hated to hear.
Footsteps. Coming towards her.
Her head snapped up and she had to blink several times before she was able to see. Her eyes pierced the darkness, looking for anything, before she found them. When she had, they turned around, as if sensing her eyes on them. No, she thought, it couldn't be. It couldn't be…
Him.
He smiled at her, then turned back around and walked away. She stood still for half a second, perplexed, before she was finally able to will her feet to move. She ran after him, down that long, narrow, horribly dark street. Knowing in her heart that she would not catch him.
With every step she took, he seemed to be farther and farther away. As if the space between them was being stretched til' it was expendable.
Finally, she gave up and stopped running, trying to catch her breath. She turned around and was about to start walking away when she heard him say her name. She froze, then swiveled around, her eyes searching for him. She sighed when she could not find him and turned around slowly, not bothering to look up. When she did, she gasped, unable to stop herself in time.
He stood right in front of her now, as if he had been there the whole time. When she met his eyes, he gave her the smile that she loved so much. Still seeing it, darkness consumed her and took her in its hold…
Dream end
The…sun…
Is always gonna rise up.
She blinked her eyes open, shaking off the remnants of her dream. She stared at the ceiling above, going through her memories of when she had just started her training for Mossad. She had been so young when she had started.
Too young.
No girl should have gone through what she had gone through. No girl should have to learn and to train to become an assassin at such a young age. Every time she had gone to bed, she had prayed that the sun would not come up the next day.
You need to get up
Gotta keep your head up.
But every time she had woken up the next morning with the sun on her face, she had always gotten up to face the new day ahead of her. Instead of bowing her head to the faces that surrounded her training, she had kept it up, staring death in the face.
Look…at…
The people all around you.
Ziva opened her eyes once more and turned to look at the picture on her dresser. It was a picture of her, Gibbs, Abby, Tony, McGee, Ducky, and Palmer in the bullpen when it had been her birthday.
She smiled as she recalled how Abby had insisted that they all take a picture together. They'd all agreed except for her and they had had to dog-tackle her so that she couldn't run for the elevator.
The way you feel
Is something everybody goes through.
Looking at each of them, her smile faded as she wondered if anyone of them had ever felt the way she felt right now. She looked at Gibbs and knew that he had, especially after losing his only child and first wife.
She glanced at herself and was envious of how happy as she had looked and felt back then. Now, she felt despair. Angry.
Alone.
Dark…out…
But you still gotta rise up.
Ziva glanced at her clock and groaned. It was already five a.m. She turned away from the clock and thought about the life she could've had if she hadn't been trained as an assassin at a young age. She flinched. She couldn't see herself as anything else… Her whole life was here…
With him…
You need to wake up.
Gotta keep your face up.
She pushed those thoughts away, to the dark corner in her mind where she would never think of it again.
"Liar."
She jolted up into a sitting position, frantically searching the room with her eyes. When she didn't see anyone, she shook her head at herself, and whispered, "Great. Now I'm hearing voices."
"Yah, you are."
She ignored it and got up and got dressed. She didn't even notice the window that was open in her living room when she left.
Seems like the more you grow,
The more time you spend alone.
Ziva was sitting next to Tony's hospital bed, staring at him. The doctor had informed her earlier that he was sleeping and he'd be able to leave within a week.
She reached out to touch the jagged cut that ran from his right temple to his upper lip. But before she touched it, she stopped herself and pulled her hand away. She couldn't stand the thought of him being hurt, especially when it was her fault to begin with.
She had done this to him, had almost made herself live alone for the rest of her life.
She needed to leave, needed to get out of this hell that she'd fallen into. Needed to leave and spend sometime alone and think.
Ziva laughed at herself. She had been alone for so many years before she was sent here and he walked into her life. Then Jeanne happened and she had been alone again, on her own, like she had always been.
Before you know it,
You end up perfectly on your own.
She pushed herself out of the hospital chair and almost ran out of the room, unable to look at him. Unable to stand the thought of him dying.
Unable to stand the thought of what she had almost let happen.
She walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the garage floor. As the doors closed, she was completely and totally alone.
Like she always had been…
Like she always would be.
The city's shinning bright
But you don't see the light.
As soon as she got outside, she started walking away from the hospital, not caring where she was going. She walked cautiously in the dim light, not noticing that it was nighttime.