EDIT-8/12/12: I am so friggin late. 1 month friggin late..this will have a lot of grammar errors and maybe miss-spelled words because I am too lazy to edit it. But oh well. Read at you own risk. This is very cracky and I don't know what I was thinking while writing this...please enjoy
A/N: ah well since I love July 4th and America-as in the character in Hetalia
(I don't really love America as in the country in general...please don't hate me D:)
this is a birthday present for him(my lovely-ness~) oh how I love "America". I've decided I'll be doing this now other wise, if I wait later I might not ever do it 'cos I'm that lazy..so yeah.
DISCLAIMER: if I owned Hetalia I would be a millionaire right now and I wouldn't have to write this.
Rating:T-just to be safe
pairing: USUK
There will be a lot of grammar errors...i think..
read at your own risk.
enjoy~
_.-._
America was alone. Forever alone. He was really sad and down. And he did what he does best to keep the depression away. Eat.
Tears were flooding his eyes and falling while he gobbled his third hamburger. The hamburger never left his mouth and he just continuously took a bite. After he finished one hamburger, he would quickly unwrap another one and start stuffing it in his mouth. He mumbled into the hamburger, trying to speak while tears kept falling. Of course you couldn't understand a word he said and people who passed by his table thought he was retarded. They gave him strange and weird disgusted looks, but of course, America was too depressed to notice anything and continued to eat his lonely hamburger. Alone. With no one else. Near by...
America finished all 6 hamburgers and cried on the table, like a child who got his toy taken away by a sibling. But of course, he had no siblings-other than Canada who was in Canada(duh). He was alone. Forever alone. No, FIVEever alone. No one was there to comfort him and say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" for him. He loved his birthday, but he was getting pretty damn old. Ever since his independence, he would be 236 years old now. That was pretty damn old. For a human that is, but humans never live that long, unless they're a vampire. But, 236 years was not old for a country. Oh not at all. He would probably be 19 in human age. But anyways, he was old.
-US-
Just thinking about getting old made America cry more. He sobbed and hiccupped and all that weird noises you make when you cry. After upsetting half of the customers in McDonald's, he got kicked out for being a ruckus. By himself. He cried some more and walked through the crowds of all nationalities. And like any other people, those people gave him weird looks.
"wtf, why is he crying?"
"man, he's ugly when he cries."
"dude! It's a white man crying." flash snap flash
"aww, is he crying?"
"da fuq bro?"
"I'M CRYING TOOOO! MY HEART! ITS HURTS SO! MY LOVE! BABY COME BACK!"
"who the hell is making that ugly noise?
"HOLY SHIET BRO! IT'S FU*KING JULY 4TH MAN! FIREWORKS BABY!"
People who passed by him thought and said.
How dare they be hatein' on him, he was America! America thought.
But his mind was still in depressed land. He tried calling the other nations that it was his birthday and he was having a party, but it seems they were all too busy with other things.
'like other birthday parties.' he thought and sniffled a drooling booger.
By the time he got to his apartment he was sniffling his runny nose and had red eyes.
"I don't need those damn people. I got myself!" he sniffled and wiped his
boogers onto his bomber jacket sleeve.
"I got Tony, Whaley and Nuntucket! And myself!" he whimpered.
"screw all those lying douches! I can have a party-hard party by myself!"
Of course America knew he couldn't have a party that hard without another individual. Even pets weren't enough.
He unlocked the front door and slammed the door open.
"I'M HOME BITCHES."
only silence greeted him. America began to cry again.
-US-
Later that night, America was on his new awesome-tastic computer surfing the net. It was his birthday present to himself. His eyes were glued onto the screen, not blinking once. He was to engrossed in the cat video.
He clicked another video in the sidebar suggestions, but his internet hated him too so it decided to go: "BITCH, YOU SUCK! GO GET A LIFE. IMMA GO TO SLEEP!" and the internet single went off.
"WHAAATT! NO! NO, NONNONNONONNO! MY BABY! Come back on!" he shouted and shook his monitor viciously.
"YOU PIECE A SHIT! I COMMAND YOU TO COME BACK ON! NOW!" America shouted to an inanimate object. It didn't reply, But if it could reply it would have said: "BITCH PLEASE! I DO WHAT I WANT."
The internet single was still off and it made America even more pissed. But being the weirdo he was, a random thought came to mind.
"wait, what if the internet hated me too and wanted to get away from me because it was my birthday! What if he ran away to another person!"
his face scrunched up to a frown and tears began to blur his vision.
He began to sniffle and make the ugly weird noises again. Finally after all the depression and emotional feelings that kept coming and going, he finally let it all out, crying his feelings out. Nuntucket; his cat- lazily ignored him and walked past America. America suddenly grabbed Nuntucket and startled the cat. He sobbed onto his little kitty and blew his boogers into it's fur. The cat obviously not liking it one bit tried to pry America's hands off him, but he was too weak. He was just a fat fluffy cat, who ate too much.
-US-
After what seemed liked hours of waterfall of tears, he got up and went up stairs to his bedroom. The cat was so happy it did a happy-cat dance, but in reality, it just shook it's cute fluffy butt. America went into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red from crying all day. Tear stains made his face seem sticky and dry. His nose was as red as Santas' and was still drooling with boogers. He turned on his faucet and washed, scrubbed, splashed water onto his face until he felt refreshed.
He then looked at himself again in the mirror. And suddenly slapped himself.
"Get your shit together America! Everyone won't always be there for you.
Your an adult now! You don't need celebrations anymore! All you need is a little booze and some nice ass!" he smiled gleefully to himself and heroically laughed.
"That's right! Need to get some nice ass(es)!" he yelped gleefully and marched out his bedroom. He marched down the stairs and took his bomber jacket and went out the door once again.
It was already nighttime and all the flashing lights and street lights were on. He marched is way down the sidewalk happily, ready to get some nice ass and va-JJ's. Suddenly he passed something that looked quite familiar.
Big, furry, hairy bushes, but they were blonde.
"Oi! Bloody Git, where do you think you are going!"
Oh Great, the tsundere was here. What the hell was he doing in New York?
"what hell are you doing here?" America stopped and asked, quite rudely.
"Is there a Law that says I can't be here!? How rude." the Brit mumbled the last part.
"well, it is my country so, I make up my own rules." America pursed his lips
"if I recall, this was a free country." England retorted.
"...touche.."America scratched his chin.
"anyways, my boss has a meeting here and he wanted me to come along, so i'll be staying the weekend." England scratched his head and put his hands on his hips.
"cool story bro. Well gotta to go." America saluted and walked off.
England grabbed his arm and jerked him backwards while tripping America in the process. America, with his fast reflexes caught his own foot before he fell on his mushy-tooshy(butt).
"Dude! You could've killed me!"
"i wasn't done talking you wanker!"
"Well hurry up and say whatever you need to say, I'm quite busy!"
"Well where the hell are you going? We'll talk there!"
"I'm going to a strip club!"
England stood silent and began to blush, furiously.
"Y-You B-Bloody git! Y-Y-Y-you're too young!" The British man stuttered.
"Well, i'm like, 236 years old now soooo, I think i'm aloud to get some booze and nice ass." America replied.
"You can't go! I won't let you!" England replied, too quickly.
"Well then are you gonna give me ass or what?"
shocked by America's reply, England blushed another shade of red but times 100.
"i wouldn't mind"England mumbled inaudible.
"WUT!" America shouted.
"N-Nothing! You stupid Git!"
"Welp, then imma go! See ya later alligator!" And so America began to walk off again.
"W-Wait America!" England suddenly yelled.
Before America could turn around, a box was shoved into his abdomen.
"ofph" America looked at the box. It was neatly wrapped in The American flag wrapping paper and a red, blue, and white curly bow on top.
"What is-"
"H-H-Happy Birthday America!" England shouted quickly.
America looked at England, who was looking away with a crimson blush on his face. He looked at the present then back at England. A wide grin spread across his face. And out of sheer excitement, He grabbed England forcefully and gave him a tight, death-squeezing bear hug.
"Oh iggy! I love you so much! Do you know that! Soooo much! Love ya so damn much!"
"D-Don't talk G-Gibberish!" was England's reply.
Before England could say anything else, America was dragging him back to his apartment.
"W-Where are you taking me!"
"Back to my apartment!" America said gleefully.
-US-
America was so happy, he swore he could be the happiest person in the world right now. The big smile on his face never left his lips.
Just seeing America smiling so happily, England began to smile too.
"We're gonna celebrate all night. Gonna get drunk and watch cat videos all night! Then we gonna PAR-TAY!" America jumped joyously, still holding onto England's hand.
America was fishing for his key in his jacket. So many ideas were popping into his head. They were gonna get drunk, eat all the food, party hard!
He just might get some ass, from England that is. Abruptly, America stopped what he was doing.
"England turn around!"
"what!?Wh-EEP." America had grabbed England's buttocks and gave a nice squeeze.
"W-WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU TWAT!" England yelled furiously. America continued to fish for his keys again ignoring England's yells.
"nothin'!" America smiled again and unlocked the front door. England's ass was good. Good enough. Close enough. Though it may have been small but oh well, at least he was not FIVEever alone anymore!
They walked into America's living room and America ran into the kitchen to grab a pack of Bud light.
"Let's get this striaght, just because I let you touch my arse does NOT mean your getting my arse tonight!" England suddenly yelled across the room.
"Wuuuuuuttttttt!"
-US-
America did get some ass. Oh, it was good British ass.
-fin-
EDIT8/12/12: I think I was probably high on sugar while writing this LULZ. Or maybe I was just super excited about the 4th of july. I actually celebrated 4th of july with my awesome best friend 'cause my family is too broke to afford fireworks...i actually wrote this two days before the 4th buuut never submitted this fic cuz I thought it was gay :\...but now reading it again...i'll just submit it for the lulz and crack. Lastly " HAPPY SUPPER-DUPER-FRIGGIN-LATE BIRTHDAY MY BRO AMERICA! Also, R&R..
'zere za goes~ HAPPY BIRFDAY AMERICA! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, CAN YOU LOVE ME TO?!
I feel really sad, I won't get to celebrate his birthday! I'm going campimg with my family.../cries but I might just stay home. FIVEever alone. In my room. On the computer. .long.../cries I have no life.
I really want to see some fireworks before I go at least. Actually people in my neighborhood were already shooting fireworks. Bitches can't read the date...
Annnywaaayys well hoped you liked it and please excuse my cracky-cursing. I feel like this is more like crack rather than a real humor fanfic...
please R&R~