Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. One of them, known as The Cheese Spirit, belongs to Léa, a.k.a. crazygirl47, a.k.a. The Most Awesome Fanfic Writer in the Universe (or one of them, as I'm not sure I'm authorized to make that kind of judgment) who wrote the fanfic "The Prank War." If you don't read it, I will bite you. And not in a good kinky way. Because I don't like that kinda stuff.

Everyone else belongs to J.K. Rowling, yada yada, boo-hoo. Notmine. Don'tsue.

Chapter 1: Glares, Soda, and Mad Crazy Sex

"No, Sirius, this time you've gone TOO FAR! I can't let you do this! Do you have any idea how much trouble you'd be getting into?" The sixth-year Gryffindor pounded up the stairs to the boys' dormitories, following an evilly grinning Sirius Black.

"As a matter of fact, I do know. I won't be getting into any trouble, dear old Moony," laughed Sirius as he threw an arm around his friend's shoulder, "because I won't be getting caught! Brilliant how that works, mate." The two Marauders headed into the room, and Sirius proceeded to rifle through his trunk. "Aha, here it is!" He proclaimed, thrusting his can of Barq's root beer (a rather peculiar fizzy Muggle drink) up into the faded rays of September sun. "D'ya want some, Remus?"

"Good lord, no, Padfoot. I don't see how you can stand the stuff," Lupin pushed the can away from him. He had tried it once, and it felt like he was drinking cold fire--and then came the belching, which was, admittedly, rather fun, but still not worth the burning in his throat. "And you still shouldn't pull that prank; even if you don't get caught, which you will," --he glared at Sirius-- "it would be cruel. Yes, even for Snape. Promise me you won't do that to him."

Black chewed his lower lip in thought for a moment, grinning mischievously. "PROMISE!" the werewolf finally barked at him, brandishing his glare-of-death, and Sirius held his hands up in defeat.

"All right, I promise, I won't pull that on Snape," he surrendered, crossing his fingers behind his back. Trying to change the subject, he asked, "hey, where'd Prongs go?"

"I'm right here," James called from behind the curtains of his bed. He was sitting on his bed with his back to his friends, who only just realized that their favorite Potter was holding something in his lap and frantically moving his right hand up and down.

"JAMES POTTER! Are you--mas--" a flustered Remus fired.

"No, no, it's not what you think--"

"Jesus, Prongsie, in the middle of the afternoon?"

"Oh, for god's sake--guys, I'm trying to stir this stupid potion!"

There was an uncomfortable, if slightly relieved, moment of silence before Sirius plowed on: "What in the bloody hell are you making a potion for? We haven't even had our first exam in Potions! Come on, Jamesy dearest," Sirius hopped onto James's bed, peering into his cauldron. "What is that you're brewing, why, and what," he sniffed the air, "is that stench?"

"It wasn't me!" squealed Peter, whom no one had seen come in.

The three boys rolled their eyes. "Relax, Wormtail," Potter coughed. "It's this potion, and it's none of your business what it is or why I need it."

"Ri-ight. Well, then, mate, we'll simply grab this book and be on our way--LEVICORPUS!!" Sirius whipped around, pointing his wand at James, who found himself swinging dangerously from his ankle. "Are you sure it's none of our business, Potter?"

James glared daggers at his black-haired friend, but it didn't really have the effect that he wanted it to, seeing as his head was filling up with blood and half-hidden beneath his robes, which had flipped up. "Bugger off, Padfoot!" he snarled, only to find himself twirling in circles like an upside-down ballerina. "Isalfpshnfrilly…"

"What's that, Potter? We couldn't quite hear you." Sirius stopped James's midair swaying, but kept him suspended by his ankle.

"Izalofpshnfrly!" James repeated, obviously not wanting to be understood. Sirius flashed an eager, cheesy smile and cupped his ear melodramatically.

"IT'S A LOVE POTION! FOR LILY! BECAUSE I LOVE HER! AND WANT TO HAVE MAD CRAZY SEX WITH HER! AND BABIES!" James finally hollered, fed up with his friends. "There! I said it! Are you happy now!"

The three Marauders exchanged unreadable glances, and James fell back onto his bed with a PLUNKET. "Is that all? Geez, James, when are you ever going to get over that Evans chick?"

James glared at Sirius. "I am never going to 'get over her,' because I love her. Just because you haven't had a decent snog in years, doesn't mean I don't plan to." He grinned, knowing that later he would probably pay for roasting Black. "Anyway, Wormtail, is the coast clear?"

"Yeah, James, no one's there. Should I stand lookout just in case…?..." Peter held the Marauder's Map out to Potter.

"Sure, Peter. Let's go," James said, wrapping himself in his silvery invisibility cloak. A newly disembodied voice explained, "I realized I don't have any porcupine quills, so I'm going to nick some from the Potions classroom." On his way to the stairs, not forgetting his embarrassment, he added, "by the way, Moony, Sirius had his fingers crossed."

He left, smirking under his cloak, as Peter scurried out of the line of fire of a raging Remus.

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A/N I would've made this longer, but it seemed like a perfect stopping point and I'm lazy. So there. Will post next chapter within two days, I swear!