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I was fuming. Why was I fuming? Mulder decided he was going to ditch me, yet again, to go follow up on a lead. I can't really call it ditching me, because he did phone me and say that he was going to go, that I should just stay home and not worry about it. He said that he would call me and let me know what happens. I think that is what pissed me off the most! Why the hell would he call and then tell me to stay home. Aren't we partners? Shouldn't he at least try to persuade me into joining his little adventure? He used to. Did something happen between us that I seemed to have overlooked?
If you asked me what provoked Mulder's behavior, I wouldn't even begin to tell you. Lately we had become closer. We've been working together for six years, and I think that the rule book was thrown out the window after four. Recently, Mulder had invited me over to his house every Friday for beers and a movie. Sometimes I would have one too many to drive, so Mulder had me take the bed while he slept on the couch. I declined his offer, but he insisted that he kept it made for me, shall I ever need a place to stay. I was flattered. On many occasions, I would pass out on his shoulder. He would cover me up with his blanket, then he would go to his bed like a gentleman. Sometimes he would carry me to the bed, but I told him to leave me on the couch. If I was going to be boring and pass out on him, then that would be my punishment. He laughed at that.
Though, many times, I had been on the verge of sleep, and I would feel Mulder staring at me. I knew he liked to watch me sleep. He had told me a couple times, after a few beers. He said that I looked peaceful and happy. I looked like I didn't have a care in the world. He said that my face looked angelic. I was touched. I knew Mulder was in love with me. He had told me while he was in the hospital. I thought, at first, that he was drugged. But, the way he was reacting confirmed my suspicions. I liked the thought of Mulder staring at me when I slept. It made me feel warm inside. It sounds funny, but when he stares, I can almost feel his love.
One time, he was tucking me into bed, and I felt him kiss my cheek. He had covered me up and made sure I was safe and secure. I felt him stare at me for a minute and then he whispered an 'I love you.' I had to strain to hear it, and I thought I had imagined it, but the way he sighed, I knew it was confessed. I mumbled a good-night and rolled over. I wanted to say it back, but the time wasn't right.
Now you can see why this behavior is out of character. If we had been closer and possibly crossing that line, why would he ditch me. He knows how I feel about him leaving me behind. Was he trying to push me away?
Anyway, here I am at his apartment, madder than hell. I don't know if I am more mad or insulted. I decided that I would wait for him when he got home and confront him here. It was late, so I was already in my sweats and tank top. Half way to his apartment, I realized that I should've put on clothes. But, I was so pissed, logic seemed scarce. I used my key to let myself in. I plopped myself down on the couch and ran scenarios through my head. I kept planning on what I was going to say to Mulder. I wasn't sure if I should use the guilt trip or just flat out lay into him. I didn't really have time to decide, because the next thing I knew, I heard the key being inserted into the old lock.
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