Absolution
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any of these characters. All I own are the thoughts I created for them. In this case the character is Jay. I honestly hope that Jay and Alex end up together because they seemed real, they seemed honest, they weren't like a fairy tale. It gives hope to the rest of us screw ups that there is hope, that someone may still love us. Basically these are my ideas about how he feels after he cheated on Alex. This fic takes place after 'Secrets' but before 'Eye of The Tiger'
Sometimes he couldn't believe that he'd done that to her. He didn't want to believe that he'd hurt Lexxi, that he'd been the one to finally break her. She'd always been so strong, tougher that any other girl. But sleeping with her best friend, and then with another chick, and then giving all three an STD, that would be enough to break any girl. But he wasn't lucky enough to have broken just any girl. He broke the only one he ever really cared about. And she might have loved him back if he hadn't been so stupid, but he had been, he had been so damn stupid. And the thing was Jason Hogart wasn't really as stupid as everyone thought he was, he just made a lot of mistakes, and this thing with Alex was the worst in a long line of mistakes.
He made a lot of mistakes. It had been a mistake when he was four and spit on the sandbox bully. It was a mistake when he cheated off of the class nerd in fifth grade. It was an even worse mistake when he was fourteen and hit his step dad. The bastard put his mom in the hospital for a week and him in a cast for the summer, Alex had been the first to sign it. It had been a mistake to start stealing stuff, but in the beginning he actually needed the money. It had been a mistake to publicly humiliate Rick and then lie to him about it afterwards, letting him think it was Jimmy who betrayed him. But even that didn't touch what he'd done to Alex.
He betrayed her in the worst possible way. He'd slept with her best friend. Her mother fucking best friend. And it wasn't even like Amy had anything on Alex. Amy was just a boring, bleach blonde, trailer trash whore who liked to sleep around. Alex was worth five of Amy. Alex wasn't a slut, she wasn't bleach blonde, and she sure as hell wasn't boring. And Emma, what had he been thinking, cause girl wasn't even worth half of Alex. Emma was a little virgin who everyone thought was virtuous. She was just as much of a whore as Amy, she was just better at lying about it.
They weren't even very pretty. Amy was your average trailer trash whore. And Emma was just an environmentally conscious version of Amy, with stringy blonde hair and nicer clothes. Alex was different, she was gorgeous, something truly amazing. The thing was, it wasn't just that she was drop dead gorgeous. It was the way her eyes glinted when they were planning something. It was the way she could stand toe to toe with any guy and stare him down. It was the way she took on anyone and everyone. It was how she fit perfectly into his arms, the way he didn't have to bend in half to kiss her. It was how she was easily the hottest chick at Degrassi and had no idea how perfect she was. It was how she hardly wore any make up and how she could look so damn hot in a pair of baggy pants and a tank top. It was how she took care of him when he was hurt and how she stood up to her two hundred pound plus step father. It was how she looked insanely hot in her lame work clothes. It was how next to her a supermodel would look like a total dog. It was how when they were together they weren't just two random people, they were Jay and Alex; they were a perfect fit.
Guys like him weren't supposed to think about girls like this. They were supposed to be all about sex, sex, and more sex. There wasn't supposed to be any philosophy or even any love. There wasn't supposed to be anything but sex and booze and more sex. Now he was only human, he liked sex, he liked it quite a bit, but with Alex there was more to it. He liked to hold her and listen to her breathe. He liked to pretend that he'd end up in university or with a decent job so he could support her. But it wouldn't happen because if by some miracle he did get into university, she would never take him back. He didn't blame her; he was a jackass, a completely worthless jackass, a completely worthless, white trash jackass who'd never make anything of himself.
He wanted to pound his head against a brick wall until his very small brain poured out of his ears. He wanted to rip his own skin off for touching those other girls. He wanted to rip out his own heart and stamp on it, so he could feel the pain she must be feeling. But mostly he wanted to pick up the pieces of her broken heart and put it back together for her, like the time they'd broken her mom's vase and he had put it back together for her. He wanted to make everything better for her, but he couldn't because he was the one who had broken her. And now all he wants to do is break himself into a thousand tiny pieces so that he could feel as terrible as she did.
He wanted to make himself hurt so badly that the hurt was driven from her eyes. She hid it so well, laughing and talking, going on with life as normal. He doubted her new friends even noticed, but he did. He was the only one who could read her. No one else could tell when she was sad or hurting, she was too damn good at disguising it, at throwing up the barriers and keeping everyone out. But somehow he'd gotten past the barriers and shattered her. She was broken inside, but the barriers were still firmly in place keeping everyone out. They couldn't see that she had been crushed, that she was hardly a shell of her real self, all they saw was the toughest chick at Degrassi, the one who couldn't feel anything, the one who would never take him back. But he could tell, he saw right through her barriers. It was obvious to him, the pain practically called out to him from across the hall.
She didn't look at him anymore, but he found himself watching her constantly, reliving every moment he could.
Everyone had noticed how inseparable they were, for god's sake they'd never been just Jay or just Alex, to the rest of the world they were Jay and Alex, the inseparable duo who scared the shit out of everyone. It was so much more than just an image; they drew strength from each other. He'd been there for her when her mom landed in the hospital and she'd returned the favor. He'd taken on her step dad and she'd faced his, even though the bastard could have crushed her in one blow. He'd iced her bruises and she'd cleaned his cuts. They lived on the same street in the same trashy neighborhood on the same side (the wrong side) of the tracks. They'd fallen asleep, huddled together when the power had been turned off or when their step-fathers threw their respective hissy fits. She'd been the first one to sign his cast the summer his step-dad threw him into a wall, actually she'd been the only one he let sign it, because tough guys don't walk around with autographed casts. But she signed it 'Get well soon tough guy, Lexxi.' And he didn't mind because Lexxi was the name he'd given her and he was the only one allowed to call her that. She'd called him once, barely choking back tears. She'd been so sure that her step dad had killed her mom this time. He'd gone right over and crawled in through her window. He stayed there all night, promising her that everything would turn out okay. He came over a couple days later with a black eye and a split lip. She'd taken care of him and let him spend the night. Her mom was still in the hospital and her step dad was off who knows where.
He asked her out that night, with his lip swollen and hunk of meat pressed against his eye. She looked at him funny and he regretted asking her, planning to blame it on a head injury or something, but she said yes. And for the first time in his life the tough guy wasn't feeling so tough, and he didn't mind, because he had the girl he'd always wanted.
And now he wasn't feeling so tough anymore, and this time he minded, because he'd lost the girl he'd always wanted.
With a shake of his head, he dispels the memories and walks, saunters out towards his car, trying his best to keep up his tough guy image, but it was hard without her, it just didn't feel right. A figure rushes past him and he can't help but look. And when he did his worst fears were confirmed, it was Lexxi and she looked like she was running away from someone. He felt himself falling into protective boyfriend mode, looking around for whatever guy he'd have to beat down to take care of his Lexxi, and then it hit him. She wasn't his Lexxi anymore, he didn't have a right to go into protective boyfriend mode, he didn't even have the right to ask her what was wrong, since he was what was wrong.
But he was past caring, he hated being without her, he hated seeing how badly she was hurting, he hated knowing that he was the reason she was in so much pain. He didn't care what his rights were or what they weren't, he needed to be near her, he needed to be with her, but mostly he just needed her to know the truth.
"Lexxi" he said, the name sticking in his throat. He wished he could choke on it and die the painful death he so deserved. He clears his throat, "Lexxi" he calls and notices her flinch at the use of the old nickname. He walks towards her and stops about a yard from where she was standing, frozen and unmoving. "Lexxi?" His voice is softer and this time it's a question. She turns to face him, "Lexxi," he asks, "Are you all right?" She looks at him for the first time in weeks and takes a single step towards him. "Lexxi, I just want to talk to you." Her eyes are burning, anger obscuring the pain and hurt that swirl in their depths. She lifts her hand and brings it towards his cheek, fully intending to slap him across the face, stopping centimeters from his cheek as she notices the fading bruise on his face and the slowly healing gash on his lower lip. She let her hand fall to her side and looked him directly in the eyes, her hazel locking onto his blue, and a painful electric tinglling washes over him, and he knows for sure that he's still undeniably in love with her. "Look Lexxi…" he says, breaking the gaze and looking over her shoulder towards the bus stop, noticing Ellie watching them. That's right, Lexxi's new best friend was the vampire chick, yet another girl that had been broken by their crew, at least that one hadn't been his fault. He clears his throat and blinks furiously, knowing that tough guys don't cry. "Look, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you, and for taking advantage of Amy and Emma." Her eyes shut tightly as he says their names, but he presses on. "I'm sorry for kicking Rick when he was down, and for letting him think it was Jimmy's fault. I'm sorry I betrayed you, and I'm sorry I was never strong enough to protect you or anyone else. I'm sorry for just about everything, actually I'm pretty much sorry I was ever born. There's only one thing I'm not sorry for and that's…" he breaks off, the words sticking in his throat, "The only thing I'll never be sorry for is loving you Lexxi, that I refuse to apologize for, because I still love you, and I probably always will."
And with that he turns around and walks slowly to his car, head down, hands in his pockets, thinking about how stupid he must have sounded. He ignors his seatbelt as he pulls out of the parking place at his usual breakneck speed. She would never forgive him, he knew that, and had no false hope or unrealistic ideas about it. He just knew that if he were to crash his car and die a painful fiery death (as he was currently praying he would) that he would be able to go to hell knowing that he'd finally told Lexxi the truth, and hurting her was the only thing he'd ever wanted absolution for. And this confession was the closest he'd ever get to that absolution.