Chronophobia
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"Time expands, then contracts, all in tune with the stirrings of the heart."
Haruki Murakami
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The moment he walked in the rec-room he knew something was off.
Arkham wasn't exactly a penitentiary, but as an asylum for the criminally insane it was full of dangerous people, so from certain points of view it could be as well considered jail.
And when you're locked up with a bunch of unpredictable, potentially violent nuts, you develop a sort of sixth sense. It's only a matter of self-preservation. Jonathan had learnt that during his first stay, when he had found himself in the showers and everybody had been looking suspiciously on tenterhooks. He hadn't bothered to examine the situation in depth until he'd closed his eyes, opened them again, and found out that all the inmates were gone.
Well, not all.
Bane had been there.
He honestly couldn't remember how he'd gotten away, memories in his mind had been replaced with images of blood-splattered white tiles and trails of pink water sucked down the drain, of arms bent in odd angles and blinding pain. He just knew that after that both he and Bane had to be hospitalized, so he guessed his defense didn't totally suck.
Jonathan had gained respect after that, for everyone had come to know he wasn't just a pathetic little nerd. He had made abundantly clear that he held enough malice in his emaciated physique to compete in hand-to-hand combat with people twice his size and more, if necessary. Power of the fear he'd learnt to master, though he would never admit it out loud.
But he had also refined his instinct.
Now, when he entered a room full of people, he knew exactly when something was wrong, and now said unknown thing was so fishy it could be smelled in the air.
His brown eyes scanned the room with a sharp rapid stare, shifting from one inmate to another. He spotted Ivy lied down on the couch, petting the leaves of a potted plant. Nothing strange so far. The Joker, Harley and Edward were standing against a wall, and Jervis was sitting on a chair, looking at the chess pieces on the table where they usually played.
Jonathan then noticed that everyone, except Jervis, was looking at him; even Ivy shot unreadable glances every now and then.
Edward's gaze was slightly worried. Harley's face held something akin to remorse in the way her lips bent and her eyebrows furrowed. Joker's smile was the largest he'd ever seen since he stabbed that orderly in the cheek with a plastic fork last week.
Out of all them, Jervis was behaving the weirdest.
When he spotted Jonathan coming he usually met him halfway, no matter where they found themselves, greeted him cheerfully and spent the rest of the day together like a happy couple on vacation. Now Jervis kept staring at the chessboard, but seemed edgy. Like he was trying desperately not to avert his eyes from it, preventing himself from looking at anything else. Sometimes however, as if he had reached the limit of his endurance, his head shot up so suddenly it looked almost painful, and he glared at the watch on the wall.
Yes, something was definitely wrong.
He carefully approached the Hatter, still keeping an eye on the others, especially on Joker's snickering face. Nothing good could come when he smiled that way.
"Jervis…" Jonathan began, speaking warily. Maybe the others were about to play a dirty trick on him and Jervis knew something but didn't dare to openly say it. "If you're aware that any of these idiots is up with something you'd better tell me right now."
Hatter's head jerked up, and Jonathan's suspicions about a bad joke at his expenses immediately dispelled. He knew now that whatever was wrong, it had to do with Jervis.
Behind blond bangs his blue eyes were large as plates, pupils blown in poorly contained alarm. They stared desperately at him, eyelids refusing to close in a mute plead for salvation. His body looked painfully rigid, but his chest raised and fell like a worn-out pump, expelling labored breaths from his parted dry lips, and on his neck a vein was pulsing wildly in team with his heart.
Jonathan couldn't help but recognize all the symptoms: fright.
Time ago he wouldn't have dreamed of doing something like this, but now it was different. He was different. At least towards Jervis. He placed what he hoped was a reassuring hand on the blond's shoulder and leaned down to whisper awkwardly:
"Jervis, what's wrong?"
For a moment his partner's breaths became irregular; he still wouldn't talk. Then he inhaled deeply, exhaled as slowly as he could and clutched his hands together, Jonathan suspected, just to have something to hold onto.
"It's… the… It's the Time, Jonathan" Hatter stuttered.
Jonathan had a feeling about where this was going, but for the sake of his friend, he dared to hope he was wrong.
"What about the time, Jervis?"
Hatter lowered his gaze and bit his lips. The muscles in his arms tensed, and his fingernails dug wildly into the flesh of the back of his hand. Crane put his own hand on top of the other man's to prevent any visible damage. Deprived of his relief valve, Jervis could only spoke.
"It must have to do with our quarrel, last March. I… think He's still mad at me. I know because I woke up this morning and everything seemed fine, but now nothing makes sense anymore. Time keeps expanding and contracting, and I cannot keep track of it… Every time I look at the clock my eyes see a number but in my mind it doesn't feel right… What time is it?"
"3.10 p.m." Jonathan provided. Blue eyes widened in panic.
"That couldn't possibly be. A moment ago it was 12.00… How long has it been since I've been here?"
"Here in the rec-room?"
"Here in the asylum."
"A month exactly, remember? You had been arrested with me, when we…"
"A month…" the blond murmured, shocked. He freed his hands from his partner's grip and started rubbing his eyes furiously, almost hoping to chase a bad dream away. By the time he opened them again, they were red and inflamed.
"Jonathan…" Jervis whimpered, "It feels like I've been incarcerated for years. The past seems eternal, but it also looks like there is no future, because Time is moving so fast I can't hold it and make it stop. I can't live my present, Jonathan, Time doesn't allow it! The days are over before I can fully enjoy them. But the weird thing is, that when I look behind me, it feels like decades had passed without me actually living them. It's almost like I woke up from a coma. I lost so many days… I sense I'll lose even more, because Time is tricking me into believing I have years ahead of me, but it's not true, I know it! I..."
Crane grabbed his lover by the arms and shook him violently back and forth.
"Stop it! Shut up and look at me!"
The iron grip of those bony fingers tightened so much that bruises would surely bloom black and purple on his skin, but the sudden shock and pain made Jervis close his mouth and look up in the eyes of his companion: wide terrified baby blues met sharp piercing brown orbs.
It wasn't often that Jonathan had the chance to use soothing techniques, mostly because he didn't want to end people's terror, but it was his boyfriend they were talking about here. Besides, as the world's major expert on fear, he also knew how to fight it. So he locked eyes with Jervis and after gaining his attention he tried to talk him into calmness.
"Breath with me, Jervis. In and out. Come on."
He inhaled deeply to demonstrate, and the man before him followed the best way he could, chest trembling and breath breaking mid-action. It took several attempts before he could finally take a decent amount of oxygen in his lungs.
Though he looked calmer, his blue eyes still bore the effects of an adrenaline overload in the form of a large black pupil devouring the iris.
"What you're saying doesn't make any sense, can't you see?" Jonathan whispered trying to sound reasonable, hands drifting up to reach Jervis's shoulders, then his neck, and kneading the knots of tension one by one.
The other lowered his gaze, ashamed.
"I know, but… I can feel it anyway, and it's awful. It feels like Time is a puddle where past and present and future melt and blend all together, and I'm right in the middle. I can see Time is moving, but I'm not able to… to live in it. Almost like I ceased to exist, because if there is no real present, then there is no real me. I don't know if I made myself clear…"
Not really, Jonathan thought, but this is a kind of phobia, and phobias don't always have to make sense. Right now, you're experiencing chronophobia, the fear of time. Better not give you further information, it would be worthless in the state you are now and would make you panic even more. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner, given your fixation with Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter quarreling with Time.
"Jervis, now you need to calm down. If the doctors see you like this…" he didn't even want to think about this possibility. He knew all too well what they would do. "Keep taking deep breaths and listen to me: you're here, I'm here, we're fine. And time is moving just as it has always done, not faster, believe me."
"But it feels so real, Jonathan" Jervis found it hard to concentrate. "It's late. Oh, it's so late…! All the time I have is running away from me, I can feel it!"
The moment he said this, his hands shot up to clutch Jonathan's wrists like a lifeline.
"Maybe… Maybe He's still mad at me… because I murdered Him. I murdered the Time! The Queen herself said so! But I didn't mean to, Jonathan, you have to believe me… You tell Him I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I really didn't mean to… Please, tell Him to give me back my days…"
Jervis stood up on shaky legs and threw himself at Jonathan, burying his face in the other man's chest and sobbing softly, hugging him like a terrified child hugs his father after a nightmare.
Forgetting he was in a room full of people, Jonathan hugged him back, carding thin fingers through blond locks. He felt as if he was holding a scared bird, tiny and fragile, with a little heart hammering feverishly a million times per minute.
"It's all right. You'll have your days back, I'll make sure of that. You just have to calm down. Right now you're in the middle of a panic attack, none of the things you're experiencing are real. Relax and made an effort not to think about this. I know it's hard, but you have to try."
As he was in the process of comforting his partner, he felt someone tapping him in the back. Jonathan turned his head, slightly annoyed.
"What?! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Harley was standing behind him, her face a mask of sorrowful remorse.
"Jonny, I'm sorry. Puddin' just wanted to make you a little angry. I'm sure he never meant to…"
Then Crane looked at the Joker's ever-smiling face, which was contorted from laughing, and put two and two together.
A rush of fury struck him like a thunder. Without thinking, he let go of Jervis, who stood dazed in the middle of the room, and rushed to the Joker.
First thing Crane did was punching him in the face. There was a loud crack of bones against teeth.
"Jonathan!" Edward and Harley both cried.
Joker was on the floor, splitting his sides laughing, with Jonathan on top of him holding the neck of his shirt with one hand and eddying his other fist in front of his face. "What did you do to him?! What did you say?!" Crane shouted.
Harley approached the two, but didn't actually dare to hold Jonathan back.
"Jonny, please… It was only a joke, he didn't want to hurt him that way. He…"
"Harley don't" Pamela warned seriously from the couch, attention diverted from her plant and now focused on the fight going on.
"What the fuck did you say to him?!" Jonathan shouted again, fists falling on the other's face uncontrollably. Joker's laughs only grew higher, and that all made the scene creepier.
"Jon, stop. It isn't worth it" Edward tried.
"You stay out of this, Nygma!" Then, facing the Joker again. "So? What the…"
"Oh, Jonny-boy doesn't want people to touch his things! You're so egotistical. I just wanted to play a harmless prank on you, and your boyfriend was passing by… I simply couldn't let myself loose the opportunity. How could I know he would have gone stark-raving mad? I thought he already was" Joker maliciously snickered.
"You made him have a breakdown! And for what? To get to me?!"
"You should have seen his face when I kept telling him that he was late and loosing time. It made him flip his lid faster than I've ever seen anyone. He looked like a bunny caught in a trap. And the more I talked the paler he got! You would have liked to see his eyes growing wider and wider, and his body start to tremble more and more uncontrollably. Now I know why you like him that much, he gets scared so easily…"
Jonathan shut him up by hitting him again, and again, till his knuckles were soaking with red blood, but couldn't wipe that smile away. That got him even angrier. At that moment he felt himself being lifted and pushed away. He turned, and a couple of orderlies followed by Doctor Leland stood behind him, holding him tight. Joker stood up and cleaned his face with his shirt sleeve, that manic grin never leaving him.
"Why so angry, Jonny? It started off as an innocent prank, but you should thank me it turned out this way. In a way, I did you a favor. I know you get off on fear, I bet you would have ravished him right here in front of us if only…"
"You are so dead," Jonathan growled. "Just wait till I get my hands on you!"
"Mr Napier, Mr Crane! Enough of this!" Doctor Leland barked. "Now you'll explain to me what happened here. Instantly!"
Jonathan made the mistake of turning to see if Jervis was all right, and Leland followed his gaze.
She saw the blond man standing still, looking lost and shocked.
The fight momentarily forgotten, she approached the Hatter with wary steps.
"Mr Tetch?" she asked, and reached out to touch him.
The instant her hand collided with his arm, Jervis jerked away, movements rigid and spasmodic like a marionette's. He looked at her like he never saw her before.
"I want my time back!" Hatter screamed frantically, his voice full of a mix of anger, fear and frustration. "Tell Him I'm sorry, but give me my time back!"
Joan stepped back stunned, but she immediately regained her composure. She eyed the two orderlies, who got the message, let go of Jonathan and raced toward Jervis, grabbing his over-agitated frame solidly. Everybody knew how this would have ended.
"Please, I just want my time back! I never meant to hurt Him!" Jervis cried, squirming in the grip of the two men.
"Mr Tetch, calm down. You'll only hurt yourself." Then, to the two orderlies, "Get solitary cell ready and prepare 20 milligrams of…"
"No! Doctor Leland, listen…" Jonathan interjected. Jervis was already being carried away, he could see the last glimpses of his pleading eyes. "Joan, you can't take him to solitary. He's having a panic attack."
"I know, that's why he needs to calm down. It's for his own safety."
"But he's suffering from chronophobia!" Jonathan yelled exasperatedly, throwing his hands in the air. What was with those idiots? Why couldn't they see? "This fear gets even worse when the subject is confined in small places. It has a high comorbidity with claustrophobia, and you want to make him wear a straightjacket and throw him in a padded cell with no windows! Well, you'll surely get the first prize for psychiatrist of the year!"
Joan frowned, but kept her temper.
"Jonathan, listen close. We can't allow any of you to get in the state of being potentially dangerous to yourselves or the others. Jervis will be sedated and under strict watch in solitary. He'll be fine."
Crane lost his patience. "No, he won't be fine! He'll be terrified and alone. You'll pump him so full with drugs that he'll be lost in that hell that's his mind during a psychotic break! You and your colleagues are just a bunch of incompetent quacks!"
Doctor Leland put her fists on her sides. "Well, what do you suggest?"
"Let me see him. Before he gets sedated. I can help him calm down."
"Not possible. You're not a therapist anymore, Jonathan, and inmates aren't allowed to be together in solitary."
The sound of his gritting teeth was almost audible.
"Just five minutes, that's all I ask!"
"I already told you…"
"Joan, please."
At that, the woman's expression changed. Crane never pleaded, he never begged.
"If you give me five minutes with him I'll…"
"You'll what, Jonathan?"
Jonathan swallowed, and it felt like he was swallowing his own pride, something really heavy and really big.
"I'll take those new medications you wanted to give me, the ones I was so adverse to. Voluntarily."
She seemed to consider the offer.
"And you won't cheat? You won't trick the orderlies into believing you swallowed the pills and then sell them off to someone else?"
"I promise" he said, and she could sense how much it did cost him. "But please, let me see him."
After a long moment, she nodded. "Alright, Jonathan. Follow me."
They passed past Edward, Joker and Harley. Jonathan shot the Joker a glance that meant "I'm not done with you yet", and then left the room.
By the time he entered the padded cell everybody hated, he saw that Jervis was already mercilessly wrapped up in the white straightjacket. He was knelt in a corner curled up on himself like a hedgehog, looking like he was hiding, but probably searching for some kind of support through his misery.
"Jervis…"
His head turned, and Hatter looked at him, a spark of hope illuminating his face.
"Jonathan!"
"Five minutes" doctor Leland reminded him, before closing the door.
Jonathan knelt down beside Jervis, and hugged him, making him know he was there for him.
"How do you feel?"
"Bad. I don't remember ever feeling so frightened in my life."
Jonathan examined his partner: he was still shaking, but trying stoically not to make it too evident.
"You've been, I assure you, and even more than you are now. Just as you say, you simply can't remember. But this too will pass, believe me."
"Jonathan…" Hatter whispered. "I'm so scared… What if Time won't forgive me? What if I don't get my time back?"
"You'll get it back, you just have to wait. Now they'll give you something to relax, it'll help."
Jervis's expression darkened.
"I don't like taking pills. Or injections, or…"
He knew, and he could relate. None of them liked medications. Compared to being normal and boring and mediocre, he would pick insanity every time. It felt special, it felt great. The experience was a ball, and the highs were amazing: you felt totally free and the king of the world.
Unfortunately there were the lows, and for that nobody could do anything. They just came with the package. They had to keep up with them. Even with the devastating ones like this.
"I know, but they'll only give you a tranquilizer, it's nothing. It will wear off very soon."
Now Jervis seemed hopeful.
"Promise?"
As if he could pick the medicine they would give him… But that, Jonathan didn't say. He pressed his lips lightly on Jervis's rosy ones in a soft caress, and murmured "Promise" into the kiss.
"I love you" the blond man uttered.
"Me too. You wear your fear with such dignity it makes you look even more beautiful to me. You tried very hard not to show your panic. Nobody is as brave as you, Jervis, I like to see you fight. When you find me staring… Remember you're my lover, never my victim. It's something nobody would ever understand."
Hatter almost melted hearing the compliment, and stopped shaking a little.
"Now do as I say: close your eyes and recite your favorite rhymes. And when you finish, start over again, till the medicines act."
He made that suggestion thinking about children, and how they close their eyes believing that, if they don't see the world, the world won't see them. It would work, the oldest trick in the world, for everyone of them felt like a child, during a breakdown. And the rhymes were so musical and repetitive, they always made even himself relax. It would work, he was sure.
"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe…" Jervis started, with a trembling voice.
"All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe. That's it, keep going" Jonathan continued.
Jervis smiled, and let himself be lulled by the rhyme.
They were in the middle of the third stanza when a whisper came from the door. "Jonathan…"
Leland stood there, almost looking like she didn't want to interrupt, but had to.
"I have to ask you to get out now."
He nodded, not wanting to let his beloved go. "Jervis, now I have to go. Keep your eyes closed and don't stop reciting. It'll be over before you know it."
Jervis felt his forehead being kissed, but didn't opened his eyes, and didn't stop the rhyme, not even as the steps echoing on the padded floor became faraway stifled thuds.
With his eyes still closed, he was manhandled by someone who definitely was not Jonathan. The needle pinching his flesh through the fabric of the straightjacket hurt. He felt so cold, missing Jonathan like hell.
He was alone in a sea of skittish temporal flow, with the Time irate and his lover gone.
Refusing to submit to panic, he hummed the rhyme more relentlessly than before, till the words penetrated his chaotic mind and filled it to the brim.
He dissociated.
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A week later everything seemed back to normal. Joker was still in the infirmary after all the punches Jonathan gave him. The nurses said he wouldn't stop laughing. Edward was one of the first to greet a refreshed and way calmer Jervis Tetch.
"Glad to see you're well and about to annoy us all over again with your wonder-babbles" he snickered, arms crossed over his chest.
Jervis stuck out his tongue. "I don't accept comments from a Jabberwock like you."
"Immature."
"Bandersnatch."
"I don't know what that means."
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
"Argh! Don't even start! It can't exist a riddle without answer!"
"Shut up, the both of you! I'm trying to watch TV!" yelled Ivy from the sofa.
Silence was instantaneous. Nobody wanted to see an angry Poison Ivy.
She grumbled something, before noticing Jonathan approaching the couch with a zombie-like gait.
"Can you scoot over?" he asked weakly.
The redhead eyed him from head to toes. She made room for him.
"You look like hell."
"Thanks. It's the 'new medications fashion', courtesy of Doctor Leland and some other buffoon." He said, resting his head on the couch.
Jervis came closer to him. Without a word he sat on the couch beside Jonathan, and made him bent down so his head would be on the shorter man's shoulder. It was an odd position, given their different height, but Jonathan let him do.
Jervis took on caressing his lover's hair.
"Why don't you stop taking those pills?"
"I promised I would have taken them without protesting. My word still means something."
Realization struck Hatter hard.
"I'm sorry I was so weak."
"You're not weak" Jonathan said, eyes unfocused. "Nobody can win over fear; they all succumb in the end. You resisted for as long as you could."
"You could have let them sedate me and wait till my episode passed. It wouldn't have made any difference."
"It would have had to me. I couldn't leave you like that."
Jervis pressed his body closer to Jonathan's in gratitude, enjoying the warmth.
"How's your sense of time?" asked Crane.
"He made peace with me. Time, I mean" Jervis reassured.
"Good to know. Tell him to hurry up and make the night come quicker. I can't stand these stupid medications, they make me feel comatose."
"I learnt a trick to have Time pass faster." Jervis smiled slyly. "Let me refresh your memory, and then I'll think about a plan to escape. Now, close your eyes, it'll be over before you know it."
Jonathan huffed a laugh, and did as he was told.
"You like poetry?" Jervis started quoting. "'What shall I repeat to her?' said Tweedledee, looking round at Tweedledum with great solemn eyes, and not noticing Alice's question. 'The Walrus and the Carpenter is the longest.'"
And then he was singing very softly in his ear:
"The sun was shining on the sea Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright—
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night…"
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Notes:
I wanted to write something about phobias, so here I am. It's about chronophobia because with Hatter murdering the Time in "Alice in Wonderland" it just felt right. Basically, it was a description of a panic attack, and I made Jonathan a little more caring and Jervis a little more "Damsel in Distress-like", because every now and then, he's the one who needs to be taken care of. In the next story there will be more man on man action :)