So here it is... my new fic. It jumps around at first... lots of flashbacks until we get moving forward with present day. But it all has a purpose. And it's meant to be kinda confusing at first.. but if you're too confused feel free to PM me and I'll try to help. This fic is definately rated MATURE.. so be warned. Other than that.. please enjoy and review away.. that's the only way I know if I should keep going or not!
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. Which is unfortunate becuase I believe that woman CAN have it all and I believe in happy ever afters.. unlike some people named SHONDA.
Derek threw the thick stack of Neurology Quarterly Review journals into the waiting empty box. Next followed a heavy Encyclopedia of Medicine along with some smaller text books he often used as reference. His blood boiled as he reached for the plaques on the wall and soon three framed diplomas nestled inside the brown cardboard. He eyed his small computer sitting on the large antiqued hickory desk and after a moment of silent debate, decided to leave it.
Moving his left hand up to run it frustratingly through his thick black hair, a habit he had adapted early on in life, his eye caught on the simple gold band, resting innocently on his ring finger. A gold ring that had once promised forever and commitment now stared back up at him, mocking and laughing. He grasped the ring with the fingers of his right hand and yanked it off carelessly. With anger that was coursing through his veins, he heaved the innocent band across the room, reveling in the tiny thud it created as it crashed against the smooth ivory wall.
He turned to the small closet on his right and began rummaging in their as well. Eager to gather anything that belonged to him. Eager to leave the house. Eager to leave her.
Three years of marriage. Three fucking years of marriage, and all he was left with was a bitter taste in his mouth. He should have known. He should have never convinced himself to trust her. But he had, and now, he was done. He was packing up what few belongings he cared about and moving across the country. As far away from her as was physically possible.
Derek began to sweat as his anger surfaced. He wiped his damp hands on his worn jeans and dug deeper into the closet. He pulled out long forgotten about Christmas cards and wedding invitations, kept for memory purposes and tossed them in the small waste basket to the side of his desk. Old college papers followed as well as few torn issues of Sports Illustrated he had no idea why he'd kept.
Derek groaned and stretched his arm way to the back, running his hand over the stiff dusty carpet to be sure he'd gotten it all. He began to pull his arm out when his fingers brushed against something hard. It took him a moment but he finally maneuvered his fingers over an edge of the hard book and pulled it out.
His breath caught in his throat and the anger of only seconds before slowly slipped away as his eyes settled on the old dusty photo album. He had completely forgotten about it. It had been a very long time since he'd reminisced about the times caught for an eternity on glossy photo paper.
Derek stood, photo album in hand, and crossed to the tall back cushioned chair behind the desk as he wiped the dust from the cover with his white t-shirt. He settled into the chair and closed his eyes briefly, preparing himself for everything that would come flooding back as he flipped the crisp plastic open.
FLASHBACK
"Now remember to hold her head son."
Derek could still here his mother. Always over protective, always so caring. He remembered feeling like such a big kid, at the tender age of five, when his parents had insisted on him putting his nice Sunday jacket on and going next door to congratulate their neighbors on the birth of their new baby.
Derek had stood so tall and proud on the stoop of the neighbor's porch, as he held a loaf of banana bread his mother had baked for the new family. They rang the bell and moments later the young frazzled father had opened the door and his face immediately lit up in recognition.
"Well if it isn't the Shepherd's?! Come in, come in."
He led them into the foyer and offered to take their coats. He was always so nervous and awkward around people but Derek's dad had a knack of making others feel at ease.
"How are you Thatcher?" Michael Shepherd offered his hand in a friendly handshake and Thatcher took it relieved.
"I'm good. Great. The baby's just… well she's just perfect. I couldn't be happier."
Silvia Shepherd nudged her son further, bringing Derek from his thoughts as he offered the baked gift. The new father took it grateful and offered a sincere thank you before the adults began their grown up talk. Derek grew bored immediately and began shifting impatiently in his new black oxfords. He turned to tug on his mother's stiff skirt when something caught his eye in the other room.
He glanced back up and found the grown ups deep in their own conversation and so slowly snuck away unnoticed into the small living room. A baby seat had been set up next to the couch and Derek tip toed closer. All he had heard about in the last few weeks was what a blessing babies were and how good brand new little infants smelled.
As he stood above the small bundle wrapped in a soft pink blanket, he couldn't help but smile. She was so tiny. He tossed a glance behind him before leaning forward and reaching out to touch the soft wisp of hair on the top of her head. He moved his hand down and softly picked up the miniature one. She immediately wrapped all five fingers around his slightly larger one and Derek felt his small heart skip.
The long dark lashes fluttered open and his blue eyes met the dark eyes that all newborns seemed to be born with. He watched as her little mouth opened in a yawn, causing her petite nostrils to flare.
"Hi." He whispered. "My name's Derek. You're going to be my little buddy. I'm going to look after you and keep all them mean kids away. Cause some kids are real mean and you are really tiny."
Derek was interrupted by his parents and Thatcher as they entered the room and stood behind him. His mother coo'd and oohh'd and aww'd while Thatcher set a nervous hand on his shoulder.
"Would you like to hold her Derek?"
Derek's eyes widened in surprise as he looked to his parent's for permission. They both nodded wearing identical smiles and Derek moved to an armchair across the room as the baby's father gathered her in his arms. Thatcher placed the soft bundle carefully in Derek's lap, while he apologized something to Derek's parents about why Ellis wasn't there.
Derek quickly lost all interest in the adults. He was completely captivated by the innocent girl, now nestled in his arms drifting off to sleep.
"What's her name?" Derek heard himself ask.
"Meredith. Meredith Ellis Grey."
Again the adults went on about how perfect a name it was, but Derek turned his head back to the baby he held.
Meredith. He repeated in his head. My Meredith.
"Remember to hold her head son." His mother gently reminded him, causing his eyes to roll. He knew what to do. For some reason it came natural to hold her, to protect her. He looked up and when no one was looking, he bent his head forward and kissed her lightly on her soft forehead. He breathed in and immediately decided that the grown ups were right. Babies did smell incredibly good.
Derek turned a few pages in his book of photos and swallowed a lump that began to form in his throat. He looked at the yellowing images and one in particular caught his eye. It was about five years later and he was about ten, holding a fishing pole. He and his father had gone on numerous fishing trips in their life time, but this one stood out in particular.
FLASHBACK
"Whatch'ya doin' Der-bear?"
"Nothing! It's boy stuff. Not little girl stuff." He wiped a greasy hand on his dirty jeans and reached for the next fishing pole laid out on his drive way.
"Can I help Der-bear?" The small girl with two long blond braids at the side of her head, reached for something that had caught her eye, and knocked over a full tackle box, causing its contents to scatter across the driveway.
"Now look what'ya done! Go home Mer!"
"I'm sorry Der-bear! I didn't mean to. I can clean it up!" Her small legs darted around the driveway gathering lures and fake worms in her hands.
"I told ya' to quit callin' me that! Just go home!"
"Aww, come on Der-bear. Can't I come fishin' with you?"
"No."
"Please."
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"Pretty pretty pleee…"
"I said no! You're too little. And you're a girl. So, GO HOME NOW!"
Meredith's lip trembled and tears filled her eyes. "I hate you Derek Shepherd! You're a big… big… poopy head!" She threw the fishing items she had gathered into Derek's lap with all her might and stuck out her tongue before turning and running off.
He sighed, but shook his head, deciding he didn't care. She was always pestering him and getting in his way, and he had been looking forward to this fishing trip for weeks. It would be just him and his dad. Some male bonding.
An hour passed and Derek had gotten everything ready. He carefully loaded the tackle box as he waited for his dad to get back from the office. Seconds later the blue sedan pulled into the driveway and he greeted his father at the car door.
"Hey dad! Everything's all ready."
"That's great son, let me just go get changed and we'll head out…"
Derek looked up and noticed his dad had stopped to stare across the yard. He turned his head to where his father was looking and immediately felt bad. Meredith sat on her front step, her head propped in her hands as she stared blankly across the yard, obviously sad.
"You know son, Meredith's dad is not coming home."
"Wh..what? She said he went on a trip and would be back soon. What do you mean?"
Michael Shepherd sighed and rubbed his dark haired son on his head. "He left son. Sometime's mother's and father's just can't get along anymore, and they separate. Ellis and Thatcher are getting a divorce and… he's not coming back." He paused a minute before continuing. "Derek, you know how her mother is… and well… it's up to us to watch out for her now."
Derek was old enough to know what divorce meant. He was ten going on eleven and he'd seen it a lot on TV and even with some kids in his class at school. But never so close to home. He felt his heart grow heavy and he became ashamed. He had made a promise to her when she was only a few weeks old that he'd protect her from the bad stuff in the world, and only five years later he was already failing miserably.
"Dad?" Derek's voice was weak as he fought with his emotions, knowing he was way too old to cry. "Do you think we could take her… you know… bring her on our fishing trip?"
Derek's father's eyes shone and he nodded. "I think that would be a great idea son. Why don't you go over there and tell her to get ready while I go on in and change?"
Derek nodded and took off across the yard. He raced through the green blades of grass and came to an abrupt halt in front of the sad five year old.
Meredith looked up surprised and wiped quickly at a stray tear.
"What do you want?" She muttered, crossing her arms across her chest.
"I'm sorry Mer. I was mean. I didn't mean it. Do you think you could forgive me and come fishin' with us?"
Her eyes widened in surprise and a grin split her face in half. "Do you really mean it Der-bear?!"
He nodded, laughing. "Yep! Why don't ya go tell your babysitter… we're going to leave pretty soon."
Meredith jumped up and clapped her hands. She threw herself on Derek and wrapped her small arms around the older boy, squeezing as tight as her little muscles would allow.
"Oh thank you thank you thank you Der-bear."
Derek chuckled and patted her on her head. He usually hated when people called him 'Der-bear', but decided that as long as it was Meredith, he didn't mind all that much.
She pulled back and turned to go in the house, when the neighbor across the street caught her eye. She turned back and cupped her little hands around her mouth and hollered at the top of her lungs.
"Hey Doctor Webber!! Guess what! I'm going fishing!"
Dr. Webber laughed and waved as Meredith turned on her foot again, whipping her pig tails across her back and hurried in. Derek watched her disappear in her house and renewed his vow. No matter what, he would always look out for his Meredith.
A rare sound escaped Derek's lips. He laughed. His tired mouth produced a smile it hadn't formed in months and a peaceful feeling settled over his weary mind. He had kept that promise. For the most part. He had grown up with a constant eye on Meredith. He had done what he could to look out for her, protected her from as many childhood disappointments as possible.
FLASHBACK
"Come on Derek, you're up!"
Derek grabbed the wooden baseball bat that leaned against the chain link back stop of the dusty field they had adopted as their second home that summer. The hot sun blazed on his tanned arms as he took a couple practice swings, the bat cutting through the air.
He stepped up to the plate and squinted to the out field. Billy was on first and Mark covered second and short stop. Patrick took third while Sammie stood directly in front of him, tossing the worn ball hard into his brown glove, waiting for his batter to get ready.
Derek nodded and tapped his dirty tennis shoes with the bat, just as he'd seen the pro's do a hundred times before. He was fourteen, and he and his buddies all lived for the game. They ate, drank, slept, and breathed baseball. It was no surprise that the second school was let out for the summer; they had immediately headed for the grassless baseball field, and took up permanent residence.
"You ready yet Shepherd, or do you need a mirror to make sure your hair's in place?" Sammie chided from the pitcher's mound, evoking a good sported chuckle from Derek.
"Let's see what ya' got ole Sammie gun." Derek taunted, taking his stance and pumping the bat high in the air behind him.
Sammie's expression sobered and he straightened to ready his pitch. He pulled back and just as he was about to let the ball go, a girl's voice from across the field interrupted, causing four of the boys to moan.
"Hey Der-bear! Can I play?!"
"You can't be serious Derek? Not again! You said you'd talk to her! Get her to quit following us." Mark hissed from his position directly across the baseball diamond.
Derek sighed. It had been the same thing all summer. His buddy's couldn't understand why Meredith was always tagging along and Derek wasn't about to hurt her feelings and tell her to stop.
"Come on guys. She's not hurting anything. Just let her stand in the outfield." The young teens moaned and he noticed Billy throw his glove down in irritation, but crossed over to where Meredith stood anyways.
"Why don't you take center field Mer?"
"Okay Der-bear." Meredith smiled, crinkling her freckles on her nose and displaying the wide gap between her front teeth. Her long blond hair was pulled back in a very sloppy pony tail and her yellow t-shirt was stained. Her cut-off shorts barely came mid thigh, revealing scrawny knobby legs.
Derek shook his head and lowered his voice, a bit annoyed. "What did I tell you about calling me that in front of my friends?"
"Sorry Der-bear." She whispered grinning.
Derek sighed. "Here… take my old glove and go stand over there, back in the outfield."
Derek pointed in the direction she should go and Meredith eagerly turned and obeyed, taking the privilege of playing with the big boys seriously. Derek couldn't help but chuckle as she settled in her spot, moving her sneakers in the dirt and pounding her worn glove with her fist, an action she'd seen Derek do on numerous occasions.
Derek resumed his position in the batters box, again pumping his bat to signal he was ready. Sammie let the pitch go and Derek swung his hardest, the wooden bat connecting with the hard ball with a satisfying crack. The ball soared through the sky as Derek took off running, pumping his legs as fast as they would go.
The ball flew through the sky, passing over the boys heads and crossing the wooden fence into the backyard of Old Mrs. Hanson. The ball was a goner. They were done for the day.
"Way to go Shepherd! That was our last ball you moron!" The boys shouted as Derek continued his victory run, pushing his arms in the air in triumph, whooping at his personal conquest, and ignoring the hissing and boo's his friends shot his way.
The boys started walking in, leaving the infield to gather their belongings and deciding on what mischief they could busy themselves with for the rest of the hot afternoon.
"Wait! Don't go! I'll get the ball!" Meredith yelled from her position in the outfield.
The boys found this completely amusing as they turned to watch, eager to see what the annoying young girl would do, ignoring the warnings Derek shot.
"Mer! Don't… just forget it!" Derek tried, but it was too late.
Meredith dropped the large baseball glove at her feet and turned to the large fence. She started climbing, doing well for an eight year old girl, but like Derek had feared, she soon lost her grip and slid to the ground with a heavy thud on her back end.
This was exactly what Derek's friends had been waiting for as they erupted into harsh laughter, again ignoring his heated looks. Derek watched as Meredith stayed sitting on the ground, ducking her head to her knees and covering her face with her hands.
Having grown tired of the show, the young boys hurriedly grabbed their bikes, eager to get on with the day.
"Come on Shep, let's go jump in my pool." Mark held back behind the other boys a moment, noticing his best friend had not mounted his bike yet.
"You go on ahead Mark. I wanna make sure she's alright."
Mark studied his dark haired friend a moment. "I don't get it Derek. It's not like she's your sister or anything…. why do you worry about her all the time?"
Derek shrugged as he moved towards Meredith, still sitting in the dirt with her head covered. "She's my Meredith." He said simply.
Mark shook his head, the devotion his friend had to this annoying little girl beyond him, as he moved back on his bike, pedaling fast to catch up with the rest of the guys.
"Hey Mer? You okay?" Derek asked softly, kneeling down in front of the blond.
"I'm fine Der. Please just go. Go with your friends."
"I don't want to go Mer… I want to make sure you're okay. Are you hurt?"
She shook her head, still hiding his face but he noticed a scrape on her knee that was beginning to bleed.
"You are hurt Mer. Come on… let's go home… I'll fix your leg for you."
Meredith slowly pulled her face from her hiding spot to peak at Derek, wiping at a tear and leaving dirt streaks on her cheek.
"Thanks Der."
Derek helped her stand up slowly and they started walking to where Derek's bike waited.
"Der?"
"Yes Mer?"
"I'm sorry I called you Der-bear in front of your friends… I know you don't like it and I forgot."
"That's okay kiddo." Derek assured, ruffling a hand over her already messy hair. "Why don't we go see if mom bought any more creamsicles."
"Deal. But only if you promise to eat the outsides… I only like the insides."
"Of course… you know I can't stand the crème part. The only reason mom even buys them is cause of you."
Meredith smiled and nodded as Derek helped her climb onto his handle bars.
"You ready?" He asked, slinging his full baseball bag over his shoulder.
"Yep!" Meredith answered, keeping her grip tight as she balanced the way Derek had taught her.
"Hey Derek?"
"Ya?" Derek answered, immediately realizing she used his full name and not the annoying childish one.
"Thank you."
"Your welcome Mer."
Derek smiled as he pedaled on, not in the least bit upset at how the afternoon had turned out.
That's the first official update. Let me know what you think. This was long.. longer then they'll usually be becuase there was so much that needed to be started to get things rolling. PLEASE REVIEW!!!